***
“Hurry up! Jane is not going to wait for us forever,” shouted my roommate, bursting into my room.
I pulled my top down fast, to hide the bruise on my stomach. My cheeks burned as I turned to face her. I couldn’t even look at my roommate as I mumbled that I was almost ready.
“Well, come on. We’re not going to have this ride forever. Jane’s father is taking the car back in two hours.”
“I’ll be out in a minute, Sarah. Just give me a minute, OK?”
She left, scolding me under her breath.
I sighed, struggling to stop myself from crying. I didn’t have time to repair my makeup.
A gulp of cold water helped me regain some composure, so I could join Sarah and Jane in the parking lot.
“Girl, you take a long time to get ready! I almost left without you,” Jane said, starting the engine.
“It doesn’t matter now. We’re going to this concert. Let’s go!”
Sarah had been eager to see this band ever since they announced their first concert. She was really into indie rock and somehow managed to obtain VIP tickets, whatever they entailed for such a little known band, from one lucky geek last week.
I was grateful to Sarah for preventing Jane’s inquiry into every little detail that didn’t sit right with her. She had a way of getting the most hidden truth out of me and I didn’t want this truth out in the open.
It took great effort to keep up appearances for my friends. I couldn’t enjoy the evening, as I was too preoccupied with hiding my bruises; not the physical ones, Alex had been careful to hit me where no one could see. My pain was greater on the inside, where I couldn’t lie to myself. I was a failure, there was no way around it.
How else would I have missed the signs and gotten fooled by this guy? Only a failed human being could put up with such a treatment.
And, come to think of it, Alex was right. “If you’re taking it, that means you deserve it. Anyone else would’ve left.” His words made sense.
The hardest part was that I knew my mother would’ve ripped him apart. While that prospect seemed reassuring, I couldn’t help but hurt more at the disappointment I would cause her.
The daughter she was so proud of turns out to be just a doormat. She would never be able to look at me the same way again.
And all of that would come on top of the sadness and pity she would feel for me. She was just getting her life back together, finally dating a nice man and going out with friends that brightened her day. How could I upset her with my misery? It wasn’t worth it, it was my mess to deal with.
Jane had charmed a guy into buying us drinks all night and I took advantage. The alcohol burned, I wasn't used to it, but it washed the thoughts away. Soon, I wasn’t capable of hurting coherently anymore. The mangled pain felt better, as harsh thoughts stopped being so clear and sharp in my mind.
In the morning, I woke up in my bed. Not at the dorm, but my bed at home. On the nightstand next to me, Mum had left aspirin and a glass of water. I sat up, trying to remember how I got there, but all I could think of was how disappointed my mother must be. I was petrified, wishing that all was just a bad dream.
“Honey? Are you up?” I heard Mum whisper from outside the door. “Honey?”
I cleared my throat, my cheeks burning even if she couldn’t see me.
“I’m fine, Mum.”
“Did you take that aspirin?”
“You can come in, Mum. Yes, I took it. Thank you.”
I heard the door but I couldn’t look her way. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole.
After a full minute, she chuckled. I looked up, curios.
“Oh, honey. You were so drunk last night,” she said, trying hard not to laugh.
“I… You’re not mad?”
She finally couldn’t hold back anymore. She laughed out loud until tears welled up in her eyes. It almost made me smile. She was cheerful, which meant things were not as bad as I imagined them to be.
“What’s so funny in here?” a man asked from out in the hallway.
My eyes widened in surprise as Mum tried to draw enough air to speak.
“Who’s that, Mum?”
“He’s… That’s George.”
“Oh. Nice to meet you, George!” I shouted through the door. “Can you give me a minute to get decent?”
“By all means. I’ll just wait downstairs for you, ladies.”
All I needed was my mother’s boyfriend to see me like this. I made an effort and managed to drop my feet over the edge of the bed, but I had moved too fast. A wave of nausea stopped me from going any further. Then, the headache I vaguely remembered from last night came back with renewed strength.
“Come, I’ll make you your father’s hangover remedy.”
“Are you sure you’re not mad?”
I grabbed a bathrobe on my way to the bathroom, avoiding to get changed in front of my mother. My bruises were not a sight for her eyes.
“No, honey, I’m not mad. You were bound to get drunk at some point in your life. I’m just glad you asked your friend's father to drive you home.”
“Jane’s father? Oh, God…”
“Yeah,” Mother managed before succumbing to another episode of laughter.
“God, I’m sorry, Mum.”
“Don’t worry, honey. But you might have to take it up to Jane’s father when you get back.”
“I’ll apologize to him too. Pay for gas, maybe.”
“And the cleaning bill.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
“Did I…?”
“All over the backseat. I don’t know what you girls had to drink, but there was a lot of color in the fabric.”
“Oh, my God. All I needed now to complete the picture of shame is puking on Mr Martin’s backseat. Great.”
I came back out of the bathroom, realizing I had forgotten to get a change of clothes. Mum intercepted me and went for a hug. I cringed, my brain thinking that she was going to hit me, just like Alex liked to.
My reticence seemed to give Mum pause, but I wrapped my hands around her waist quickly, to distract her.
“OK, Mum, I need to take a shower. I’ll be downstairs in a minute.”
“I’ll get started on that remedy. Oh, and, Eva?”
“Yes, Mum?”
“Next week I was thinking we could go on a weekend together. Me, you, George and his son, David. To know each other better.”
“But next weekend is Alex’s frat party.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand. He’s a nice guy.”
I smiled bitterly, but my heart was already racing at the thought of having to tell him about this trip. He certainly was a nice guy when people were around, but I was the only one who knew what sort of person he was behind closed doors.
“We’ll be downstairs, honey. We’ll talk about this, OK?”
I nodded and hurried into the bathroom, as anxiety was worsening my nausea. “He is going to be so mad at me,” I said to myself, as I doubled over the toilet.