WHEN KAYLEE WOKE UP, Bennett wasn’t in bed. Her eyes popped open, and she realized the sun was already up. Of course Bennett wasn’t in bed. He got up hours before this every day. Hell, so did she.
Thank God she didn’t have any appointments on the schedule, but she should have been at the clinic an hour ago. Hopefully, there were no emergencies.
She scrambled out of bed and looked around for her purse, grabbing at her phone frantically. She had a missed call from her assistant, who was obviously wondering why she wasn’t at the clinic.
Kaylee hopped around the room, collecting her clothing while she returned the phone call to Laura. “Have I missed any patients?”
“No.
“I just slept in. If anybody comes, tell them I’m on my way. I just need to talk to Bennett.”
“Talk to... Oh.”
She could tell by that very meaningful tone that Laura had just realized where Kaylee had probably spent the night.
“Is everything okay?”
“Fine. Fine. It’s not...not a big deal,” Kaylee said. “It’s not that interesting. I’ll fill in the details when I get there.”
Except it was that interesting. And she would only be giving bare-bones details, because embarrassing.
She finished getting dressed and stumbled out of the house, stopping when she saw Bennett and Dallas leaning up against the fence rail. They looked so much alike. It was the most surreal thing. They were so clearly father and son. So clearly family.
Lucy was out in the field, walking tenderly, slowly.
Kaylee smiled, because she had been so afraid of Dallas having to go through a loss when he was just starting to bond with the people and animals here.
Eventually, that was something he was going to have to contend with. But not so soon. He deserved a break from that. Some safety.
She started to take a step toward them, and then stopped.
Like a barrier had prevented her from moving forward. They were family. She wasn’t a part of that family. She had loved the Dodge family more than her own because they had given her more than her parents ever had, but that didn’t make them family. She was important, but not the same. Not part of it. Not really.
Just like with her parents. They’d had a child in the hopes of fixing some of the things that felt wrong in their life. They’d had her, and she had never really been part of them. Not really.
She wasn’t part of this either. Bennett and Dallas becoming a family.
And the fact that it was hurting like this made her feel...stupid. Small. She should be happy for Bennett. Focusing on what a wonderful thing it was he was having this moment with his son. And instead, she was worrying about feeling on the outs. Instead, she was feeling insecure and scared.
Jealous of a kid, really, because he had the kind of belonging that she had never had.
The connection she had found with Bennett was just never...
It never felt like enough.
She still wasn’t enough.
Last night, the way he’d looked at her...the things he’d said. She believed all they had was real now, but she couldn’t believe it would last. Not for her.
She needed to take her whiny-ass thinking elsewhere. She turned away from the scene in front of her and walked to her truck, grateful that she had driven herself yesterday. Because she needed to get to work. And she really didn’t want to interrupt the moment Bennett was having with Dallas. She could shoot him a text later and let him know everything was fine.
She drove over to the clinic, and by the time she arrived Beatrix was there. Sitting in the waiting room under Laura’s watchful eye, with a similar box to the one she’d had a few weeks ago when she’d shown up with her bedraggled raccoon orphan.
“What is it now?” Kaylee asked as she approached.
“I just wanted to bring Evan in for a follow-up.”
“You named the raccoon Evan?”
“Yes. I wanted to make sure that there weren’t any more vaccinations he needs. Lindy keeps saying he’s a hazard. But he isn’t. And I can pay for them.”
“You don’t have to pay for them, Beatrix,” Kaylee said. “Come on back.”
She led Beatrix back to the exam room, giving Laura a cursory wave. Her assistant shot her an evil glare. As if Beatrix’s appearance was contrived by Kaylee to keep from having to give details.
It wasn’t, but it was welcome.
The raccoon had grown quite a bit. And it was fat. Fat and obviously exceedingly well cared for by Beatrix.
“I hear Lindy is a bit underwhelmed by the raccoon,” Kaylee said as she tried to wrangle the little thing into a good position to give it a shot in the scruff of its neck.
“She doesn’t mind him. She just acts like she does. Because you know, the winery is fancy. And a raccoon is not fancy, so she says. I’m not really bothered by it either way.”
“And she is.”
Beatrix shrugged. “Well, I think Lindy feels like she has to try. You know, to make up for her upbringing or something? I already know that if growing up with money automatically made you sophisticated I would have turned out a lot differently. My parents have never known what to do with me.”
“Yeah, well, join the club,” Kaylee said.
“It’s easier having Lindy in charge of the winery. I enjoy working there much better now.”
“Are you working there right now?”
“Yes,” Beatrix confirmed. “Though, she doesn’t really have me do a lot of interaction with customers. Because I’m feral. She says. Though...with affection. I think.”
“Bea,” Kaylee said, “why don’t you work somewhere like...here? Why don’t you go to veterinary school? Or work at a shelter.”
Beatrix frowned. “I don’t know. I guess because I wanted to be free to pick the animals up when I find them and have the time to care for them. Anyway, the winery is ours. And we all have a stake in it. I mean, except for our brother. And my parents. Because of the divorce. But none of us could side with him.”
“Yeah. I kind of heard about some of that.”
“Lindy is more of a sister to me than Damien ever was a brother. And Dane, you know, Lindy’s brother...”
“He’s like a brother to you too?”
Beatrix’s face went red up to the roots of her hair. “Not quite.”
Well, that was interesting. Though, poor Beatrix. Kaylee couldn’t think of a worse type of man for a sweetheart like her to have a crush on.
Bull riders on their own were a pretty bad bet, at least that was what Kaylee had gathered from knowing Wyatt as long as she had. He was a womanizer, and every guy she had ever known him to hang out with was the same.
She had met Dane Parker before, though she didn’t know him well. He was far too good-looking for anyone’s peace of mind, and most definitely not the right kind of guy for Beatrix.
Of course, there was probably nothing really to worry about there. Beatrix was cute. But...she was cute. And men like Wyatt Dodge and Dane Parker didn’t pay much attention to cute.
“I’d like to hire you, Beatrix. I could really use someone here in the office who’s this good with all the animals.”
Beatrix shrugged, her curls bouncing slightly with the motion. “I’m fine. I live in a cabin on the winery property. I have... I have money. And I can pay you for the vaccines,” she reiterated.
“The care and keeping of Evan is on me,” Kaylee said. “Like you said, it’s my sacred oath and all of that. But think about the job, okay? I think it’s something you’d be good at, and you could enjoy. You could do some certifications to be a veterinary assistant. You would be really great at it.”
Bea looked thoughtful and surprised almost. As if it hadn’t occurred to her that she might be good at something. That made Kaylee’s heart hurt, because oh, how she understood that kind of insecurity.
“I have your number,” Bea said. “I’ll...I’ll call you about this.”
“Please do.”
She and Beatrix walked out of the exam room, and Kaylee stopped cold when she saw Bennett standing there. All tight black T-shirt, muscles and cowboy hat. All sexy in ways she could hardly deal with.
“You didn’t say goodbye.”
“I’m with a patient,” she said, waving her hand toward Beatrix and the cardboard box.
“You’re with a raccoon.”
“The raccoon is a patient.”
“Let’s talk,” he said, grabbing hold of her arm and drawing her toward the break room.
“I need to say goodbye to Beatrix,” she said.
He let go of her. And stood there, waiting.
Katie looked beyond him to Laura, who was sitting at the desk looking far too intrigued.
“Bye, Beatrix,” Kaylee said. “Call me about the offer.”
“Bye, Kaylee,” Beatrix said, clearly oblivious to any tension.
She walked back to the break room and Bennett followed her, closing the door behind her. “Why did you leave?”
“It was late. The clinic was supposed to be open, and there was no vet.”
“I know. We both overslept. But you could have come and said goodbye to me first.”
“You were with Dallas. I didn’t want to interrupt the moment.”
Bennett smiled. “I think... I think I’m finally making progress with him.” Then he laughed, a sort of rueful sound. “Well, I’m making progress with myself. Which is helping.”
“Great. Good to know.” She didn’t know why she was being so prickly. It was obnoxious of her, really. Bennett didn’t know that she was contending with maudlin thoughts about how she didn’t fit, and she hadn’t been able to come and say goodbye to him because there was no place for her to do it.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t want to interrupt, and I was feeling nervous about not being at work. I just... I’m sorry.”
Even after the magic that was last night, she really had no idea what was going on with her and Bennett, and she had no idea why spending the night with him and waking up this morning like she had made her feel strangely distant. She should feel closer to him. But she didn’t. She just felt like an extra piece. Sitting out on her own. She didn’t know what to do about that. Not at all.
“This isn’t... This isn’t where I wanted to do this,” he said, looking around the yellow cinder block room. She followed his gaze, dread clutching at her throat, at her heart. He felt it too. This weird sensation that she didn’t fit. And he wanted things to go back to the way they were. Because now he didn’t need her. Now everything with Dallas was going okay, why would he need his sexual Kaylee healing?
She didn’t want to do it here either. This was their break room. She ate sandwiches in here. It was neutral territory. She was going to have to try to eat lunch in here forever after, and he was going to hurt her.
“Don’t,” she said. “Please. Not right now. I have a whole day of work to get through, and I feel like we can talk about it later.”
“Do you have a patient?”
“No,” she said.
“Neither do I. And later, I’m going to have Dallas. And I want to have a chance to talk with you now. Kaylee...”
“It’s fine,” she said. “I know. I mean, I looked across the field and I saw you and Dallas there, and I knew. I knew then. You don’t really need me hanging around anymore. The two of you are... You’re family. And it’s such a wonderful thing, Bennett. I’m so happy for you. For him. But I get that you want things to go back to normal.”
He was looking at her like she had grown another head.
“That’s not what I was going to say.”
“It isn’t?”
“No. I don’t want things to go back to normal. Normal... I wasn’t happy. Not really. I was going through motions and making steps, and it’s just not what I want now.”
“What... Then what do you want?”
“My life is never going to be the way that it was,” he said. “I had plans. Lots of plans, and all of them have completely dissolved in the past few months. And I don’t want it to go back to the way it was. I like this. I’m a father now. I love my son. I’m happy with this life, even though it’s hard. And I like how things have changed between us,” he said, his voice getting deeper.
Her heart was pounding in her ears, and for some reason there was a metallic flavor on her tongue.
“I want... Kaylee,” he said, grabbing hold of her hands, putting them between both of his. “I want you to marry me.”
She felt like she’d been hit in the chest. Or maybe just been hit by a truck. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t... She couldn’t breathe at all. It was like her throat had constricted completely.
Bennett... Her Bennett was looking at her with earnest, dark eyes and he was asking her to marry him.
“Bennett...”
“I want you to be my wife,” he said. “The life we can have... I want to wake up with you every morning. I want you to go to bed in my room at night. It would be perfect. Don’t you think so? It all fits.”
With those last three words the bright, glaring moment of possibility that she had experienced, just a moment of it, was extinguished. His plans had been messed up.
He saw a new plan here. A new way to make his life look like he wanted it to. All he was missing was a wife. He had his son. She could be the missing piece.
But she had been that. That add-on piece for all of her life. And she knew what that felt like. She knew what it did to you. And she knew that once she couldn’t be everything that he saw that role fulfilling, he wouldn’t want her anymore. It was exactly like her parents. She had seen him this morning with Dallas, and they were family. They had that extra something holding them together, that something that she had never had with anyone.
She loved him. And he was never going to love her in the same way. Because she needed him in a way that he would never need her. Not really.
She was a good friend to him. She’d spent seventeen years in that role. Giving to him. Caring for him. Loving him on his terms, because she’d never ever stated her own.
But this would be different. And once he had her, all of her...would that last?
She couldn’t believe it would.
It made her want to curl in on herself. Or lash out.
“No,” she said, taking a step back. “No. I’m not going to be your...your new Olivia. I can’t just be your wife because the first one didn’t work out.”
Bennett frowned, looking at her with anger in his eyes that surpassed anything she had ever seen there before. “That’s what you think this is? That’s what you think I’m doing to you? I would never ask you to be my wife just because I wanted a wife. You’re nothing like the woman I planned on making my wife.”
She let out a completely incredulous laugh. “Thanks, Bennett.”
“I’m serious. I didn’t want someone who was involved in my life, I didn’t want someone who made me feel all of this. Someone I could go to work and forget about during the day. Someone who would smile at me nicely when I came home and hand me my dinner, that’s what I wanted.”
“Well, I would never do that.”
“No,” he said. “You wouldn’t. You would have said that you worked all day too, and you expected me to get my own damn dinner. And I like that about you. But I wouldn’t have chosen you to be my wife. Because I can’t forget you, I can’t put you in a box, Kaylee. You don’t fit with what I thought I wanted. Because you’re too big for that. Too real. Too messy. That’s why I could never see you as beautiful. All that time. Because I knew if I did... I knew if I did, everything that I had worked so hard for was going to be ruined. All my control. All of my planning. All that self-protection that was so damned important to me, that I know I can’t have now. I don’t even want it. I want you. I love you.”
Everything in her recoiled, drew back in abject horror and fear. He was standing there saying the right things. Saying them to her. But there was no way... There was no way. It wouldn’t last. For her it never did.
Hope made fools of people. It had made a fool of her. And this was why she didn’t do it. Why she’d never told Bennett she had feelings for him. Why she made sure there was no way anything could happen, which meant there was no room to hope and no room to be crushed.
And he was trying to change that.
She couldn’t...she couldn’t.
“No,” she said. “You don’t suddenly love me.”
“You’re damn right I don’t suddenly love you. I have loved you. For years. I had this...this moment of clarity when I was naked with you last night.”
“Yeah, a lot of men have moments of clarity when women are naked, Bennett, that doesn’t make it real.”
“No. Listen. You have to listen,” he said. “I’m trying to tell you something. I’ve always loved you, but I put limits on that, because if I didn’t I knew that it could...take over my life, and I didn’t want anything to take over my life. But you know what, then this kid came into the picture and took over everything. Everything that I thought I was. Everything I thought I knew about myself. It was destroyed. When he showed up it was all ruined. And I couldn’t play games with myself anymore and pretend that I can control everything around me, not when there’s fifteen years’ worth of evidence that I can’t. He showed me that I had to give something of myself to get anything. And you... I want you. I want everything we can really have, not this careful friendship that we built up over the years because neither of us wanted something that was too big or messy or complicated.”
Her ears were buzzing, her entire face numb.
She had dreamed this. Of him wanting her. Of him making promises to her. But suddenly, she realized it had been easier to watch him prepare to marry another woman than it was to stand here and hear this. This was hard. This was borderline impossible. This was wanting on a level that she just... That she was afraid of.
That hope. That need inside of her. Dammit all. She didn’t want it. It was one thing to be his strength, his anchor.
She’d never wanted him to be hers. But he was. He was.
And the hope of more, of everything, was so very terrifying. It was so much easier to simply believe something could never happen. He was asking for... He was asking for this to last longer than a moment. Asking for this to be real, to be forever.
And she just...couldn’t.
She was standing there facing down a dream. Who would have thought that it could be more terrifying than staring down a nightmare?
She couldn’t say yes. She couldn’t. Because it was going to happen, it was bound to. Maybe not now, maybe not even in a year, but he would discover that she wasn’t...
That she wasn’t enough.
That she didn’t fit.
Her own parents felt that way. And if Bennett had really felt this way about her he wouldn’t have been so close to marrying Olivia.
She wouldn’t have been a last resort like this.
No, Bennett was lying to himself. Because he was a planner, and he saw the perfect end to his plan. And he didn’t mean to lie to her, she knew that. Because Bennett was a good man. But that was the problem. He was a good man who believed firmly in his plans.
But plans weren’t enough. And neither was being a puzzle piece.
Because what she knew was that she didn’t fit. Not really. He would try. And she believed that Bennett would try with everything.
He wanted a wife. He was choosing a wounded bird.
She didn’t want to be a wounded bird to him.
“No,” she said again. “I’m not going to marry you.”
“No?”
“Yes!” she shouted. “No, I will not marry you, Bennett. I know it’s hard for you to believe that anyone would dare go up against you and your plans. But I am. I’m not going to marry you. I’m not going to help make your life easier. I did everything for you,” she all but screamed. “I became a veterinarian for you. I admitted what a pathetic idiot I am. I can’t... I can’t keep being this pathetic.”
“Is being in love pathetic?”
“I’m not in love with you. I’m like a stupid puppy that started following you around seventeen years ago and never found anyone else to follow around. That’s it.”
“That’s it?” Bennett’s face was still, frozen like a mask. White with rage.
“Yes. I’m a mess, Bennett. But at least I know I’m a mess. I know enough not to saddle you with me for the rest of your life.”
“Did I say that I felt like I was going to be saddled with you?”
“No,” she said. “But maybe I don’t want to be saddled with you either. With your guilt, and your duty. With this good guy stuff.”
“You’re the one calling it that,” he said.
“Because I’m honest. I’m realistic. About who you are and who I am.”
“Who are you, Kaylee?” he asked. “Because I think I know the answer to that question, but you’re standing there saying all these things, and it makes me wonder if you have any idea who the hell you are.”
“I’m a Band-Aid that has never healed anything. Ask my parents. I’m the sidekick. The helper.”
“Have I ever made you into that? Have I?”
“You don’t need me,” she said. “You have your dad. You have your brothers and Jamie. You have Dallas. You don’t need me.” She was just saying things now. Anything. Anything to push him away. To get some distance.
“Don’t say that,” he said.
“I’ll say it because it needs to be said. Because I’m not going to live in a fantasy world where I pretend that I’m somehow important when I’m really just a supporting character.”
“That’s the fantasy,” he bit out. “This. This thing that you’ve built up in your head. I do need you, Kaylee. Not because there’s a lack of anything in my life except you. You’re right. I have plenty of people. Plenty of people surrounding me, plenty of people who love me, and I still want you. What does that tell you? About how important you are? You. Not a woman. Not a friend. Not a wife. You. You’re right. I have friends. I have family. There’s not a single thing in this world, a single empty role that I couldn’t fill without you. But no one and nothing else is you. And you’re what I need. That’s what I’ve come to figure out, Kaylee. That love is the most important thing. And that love is never going to play by the rules. That’s why all this time I made it nothing. That’s why all this time I didn’t let myself tell anyone I love them. But I’m done with it. And I’m done waiting until it’s safe. I love you. Even if you can’t let me do it right now. Even if you can’t love me.”
Even if she couldn’t love him? She loved him with everything that she was, and that was the damned problem. All she wanted to do was brush aside her fears and run into his arms, but she couldn’t do it. She didn’t know how. She didn’t know how to be anything but this. She didn’t know how to do anything but hide.
All of her life she had let herself have just the safest part of caring for Bennett. Because she didn’t deserve the rest of him. She just didn’t.
He deserved... He deserved a woman who wasn’t quite so broken. He didn’t need a fixer-upper. And that was what she was.
“No,” she said. “No, Bennett. Not us. Not like that. You can find somebody else. You can—”
Bennett cut her off. “I can’t. I need you. I won’t find someone else. This isn’t about me just having a wife. I don’t want one or need one in that sense. I need you.”
“For what? Why me?”
He took a step back, looking stricken. He didn’t speak for a long while. “Because I love you.”
“What does it mean? Why me and not someone else?”
He didn’t say anything. “That’s what I thought,” she said.
“Kaylee,” he said, reaching out and wrapping his arms around her. She wanted to let him hold her. She wanted to sink into him. Into his warmth. But she couldn’t let herself. Already these past weeks had been like a dream, they had been everything that she had never thought she could have. And it... She couldn’t put herself through more. She couldn’t risk the eventual fallout of it.
“I have to go,” she said.
“Kaylee,” he said, tightening his hold on her.
“I’m going to go,” she said, making her voice louder. “I don’t think you’re going to stop me.”
She started to head out the door as soon as he released his hold on her, but it was his voice that stopped her this time. Harder, shot through with iron. “I never took you for a coward, Kaylee Capshaw.”
She turned around to face him. “I’m not a coward.”
“You’re scared. You’re running scared. Don’t think I don’t know it. All this time I thought you were the strongest woman I knew. I thought you were one of the strongest people I knew. But you’re afraid. Just like everyone else.”
“Big talk from a man who was no different only a few weeks ago. So here’s what I think, Bennett. Either you’ve undergone a pretty miraculous transformation in a short amount of time or you’re just doing what you do. Coming up with a plan. I don’t think you’re braver than I am, Bennett Dodge. I just think you’ve come up with more creative ways to mask your fear.”
“You’re an expert on that, huh?”
“You know what? Maybe not. But you know what I am an expert on? You. And it hasn’t escaped my notice that you want all of this from me the minute you want it. Because whatever you say, you think I’m your sidekick. Even if you can’t admit that.”
Then she turned and walked away from him completely, heading out the door of the veterinary clinic. She didn’t stop to say anything to Laura. She got into her truck and headed to her house, her fingers numb, her lips numb. And only when she was inside her own house did she let herself cry.