New Kingston Mayor: Jobs to ‘CUM BACK!’ to town

From the desk of Editor-at-Large, Michael Anders.

As Mayor of New York City, I have an unique insight. As the owner of my paper, here are my thoughts…

In a move that is now emblematic of the new Mayor, Liam Jeffries held a press conference today where he criticized the owners of the Pik-A-Part Factory that will be closing its doors in less than a month.

The factory will be moving its operations to Shanghai, China, and removing approximately 2,500 jobs from the local economy.

“It’s motherfuckers like this that are destroying this country,” the Mayor said in a live televised address that was delayed by five seconds to clear up some of the Mayor’s saltier words. “They think they’re really screwing this town because we wouldn't lower their local taxes so they’re taking their fucking jobs. But I have a surprise for those assholes.”

It is standard practice now for local television studios to film the Mayor and apply a language filter that will drown out certain words that many have complained about. However, this newspaper believes in printing the exact words as they were spoken, and undertakes no such censorship.

In a further move that truly surprised all local pundits, the Mayor then went on to announce a partnership with Boltiador Global Industries that would bring a total of 10,000 jobs to the local New Kingston economy as well as jump start many areas of growth that had remained stagnant in the last decade.

Mayor Liam Jeffries is the youngest mayor to hold an office in the history of the nation. He campaigned on a policy of helping and taking care of the blue collar workers that he says “built this country.”

A product of Harvard University, he nevertheless casts a contemptuous eye to his Ivy League brethren, calling them, “castrated pansies who don't have a pair of balls between them.” Instead, the mayor has championed the causes of the working class, campaigning and governing on a platform of being a regular, everyday man.

The Mayor’s antics are not without critics who complain that he cheapens and sullies the sanctity of his office and who call on him to strike a more mayoral and dignified approach to conducting affairs.

“Having 10,000 jobs come to the town is great, but if it means it's because the whole world is laughing at us because they know about how he treated that poor woman in Paris, then maybe that wasn’t the best way to go about bringing them over,” said AJ Reynolds, who had unsuccessfully ran against Mayor Jeffries in the last election.

Mr. Reynolds refers to allegations of sexual impropriety at the World Mayor’s Conference in Paris, France. The impropriety allegedly occurred in the dealings between Mayor Jeffries and Naomi Boltiador, heir to the Boltiador family fortune. Both parties have denied any sort of wrongdoing, while the Mayor took time to address questions regarding the allegations during his press conference.

When asked whether the allegations were true, he shrugged. “It sounds like the only people who have a problem with it are the ones who are jealous that I got to bang some hot as fuck pussy, while they sat there sucking on their Vienna sausages,” he replied.

However, despite the unorthodox manner in which Mayor Jeffries has conducted himself, his approval ratings have climbed steadily throughout his first term in office and the addition of 10,000 jobs makes many observers believe that they will only climb despite the attempts of his many enemies. Indeed, from the way his plan was presented, it invariably begs the question as to how the town will react to this bad boy mayor as more jobs from the Boltiador deal begin pouring in.

But before there is any real celebration, observers warn that the jobs may never come in the first place. That’s because of recently passed environmental laws that are seen by many to be the signature legislation of Governor Carter Andrews, the Democratic governor.

The New York State Clean Air and Water Act would raise standards on emissions as well as increasingly regulate and place pollution controls. These would be sufficient to not allow the Boltiador factories from being built in the first place. When asked to comment on this possibility, Liam Jeffries was nonchalant as he commented, “If the Governor wants to sit there and tell me that 10,000 jobs can’t come to my town because of some law to protect some owls or shit, I’ll bring them anyways and just tell him to go fuck himself.”

It remains to be seen what the Governor’s response will be.