How can you follow your heart if it’s even more confused than your head?
I followed my heart here to Ibiza.
I followed my heart on a date with Jake.
I followed my heart and it led me to both success and turmoil.
My head is telling me to let him leave.
My head is telling me to let him go back to his life and to never think of him again.
My head is what got me attacked.
My head is what accepted my mother’s apathy all these years.
Or was that my heart?
Damn my turbulent thoughts.
Liv told me to follow my heart.
We sat talking for hours yesterday, not just about the situation between me and Jake but about her and Nate. She desperately wishes she didn’t have to leave him to return home for university.
She told me that she wishes she could follow her heart but her head is ruling her at the moment and her head knows she needs to follow her dreams.
She pointed out that I haven’t set my dreams in stone like she has and that I am free to follow my heart.
Free to see where the winds of change take me this time.
I may be free enough to do so, but can I face the consequences?
I guess there’s only one way to find out.
Heart, head, head, heart?
Neither choice is easy but who said anything worth experiencing in life is easy?
It is early morning when I slip into Jake’s hospital room.
He looks so much better than he did two days ago. His face doesn’t look so gaunt, his skin doesn’t look so sore from sunburn and he looks relaxed and comfortable while asleep.
After avoiding visiting him yesterday, I finally gave myself a bloody good talking to and reminded myself that I’ve never hidden or run away from difficult things in my past and I wasn’t about to start doing so now.
I make my way across the room to sit in the chair by his bed, much like I did the day he was found. Only this time, despite all my attempts at being quiet, I manage to drop my handbag on the floor and then I kick the chair leg, causing it to squeal across the ceramic tiles.
I wince and quickly look up at Jake’s previously sleeping form.
Those bluest of blue eyes are hazy from sleep but completely fixed on me and the intensity in his gaze almost takes my breath away.
“Hi” I smile shyly.
“Hi” he replies in much the same way but with a sleep thickened voice.
We sit and silently look at each other for what feels like eternity. The air between us picking up on our connection and becoming more charged.
Like magnets, the pull towards him is hard to fight and I really don’t want to fight it anymore. How do you fight what feels like a force a nature?
If a hurricane comes, you cannot stop it, you can prepare for it but it will happen all the same.
If an earthquake were to rock the very foundations of the building we now sit in, we would be unable to stop the damage and destruction but we could brace ourselves.
If a tsunami washed away this entire island, it would be futile to try to swim against the water, you would have to take a chance and hope that the wave carries you to safety.
Jake is my hurricane, my earthquake, my tsunami, my undeniable force of nature.
I can either prepare myself to ride the current or get ready to sink and drown.
“Ask me again.”
The words leave my mouth with barely a whisper. Jake flicks his eyes from mine to my mouth, watching my lips form the words.
He does not hesitate.
“Come with me?”
I owe him the same quick response.
“Yes.”
Now he hesitates. His eyes roam my face, searching for the truth of that one word.
Then his face breaks into the most heart stopping smile, his extraordinarily blue eyes sparkling, wonderment taking over his features.
He has never been more beautiful than here in this very moment.
“Yes?” he questions me although he has found the verity of my reply.
My face mirrors his, my mouth stretches so wide it’s almost painful.
“Yes, take me with you.”
With more strength than I thought his weak body possesses, he sits up straight, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing before me.
He reaches down to take my hands in his, pulling me up his body until we are pressed together from thigh to chest.
A moment passes as his eyes explore my face and then in one swift movement his lips are on mine.
This kiss is not gentle; it’s filled with lust, yearning and need but also reverence.
His soft, full lips take mine and he wastes no time in taking advantage of the parting of my mouth when my breath hitches. His tongue traces the seam of my barely open lips, before he steals my next breath, devouring me with firm licks and a passionate meeting of tongues.
This kiss is deep, raw and spine-tingling. I can feel every pass of his tongue running through my body, all the way to the very tips of my toes.
I shiver and his strong arms engulf me, pulling me tighter to him, forcing my breasts to meet the firm contour of his chest.
One hand grips my hip while the other runs down my back to cup my butt and my hips automatically flick, increasing the pressure between our groins.
I can feel his hardness right there and it takes everything I have to stop myself from melting into a puddle of need at his feet. My body aches, the desire to grind myself against him is almost overwhelming.
I push lightly against his chest, breaking the contact of our mouths and we both gasp, our lungs erratically taking in air that our kiss starved us of.
I stare up at his face; his eyes are hooded and glazed with lust. I don’t think I have ever caused a man to want me the way he does right at this moment.
“God that was ….” I trail off getting lost in the carnal look of desire that has taken over his features.
“Intense.” He breathes out in an attempt to control himself and his warm breath skims over my lips causing an inferno to rage through my pulse.
I pounce, taking his face in my hands and attacking his mouth like a woman starved.
I am parched in a desert and he is my water.
I am bleeding out in this room and he is my lifeblood.
With every touch of our tongues and caress of skin on skin, I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper and deeper.
I can only pray he catches me before I hit the bottom because right now, the electricity between us feels like I am about to dive off the top of a very high cliff. It will either be the most exhilarating, adrenaline rush of my life or the stupidest mistake I will ever make.
The creak of the door opening finally forces us apart. I blush profusely and turn to stare out of the window, praying that whoever entered is not a member of his family.
“Good to see you out of bed Mr Fox.” A strong Spanish accent means it’s either a doctor or nurse and I take a deep breath to calm my frenzied nerves.
I hear, rather than see, Jake get back into bed.
“Call me Jake please Sandra, my father is Mr Fox and I got out of bed because I had more than enough enticement to do so.”
I can hear the smirk in his voice and I turn to him, the fire in my cheeks amplifying. He just shrugs and grins at me.
“Emma meet Sandra, my ball buster of a nurse. Sandra meet Emma, the woman that just molested your patient.”
“Jake!” I exclaim loudly, wanting to punch him in the arm and make him stop.
He laughs heartily, holding out his arm for me to walk to him.
“I’m sorry, your face was a picture and I couldn’t resist, want me to tell her I did the molesting?” he raises an eyebrow at me.
I can’t help but laugh despite my embarrassment and I reach out to take his hand in mine.
The tingle, that is ever present when we touch, spreads from our joined fingers all the way up my arm. His touch is addictive, be it as innocent as holding hands or something more.
Will I ever tire of this feeling? Will the effect of his touch always be this potent?
Sandra goes about her duties around us, checking his charts and IV drip. When she begins to take his vitals I offer to wait outside.
Jake grips my hand tighter, a gesture that doesn’t escape Sandra’s knowing eyes, “No you stay if that is what Mr Fox wants, I will be only a few moments.”
“Sandra.” Jake chastises, “Do I need to molest you too in order for you to stop with the Mr Fox?” he gives her a cheeky smile and what do you know, she blushes. I guess the effect he has on women is universal and not just limited to me.
Sandra hastily rushes through his checks and after warning him not to get up to anything too tiring, she leaves the room taking all of the air with her.
Being alone with Jake immediately charges the molecules surrounding us, making the atmosphere intoxicating.
One slight tug of his hand propels me towards him and in order to fight the need to kiss him I place my forehead to his, close my eyes and take in a deep, solidifying breath.
“We need to talk about my answer Jake, it comes with conditions.”
I raise my head slightly away from his and look down into his eyes, judging his reaction to my words.
“Conditions? I’m not letting you change your mind on me now; you said yes, all other conditions are negotiable.”
He gives me a sweet but lustful smile and I have to back away further in order to regain my composure or else I will end up agreeing to anything he has to say.
Taking a fortifying breath, I step away just enough to sit back in the chair but I do not let go of his hand.
“I will come with you, I want to come with you but I can’t let Nate down. He gave me not only my job but an amazing place to stay and I owe him time to replace me.”
“I’ll speak to Nate, he’ll be fine with everything and you are coming with me when I get the all clear to fly.” He’s still smiling, using his thumb to caress my knuckles.
He can be so bloody frustrating. I want to shout at him, how dare he dismiss what I have just said!
“Jake” my voice is calm but stern, “Listen to me, if you really do want me to come with you, I have to do it the right way. I refuse to just up and leave and let the people I care about down in the process. This is not negotiable.”
He is silent for a moment, possibly wondering if I’m serious enough to try and push it further. I know we don’t know each other well enough to determine each other’s moods but there is no way he can be confused about this.
“Emma, I’ll take you anyway I can get you. I’m a selfish man, I can admit that. I tend not to put other peoples thoughts and feelings before my own wants and needs but I am trying to change that. Just knowing you are coming with me makes me positive that I can change that.” His face is full of sincerity and he reaches across the bed to engulf my hand in both of his.
“I want to be a man worthy of you Emma. You make me want more; make me want to be better. I’m going to fuck up, I’m not making excuses for it but everything I feel about you is new to me. Help me, guide me and I promise I will spend every, single, day making sure you never have any regrets about taking this chance on me.”
How can you follow your heart if it’s even more confused than your head?
“Follow your heart.” My mother said when I spilled my guts to her about Emma last night.
“Follow your heart son, yours is bigger and capable of more love than you think. I know it will not steer you wrong.”
That’s the problem though, it was my heart that spoke when I asked Emma to come with me and look how that turned out.
She not only flat out refused but she has withdrawn from me, never coming to visit at all yesterday and her absence speaks far louder than any words.
My supposedly ‘bigger than I think’ heart has shrunk to the size of a pea in my chest.
It is now engulfed by all my other organs; my lungs have doubled in size hazing my brain with too much oxygen and my stomach is distended, filled with bile and the worry of never seeing her again.
Fuck. If I thought this girl had me messed up a few months back, it is nothing compared to way she has my whole body shutting down now.
I am a complete basket case.
This is why I used to laugh at H and Bella and the reason why I couldn’t understand my brother Josh and his need to settle down with Laura so quickly.
Women fuck up your head worse than a bottle of tequila.
They addle your brain leaving you confused as to which way is up.
They force your slow beating but content heart to race wildly, like you have just swallowed a bag of amphetamines.
They are your drug of choice, your battle with addiction and an overdose waiting to happen.
She is my overdose waiting to happen.
It is futile to stop it, if I am her junkie, then she is my needle and here is my vein.
This is why I fuck and leave.
This is why I use and discard.
This is why I put my needs and wants before all others.
I’m emotionally defective and my weak system cannot cope with the virus of these feelings.
I get barely any sleep, my brain churning over every single aspect of our last conversation. My body, even in its weakened state, recalls every single touch.
I must finally drift off as I awake to the harsh squeak of a chair being dragged across the floor and my eyes open to the vision of Emma, who is trying and failing to quietly sit by my bed without waking me.
“Hi.”
One word that wipes away every doubt, every concern and eases my tumultuous emotions.
A single syllable, spoken from her perfect lips grants me a peace I haven’t found for over twenty four hours.
“Hi”
I want to say more, I want to beg her to change her mind but right now I am rendered speechless. I can only sit here and visually feast on the perfection in front of me.
The silence between us is not uncomfortable but the longer is goes on, the more our invisible bonds begin to tighten, pulling me towards her.
The air is electric with our mutual connection. It is both intoxicating and invigorating.
A small breath leaves her mouth and my gaze is drawn to her lips, just in time to see them part slightly. Her words are carried on her light exhale and had I not been watching her mouth, I may have thought I misheard when she says “Ask me again.”
The words leave my mouth in a rush, I cannot believe she is having second thoughts and I am not going to give her the chance to regret her change of heart.
“Come with me?”
Her instant “Yes” halts my breath and this time I do question whether or not I may be imagining things.
“Yes?” I ask her with a shit eating grin on my face.
Her huge smile matches mine and my previously weak body gets hit with a surge of adrenaline, animating my muscles and allowing me to move quicker than I would have thought, up out of the bed to drag her into my arms.
She comes willing into my embrace and the feel of her soft curves pressed against me, ignites my blood, feeding the desire that never leaves me when in her presence.
I take her lips like a dying man would gasp his last breath. Wanting more, needing more.
My conscience is telling me to go slow while my libido is forcing me to obey my carnal desires.
I cup her firm arse, pulling her into my rock hard dick and the heat coming from her softest place, does nothing to dampen my fervour. That one touch, of our most private parts, is about to make me lose the last thread of my control. If I don’t stop this now I will take her hard and fast in this sterile hospital room and she deserves more than that.
She’s the one to break the connection of our mouths, looking up at me with kiss wet lips, sparkling lust filled eyes and a chest that is rising and falling frantically to try and catch her breath.
I see her intention before she even moves, her pupils dilate and in the space between one breath and another she dives on me. Her open mouth crashes to mine, her tongue seeks entrance and her hands roam my chest.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, she will be the death of me.
How someone can be so pure, innocent and inexperienced, yet be filled with a passion unlike any I’ve ever experienced before, confounds me.
A moment before I am about to lead her towards the bed and allow this to go further than it should, the door to the room opens and Emma is away from my arms and staring out of the window before I can blink.
The embarrassment of being caught in a compromising position with me is obvious from the blush on her checks and her rigid posture.
I can’t help but tease her a little when Sandra, my whip cracking Spanish nurse, makes herself known. Her reaction is classic and I find it cute that she is so mortified.
Cute? Since when have I ever described a woman I am dying to fuck as cute?
Since Emma I guess.
I mess about with her a little more, even flirting with Sandra for good measure and Emma relaxes, enjoying the banter and my attempts to make Sandra blush as much as she just did.
It is only when Sandra finally leaves the room after all her checks, that Emma pops the bubble surrounding us and announces that it will be a few weeks before she can join me.
She gives some silly reasons for this, the main one being not wanting to let Nate down.
I honestly couldn’t give a flying fuck if Nate is left in the lurch. Emma has agreed to come with me and he will have to deal with that.
I tell her this in the best way I can, knowing she will see it my way. Knowing she feels the same way as I do, so you can imagine my shock when the little firecracker goes from soft and gentle to almost busting a gasket in the blink of an eye.
I guess I need to learn that my girl is feisty.
My girl, I like that.
Silence hits the space between us and I realise that she is angry at the way I dismissed her concern for Nate and her life here.
Shit. She’s not even fully mine and I’m already cocking this up.
Make it right Jake, explain rather than being domineering. This girl isn’t going to just lie back and let you take her, you need to earn her. You need to be what she deserves you to be and not a selfish twat, who tramples all over everything, just to get his own way.
“Emma, I’ll take you anyway I can get you. I’m a selfish man, I can admit that. I tend to not put other peoples thoughts and feelings before my own wants and needs but I am trying to change that. Just knowing you are coming with me makes me positive I can change that.”
I strip myself bare for her, knowing that this girl is changing me in more ways than I thought possible.
She still looks a little doubtful and I really do need to put it all out there or that “Yes” she gave me could well turn into a “Fuck Off” and it will be nobodies fault but mine.
I clear my throat and finally try speaking from my heart and not my head.
Maybe my mother is right; my heart is filled with more love than I realise.
“I want to be a man worthy of you Emma. You make me want more; make me want to be better. I’m going to fuck up, I’m not making excuses for it but everything I feel about you is new to me. Help me, guide me and I promise I will spend every, single, day making sure you never have any regrets about taking this chance on me.”
I’ve laid myself at her feet.
I hope she feels the truth of my words. Although I don’t like the thought of not seeing her for a few weeks, if leaving her here to sort things out means she is free to come and be with me, I’ll take it.
I’ll take anything this girl will give me.
I am her junkie, she is my needle and here is my vein.