Chapter 5
Alyse
Even though I have no intention of inviting Asher in, I run around my tiny house making sure it’s tidy.
Looking at the clock, I see it’s still only twenty to seven, so I pull a Coors Light from the fridge to calm my nerves while I wait. I don’t know where we are going to dinner, so I’ve decided to go with a navy-and-cream-striped sweater dress, paired with tights and dark brown knee-high boots. It’s dressy enough for a nice restaurant, but casual enough to get by at a bar if that’s where we’re headed. I could see Ash fitting in easily in either place. He may be somewhat cocky and arrogant, but he’s not pretentious in the least. I think that’s one of the things that draws me to him.
His dominance excites me.
His passion ignites me.
His magnetism simply captivates me.
Pacing the small floor of the kitchen, I mentally tick off the reasons why this dinner slash date is a very bad idea. Because despite what Asher tried to lead me into believing, this is absolutely a date. One that I agreed to without much arm-twisting, hussy that I am.
One: He’s a playboy. He can’t commit. I’ve heard stories about him for years from Livia.
Two: He’ll be like family soon. God, I will see him all the time.
Three: You’re going to be employed by this man. For months!
Four: I can’t think of a fourth, but I’m sure it’s there. Oh yes…the most important one. He’ll break your heart, Alyse, because of reason number one.
I tip the brown bottle to my mouth. It’s empty and I still have ten minutes left. I head to the fridge to grab another, trying to think of the reasons why this may not be such a bad idea.
One: Your whole body lights up like the Fourth of July around him.
Two: You’ve been half in love with him for eight years.
Three: You feel alive for the first time since Beck.
Four: It’s time. It’s time to let yourself be vulnerable again. And why not with him?
Shit.
I’m a very big list person. Always have been as long as I can remember. I make lists for everything. Groceries, to-dos, books I own, books I want, short- and long-term goals I want to accomplish. You name it, I have a list for it. And before I make any big decision, I make a very comprehensive pros and cons list, even before dating a man. I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time.
So before I started my business, of course I made a list. The cons far outweighed the pros, but I went for my dreams anyway, because if you don’t go for your dreams you’re just left with regret. And I’ve lived with enough regret to fill up my small house two times over. But even if my business fails, at least I can say I gave it my all. My blood, sweat, and tears will be soaked into the matted, dirty carpet before I close the doors. I think that’s why I stayed with Finn so long. When I go for something, I’m all in and I don’t like to admit failure. Who does?
As I think about my pros and cons list for Asher Colloway, I know there are so many more things I can add to the cons column if I give it some thought. That little number three on the pros list is what has me hesitating, though. You feel alive for the first time since Beck. Asher sets my very blood on fire and no one, not even Beck, has done that.
When Asher had me cornered in the kitchen of his mom’s house, I’d forgotten what it was to genuinely be turned on by a man from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I realize now that I’ve only been going through the motions all these years in my pathetic attempt to move forward, not look back.
His eyes and words challenge me. A man hasn’t challenged me in, well, ever. Even Beck didn’t challenge me. Until that December night so many years ago when he did a one-eighty, he was warm, compassionate, and loving. But never challenging.
How odd. I didn’t know what I was missing until I had a taste of it.
I absently shake my Magic 8 Ball, the one I’ve had since I was four years old, silently asking the same question over and over. Magic 8 is ever the optimist.
Me: Is this a smart idea?
Magic 8: Signs point to yes…You may rely on it…It is certain.
Hand to God, if it gave me even one negative answer, I’d be calling Asher to cancel.
It may look to the outside world that I’ve moved past the darkest time in my life, but I know the truth. I haven’t. Not really. I’m stuck in quicksand, fighting daily to not let myself be sucked completely into its dark, grainy nothingness.
Until I set eyes again on Asher Colloway, that is, and I felt my heart really beat.
God, I’m so scared to make the wrong decision. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Asher Colloway could hurt me. Badly. Probably even ruin me permanently for any other man.
But…
It’s the ‘but’ that has me wavering. Actually contemplating. It’s the ‘but’ that had me agreeing to this faux business meeting, against the stronger need for self-preservation.
But…he could be your salvation.
The doorbell rings and I quickly finish the last of my beer, dropping the empties into the recycling bin. I take a deep breath and head to the door, wondering to myself what lies on the other side.
My salvation…or my destruction.