Waking up in his arms has to be the best, feeling, ever.
My head lies on his smooth, firm chest, my thigh is slung over his legs and my arm is wrapped around his waist.
I know he’s already awake for two reasons; one, he is softly drawing figure eights on my lower back and two, his erection grazes against the underside of my arm with every breath he takes.
“Good morning beautiful.” He squeezes me tightly and places a soft kiss on my forehead before pulling me up his body to place another gentle kiss on my lips.
‘”Hey handsome, did you have fun last night?” I smile the words but his face turns from a picture of sleepy happiness, to melancholy in a heartbeat.
“What’s wrong Jake, what happened?” I attempt to raise myself up so I can look at him properly but he just tightens his arms and pulls me even closer than before.
“I don’t want to talk about last night right now; I just want to hold you, make love to you and then we can talk.”
I look deep into his eyes, worried about the events of last night and what he’s not yet ready to share with me; I want him to take comfort in me and allow me to absorb his burdens, so I say with my body, what I can’t say with words.
I love you, I’m here for you, let me unburden you; let me allay your worries.
Let my body cleanse you of the woes of yours; let my arms soothe the aching wounds you carry, let my love be a balm to your soul.
We get lost in each other, lost to the rhythm of our bodies and the frantic beating of our hearts; until our skin is slick with sweat, our breaths are ragged and panting and our muscles are sore with exertion. I pour all of myself into our love making, until my body is spent and I lie cocooned in his embrace.
“Talk to me Jake. Whatever happened we can deal with it. Together.”
He’s silent for a long time but I know the moment he is about to speak because he hugs me a little tighter.
“H has cancer.”
His voice catches at the end of the word cancer and my heart hurts, not only for H but for Jake too.
“What kind?” I whisper the words, almost afraid of his answer.
“Testicular. He’s having both removed the day after he flies back home.”
“Can you go with him?” If I know Jake there is no way he’ll let H go through this alone.
“He doesn’t want me to but I’ve already emailed Nina to sort out the travel arrangements for us all. I hope you’re not too disappointed about leaving but we can come back as soon as H is settled.”
“I’m the last person you need to worry about Jake but what about all your commitments?”
His voice is laced with sheer rage when he replies, “Fuck them, they can wait.”
I push myself up onto his chest, wanting to look at his face, wanting to touch him. “Jake I hope it will be as simple as that but maybe it won’t. You’ve already missed some obligations from being held up in Ibiza, please don’t do anything rash.”
He huffs out a harsh breath and turns his head to the side, away from my concerned eyes. “You sound like H. He told me he didn’t want me to go either.”
“That’s not what I said Jake and not what H probably meant either. Millions of pounds have been spent on this tour; they are not going to let their biggest star walk away when it’s only just started.”
He forcefully removes himself from the bed, all but pushing me off him and begins pacing the floor.
With every pass of the bed he gets more and more tense, his frustration is palpable.
I’m not sure what to do for him, what to be for him. Our relationship is so new that we’ve not learnt the little details and traits of each other yet. The fine points that allow you to know exactly what your other half needs before they even do. Instead I act on instinct and when he turns to do another rotation of the floor, I stand in his way, forcing him to stop; I wrap my arms around him, while placing my head on his chest. Offering comfort in the way I would want it given to me, freely and without conditions.
“I don’t know what to do or how to help him Emmy. I feel like a spare fucking part and I hate it.”
The anguish in his words cuts me deeply.
“Being there for someone doesn’t always mean being in physical contact with them. You can still be there for H no matter where in the world you are. H knows that, that’s why he told you not to leave.”
“I have to try.” He leans his chin on the top of my head and tightens his hold around me.
“Then try because right now it feels like you’re about to give up everything you’ve worked hard for and H wouldn’t want that.”
He sighs and I feel it all finally sink in, “I know.”
We stand in the middle of the bedroom floor, each holding onto the other, not willing to walk away from the comfort of our embrace.
The shrill ring of Jake’s phone finally forces us to break apart but not before he cups my face with both his hands, searches my eyes for something only he can see and places a feather light kiss on my lips.
“I have to take this, it might be important.”
I nod once at him and allow him to walk away. I can see the tension he carries when he turns his back to me, his shoulders stiff and his back rigid.
From the other room I can hear when he finally answers the phone by the barked out “Tina”, he gives in greeting.
I leave him to his strained conversation and jump into the shower, wanting to be ready quickly so that we can join the others for breakfast.
Standing under the hot spray I wonder why bad things happen to good people.
H is a good person. He’s too young to have to fight this fight.
I watch the hot water swirl and pool around my feet before being sucked down the drain and I pray that he fights this and wins. I hope his youthfulness, both in body and spirit, are a point for his side. He just needs to see that he’s not in this alone and Jake needs to be the one to show him.
When I emerge from the bathroom Jake is standing at the floor to ceiling windows that open up to an outdoor terrace. A terrace that we have yet to use due to the hoards of VB fans still camped outside. He is motionless, his arm propped up on the window frame, his forehead touching the cool glass.
Even my presence hasn’t caused him to stir.
With barely any sound I walk up behind him and slowly wrap my arms around his waist, splaying my fingers across his bare chest and placing my head between his shoulder blades. He relaxes into my embrace without changing his stance.
“They won’t let me go.”
These are the words I expected to hear but I hurt for him nonetheless.
I lift my head slowly and place a comforting kiss to the centre of his spine, causing him to shiver.
“My Grandma had cancer, she passed away when I was eleven but she never gave up despite her age and despite how it ravaged her body. She loved, lived and fought until the end. H will beat this Jake and he’s going to need you to do it.” I speak the words against his skin, hoping that he hears and absorbs them.
He smacks his fist against the glass in frustration, “How the fuck am I supposed to be there for him when I won’t even know what country I’m gonna be in from one day to the next?”
I hold him tighter and find the words my Grandma spoke to me not long before she passed away.
We had a special bond and she was like a mother to me; my own mother having severed our maternal connection, even though we still lived in the same house.
“My Grandma told me that cancer cannot shatter hope or kill friendships, it cannot corrode your faith or destroy peace and it is unable to silence courage or conquer your spirit. Most of all it cannot steal your love or your strength. So give all those things to H. Arm him with everything that you can, so that he fights this battle and wins. These are things that you can give him no matter where you are in the world.”
He stills, holding his breath, ingesting my words.
The next moment I am in his arms, my back flat against the cool glass and Jake’s lips attacking mine in a brutal, claiming kiss.
When he finally pulls away, the look in his bluest of blue eyes sears into my heart.
“I’m never letting you go Emmy, you know that right? You make the bad times bearable, the tough times easier and the good times absolute bliss. You are my bliss and I want you with me now and always.”
He kisses me reverently, pouring the truth of those words into my soul.
“Say it for me Emmy, tell me what I need to hear.”
I know what he wants, what he needs and so I give him the two words freely and with absolute certainty, “I’m yours.”
Breakfast is a subdued affair.
H barely utters a word.
Jake doesn’t eat just pushes his food around his plate and not once removes his hand from my thigh. There is nothing sexual in his touch; I know he is just drawing strength from me and being able to give him this one small thing, allows me to gather my thoughts in preparation for attacking this situation head on, as soon as I get a chance.
Liv and Nate look anxious and confused but it is not my place to let them know what’s going on. That choice is for H and him alone.
“Fancy some last minute shopping with me Em?” Liv’s voice breaks the silence surrounding us all.
I place my hand over Jake’s, still resting on my thigh, “Yes I’d love to get out for a little while, plus I’m running low on a few items that I need to pick up.”
Jake’s eyes are firmly fixed on H when he responds, “Give me your list and I’ll pass it on to Nina, she’ll pick up whatever you need.”
I squeeze his hand gently, “I’d like to go, give you guys a chance to talk.” My voice is low but still loud enough for H to hear.
“Great,” Liv hesitantly interrupts, “I’ll just go and grab my bag from the room, then meet you back here in say fifteen minutes?”
I nod and give her a small smile. She kisses Nate gently on the side of his head and slowly leaves the private dining room.
“You need me to pick you up anything?” I ask the guys in general.
H just shakes his head and goes back to staring into space, Nate replies with a “I’m good thanks” and Jake appears not to have heard my question.
In a slightly louder voice, one that I attempt to inject some calm into because I seriously want to knock their heads together, I address them all again.
“Listen guys, you all need to talk, you only have a few hours left together and things need to be discussed. I don’t claim to know where any of your heads are at right now but what I do know is that you are all here for each other. Don’t bottle shit up because it’s tough to talk about. Trust me, that’s one thing that I do know about first hand and it only makes things worse.”
I stand, rousing Jake from his inner thoughts and walk around the table towards H. He looks surprised when I bend down to wrap my arms around him in a tight hug.
“You’ve got this H. You know why I know you’ve got this? Because what you are going through right now is not funny. Cancer is not funny. But you know what? Laughter is the best medicine and you are the one person I know that has that in spades.” I lean back slightly to look at his face and he smiles his first genuine smile for days.
“Let him be there for you. Let him be whatever it is that you need. Take from him H, he wants to give you everything that he is, don’t stop him from doing that. You both need it; it’s what will pull you through this and make you stronger than you were before.”
Then I kiss him gently on the lips before placing my palm on his cheek. “You’ve got this, it takes balls to fight testicular cancer and from what I’ve heard, yours are massive.”
He laughs at my joke and for that brief second I know that everything is going to be okay.
“I can see why he loves you.” His smile is small but happy, “You really are something else Jules.” I don’t have time to react to his words as in the next second I am lifted up into a tight H bear hug, my feet dangling a few inches from the floor.
I giggle and struggle out of his arms, dropping to the floor with a thud.
“Now that we have that sorted out, I’m off to make sure Liv doesn’t spend hundreds of pounds on tacky souvenirs. Talk, okay?”
He nods once at me, following it up with a small salute and I turn back towards Jake who is staring over at me like he has just realised that I am his entire universe.
The look on his face is one of awe and love and in this moment I know that he is it for me. I will never want another man.
He holds his hand out to me, standing as I approach him, to wrap me up in his embrace.
“I fucking love you.” he whispers into my neck. “Sometimes I think there is nothing you could do to make me love you more and then.….. “ He places a soft kiss directly behind my ear, right on my pulse point, causing that ever present electricity between us to race down my spine and settle in my toes. “…then you do something that exposes every part of you to me, every inch of your heart, every piece of your soul and I feel like I am filled to bursting, like my heart may bust right out of my chest. I am in awe of you and I am never, never letting you go.”
A loud, exaggerated cough breaks the moment. “Jesus Jules, break a man’s heart why dontcha? Not two minutes ago you were in my arms, kissing my lips. I never pegged you for a floozy.”
“H … “ Jake growls, “…call my girl a floozy again and you won’t need to go and get treatment, I’ll remove them for you.”
I turn my head to look at H. He’s standing there with a smug smile plastered all over his face, and when he notices me looking at him he winks before picking up a piece of cold bacon from Jake’s plate and popping it into his mouth.
I shake my head and roll my eyes. I am both happy to have H back and overjoyed that our guys are finally going to have a much needed talk.
Turning back to Jake, I kiss him chastely, “You’ve got this.” I breathe onto his lips, “I’ll see you in a few hours okay?”
He kisses me back and then allows me to walk away, never tearing his gaze from me as I head towards the elevator. I flick a small wave over my shoulder as I disappear around the corner, relieved that I’ve opened the doors of communication between them all and hopeful that H will let Jake stand by his side, no matter how far away he is. They both need it.
The weight of that uncomfortable breakfast lifts from my shoulders with every step I take and allows my heart to tell me that everything is going to work out fine.
Minutes later I’ve grabbed my bag, piled my hair haphazardly on top of my head in a messy bun and made my way to the foyer to meet Liv.
I need to milk every minute out of the next few hours. It could be weeks before I get the chance to spend time with my bestie again.
Her huge smile as I walk out of the elevator to meet her says she is also determined to do the very same thing.
Waking up in her arms has to be the best, feeling, ever.
Holding her while she sleeps, watching the way her eyelids flutter with the dreams that she escapes to in slumber, fills me full of peace and contentment.
This is the connection I’ve missed all my life.
I’ve wasted years fucking and discarding; burying myself in women whose names I now cannot remember.
This, right here, is how I want to wake up every day for the rest of my life.
A small sigh leaves her lips before she pushes herself closer to me. My dick reacts instantly to the way her thigh presses tantalisingly close to my balls.
I want to wake her, want to drown in her and forget every painful part of last night but I don’t. I don’t want to disturb my sleeping beauty and have reality crashing down on us.
I absentmindedly draw patterns on her soft, smooth skin, watching the tiny goosebumps that appear with my touch.
Her eyes open slowly, she greets me with a blissful smile and I physically ache with the need to be inside her.
Almost like she senses my need and with few words passed between us, she uses her entire body to make mine sing by making slow, sweet love to me.
Her lips, her hands, her mouth and finally the sacred warmth between her thighs, all used to cleanse me of my hurt, my worries and even my sins.
She doesn’t fuck me, she worships me.
She uses not just her body but her soul to make love to me; flaying open my ribs and exposing my pathetically weak heart to her touch; filling it, nourishing it, until it beats only for her.
This woman owns me.
So I owe it to her to tell her everything that happened last night even though it’s not my story to tell.
“H has cancer.”
The words feel like acid on my tongue, stripping away at the soft flesh of my mouth.
Instead of shrinking away at my words, she offers her comfort freely. Even when I push her away because she dares to tell me that H is right, she still comes to me, offering herself up as a crutch to support the weight of my pain.
I can’t leave him; I need to see him through the fight of his life. The fight for his life.
My life though, it has other plans; plans that do not involve physically being there for H.
It is only when Emmy tells me how cancer touched her own life, when it took away her beloved Grandmother, that I leave the room with hope.
Words like, faith, friendship, courage and strength are ringing in my ears.
Words spoken by a woman that I will never have the chance to meet but one I know is partly responsible for moulding my woman, my Emmy, into the amazing person she is now.
I use these words to gain the strength to go to breakfast, ready to tell H that I will be there for him every step of the way, even though I cannot leave with him.
All of that goes out of the window the second we walk into our private dining room.
H sits at one end of the table, with Liv and Nate at the other. The silence is so thick and fraught with tension that you could cut it with a knife.
It envelopes everything and everyone in a cloud of unease so dense, I find it hard to breathe.
I don’t have the words or even the guts to find them, so breakfast passes in this state of disquiet.
The girls both attempt small talk but it isn’t until Liv leaves and Emma forces us all to face the big fat elephant in the room that the veil of disquietude lifts.
The cloud of unease disperses and I see right before me, how precious my girl is.
The way she embraces H, not afraid to poke at him while chasing off the devil he carries on his back with her light, is just awe-inspiring.
She is my guiding light and in this moment she shines it on us all. If I could take her and make her mine right this second, I would. Instead I sit in awe of this girl who has dealt with more in her short life than most; who refuses to let her past define her and who freely gives herself to others without expecting anything in return.
She astounds me.
She captivates me.
She has woven her luminous spell over my previous dark and selfish heart; creating light where there once were shadows.
Even when she leaves us to spend the morning shopping with Liv, her vibrancy remains, allowing us all to talk openly for the first time, about a subject most men would never want to address.
“Well H, you heard the lady, it takes balls to fight cancer, are your nuts big enough for the job?”
“You have cancer?” Nate pales; looking over at H is disbelief.
H nods once then smiles over the table at me, “I guess we will soon find out my friend but if they’re not, I’m guessing I can ask for an upgrade to supersized when they fit me for implants.”
Nate still looks shell-shocked but H’s reply causes me to burst into spontaneous laughter, “Only you would think of asking for bigger balls.”
He shrugs before replying “Why miss an opportunity to get a sack the size of Santa’s? The chicks are gonna go crazy for my new and improved nadgers, just you wait and see.”
We spend another half hour or so picking at our now cold meals, while discussing everything that H shares with us.
After surgery he needs a single dose of chemotherapy followed by a short course of radiotherapy. He will then have more tests to determine if the treatment was successful.
He seems more himself when we leave the dining room to go and take a swim in the hotel pool. This becomes more obvious by the rate his banter increases; he even dares to take the piss out of Nate’s loud and frankly awful swim trunks purchased for him by Liv. Something even most of my own brothers would never dare to do.
The worry I have for my friend is still there; as is the guilt of being unable to go through this ordeal with him. He assures me time and time again that he understands and I promise to get back to visit him any chance I have.
The rest of the morning passes in a blur of belly flops, cannon balls, swan dives and a pool full of annoyed hotel residents, wondering why three grown men are acting like a bunch of teenagers in such an exclusive setting.
My thoughts, why the fuck not? You have only one life, take that stick out of your arse and live it.
We are just ordering lunch in the hotel bar when Liv and Emma arrive back.
Something isn’t right, even though they both put on a show of nonchalance, something happened on the shopping trip this morning.
My Emmy is transparent and wears her emotions openly for all to see and I can see my girl is unhappy about something.
“Are we talking about this here or would you like to finish lunch and talk back in our room?”
She pops a piece of fruit in her mouth and without meeting my eyes responds, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, let’s just enjoy this last meal with our friends. Did you and H sort everything out?” Her smile is tight and doesn’t reach her eyes.
“I think we need to talk about this now. I’m not bothered if we do this here in front of everyone or back in our room but I won’t have something upsetting you when I can probably do something about it.”
She hisses under her breathe, “Not now Jake” and I can’t help but respond a little louder than I intended “Yes, the fuck now Emmy, don’t make me drag it out of you.”
Her control snaps and she slams down her napkin, pushing back her chair forcefully and storming off towards the elevators, leaving everyone stunned, except for a very sheepish Liv.
“What the fuck is going on Liv?” I glare at her over the table.
“Go talk to her Jake, it’s not as bad as it seems, well that’s what I’ve tried to tell her but I guess she needs to hear it from you.”
I promptly leave our friends and catch up with her waiting for the elevator; her arms wrapped are around herself like some kind of barrier.
“Talk to me Emmy, I …. I really don’t understand what the fuck is going on?”
She turns towards me, all the anger has left her and a solitary tear is making a track down one side of her of her face.
“I’m in all the papers Jake. They know who I am, they know everything about me and when I say everything I mean everything.”
I don’t need to ask her to explain, I know she means that night.
I know she means what that fucker did to her is now splashed all over the world as entertainment for others.
In this moment I hate myself, I’ve brought this upon her and I will find away to take it away.
“I love you Emmy.”
I don’t know what else to say.
She looks at me just as the elevator doors open, a fleeting glance of hurt; of the darkness she has previously fought and won.
“I know you do Jake, I know.”
She steps into the mirrored interior and leans into the corner, her arms are firmly wrapped around herself for protection but from what? Me?
I enter behind her and hesitate to move towards her, even though I want more than anything to wrap her up, comfort her with my touch and promise to make all this go away.
Her small voice startles me, the clarity piercing through my thoughts.
“It’s not just the attack Jake. Yes, it hurts to see that splashed all over the tabloids, it’s James that hurts more; they know all about James.”
Without thinking, the possessive idiot inside of me rears his ugly head, “Who the fuck is James?”