I walked out of the station bitterly disappointed. It wasn’t my bag. Instead of getting emotional about it, I went straight home where Devon not only criticised me about the key situation, but hired an emergency locksmith as well. Within two hours, I had new locks, and Devon had gone home. I then texted Ben to let him know how I got on. He texted back, seeming genuinely disappointed for me.
Maybe in another life.
Now, with it being Sunday, I’m currently at my dad’s house cooking his favourite roast chicken dinner. In the middle of preparing everything, I start flicking through some songs to keep me company while my dad watches football. I like to listen to music as I cook.
In the middle of searching, I hear my dad say, “Go back one.”
Startled, I look up at him, smile, and then go back to Michael Bublé’s version of “The Way You Look Tonight.”
“This one?” I ask.
He nods. “Yes. It was one of your mum’s favourites.” Walking over to me, he takes my hand and starts twirling me around the kitchen. I can’t help but laugh. “Your mother loved to dance, especially to Bublé.”
I smirk as we parade around the kitchen. “I remember. I also remember you getting quite jealous about that.”
His eyes glisten, as if remembering those days. “Yes, but you can’t blame a man who was married to the most beautiful woman in the world—next to you, of course.”
I giggle. “You’re such a charmer, Dad.”
“Is it any wonder she married me?”
I shake my head. “Not at all.”
My dad gives me one final twirl before I stop and curtsy. “Thank you for the dance.”
My dad bows. “It was my pleasure.” He looks at the food I’m preparing. “It all smells wonderful. I hope you’ve made enough because we have a last-minute guest.” I open my mouth as the doorbell rings. “That should be your brother.”
My dad quickly disappears, leaving me wondering who the extra guest could be. At the thought it could be another woman, my stomach twists. I don’t think I can handle him seeing another woman so soon after my mum. I know it’s been almost three years, but she’s my mum. She will always come first.
I hear laughter at the door, and I frown at the same time as my phone chimes. When I light it up, my frown suddenly turns into a smile.
I’m in love with your body. ;)
Knowing he remembers Ed Sheeran playing on the radio yesterday morning, I type back:
My sheets smell like you. ;)
I wish mine smelled like you. Instead, they smell of sweat and alcohol from the night before.
I screw my nose up before responding.
Did you at least have a good night?
Yes, but it would have been miles better if it had been with you. xx
I bite my lip, trying to suppress a smile. I start to type back, then hear, “So, how’s my little sister today?”
I jump, dropping my phone on the counter.
“Whoa, what’s wrong? Who were you texting?”
Grabbing my phone, I lock it before placing it in my back pocket. “No one,” I quip. “How are you?” I walk toward him, noticing that his shiner still looks sore and give him a hug.
He gives me that brotherly squeeze which always makes me close my eyes and then pulls away. “I’m fine. I’m looking forward to this meal, Andi Pandy. It’s been a while since I had some of your cooking.”
Remembering the guest, I lean in to ask, but my father appears. “Want a beer, son?”
“Thanks, Dad. That’ll be great.”
Dad looks at me. “Do you need a top-up yet?”
I look over at my wine glass, which is still half full, and shake my head. “No, I’m fine.” I start poking at the potatoes to see if they’re parboiled yet.
“So, how was your night last night?” Dad asks Charlie.
“It was good, thanks. More than good.”
I roll my eyes. I know exactly what that means.
I hear Dad pat him on the back. “When you didn’t come home last night, I thought as much. I don’t mind it, son, but be careful.”
“I always am.”
I huff. “Can you two take your sex talk elsewhere? I’m trying to cook.”
“Dad, maybe it’s time you had ‘the talk’ with Andi.”
Turning around, I flick a dishcloth in his direction. “Charlie, stop it!” He starts laughing, setting my dad off. Then the doorbell rings again.
“Ah,” my father says, “our extra guest.” Dad soon disappears, giving me the opportunity to walk up to Charlie.
I lean in, whispering, “Who is it?” I don’t need to wait for an answer to know. I would recognise that voice anywhere. “You invited Devon? Isn’t it enough I see him during the week? Now you subject me to him on the weekend, too?”
Pouting, Charlie throws an arm around my shoulders. “Don’t be like that. I don’t get to see him that often.”
My expression softens and then the guilt comes. No doubt Charlie will be going back to Germany in the next three weeks or so. “Sorry. I sound selfish.”
He squeezes me to him. “You could never be selfish, Andi Pandy.”
This time, I do hit him with my dishcloth. “Will you stop calling me that?!” I flick it at him repeatedly, but Charlie starts to tickle me. I’m laughing so hard that I don’t realise Dad and Devon are standing in the kitchen doorway.
“Guys, keep it down. We have a guest.”
Charlie stops tickling me as my eyes lock on Devon. I don’t relish the thought that he’s here, but I would take him over a woman any day.
With a sweep of my eyes, I notice he’s going casual today. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, which shows off his tattoos from his RAF days, and low-cut jeans, which ride on his hips perfectly. His hair is gelled and spiked in his usual way, and his eyes foretell mischief. I don’t want them to, but my loins wake up.
God, I’m such a slut.
“Fancy a beer?” Dad asks.
Devon takes his eyes from me and looks at my dad. “That would be very nice. Thank you.”
Charlie walks up to Devon and gives him a man hug. “How are you, mate? Did you have a good weekend so far?”
Devon eyes me before looking back at Charlie. I turn around to carry on with dinner, but mostly because I need an excuse not to look at him.
“It was great. Three last night.”
Knowing what he’s talking about, I inwardly groan.
I hear a slap on his back. “You old dog. How the fuck do you do it?”
“It’s amazing how much money, power, and planes talk. Once they know I fly, they’re putty in my hands.”
Taking the chicken out of the oven, I slam the door more forcefully than necessary. I really don’t want to hear this shit.
As if knowing I’m pissed, Charlie says, “Do you fancy taking this outside? I don’t think Andi wants to listen.”
I turn around. “Yeah, that would be nice. Thanks.” I offer a sarcastic smile, catching a smirk on Devon’s face. As soon as they’ve gone, I mutter, “Jerk.”
“What’s that?”
I jump, but see it’s Dad. “Nothing. Just Charlie and Devon being the same old, same old.”
My dad smiles. “Those two always were stuck like glue.” He shakes his head. “You know, your mother was the only other person who knew this, but that boy,” he points out the kitchen window, and I look into the garden, seeing them both laughing, “was always around here more than he was at home. It got me thinking. I’m pretty sure something was going on. He always had more bruises than I’ve ever seen on anyone. I would ask, but he’d say he’d had scraps with his brother. But I tell ya,” he says, sighing again and shaking his head, “something more was going on at home than he let on. Pete started doing drugs and disappeared. Then, Devon left to join the RAF. Sometimes, I wonder: If I had called someone to help, would things have been different?”
I think back to those times. I remember Devon sometimes being dirty, like he hadn’t showered in a while. He was always bruised. At the age of seven or eight, I just thought he had been getting into fights. Thinking about it now, I wonder if something else was going on. It would explain Devon’s sometimes erratic behaviour and why his brother, Pete, started doing drugs.
“You had no way of knowing, Dad, so don’t blame yourself.”
He shrugs, but still looks sad as he watches the guys talking. “I know, but as parents, you never know whether you’re doing the right thing by your children, or by anyone in a vulnerable situation.”
I baste the potatoes. Once loaded back in the oven, I turn to him. “You and Mum did fine with me and Charlie. I can definitely vouch for that.”
He offers me a heart-warming smile. “And with meals like that,” he says, pointing to the oven, “you’ll knock some lucky guy’s socks off.”
I laugh. “No chance of that happening with Tweedledum and Tweedledee over there.” I point at them chatting in the garden.
“Ah, they’re just looking out for you. That’s all. You’re beautiful, kind, funny, and sweet. They just want what’s best for you.”
I think about it. I’m sure Devon doesn’t feel any of those things for me. He just gets off on being wingman to my brother’s overprotectiveness.
I feel a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll be in the front room.” He squeezes my shoulders and smiles before walking out.
When I turn back to watch Charlie and Devon in the garden, I think about what Dad said. Devon’s never mentioned it, nor would I expect him to, but if he were being abused, I have sympathy for him. I know what he would say. “I don’t want your pity.” If it were me, I wouldn’t want it, either. I still feel it, though. Who wouldn’t?
As if Devon knows I’m watching, he turns his head. There it is again. That one look he gives that makes my knees knock and my heart skip. For a moment, neither of us looks away. It’s almost as if we’re daring the other to break first. But I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to. It’s his eyes. They do it to me every time. I can’t help but weaken and succumb to their call.
Charlie punches him in the arm, making Devon look away first. He laughs at something Charlie says before looking back at me briefly. I have to look away; otherwise, I’ll be under that bewitching spell of his.
This dinner’s not going to cook itself.
* * *
About an hour later, all is ready. Once seated, I spread my napkin over my lap and smile at everyone.
“Looks delicious,” Dad says, Charlie and Devon murmuring their agreement. He holds out his hand. “Let’s say grace.”
I smile, take his hand, and look over at Devon. I have no other choice but to take his hand. I’m not sure if I welcome it or not. He hesitates slightly, but it’s soon gone as his soft, warm hand envelopes mine. I try not to look at him, but I need to see if he’s looking at me. He is.
My father clears his throat, making Devon close his eyes. I notice my dad and Charlie have closed theirs, so I do, too.
“For what we’re about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful.”
As we say Amen collectively, I feel Devon’s thumb sweep over my hand, making me jump with a gasp.
“Are you okay?” Dad asks.
“I’m fine,” I say, looking at Devon in confusion. He’s smirking. I quickly avert my eyes back to my dad. “I thought I felt something crawl up my leg.” I try pulling my hand away from Devon, but he grips it tightly. He’s still smirking, the arrogant little prick. I finally manage to get my hand back and proceed to wipe at my legs, as if trying to get rid of the non-existent spider. I laugh nervously. “I think it was a false alarm.” I look back at Devon and glare at him. I’m glad he finds it funny.
As we tuck in, I notice Dad staring at me and Charlie. “What is it, Dad?” I ask in between bites.
“Nothing.” He shakes his head—a tear in his eye. “I just think your mum would be so proud if she were to see you two now.”
Charlie and I look at each other with a smile and then Dad says, “So, Devon,” he looks up from his meal, “I hear you’re whisking my daughter off to New York soon.”
Devon places his fork down for a moment before nodding. “That’s right. I think I can get a good deal out there. I’ve always wanted to branch out to the States, and the timing with Sutherland Airlines couldn’t be more perfect.”
“Well, you can’t be called Worldwide Airways unless you are, in fact, worldwide,” my dad says.
“Exactly.” Devon smiles.
“I know Andi’s worried that my birthday comes when she’s out there, but she needn’t be.” When he winks at Devon, I see the look they share. It’s almost like they’re up to something. I don’t call them out on it, though.
“I’ll make it up to you when I get back, Dad.”
He points his fork at me. “I’m sure you will, sweetheart. Just don’t worry about it. I think you’ll have a great time out there.”
We carry on eating our meal, chit-chatting. I notice my brother looking worried about something, which has me on edge. It’s only once we’ve finished that I find out what’s going on.
“Andi, that was gorgeous,” Charlie says. My dad and Devon nod, smiling. “Listen. I’m glad everyone is here because I have an announcement to make. I have three more weeks before I get my next placement.”
I frown. “Back to Germany?”
He sighs and looks down. “No. Afghanistan.”
I shoot out of my seat. “What?!” I scream.
Charlie reaches his hand out to mine. “Calm down, Andi—”
“Calm down? How do you expect me to ‘calm down?’ How long… How long will you—” I try to get the words out, but the tears come.
“Four months.”
“Four months?!” I shake my head. “You can’t do this. You can’t leave—”
“Andi, please, listen to your brother.”
I snap my head to my dad. “Did you know about this?” Judging by the way he hangs his head, I already know the answer.
When I briefly look at Devon, he’s shaking his head slightly, as if to warn me. It just makes me madder. “You can’t go!” I snap. “You can’t leave us.” I feel my voice shake.
“Andi, I went into the army knowing this may happen. I choose to fight for my country, and the army has heard my call.”
“I don’t care about your fucking army.”
“Andi, that’s enough!” Dad shouts.
I know I’m acting like a selfish and spoiled child. Even as I shout, I know my behaviour is unreasonable, but I just can’t help myself. “No, Dad. It’s not enough. Charlie’s going to one of the most dangerous countries in the world. We’ve already lost Mum.” I look at Charlie, gritting my teeth, trying my best to fight back my tears. “I refuse to lose you, too.”
Angry, I push my chair out of the way and rush toward the garden to cry out my frustration. As I open the door, I can hear my dad say, “Leave her. She just needs a minute.”
I run toward a small spot I used to hide in as a child. Once there, I sit on the little seat and let the tears flow. As my own selfish reasons for lashing out subside, the guilt comes. I know I shouldn’t have yelled the way I did. I know my behaviour was unacceptable. I also know that, as soon as I go back in, I’m going to apologise. But I couldn’t help it. Apart from my dad, Charlie’s all I have left.
“You shouldn’t have said that in there.” I snap my head up to see Devon staring at me as he leans against the side of the house.
Frantically, I wipe away the tears. I refuse to let him see me in this state. “You think I don’t know that?” I sniffle and look away.
“It was selfish of you.” I get up, not wanting to hear any more. “You can’t take the heat when someone calls you on your bullshit, can you?”
I stop and turn around to face him. I stalk up to him and jab my finger into his chest. “I don’t need you to tell me shit. I know what I said was unreasonable. What I don’t need is you rubbing my face in it.”
He looks at my finger pointing at his chest. “Have you said your piece, little girl?”
Instantly, my face flushes with anger. “How dare you—”
“Watch what you say to me,” he interrupts.
This man keeps pushing me and pushing me. Why? Because he wants me to snap? He knows he must be pressing my buttons, but he doesn’t seem to care. I’m so angry I feel like I could gouge his eyes out. Talking to me like this in the office is one thing, but having him speak to me like this in my own family home is another.
I glare at him. “We’re not in the office today, Devon, so don’t think you can speak to me like that. You’re in my house—eating dinner with my family. I’m not someone you can boss around here. Yes, I said things in there that I shouldn’t have, and yes, I will go in and apologise. What I don’t need is you acting like Mr High and Mighty, telling me what I said was wrong. Don’t talk down on me like you have no flaws. At least I can admit mine.”
His eyes widen. For the briefest of moments, it makes me feel like I have the upper hand. Unfortunately, as per usual, it doesn’t last long.
He leans in so close that I feel his breath against my skin. I will my body not to react to it, but it does. He locks his eyes on mine before trailing them down to my lips. I swallow hard before he looks back up. “Number one, this is your dad’s home. Number two, I will talk to you however the fuck I like. Number three, I don’t know what you’re talking about because I haven’t got any flaws. You, on the other hand …”
I grit my teeth. “Do you know what you can do?”
“No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway.”
Without another thought, I say, “You can go fuck yourself.”
I start to walk away, but he grabs my wrist, spins me around, and pushes me up against the house before locking his lips with mine. At first, I’m rooted to the spot in shock, but then he squeezes my waist to him and coaxes my mouth open. When he does, I moan—immediately giving in to his sweet taste.
“Andi!”
I can vaguely hear my name being called, but I’m so caught up in the moment, I fail to realise it’s my brother. It seems Devon is the same because instead of pushing me away, he grabs the back of my head, and breathlessly trails kisses from my lips to my cheek, along my neck, and across my shoulder.
I moan again. It’s like I’m having an out-of-body experience. Have the last ten minutes really happened?
“Andi!” my brother calls again. He’s closer this time, and it registers with us.
Devon breathlessly pulls away. I watch as he struggles to compose himself before Charlie catches us.
“There you are,” Charlie says as he comes around the corner. He looks from me to Devon, then back to me. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine,” Devon says. “I think Andi wants to say something.” He pats him on the back. “I’ll leave you to it.”
For a moment, I frown. I should be processing my outburst back in the house, not what the hell happened out here.
“I don’t want to, but you understand why I need to do this, don’t you?”
Snapping myself to the present, I look into Charlie’s concerned eyes, which make me feel guilty. “I’m so sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean to—”
“Shh …” He brings me in for a hug. “It’s okay. I kind of expected it, but I know you don’t mean anything by it.”
“I’m worried that when you get back, you’ll be a changed man. I hear the stories, Charlie. I’ve read how war can change a person. I don’t want it to change you. I want my brother to come back the same—both physically and mentally.” I grip my eyes shut, hoping this is just a bad dream.
“Andi, I promise it won’t change me.”
“How can you promise that?”
I feel and hear him sigh. “I don’t know what to say to reassure you that everything will be okay.”
I clutch onto him. “I don’t want you to go. It’ll tear me apart knowing you’re out there, always wondering if you’re safe.”
I feel him stroke my hair. “I know.” He kisses the top of my head and then pulls away. He cups my cheeks in his hands. With his thumbs, he wipes away my tears. “I’m not planning on going anywhere, Andi. In just over four months, I’ll be home and you’ll be shouting at me about something else.”
I laugh. “I still think you stole my Now Greatest Hits CD.”
He chuckles. “That’s my girl.” He brings me in for another hug.
“I love you, Charlie. So much.”
I feel him squeeze me. “I love you, too, Andi Pandy.”