Chapter 34
Alyse
“Libs, you need to eat something.”
“Oh my God, I can’t,” Livia mumbles, pacing back and forth in the small conference room that’s doubling as a bridal suite. Her wedding dress swishes hypnotically with every step she takes. She lucked out and was able to find an absolutely stunning embellished ivory lace dress with lace cap sleeves, highlighting just the right amount of cleavage. It’s flowy and elegant, with a high waist, accentuated by a thick silver ribbon that hangs long down the back. The design is flattering, while at the same time it hides her growing belly. She’s the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen.
“You haven’t eaten anything all day. You’re going to pass out when you say your vows. Here, at least eat a protein bar. Get something in your stomach.” I unwrap a Kind bar and hand it to her.
She looks at it with disgust. I wave it impatiently, forcing her to take it. She takes a bite and chews methodically while she walks.
It’s twenty minutes until showtime. Along with making me her maid of honor, she asked me to walk her down the aisle, which brought me to tears. Everyone else, including Barb, departed about five minutes ago, leaving just the two of us some precious time together before she becomes someone’s wife.
“It’s not too late, you know. You can pull a runaway bride and I’ll cover for you.” I wink, knowing that’s not at all the issue. Livia’s crazy in love with Gray, but she hates public speaking. Even though there are only about fifty guests, I’m sure the only memory she’s replaying right now is the one from her eleventh grade speech class where she completely froze, forgetting her entire speech on whether students should be required to take mandatory drug tests. She locked her knees and passed out cold, hitting her head on the hard tile floor and needing seven stitches.
“Livia.” Forcing her to sit down, I take a seat in front of her. “Don’t think about anyone else. Just focus on Gray and how much you love him and your happy beginning. Let him be your strength.” I smile, reusing Barb’s words.
“Happy beginning. Yeah, I like that.” She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Okay.”
“This is what you want, right?”
“With everything in me,” she answers immediately. Her eyes water and I squeeze her hands tight, unable to remain unaffected.
“Stop that. You’re going to ruin your makeup,” I scold, secretly trying to hold myself together so I can help hold Livia together.
“I know,” she says, dabbing an escaped tear.
“You are so beautiful, Libs. I’m so happy for you. I know I may not always show it, but I do love you. Very much.”
“I love you too, Alyse.” Pausing, she adds, “Everything I’ve ever done is for you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. No sacrifice is too great.”
I nod, feeling like the lines she’s asking me to read between are blurry and confusing. I’m not sure they’ll ever come into focus.
“Our lives have been hard,” I say.
“Very.”
A wave of need to tear down all the walls I’ve built between us hits me hard. I know not all of this has been my doing; Livia’s kept her fair share of secrets, but so have I. I need to rectify that. I’ve been doing nothing but thinking about Barb’s words for the past two days. Forgiveness is freeing. I want to be free. And regardless of whether Livia will ever tell me what happened, I want my sister back. But now is not the time.
“I want to tell you so many things.”
She nods, as if she completely understands. “Is everything okay with you?”
I swallow hard. Honesty is so much harder than lying, letting people believe you’re fine. “Not really, but I’m working through it.”
“Is it Asher?”
“No. My past has risen from the dead,” I tell her, not exaggerating in the least.
“Is it a guy?”
I nod, unable to voice the guilty words.
“Does Asher know?”
I let my eyes fall to the floor. “No,” I whisper.
“Alyse, look at me.” I do. “Take it from me. As much as you think keeping your past hidden will protect your relationship with Asher, it won’t. I almost lost Gray for good because I tried to keep mine a secret. Trust me, altruism often feels like betrayal to the other person. Learn from my mistakes. Talk to him before it’s too late.”
I nod, knowing she’s right.
“Do you love Asher?”
“Yes,” I respond immediately. “More than I ever thought possible.”
“Do you love this other guy?”
My eyes sting and my stomach churns. I’ve been slayed with guilt for an entire week. “Yes,” I whisper. “He was my first love.” And so much more.
She squeezes my hands hard. “You need to figure it out Lysee. Asher’s crazy about you.”
“I know. I know,” I repeat. I can’t picture my life without him.
Before we can say anything else, Addy pops her head in. “It’s time,” she whispers excitedly.
With one last look at each other, Livia and I stand and hug.
“Wait, I have one more thing to do before we go,” I tell her before rummaging through my bag. When I pull out the Magic 8 Ball, Livia busts out laughing, which was exactly my plan.
“You still have that thing?” she asks.
“Duh. I’ll take this to my grave. I think we need to see what she has to say before you walk down that aisle, don’t you?”
“It’s tradition,” she quips.
“Yes, it is.” I shake the ball, asking Livia, “Ready to marry the love of your life?”
We’re both grinning from ear to ear when we turn the globe over and peer through the milky blue waters as her answer comes into focus.
Without a doubt.
“Well, now it’s eight-ball official. Let’s go get you hitched, sis.” I tell her, hooking my arm in hers as we walk toward the door.
“I love you, Lysee.”
“I love you too, Libs.”
______________
Ten minutes later, as I stand to Livia’s left holding her bouquet and mine, Asher stands to Gray’s right, holding onto the wedding rings. Our eyes never leave each other as Livia and Gray profess their undying love in front of all their family and friends.
“Livvy, angel, you are my light, my hope, my dreams, my future. I’m a whole man only because you’re with me. I’m strong only because my strength comes from you. Who knew when I walked into that pizza joint nearly nine years ago and heard your laugh that my life was about to come into focus for the first time. When I saw your face…” Gray pauses to compose himself and tears shine brightly in his eyes as he holds tight to Livia’s hands, his words choked when he starts again.
“When I saw your face, I knew I was looking at my once in a lifetime. My greatest love. My only love. My everything…”
Gray takes his time, pouring his heart out to his new wife, who’s so emotional by the time it’s her turn, she can barely speak. The ceremony is intimate, tender, and poignant as they talk about love almost lost and never letting each other go again. By the end, Gray and Livia are both freely crying and there can’t be a dry eye in the house. Even through my blurry ones, I see the glimmer in Asher’s as he watches me with unmistakable love.
I can’t help imagining it’s me that’s standing in Livia’s place and Asher in Gray’s. I imagine it’s us telling the whole word that we’ve met the one person we can’t imagine walking a day without.
I imagine my future.
It dawns on me as I stare into the watery blues of the beautiful, loving man across from me, that I’ve never had my whole heart to give any man. I’ve always left a piece of it in the past and guarded the rest. When I was with Beck, a part was left with Asher. And now that I’m with Asher, a small part still remains with Beck.
I need my whole heart back, because I’m finally ready to hand it over in the palm of my hand and let somebody else carry it.
On the exact day I thought my life ended eight years ago, I realize that it’s only just begun, but I need to put my past where it belongs, once and for all.
Firmly, permanently in the rearview mirror.
Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to confront it head-on.