“You should have fucking let me go around there when I had the chance. I could have killed him and gotten rid of the body. I know people. They would have helped me.”
Shaking my head, I look at my brother as he stands in my apartment looking out the window, hands clenched.
It’s been almost six weeks since I left Devon’s apartment. Six weeks since I went to the police station and told them everything I knew. They went over to his apartment. Apparently, he corroborated my story, giving them a couple addresses Pete could be. They didn’t find him until a week later, a needle in his arm and vomit running down his chin. He had overdosed. We couldn’t get our justice.
As for Devon, he was arrested for perverting the course of justice, but is out on bail, pending trial. I don’t much care what happens to him. As far as I’m concerned, that’s done. Apart from getting my clothes, there is one more thing I need to do before I close that chapter of my life.
“And where would you be now if you got caught? I need a brother out free and living his life. Not one with his arse in jail for years.”
“I still can’t believe it all,” Ritchie says, interrupting.
I shake my head. “Me, either. I can’t believe all that time I was with him and spoke about Mum, he never thought to mention it. He kept telling me his brother was the only family he had—”
“He had us,” Charlie says, gritting his teeth.
“I know.” I feel my eyes pool with tears, so I shake myself out of it. I promised that I wouldn’t shed another tear for that man again.
I hear Charlie inhale sharply as he turns to me. “Right. I’d better go. I have a ton of shit to sort out before we go away.” Getting up, I smile and walk toward my brother, giving him a hug. “Do you want to come with me to Dad’s?”
I shake my head. “No, I have some stuff to do, too. I’ll come see you tomorrow.”
I see my brother out and then walk back in. Ritchie looks up to me with a sad expression. He gets up and takes my hand. “Are you okay?”
I smile. “I’m hanging in there.” I look around the apartment I’ve known for well over a year. “I’m going to miss this place.”
Ritchie gives me a hug. “I’m going to miss you.”
I squeeze him tightly, closing my eyes. “I’m going to miss you, too. Whenever you and Monique can, will you visit me?”
He pulls away, nodding. “Of course … just as long as you don’t start wearing baseball caps and talking all that American talk.”
I laugh. “Okay. I won’t.”
“I can’t believe you’re leaving.”
I can’t quite believe it, either. After everything that’s happened, I knew I couldn’t stay in London anymore, so I take up Aaron’s offer to go and work in the US. The money is just as good as what I make here, so I jump at the chance. It means I can still help Dad out with the mortgage payments. He needs it now more than ever with Charlie staying with him. He’s still recuperating and getting help for his PTSD. He and Joanne have been getting on really well. So well, in fact, that when I move over there in two weeks, Charlie’s coming with me and staying for a month.
“So much has happened in such a short period of time. I can’t quite wrap my head around it all. I know, in my heart of hearts, this is the right thing to do.”
Dropping his hand, I look around the place again. “I still have a lot of packing to do before moving over to my dad’s tomorrow, but I need to go do something first. Once I’m back, I’ll have little gin and tonic with you. For old times’ sake.”
Ritchie smiles. “I look forward to it.” He sits down on the sofa. “Let me know when you’re coming home so I can start slicing the lemons.”
With that, I laugh, grab my keys, my bag, my phone, and an envelope. “Okay, I’ll be sure to do that,” I say as I walk to the door. “See you soon.”
I hail a cab, rattling off Devon’s address. I sit clutching my bag the whole way. My heart is erratic. A few times, I wonder if I should tell the driver to turn around so I can go home. I won’t, though. I feel this is something I have to do.
When I get there and walk into the building, one of the guards seems surprised to see me. It has been a while. I nod at him before calling the lift. I’m hoping Devon isn’t in, but I will do this whether he is or not.
When I get to his door, I take in a deep breath and ring the doorbell. No one answers. For a brief moment, I sigh in relief. A part of me hoped he was out, but another big part wanted to face him, tell him what he did was the worst possible thing he could have ever done.
Digging into my bag, I take out my key and let myself in. I tentatively look around, but I don’t see anyone. Everything is almost as I left it all those weeks ago.
I place everything down, go into the bedroom, and start packing my clothes. Again, everything is exactly as I left it. Even my toiletries are still in the master bathroom next to Devon’s stuff. Once I’m done, I walk out into the living room, place the white envelope on the counter next to the landline, and walk back toward my bag.
“Did you get everything?”
The sound of his voice makes me jump. I squint, trying to find him in the living room. I see a shadow in the corner. Devon walks out, holding a glass of bourbon in his hand. This time, he’s visibly drunk. I grip my hands tightly, trying to stop my heart from beating out of my chest. This was a man I used to love inexplicably. Seeing him, knowing what I know, him looking unkempt, unshaven, and drunker than I think I’ve ever seen him, I start to wonder how I could have ever loved him. Loved that demon inside him.
“Yes,” I answer, watching him as he sits on the sofa.
“Is that envelope what I think it is?”
I nod. “Yes.”
He smiles. “He won.” He doesn’t say his name, but I know he means Aaron. He never liked him simply because he knew he liked me.
“It’s not about winning or losing, Devon. It never was. If you wouldn’t have kept what you knew a secret, it would have never come to this. I’m not going to the US because of Aaron. I’m going because I need this job.”
“To pay for your father’s house.”
I frown. “How do you know about that?”
He leans forward, rubbing his head in his hands. “I’ve known about it from the beginning. Why do you think you were paid so highly?”
I feel my anger boiling again at this new information. “You knew and you took advantage of it? You treated me like shit because you knew I had no other choice but to take it?”
He gets up from the sofa and turns to me. “No. I treated you like shit because I wanted you and felt like a piece of shit for knowing I had this fucking black cloud hanging over my head.”
“What is it you want from me? Pity? Because you know hell will freeze over before I offer you that.”
Looking down, he shakes his head. “No. I don’t want your pity. I know I don’t deserve it. But I want the chance to offer you this.” He bends down, picking up a briefcase before placing it on the coffee table. He opens it, revealing it’s full of cash.
“What is this?”
He looks up at me. “A chance for you to pay off your father’s debt. A chance for you to live your life and do what you want to do rather than what everyone else expects of you.”
Closing my eyes, I feel my blood boil. “One, no one expects anything from me. I do it because of the love I have for my family. And two, I’m not your brother. I don’t want or need a fucking penny from you.” I start to move, but he rushes to stand in front of me, placing his hands out.
“I’m sorry. I was trying to help.” He sways a little on his feet, rubbing his face again. “I know I’m doing everything wrong. I was just trying to find a way to make it up to you.”
“Nothing you can do or say will make up for the fact that you knew your brother killed my mum and you did nothing about it!” I try to move around him, but he wraps his arms around me, locking them in place. I scream.
“Shh, please. I just want to hold you one last time.”
I start struggling. Suddenly, the air is sucked right out of me. “Devon, let me go.” He moves his head to the crook of my neck, inhaling. Tears pool in my eyes as I struggle, but to no avail. “Devon, please,” I whisper. “Please, let me go.”
When he doesn’t listen, I get angry—struggling in his arms like my life depends on it. Devon starts moving me toward the sofa. When I realise it, I struggle even more. “Devon, let me go!” I kick his leg, hearing him grunt. We both fall, landing on the sofa. He starts kissing the side of my neck, making a fear like no other crawl up my spine.
“I need you, Andi. Just one last time. Give this to me,” he whispers breathlessly, his hands all over me.
Tears pool my eyes again as I shake my head. When he looks up at me, I try imploring him to stop. “No, Devon. Not like this. Please, let me go.”
He looks at me vacantly. It’s almost as if he’s not Devon anymore—and the thought terrifies me. Bending his head, he starts kissing around my chest. “God, I fucking need you. I’ve missed you so much. Missed what it’s like to feel you beneath me. Missed what it’s like to be inside you.”
I start to sob, realising he’s reaching a point of no return. Fear creeps up my spine exponentially, wondering if I can get myself out of this.
“I don’t want this.” I try moving my arm to push him off, but he holds me in place with one arm strapped across my chest, the other moving to push up my skirt. “Devon, no!” I scream, trying to move. It’s no use. “Please, don’t do this to me,” I beg as he starts to unbutton his jeans. “Please.”
When he pushes his jeans down, I buck beneath him, screaming at the top of my lungs. His hand quickly covers my mouth as he moves my knickers out of the way. My chest tightens, making my lungs scream out in agony.
Knowing what’s coming next, my body becomes rigid. I can’t see through my tears, but I can feel enough to know what’s happening. What’s going to happen?
Once he places his erection at my entrance, I start to scream into his hand. I shake my head violently—frantically trying to will him to see sense. I try pushing myself up as much as I can to get away from him, but it only allows me a few more seconds before he degrades me in the worst way imaginable.
He forces his way inside me, making me realise I’ve completely lost myself. The man who I used to love and who I once trusted is gone. How can a man who claims to love me tear me apart like this? How can a man who once said he would protect me until his dying breath end up being the beast I need protection from?
As the pain sears me from the inside out, my head bobs as tears wrack my body. I try opening my mouth to cry out, but nothing comes. I can’t breathe. No air fills my airways to allow my beating heart to thump at the rate it is.
He starts to move, grunting like a vicious animal. He is an animal, but it’s only now I realise how much of one he has become. I thought I could change him. I thought I could tame the demons inside of him. In the end, I’ve only succeeded in letting them out after having incited their wrath.
Pain. That’s all I feel right now. I try moving my head away so I don’t have to see what’s happening. Whatever I do, it doesn’t take away the fact that I can feel each thrust, feel his skin on mine, hear each ragged breath he takes and moan he makes.
I can feel and hear everything.
“I love you, Andi. I fucking love you.” He says it repeatedly, as if somehow saying it makes what he’s doing okay. It’s not okay. It’s far from okay. I feel like someone’s ripping my heart out of my chest. My whole world is collapsing around me with a violent thud. I feel claustrophobic, like the walls are caving in on me. I can’t move. His body is pressed to mine, trapping me from any possible escape.
I try closing my eyes, shutting out the sound so I don’t have to be in this body anymore. Bile rises in my throat. I feel like I’m going to be sick. He suddenly arches his back, crying out before stilling. My body goes rigid, feeling the pain inside me. I’m so glad it’s over, but now that it is, the urge to run is immense.
As he places his head at the crook of my neck, he still has his hand over my mouth. Eventually, he moves it, allowing me to inhale a sharp breath, but he doesn’t get off. Every single cell in my body wants to move, but I know he won’t let me go if I try.
So, against everything my mind and body is telling me to do, I remain still and let Devon relax on top of me. When I hear his steady breathing, I know he’s fallen asleep. I try to figure out how to move without waking him.
A few more minutes go by, but all I’ve managed to move is my arm and leg. The rest of me is still pinned tightly underneath him. With my free hand, I push the coffee table away from me so I can try to slide myself out from underneath him. I manage to move a little, but he stirs, moaning. My heart is beating so fast. I don’t want to wake him because I don’t want to find out what he’ll do next.
Agonisingly slowly, I manage to push myself from underneath him until I fall to the floor next to the couch. Holding my breath, I look, seeing him lying flat on his stomach, his face to the side of one of the sofa cushions. He looks peaceful. So peaceful, one could never imagine the horror he’s just unleashed on me.
I push myself up, grabbing my things before I run to the door. I turn to look at Devon once more, making sure he’s where I left him. He hasn’t moved.
I clutch the door handle, feeling a huge sigh of relief. My heart thumps and I’m sweating, but my body feels like it’s not mine. I have this urge to scrub myself clean until I’m rid of the dirt I feel etched into my skin. Until I’m rid of Devon for good.
I swiftly open the door, slowly closing it so as not to make too much noise before I steadily walk towards the lift. When I step in and watch the doors close, it’s like I’m permanently closing a chapter of my life. A chapter I never want to read or even touch again.
As I ride the lift down, I close my eyes, clutching everything tightly. I hope that if there is life beyond death, my mum is somehow with me now, comforting me like I know she would.
“I’m so scared, Mum,” I whisper, shaking my head, wondering how on earth this all happened. I open my eyes, fresh tears falling down my face as I stare straight ahead.
“What happens now?”