Twenty one; there are only twenty one people present to see the mahogany casket get lowered into the ground.
Twenty one witnesses for a life tragically lost.
I remember how I once thought that funerals held nothing but love; love for the person who has passed, love for the times you shared with each other and love for those who surround you, helping you through the most painful of times.
I can honestly say I do not feel the love at this one, not because it isn’t here, but because I am impervious to it, sheltered from such strong emotions by the steel wall I have erected around my heart, stopping it from shattering completely.
I stand away from the other mourners, not making eye contact and paying little attention to the service taking place in front of me.
My eyes though, they never stray from that shiny wooden box.
Inside lays the cold body of a man that was warm, vibrant and alive just a few days ago. Now it contains just a shell, a no longer useful vessel for the soul that was lost at sea.
Clouds cover the bright sunshine by the time the service has ended and all the people have gone. The casket now lowered into the ground, is adjusting to its final resting place.
I should be leaving too but I feel adrift, like my soul is floating around in an endless sea, caught by riptides and never allowed to return to shore.
My mind is consumed by ‘what ifs’.
What if I refused a date with Jake that day?
What if I told him I didn’t like boats?
What if I stopped him from stupidly entering the sea?
What if?
I finally move from the spot I’ve been rigidly standing in when the gravediggers come to cover the casket with earth.
I cannot bring myself to watch this part. It’s too final, too absolute.
The vibration of my phone rouses me from my thoughts and I rush to check it. It has been permanently in my hand since that day, waiting for a call that never came.
Today though it’s in my pocket; I didn’t expect a call and thought it inappropriate, given the circumstances, to stand clutching it to my chest.
In fact, why am I here at all? I don’t belong here. I don’t belong with his friends and family, people I do not know. I am a stranger to them.
Swiping the screen I see five missed calls and a text. How the hell did I miss all these? I really must have zoned out for longer than I thought.
I ignore the voicemails and open the text as I can see it’s from Liv.
They’ve found him Em, u need to come back right now!
I read the text a dozen times before the words register.
My heart stutters in my chest when realisation hits, causing me to stumble from my prone position.
OH. MY. GOD.
A million scenarios fly through my mind but I focus on just one, he’s alive.
He has to be alive.
Running from the cemetery and the scene of Max’s funeral, I feel not an ounce of guilt for the hope that blazes through my chest like wildfire.
I hail the first taxi I see and blurt out my destination before my bum has even hit the seat, returning Liv’s call as the taxi pulls out into traffic.
“Is he okay?” I exhale the words quickly not even bothering to greet her when she answers her phone.
“He’s alive Em, barely but he’s alive. You need to get here quickly; we are at the same hospital you were taken to for your check up. Please hurry.”
Her words end in a sob, the muffled sound of her phone being passed to someone else heightening my already, rapid heartbeat.
“Em, Emma are you still there?” Liam’s worried voice comes over the phone.
“I’m here, I’ll be with you in less than fifteen minutes, just tell me he really is okay Liam, please?”
“He was found washed up in front of some small cove, dehydrated, sunburnt and unconscious. He’s being treated now, they won’t allow any of us to see him yet but he’s alive Emma.” His voice catches on the words and I hear him inhale a deep, shaky breath.
“He is alive and I was starting to lose hope that we would ever find him, so I refuse to believe he is going to be anything other than fine. He didn’t survive five days out there lost, to only give up now that we have found him.”
He sounds strong and resolute, so unlike the Liam I know and love, the one who is always joking, never taking life seriously.
These last few days have changed us all.
I hang up and clutch my phone to my chest, quickly issuing the driver with my new destination. Less than twenty minutes later I am rushing through the front doors of the hospital, frantically scanning the foyer for any one I know.
My eyes catch Liam coming through a set of doors on my right and I stop dead at the look of concern on his face. He hesitates for just a second before striding towards me and gathering me in his strong arms, almost squeezing the breath from my lungs.
“Jules I’m so glad you’re here.”
This is the first time since Jake’s disappearance that Liam has touched me and I buckle with the relief that I have my friend back but I won’t be happy until I lay my eyes on Jake.
“Where is he?” I ask into his chest, unable to move from his crushing embrace.
“I’ll take you to the family room, everyone is there waiting for an update, we should know more soon.”
He loosens the tight grip he has on me just enough to look down into my face. His eyes roam over every inch of my features, almost like he’s searching for something but the moment ends when Liv runs out through the same doors calling my name,
“Emma, Oh My God Emma!” she rushes towards us and Liam releases me so I can step to the side and wrap my arms around my best friend.
“What’s happened Liv, has something happened?” I look into her tear soaked eyes praying that I am over-reacting.
“He’s just woken up, it was only for a few moments but he opened his eyes Emma and tried to speak.” She forces the words through her hiccupping breath.
“He asked for you Emma, he asked if you were safe.” She squeezes me tightly and I glance over her shoulder towards Liam who is now looking at me with overwhelming relief written all over his handsome face.
“Well if my big brother is awake and asking for you Jules, we had better not disappoint him.” He gives me a beaming smile and the three of us make our way to the family room.
We enter the small room to an air of jubilance.
Mrs Fox-Williams is standing watching her eldest son and husband embrace at the joyous news that Jake woke up, if only for a second.
Tears stream down her face but her smile tells of a mother who has just had the weight of the world lifted from her shoulders.
Everyone turns to us as we enter and in one co-ordinated swoop, I am gathered up by both Nate and Mr Fox, who lift me from my feet in celebration.
I cannot help but giggle at the overwhelming joy saturating this room. It feels as though the fog that had settled on us, clogging our lungs with dread, has finally dissipated.
“Has anyone seen him yet?”
I know his family will need to see him first; I just need clarification that he’s well.
I want desperately to see him but I will patiently wait my turn so long as I know that he is safe.
Nate speaks first, “Not yet, Mum and Dad are going in first when they get the all clear from the Doc. Seeing as the first thing he asked for when he opened his eyes was you, I think we all agree that you should be next in to see him.”
He smiles and looks around at everyone else seeking agreement, they all smile back at me, all wanting to give Jake what he asked for.
“If you’re sure, I’d love to go in to see him but not until it’s ok for me to do so.”
I thank him for his gracious offer by giving him a hug. Not for one second am I going to argue about getting the chance to see Jake with my own eyes. He’s only here because he foolishly tried to save me. In fact it’s becoming a theme, Jake laying himself on the line to protect me.
“We want to keep the invalid happy and if seeing you is what does that, we all agree it’s the best thing for him. He can be a right pain in the arse when he doesn’t get his own way.” Liam laughs. His laugh gets even louder when his mother jokingly scolds him for talking about his brother that way.
“What Ma, you know it’s true.” He pulls his mother in for a hug and soon all the brothers surround her in a big Fox cuddle. I’m surprised she can breathe with all those strong bodies surrounding her. The sight warms me from the inside.
This is what a real family feels like.
Mr & Mrs Fox-Williams are called in by Jake’s doctor a few minutes later, leaving the rest of us to chat in much lighter spirits.
I tell Liv all about Max’s funeral. She wanted to go with me but I insisted she stay with Nate to be there for any news about Jake. She was confused as to why I wanted to go in the first place and in all honesty I couldn’t tell her the reasons myself, I just felt like I had to.
He was the catalyst for the events of that day and although I truly didn’t blame him, I needed to pay my respects. I needed to forgive the man that indirectly caused the situation we were in. The rational side of me knew that he was not to blame and I wanted to tell him in the hope that he could hear me.
Crazy reasons I know but they seemed to make sense to me at the time.
Thirty minutes pass in quiet but happy conversation; I even get to finally hold a conversation with Laura, Josh’s pretty wife. She is adorable and they are very much suited, they make the perfect couple. Josh with his bookish good looks, who wears an air of intelligence like a second skin and Laura, quiet, sweet, exceptionally pretty and at ease with everyone and everything.
I’ve never met a couple more obviously in love, even if they did make me feel both nauseous and jealous in equal measure. You could tell they were childhood sweethearts and best friends; they have a connection that many people search a lifetime for, yet did not take each other for granted.
A pure love, a love between soul mates, a love based on mutual respect and adoration; yeah you can see where my sickening jealousy might manifest from, yet they were impossible to dislike or begrudge.
Liam regales everyone yet again with the “My Little Pony” story and I, for once, let those who haven’t heard it before, believe his fabricated version of the day that we met.
I am happy just to sit here and laugh along with his cheeky untruths as he winks knowingly at me. Our friendship is back to the easy and uncomplicated state it was before Jake went missing.
I’m relieved to have my friend back but a small part of me wants to ask him why he cut me out. I thought what we had was stronger than that. I thought that, after Liv, Liam was my closest friend, so his icy treatment of me while Jake was missing still stings.
When his parents return, all eyes focus on me knowing I get to go in next.
“Has he woken up again?” I ask before standing slowly.
His mother shakes her head slightly, her eyes filling with tears yet again.
“He’s comfortable and stable. The doctor said it’s just a waiting game for the moment. They will rehydrate him intravenously and allow him to wake in his own time. They have no concerns other than getting plenty of fluids in him. His severe sunburn will be painful but will heal in time and they feel he is very lucky to be alive.” His father speaks as his mother seems unable to. Obviously seeing her son still unconscious and fragile, no matter what the doctors say about his health, has to be extremely upsetting for her.
All four brothers stand up from their seats and engulf their parents in a group hug. The support this family has for each other is so beautiful. It takes me back to a few months ago when I was lying in a hospital bed unconscious and the only family that cared for me were my Dad and Liv. An envious pang hits my chest. Not because of the love this family shares but because sometimes I wonder if my mother ever really loved me at all. If she did how could she have forsaken me so easily?
I quietly slip out of the room so as not to interrupt and make my way to the nurse’s station to request to see Jake.
“You must be Emma.” The friendly yet matronly looking nurse states as I approach. “Jake’s Mamma said you are to be next to sit with him.” She smiles at me and motions me down the hallway.
“He is in here, don’t be upset he is not awake, talk to him, he might be able to hear you.” She gives me another soft smile before returning to her duties.
I stand warily outside the door for a few seconds before taking a deep breath to prepare myself and gently opening it.
The room is private and the shades have been lowered slightly, blocking out the majority of the bright sunshine outside.
Soft music plays quietly from a small radio in the corner, something I’ve never encountered in a hospital room before. I guess it’s to soothe away the silence for both patients and visitors and I have to agree, it makes entering the room less daunting.
I look over at the only bed in the large room and slow warmth envelopes my body.
He looks utterly serene, like he’s in a peaceful slumber. The only tell tale signs that he’s not just taking a nap are the monitors attached to him and the drip going into the back of one hand.
His beauty takes my breath away.
Even with a sore and blistered face he is the most breathtaking man I have ever seen.
Everything else just fades away when he is near.
I quietly walk towards his bed, taking in his shallow breaths that imply he’s in a deep slumber.
The closer I get to him, the more I have the urge to scoot up on the bed and lay next to him. To place my body next to his, absorb his warmth and relax into the comfort that only his presence will allow.
I want desperately to be here when he opens his eyes but that seems unlikely and very selfish of me as he has a whole room of people desperate to get in to see him.
So I take what I can now.
I carefully pick up one of the chairs by the bed and move it closer to him. I sit for what feels like hours, gently holding his free hand and staring at his face, willing him just to wake up if even for a second.
I lay my head on the bed, my forehead touching our joined hands and listen to the beautiful song quietly playing in the background.
The words could be straight from my very soul, it’s a song filled will yearning, need and heartache. I want to lay down beside Jake and let my body revive him, comfort him and heal him.
My eyes close of their own accord, my weary body finally relaxing from the state of anxiety that has held it captive for days.
Without realising it I fall asleep to dreams of Jake and I lying side by side.
Twenty one; I count twenty one ceiling tiles above my head before my brain catches up with the fact that I’m awake and in an unfamiliar room.
I feel disorientated and woozy, like I’m drowning, fighting for oxygen in a pool of water the thickness of treacle. My head feels separate from my body, my arms and legs weak and my whole body aches.
Emma…..
Thoughts of her infiltrate my muddled brain; her hand in mine, her eyes smiling up at me and her taste on my lips.
I fight the lethargy consuming me and attempt to sit upright, the strain of this simple task almost too much but I have to find her. What if she hasn’t been found? What if she is still stranded, stuck where I abandoned her in my foolish attempts at being her hero?
Emma….
It is only then that I feel the warmth of a hand holding mine. A slight move of my head allows me to see the vision next to me.
She is sitting awkwardly in a plastic hospital chair, her head resting on the bed next to my legs, her hair fanned out all over the blanket and her hand is encased in mine.
Relief floods my veins and I want nothing more than to run my fingers through her caramel waves, brush my fingertips over her jaw and trace the plump contours of her lips.
I pathetically do not have the strength to do any of those things but I do manage to squeeze her hand in mine. The pressure only a fraction yet it causes her eyelashes to flutter before a small sigh leaves her lips and she stirs slightly from her slumber.
I am unable to tear my gaze away from her, it feels like forever but is likely just moments, before her eyelids open and I am hit with the full force of those soul destroying eyes.
Eyes that I have dreamt of for days.
She startles and immediately straightens, concern etching her face.
If I thought her beautiful before, the sight of her sleep filled face searching mine, has just elevated her to exquisite.
She tentatively reaches out her free hand and lays it on my cheek, her eyes filling with wonder before she grants me a small smile.
“Don’t you ever do something as stupid as that again, are you listening to me?” she tries to scold me but the smile that remains on her lips betrays her.
“If you mean leaving you, I am never planning on doing anything as foolish as that again ever.” My voice is hoarse and scratchy and my lips crack with the movement of talking.
She runs her thumb gently across my chapped mouth, “Sshhh, don’t speak if it hurts, let me go and tell everyone you are awake, they will be so relieved Jake, we have all been so worried about you.”
“Not yet, just stay a few moments longer, please?” I wish I had the strength to touch her, to hold her. “I’m so thankful you are safe Emma, I dreamed you were.” Even to my ears my voice sounds weak.
“As much as I’d love for it to be just you and me, I have to go and let everyone know Jake, plus the nurse needs to check you over. It would be selfish of me to stay in here with you when they are all outside still worrying.” She cups my jaw before leaning over and placing a sweet kiss to my cracked lips.
She touches her forehead to mine before kissing it softly and then quietly leaves the room. Giving me a beaming smile as she pulls the door shut behind her.
I close my eyes and savour her touch, the areas her lips caressed are still tingling and without even knowing it a small smile forms on my mouth.
What feels like less than a minute later the door of my room swings wide and my family pour through it in a cacophony of noise.
My mother is first to rush to my bed, smothering my face in overwhelming kisses, her eyes assessing every part of me for pain or damage.
My father is immediately at my other side, picking my hand up in his and looking down at me with a huge smile on his face and tears threatening to spill from his eyes.
At the foot of the bed stand Nate, Liv, H and Liam, with Josh and Isaac behind them.
Normally this kind of family gathering would really grate on my nerves but I feel oddly comforted that all those I love are here for me, worried about me and supporting me.
I guess the word I would use to describe it is blessed, I feel blessed and that is a new sensation for me. It’s not that I don’t love my family but I never knew, until now, how much I took their love for granted.
When my mother finally releases me, after kissing every available area of skin on my face, I suddenly realise that I cannot see Emma in the throng that surrounds me.
Instantly panic flares through me, my eyes scanning the room in case I missed her.
My mother sees my distress, not one to miss out on anything amiss, “What’s wrong my love? Are you in pain?” her face has taken on a concerned look and she begins to once again assess my body for injuries.
“I can’t see Emma, has she left?”
“Oh she didn’t want to wear you out with all of us in here. When we found out you were awake none of us wanted to wait, so she’s outside. She’s such a thoughtful girl Jake.” She leans in close to whisper into my ear, “Don’t mess this one up son, girls like Emma do not come along often. She’s special that one and my boy deserves special.” She places a kiss to the side of my head and runs her hand over my hair just like she did when I was a child.
H is of course the first to break the silence of everyone else in the room.
“I swear to God J, I’ve never been so worried as I have been the last few days, well not since I lost my favourite Ken doll as a child.”
He is deadly serious when he says this and continues to explain, “My mother found him a few days later in a compromising situation with my sisters Barbie doll and gave me a clip around the ear for being so disgusting. I never made him mount Barbie in the airing cupboard, my bloody brother Andrew did and I got all the blame. Not only was I devastated that he had gone missing but I also got grounded for it too!”
Everyone is silent until Liam and Nate can no longer hold in their sniggering and the room descends into chaos and loud laughter.
I laugh so much that my weak body hurts but the pain is nothing compared to seeing everyone here in fits of hysterics and H standing there oblivious, wondering what he said was so funny.
“It’s not bloody funny, scarred me for life that incident did, in fact J’s little adventure may have just caused me to have some kind of mental break in reliving such a traumatic childhood experience.” He winks at me while everyone doubles over again, both Liam and Nate slapping him on the back and teasing him about his beloved Ken Doll.
I wink back at H, in awe of his ability to just make any and every situation lighter.
It’s over an hour later and only when my nurse comes back in and ushers everyone out, I finally get to see Emma again.
True to her word she waited outside, hugging everyone goodbye when they left, before slipping back into the room to see me.
She seems to get more stunningly beautiful every time I see her, especially now her whole demeanour is lighter and less worried.
“Have you been having a party in here Mr Fox?” she teasingly questions as she approaches my bed. “I could hear the raucous laughter in the hallway; in fact I think the whole hospital heard it.”
“Do I look capable of partying at the moment? I think you’ll find Miss Campbell, that it was H and his love affair with a Ken Doll that set everyone off.” I smirk at her, waiting for her to require an explanation of the whole ‘Barbie mounting’ affair.
“It’s bad form to put blame on your best mate Mr Fox, especially when he is not here to defend himself. I do believe you are not as unwell as you are making out and just love all the sympathy and attention.” She slowly sits on the chair next to the bed, her eyes twinkle in delight, our easy conversation flows as if we never went missing at sea, causing her to be frantic with worry the last few days. It’s like we have never been apart, picking right back up from where we left off.
“If you promise to stay and sit with me, I’ll gladly take all the blame.” I manage to lift my weak arm and lay my hand on top of hers before letting out a large yawn.
Her smiling face slowly changes to a concerned one “I think you need some sleep Jake, I think that party you just had has worn you out; in fact I’m wondering if your partying days are now numbered.”
“No stay and talk to me, I promise to let you go if I get tired, just stay for a while, please? You can’t go saying no to an invalid now can you?”
I’d get down on my knees and beg her if I had to, well if I could. I’m not sure what happened to me after passing out in that cove a few days ago but I’m starting to wonder if I’m not as pussy whipped as H, I cannot bear to let her out of my sight.
She looks up at me shyly, turning her hand over to link her fingers with mine, “I’ll stay for a little while.”
She stares at our joined hands before a small sigh escapes her lips and she returns her gaze to mine.
“So I guess you’ll be heading back to the UK as soon as you are well enough?”
I hesitate before I reply, “Yeah, I guess I messed things up a bit by pulling that little disappearing act, I’ve got commitments I have to fulfil, so as soon as I get the all clear I need to go face the music.”
She looks away from me to the window, “There are already press camped outside this place, I guess they all want the inside scoop and I’m not sure how you cope with it all if I’m honest.”
Her eyes remained locked on the view outside and the words leave my mouth before I even have time to think, “Come with me?”
She swings her head sharply back to me, shock registering on her features, “W.. what?”
“I want you to come with me when I leave. I know it sounds crazy and a bit out of the blue but I’ve never had….. this before Emma. I’m not willing to just walk away from it.”
She says nothing for what seems like eternity, the need to beg her takes over my brain and I open my mouth to lay my soul at her feet when she finally replies.
“I… can’t Jake, I have a great job and I like it here, I can’t go letting Nate down to go gallivanting around the world with you, we hardly know each other.”
The words are softly spoken but she never breaks the connection of our eyes or our hands when she says them.
We are both silent for a few moments before the nurse barges into the room breaking into our thoughts and Emma takes her hand from mine and gets up to leave.
She places a soft kiss on my cheek and stares into my eyes whispering “I’ll come back tomorrow.”
Then she’s gone.
Gone from this room and possibly my life.
It hits me that the one thing I have wanted my entire life, a successful career, is now going to be the one thing keeping me from something I never dreamt I wanted.
How fucked up is that?
You get given one dream, to have another, more important one, snatched away.