“Come with me?”
Fuck! Why the hell did I let those three words fall from my mouth?
It’s not that I do not desperately want her to come with me but the look on her face when the words escaped my lips was one of shock and confusion, swiftly followed by sadness.
This girl has got me so messed up I don’t know my own name sometimes.
How the fuck have I allowed her to burrow so deeply under my skin?
She has invaded my soul, infected my blood and forced my heart to pump nothing but her very essence around my body for days.
If you were to cut me right now I would bleed nothing but her.
“Jake did you just hear what I was saying about Redlight?”
I stop staring out of the window and look over to where Nate is standing at the foot of my bed.
“No sorry, I was miles away. What about Redlight?”
“Tina called, they have scheduled a press conference for tomorrow confirming your arrival back in the UK by the end of the week.”
I look back towards the view outside, the cloudless, perfectly blue sky, mocking the greyness that surrounds me like a fog.
“I asked her to come with me.” Why the hell am I telling Nate?
“Who?.... Emma? Jesus Jake, please tell me you did not ask Emma to go on the VB promotional tour with you. She has a life here, a job here and friends here. You barely know each other.”
He shakes his head at me, “I’m not sure what’s going on in your head little Bro but taking a girl you practically just met, who you’ve had one very disastrous date with, off around the world is a recipe for trouble for both of you.”
I want to be angry with him, to yell and ask him what the fuck his problem is but the trouble is he’s right.
“She said no.” my eyes return to the mocking blue sky and I watch as a single gull soars past.
Nate sighs loudly and draws my attention back to him, he has both hands gripping the back of his neck and he begins to pace the floor in front of my bed.
“It’s all or nothing with you Jake. I’m just worried that although you are feeling ‘all’ with Emma at the moment, what happens when that turns to ‘nothing’? What happens to that girl who has had to fight her way to where she is right now?” He runs a hand down his face, his frustration and concern clearly visible.
“I’m trying to look out for both of you here Bro, can’t you just take things slow? Fly her out to see you a few times or come visit her here when you get a break in your schedule?”
I finally look back at him, silently taking in the genuine worry on his face. Great, he thinks I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have.
“Is that what you would do if you were me? If you were me and this was Liv we were discussing, is that what you would do?”
He stops pacing and drops both hands to his sides.
“No, it’s not what I would do with Liv but that is a different situation and you know it.”
I digest his words for a few seconds. “You and I are not so different Nate, or has a few months with Liv wiped away the memories of all the other women you’ve shagged?”
I’m not trying to be harsh and throw his previous wild ways in his face but does he not think I am capable of having what he has? Is it such a ridiculous notion that she has ruined me for all others? Do I not deserve to see where these overwhelming feeling I have for her are heading?
“You’re right Jake, you and I are not so different but Liv and Emma are. Just think about what she’s been through Jake and what you are asking of her.”
He stares silently at me before walking towards the door, pausing with his hand on the door handle.
“You’ve had a scare Jake; do not let this rule your emotions. Do not confuse the guilt I know you feel for everything that has happened to Emma, cause her more pain.”
He quietly opens the door but I speak before he takes a step outside.
“If you want to accuse me of anything Nate, call me selfish. It’s not guilt making me never want to have her out of my sight, it’s not guilt tearing at my insides and crushing the air from my lungs. It’s selfishness.”
He nods once at me and leaves the room.
Selfish.
If you looked the word up the dictionary its definition would be: Jake Fox.
Right now I don’t care.
I want her.
I need her.
I will fight for her and be damned anyone who get’s in my way.
Not long after Nate leaves, all the rest of the family descend on me.
Liam spends a few hours visiting with Josh & Isaac. All three are heading back home tomorrow, their extended stay has caused them all sorts of headaches.
I feel bad that they all put their lives on hold for me and for once I do not hesitate to tell them how much I appreciate them.
They all look at me a little weird when I thank them.
I guess the old Jake, pre Emma, pre almost dying at sea, would never have thought twice about what others had going on in their lives.
Shit, I must have been a right prick over the years.
They say a near death experience can change a man but I don’t think that’s what changed me.
In fact I know what, or should I say who has changed me and has been changing me for the last few months.
Emma.
“Hey Liam, have you seen Emma today? She said she was gonna visit.”
He is in mid conversation with Isaac about some new art book his photographs are being used for. Liam, like Isaac, can be quite arty, only while Isaac prefers photography as his medium, Liam is a really talented watercolourist, who also dabbles with charcoals sketches.
“No she was in bed when I got back last night and I left really early this morning so I haven’t run into her yet today. Want me to drop her a quick text, she if she’s on her way?”
I answer him far too quickly, giving away my need to see her again. “No it’s okay, she said she would be here so I know she will, I expect she has loads to catch up on at the club with Nate.”
I can’t help but feel a little dejected.
I guess I wear that emotion clearly on my face as Liam stands to approach me, lowering his voice to be more discreet.
“So before everything went pear shaped on your date I’m guessing things went well?” He smiles slightly.
“She was in bits when you were missing Jake, please don’t go trampling all over her if you cannot live up to the feelings she blatantly has for you. She does not deserve to have her heart crushed.” He is looking at me questioningly, waiting for me to admit that I want nothing but a quick shag from Emma, no ties, no commitment, no feelings.
I don’t blame him; it is my usual M-O.
I sigh and run my hand down my face, frustrated that everyone still believes I have nothing to offer her.
Trouble is, why should they believe me?
Well its tough shit, believe me or not, no-one is going to stop me from pursuing this thing with Emma. The only person that has the power to dissuade me is her.
Even then, I will not allow her to brush me off lightly.
I know the connection we have is tangible.
I feel it.
She feels it.
“We’ve had this conversation before little brother, I am not explaining myself again.”
I cannot stop the annoyed, angry vibes from coming off me in waves.
“I’ve fucked a lot of women, I’ve used a lot of women and I’ve never promised a single one of them anything more than a few guaranteed orgasms. So in that respect, little bro, they’ve used me too.” I stare into his eyes to show I am totally serious about the next words to come from my mouth.
“I am done using and being used.” I huff out a disbelieving laugh, the look on his face doubtful of my feelings.
“Yeah I know, I find it hard to believe too but trust me when I say I will not, will never use her.”
He is silent for a few moments, digesting my words before he looks up to the ceiling and begins chuckling to himself while shaking his head.
“What the fuck is so funny?” I bite out.
He calms his laughter and looks me dead in the eyes “We thought we lost you out at sea all those days Bro, seems to me it’s you that lost something out there and I think I know just the girl who has found it.”
He begins laughing again before slapping me on the shoulder causing me to wince in pain, which he ignores.
“I can’t wait to tell H that you will be a hypocrite if you ever call him pussy whipped again.” Then he laughs in earnest.
“Fuck off little bro, what are you fifteen? Come back and share your woman troubles with me when you finally grow some pubes.” I begin to laugh but stop when a flicker of pain and something else I can’t put my finger on, passes over his face before he shakes it off and looks at me with a huge grin on his face.
“Can I tell Jules you lurve her? That you want to kiss her?” he mocks in a childish voice.
“Piss off kid, go home to play with your toys and come back when you’re an adult. While you’re there…” I trail off any hint of humour leaving my voice.
“While I’m there tell Jules you want to see her?” he smiles softly at me and then takes the piss by adding “Desperately?” and flutters his eyelashes like a damsel in distress.
I can’t help but laugh, I guess he’s playing up to the role of the kid I’ve just accused him of being.
I slowly sober and nod my head once softly “Just tell her…. Tell her I’m waiting for her.”
He doesn’t mess with me this time when he replies “I’ll tell her Jake.”
A few hours later, long after my brothers and parents have all left for the day, I am still lying in this damn hospital bed, still waiting for Emma.
She never shows.
“Come with me?”
Three simple words that have being playing on repeat in my brain for the last twenty four hours.
“Come with me?”
God how I wanted to say yes. I yearned to let those three, little letters slip past my lips, the urge so strong that I had to leave his room. I had to escape before I made a huge mistake.
How foolish am I to so desperately want a man I have only just met? Yes, we met many months ago but we have only spent a few hours in each others presence and here I am wishing I could take back my answer to his question and tell him yes.
I am utterly foolish.
Why would a serial seducer, the hottest up and coming actor on the planet, want me, Emma Campbell, a nobody from a small town, to go with him?
Yeah I don’t like the chances that this would bode well for either of us.
I mean, he’s had numerous, probably hundreds of women warm his bed and I am not stupid enough to think he wants ‘little old inexperienced Emma’ for more than one night.
One night, despite it not being my usual MO, I could have dealt with but what he asked of me is just crazy.
It’s time to get real with myself and I know just the person who can knock some sense into me.
Liv.
You free 4 a coffee?
I know Nate was heading back to the hospital before going to the club but I’m hoping Liv is free for a catch up. He’s been really lucky that Rhian, one of his UK club managers, was already over here for the opening night and has taken care of all his businesses while he led the search for Jake.
My phone dings with her speedy reply.
Nate at hosp so I can come get u in 15 mins?
This is why she is and will always be my best friend, whenever I need her, she never lets me down.
OK I’ll wait outside for you
I quickly grab my bag, throw in my keys, phone and purse and make my way to the front door. I swing it open to find Liam just about to put his key in the lock on the other side.
“Hey Jules, you going to visit Jake?”
I step back to allow him to enter and turn to face him, gripping the strap of my shoulder bag across my chest.
“Uh, no… just popping out for a coffee and a catch up with Liv.”
He eyes me speculatively “So do you want to come visit with me later? I’ve come back to crash for a few hours as Mum and Dad are visiting him at the moment but I’ll be heading in early this evening if you want to share a taxi?”
I drop my eyes to the floor, hesitating over my response. I really do want to see him again but after the way I left there yesterday I’m not sure it’s a good idea.
I look back up at him to find he’s still waiting for my response, a crease has formed between his eyes and it’s not a good look for Liam, he’s always so laid back.
“Yeah, okay, if you haven’t left by the time I get back I’ll join you for a quick visit but don’t wait around for me, I can always visit tomorrow.”
He stares silently at me for a few seconds. “You have anything you want to tell me Jules?” he tilts his head to the side slightly, awaiting my reply.
“Don’t read into things Liam, I’m just thinking it might be a good idea for a bit of space between me and Jake, I mean he’s leaving as soon as he’s recovered. Things don’t need to get any more complicated between us. Can you drop it please?” I search his face, hoping he will not push me on this.
He steps towards me slowly before placing his hand on my shoulder and squeezing gently. “Listen Jules, this is none of my business but you have to know that I’ve just spent the best part of two and a half hours with Jake and all he spoke about was you.”
His lips tip up into a small smile, “He’s crazy about you Jules, I’ve never seen him this way before and I have to warn you, when Jake wants something, he does not give in until he gets it. He’s a stubborn bastard and right now all his focus is on you. So if you don’t feel this thing that’s going on between the both of you, you need to tell him sooner, not later.”
I take in a deep, shaky breath before letting the words out with my exhale, “It’s not about not feeling Liam, it’s about realising that what you are feeling has an expiry date.”
I lean up to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek, “I’ll talk to him I promise, just not today.” He nods once and strides into the apartment without saying another word.
I cannot allow myself to feel guilty about this; I will talk to Jake and make sure he understands that some things in life must come to a natural end.
What we shared was so sweet I crave it, I want to get high on the sugar rush but it is the comedown I fear; the bottomless low that sucks you under when the endorphin rush leaves your system.
I am not willing to hit the bottom again, just for one, fleeting taste of that high. No matter how much I ache for it.
I turn away from Liam’s retreating form and quietly shut the door behind me.
God I hope Liv has some advice for me. I want her to tell me that it’s fine to walk away, that it’s alright to stop this thing between Jake and I, before it gains any further momentum.
My mind is full of doubts.
Doubts about Jake and what I mean to him.
Doubts about my ability to walk away and even my reasoning behind wanting to walk away.
Doubts about losing everything good that I currently have in my life.
Doubts about losing Jake just because I have of all these stupid doubts.
I’m not sure I can live my life with ‘What Ifs’.
What if I let him go without me, will I ever see him again?
What if I leave all this behind and everything goes awry?
What if I leave and get my heart broken, will I be strong enough to piece it back together?
I think ‘What Ifs’ are worse than regrets, at least regretting something means you gave it a shot. It means you took a chance, gambled against life for your happiness and allowed the chips to fall where they may.
“Come with me?”
I make my way outside into the blistering Ibiza heat and mentally shake the maelstrom of thoughts from my head.
Slipping on my sunglasses I idly gaze at my surroundings, watching people go about their every day lives, with no idea that I stand among them, about to burst from the build up of emotions in my head.
“Dramatic much Emma?” I mutter to myself, just as Liv pulls up right in front of me in her shiny island rental car.
Blasting from the speakers is James Bay’s Hold Back the River, the lyrics resonating inside me, making me wonder why life always seems to get in the way.
I smile at her as I get into the front seat but it obviously looks as strained as it feels.
“You sure you only want coffee? The look on your face is more Tequila than coffee.” She says lightly, obviously unsure as to why, after days of worry, I still look like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I force out a laugh that is equally as false as my smile, “Just coffee, my head doesn’t need the added presence of Tequila at the moment, I can’t think straight as it is.”
She was about to pull out into traffic but my words stop her and she turns to face me.
“Whatever it is Em, we can deal with it.” Taking one look at the tears behind my eyes, she squeezes my leg and resumes manoeuvring into the light Ibiza traffic.
“He’s asked me to go with him.” I blurt out without thought, causing Liv to take her eyes off the road a second too long and she has to swerve to avoid a cyclist.
“Bloody hell Em, can we wait ‘til we get to the café before you land something like that on my lap, I nearly killed that poor bloke and I’m not the best at driving on the wrong side of the road as it is.”
We sit in silence the rest of the short drive, I know she is mulling over the bombshell I just dropped on her.
She finally pulls into a parking spot in a busy side street and kills the engine.
“I know.” She is fully facing me when she drops a bombshell of her own.
“You what? What do you know?” I turn quickly towards her, staring at her unbelievingly, waiting for her to elaborate.
She sighs and turns to face the windscreen, fiddling with hair, twisting it around and around her finger absentmindedly.
“Liv, tell me, what do you know?” my voice rises slightly. How could she know when he only asked me yesterday?
She stops playing with her hair and turns to face me once more, “I’m not supposed to know, Jake confided in Nate and …”
I finish her sentence for her “Nate couldn’t wait to tell you.”
“No no no, it wasn’t like that Em, he worries about you, about both of you. He just wanted a different view on it all. I mean, he loves Jake, he is his brother after all but this comes as a bit of a shock to him. Jake doesn’t form attachments to women, so for him to ask you this, well it threw Nate for a loop.”
She takes my hand in hers, her eyes scanning my face and taking in my overwhelmed expression.
“Nate says you told him No, that you wouldn’t leave with him. Is that what you wanted to talk about today? Have you changed your mind?”
I break eye contact with her, taking my hand away to run through my hair.
“It’s crazy Liv, I barely know him, I can’t just up and leave with him, besides Nate is right. Jake is more of a ‘one night stand’ kind of guy, not a ‘come travel the world with me’ type.”
I absentmindedly rub my palms up and down my legs.
“What if it’s guilt? What if the attack and then the events of the last few days made him ask me out of some ridiculous sense of guilt?”
She stills my hand on my leg before answering me softly “What if it’s not?”