Chapter Two
Rachel
It was two in the afternoon, and I was still sitting on the couch in my pajamas. I didn’t really care. I was mindlessly watching daytime television. It was awful, but it kept my mind busy. For the most part. It was hard not to get sucked into my own thoughts. Into my own miserable little world.
Sitting there, I let the loss of my desire to do anything with my life take over. I still wasn’t ready to function normally, and at this point, didn’t really think I would ever be able to.
There was a knock on my apartment door that pulled me out of my thoughts. I got up off the couch, walked over, and looked through the peephole. It was my best friend, Sadie. I debated for a moment about letting her in or not. I liked being by myself and hated having to socialize these days.
I figured I’d better let her in before I pushed her away too much, though. I had already lost enough friends over the last year, and I couldn’t really handle losing anymore. Especially not Sadie: not my best friend.
I opened the door.
“Hi, Sadie,” I said, trying to muster up my most cheerful voice.
“Hey, Rachel. Can I come in, or are you just going to make me stand here?”
Opening the door, I stepped back some. “No, no come in. Sorry, my apartment is such a mess. It’s just I’ve been so busy lately.”
She raised an eyebrow, “Busy? With what?”
“With… With nothing,” I finally said, exhaling a sigh.
“That’s what I thought,” she said, and then I watched as she began to pick various things up and set them off to the side or put them away. She even unloaded and loaded my dishwasher. I hadn’t done that in at least three weeks. I’d ended up just opting for paper plates and plastic ware. I didn’t necessarily use many dishes. I hadn’t been eating much anyway since it was just me all by myself. There had been no one else to feed meals to.
“You really need to get yourself out of the house and get your life back together, Rachel,” she said, as she cleaned.
“I know,” I said, speaking quietly. She was right. I knew she was, but I was so damn tired. I wasn’t happy. I had nothing to live for now, so getting my life back together was a lot harder than it seemed. I sat down on the couch. I felt awkward in my own apartment while she was cleaning it, and didn’t really know what to do. I wasn’t sure if I should help her or just stay out of the way.
“I’m serious, Rachel. I’m worried about you.”
I waved a hand at her. “Oh, don’t be. I’m just fine,” I said.
“Are you sure about that?” she asked me, as she made a gesture around the apartment.
Tears were starting to burn the corner of my eyes. I didn’t want to cry again though. Especially not in front of Sadie. Not in front of anyone. I didn’t even want to cry again when I was alone. I was tired of crying.
Sadie came over and sat down next to me. She put her arm around my shoulders and pulled me to her.
“What’s wrong, Rach?”
I took a deep breath, but my shoulders slouched forward, and the tears ripped through me. “I’m just so tired and overwhelmed,” I admitted.
It was the truth. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and I knew depression made people tired. I knew without a doubt that I had depression. I just wouldn’t admit it out loud to anyone. I felt constantly tired and the more tired I felt, the more I didn’t want to do anything. Thus leading to me feeling more and more overwhelmed. It was a vicious and never-ending cycle, and I had no idea how to break it.
“I know; that’s why I’m here.”
“It’s just been so hard for me.”
“I know. But Rachel, it’s been a year. It’s time to start working on putting your life back together now, she said.
Turning back to Sadie, I gave her a hug. There was a reason this girl was my best friend. She had always been there for me through everything bad that had happened.
“He’s engaged,” I told her.
“How do you know?” she asked.
“I made a fake account, and I stalk him. I look at least once a week.”
A hand went to her mouth. “Oh, Rachel. That needs to stop. You are so much better than that. You are so much better than them.”
The ‘them’ she referred to were my ex-husband and his fiancée. The girl he left me for because he couldn’t deal with our marriage anymore. Even a year later, it was still too hard for me to cope with. Especially since I had discovered they were engaged. In one year they had moved their relationship status so fast, and I hadn’t moved at all. It seemed so unfair.
“Let’s go get you ready and go out to lunch. Come on. I want to take you out for a bite to eat,” Sadie said.
I didn’t want to go. I wanted to just stay at home. I didn’t want to have to continue on with my life. I was perfectly happy just wasting away in my own little apartment away from the world and all the evil in it.
But I didn’t want to lose Sadie, and somewhere deep down inside of me, I hoped that it would make me feel a little better to actually get out of the house. So reluctantly, but with a tiny sliver of hope, I made my way from the living room to my bedroom so I could start getting ready.
Grabbing some clothes from my closet, I threw them on and stepped into the bathroom to fix myself up a bit.
I applied just a bit of mascara and lip gloss, then brushed through my hair and threw it up into a messy bun. I was ready, readier than I had been in a while.
Walking back into the living room where she was waiting for me, I grabbed my purse.
We decided to take Sadie’s car. I didn’t feel like driving, anyway. I climbed inside of her white Volvo and buckled myself in.
“You know what I think would help you?” she asked, as we drove toward the restaurant.
I had been looking out the window, in my own world. Starring off into the distance, and once again, wrapped up in my own thoughts. Lost in them and feeling lonely. It was weird to watch the world just fly by. Everything looked different now. I hardly ever left the house, and when I did it, I always noticed new things going on in my community. Almost every time there was something new to look at.
“What’s that?” I asked her, only partially curious as to what she was going to say.
“A job.”
I turned my head slowly and looked at her. Had she lost her mind? I bought paper plates and plastic forks so I wouldn’t have to worry about dishes anymore. How the hell did she think I was going to be able to hold a job? I hadn’t had a job in over a year. I lived off the alimony my ex-husband paid me. It wasn’t at all, a life of luxury, but it paid the bills and allowed me to buy food. It was enough for me.
“Are you serious?” I asked her. It was craziness to me that she even thought that a reasonable thing to suggest.
“Yeah, I think it would help you to have something to do.” She shrugged as she said this. Of course, it was easy for her to say something like that. She could do anything.
“I don’t want to work at the bakery, if you’re offering,” I said, thinking that she might have wanted me to come work with her. Baking was not something I was interested in at all.
“I know. You need to find something that you’re interested in,” she said.
We pulled up to Sam’s Deli. It was a small local deli we had found one day a few years ago, and we had continued to visit on occasion because it was damn good. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had been there.
“I hope this is okay,” she said and put the car in reverse.
I nodded my head, “Yeah, this is great.”
We got out and went inside. Quickly, we ordered at the counter and settled in a booth in the back to wait for our food.
“What are you passionate about?” Rachel asked me.
It was strange, because when she asked me that, I realized that for a while now I hadn’t really had anything I was passionate about, and the thought made me a little sad. I just shrugged, because I wasn’t sure how to answer her.
“You should figure that out and then go from there,” she said.
I took a bite of my sandwich and thought hard about what interests I had.
After swallowing the bite of sandwich, I found I had an answer for her. At least a little bit of one.
“I like art.”
“There you go. There are tons of galleries and stuff around. You could find a job easily, and I know that you’d fit right in.”
I smiled at her. She was such a great person for trying to make me feel better, even though I was clearly not inclined to cooperate.
“I’ll think about it, okay?” I said, trying to show my appreciation for her patience. “So, what’s new with you?”
“Oh my gosh! I forgot to tell you about the cute guy I met this weekend!” She was so excited, her green eyes were lighting up, and I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen that look on myself. I hadn’t felt excited emotion of any sort in such a long time. I didn’t think I really knew how.
“What? Spill it then; what happened?” I asked.
“So, I met him at the bar. You know that sort of divey bar down on First Street?” she asked. I nodded my head at her; I knew the bar well. That’s where I had met Dillon. I watched her face cringe as realization dawned on her. “Oh shit. That’s where you met Dillon. I’m sorry, Rachel; I’m an idiot.”
“It’s fine; keep going with the story,” I said, encouraging her.
“Well anyway, I met him there, and we hit it off. He was cute and so friendly. A big flirt and a talker, and you know how I love to talk.”
I let out a small laugh, “So, it was like perfect for you.”
She took a sip of her Coke and nodded her head. “Exactly. So, we exchanged numbers, and then he took me out on the dance floor. We danced for a while, and it was a lot of fun. Then his phone started ringing, and when he went to answer, it fell on the floor. It was his sister calling, but he called her ‘baby.’ which was strange.”
“What?” I asked. That was the single weirdest thing I had heard in a while. She always had crazy stuff going on though and was always running into some seriously strange people.
“Yeah. Then he told her he’d be home later.”
I put my hand up to stop her from talking. “Hold up, are you sure that wasn’t his wife.”
“That’s what I thought, so I asked a friend he was with, and the guy straight up told me it was his sister.”
I cringed.
“So, then I got his friend’s number, and we’re going out again tomorrow night.”
She seemed genuinely happy, and I wanted to be happy for my friend. I smiled at her. Then I turned just in time to see a couple, obviously married, with their little baby daughter sit down at the table next to us. And I was sucked right out of my semi-happy place.
Because I knew that could have been me. I could have had the happy little family and been out for lunch with them. Instead, I was with my best friend, at a lunch where she was trying to make me feel better because I was still devastated by what I had lost.
Just that fast, I felt completely tired again, and could no longer even finish my meal. Obviously, Sadie realized it too, because she took me home and didn’t even try to hang out longer. I retreated back inside my apartment and sat down on my couch, alone.