KAYLEE WAS DEEPLY entrenched in her misery by the time her doorbell rang that night. She was completely shocked that somebody would come see her. She had been too much of a troll to Bennett earlier for him to come. Except...he kind of hoped he had. That he had come after her.
Pitiful. She didn’t know what she wanted. She wanted...
Well, she wanted to be somebody else.
Somebody who wasn’t such a coward. That was the bottom line. Bennett was right about her. She was running scared. Because she just didn’t know how to make that decision to trust. To let go of all these things that had hurt her so badly and embrace what she wanted most.
She had spent her whole life on the edge of those dreams. Grabbing hold of them was just... It was too hard.
She scraped herself off the couch and padded across the hardwood floor to the front door. She was wearing her pajamas, but oh well. She looked out the little window at the top of the door, shocked to see Dallas standing there, looking edgy.
She jerked the door open. “Dallas? What are you doing here?”
“I drove my dad’s truck. And if he finds out he might ground me for the rest of my life.”
She was torn between surprise that he was here, the desire to scold him and a strange warmth when he referred to Bennett as his dad. “You know how to drive?”
“Yeah. I mean, it’s not legal for me to do it, but I do know how.”
“Why are you here?”
“I’m here to talk to you.” Dallas walked past her into her house without waiting for her to invite him in. “Why did you tell him no?”
“Oh. He told you about that?”
“It was obvious since he was looking depressed all over the place today. You love him. I don’t understand.”
“Yeah,” Kaylee shot back. “You love him too. But I bet you haven’t told him that you do. And you act like a prickly cat with one foot halfway out the door all the time.”
“Yeah,” Dallas said. “So?”
“So, why do you expect me to be any different?” This was ridiculous. She could hear herself being ridiculous and she couldn’t stop it.
“First of all,” Dallas said. “I’m fifteen. I have a right to my immature bullshit. You’re old. You don’t.”
Kaylee sniffed and gripped the front of her bathrobe. “I am not old.”
“You’re older than me. So that’s just number one. Second of all...I’m staying. I am. I’m going to take this. Because I want it. And I don’t see why in hell you shouldn’t take it.”
“He doesn’t really want me. I’m just...here.”
“Well, the same could be said for me. I’m the son he got. He didn’t choose me. There’s no reason—genetic or legal—that he’s stuck with you.”
“Convenience.”
“I don’t think he’s upset over inconvenience right now,” Dallas said. “He’s really sad.”
“Well. It’s just that I don’t... I don’t... I don’t deserve it,” she finished, her voice flat.
“What? And I deserve it? I deserve to have the sainted Bennett Dodge rearrange his whole life for me? I have a criminal record. I got myself thrown out of more foster homes than I can count. He still seems perfectly happy to have me around. If deserving it is part of the equation then I’m screwed.”
“It’s different,” she said. “You’re his son.”
“Yeah, I’m my mother’s son too. But it didn’t seem to matter much for most of my life.”
“It’s just different for you, Dallas. It’s different with a parent. A good parent. This is...romance stuff. And there’s a reason it’s never worked out in my life. Trust me.”
He continued on as if she hadn’t spoken. “You were the only person here that really understood me, Kaylee. And you were the easiest person for me to start to care about. But you gave me a hell of a lot of advice that you don’t seem to want to take yourself. Just let him love you. Just love him back. Life is hard enough without making it harder, right?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “And I... I’m not fifteen. That’s the problem. I’ve spent my whole life loving him and...knowing that I couldn’t have him.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell him?”
“Because I didn’t want him to not love me. I didn’t want to give all that and then have it be...”
“You didn’t want the door closed forever. I get it.” Dallas swallowed hard. “I’ve always known that Bennett Dodge was my dad. In Gold Valley, Oregon. My mom told me that when I was...maybe seven or eight. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want him to send me away. My mom let the state take me from her. Over and over again. Why would he want me? I could have been with him all this time. But not until it was the end of the line did I give them his name. Because I couldn’t face being rejected by him too. But he didn’t reject me. He took me in. He treated me like a son without question from the beginning. I just had to ask. I had to admit that I needed it. Wanted it.”
Her heart went out to the child he’d been, so like herself. Still... “I don’t know if I can,” she said. “Because this hurts. Do you know I had to watch him almost get engaged to another woman? That hurt. But I couldn’t survive it if he decided that he wanted me, if he married me...and then he realized what my parents knew all this time. That I’m not worth it.”
“You can’t get a guarantee. That much I know. Beyond that...” He swallowed hard, his brown gaze meeting hers. “Kaylee, if I was going to have a mom, I would want her to be you. And so maybe coming here is selfish on my part. Because this life here that I have is better because of you. So I think it seems pretty insane for you to stand there and tell me how you’re not good enough, or there is something wrong with you when you’ve been a big part of what was right for me.”
That killed her. Just destroyed her. She felt diminished, every wall inside of her crushed. And she wanted... She wanted to reach out and hug him. She wanted to run to Bennett. She wanted... She wanted to be the person that Dallas was describing, and not the person that she felt like.
“How did you do it?” she asked. “How did you...decide to take the chance?”
“Well, my options were a group home and eventually jail, probably, or Gold Valley and Bennett Dodge. So I guess it’s when you realize the alternative is no kind of life.”
She nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“A lot of people love you, Kaylee,” Dallas said. “Eventually, you’re going to have to let them.”
Dallas turned and started walking back out the door.
“Was it that easy?” she asked.
“For me? No. I’m still working it out. But...like I said, it’s better than what else is out there for me. It’s better than anything else. Anyway, I’ll see you around. I hope.”
He turned to go and she stopped him. “Hey, wait a second, juvie. I’m not letting you go out and get arrested, okay? I’ll drive you back in your dad’s truck.”
She held her hand out, waiting for the keys.
“How will you get home?”
“I’m old, like you said. Don’t worry about me, I’ll figure it out.”
They kept mostly silent for the five-minute drive up the road to Bennett’s place, and at his guidance she pulled the truck into the barn, where Bennett wouldn’t hear the engine or see the headlights.
“Stay out of trouble,” she said when they got out of the truck.
“Why don’t you come to the house?” he asked.
His tone was hopeful, and it hurt.
“Not tonight, Dallas. I’m sorry. I have to...figure this out.”
He nodded, seeming to accept that. “Good night, Kaylee,” he said, turning and walking across the gravel drive toward the porchlight that shone in the distance. Kaylee stood there considering her next move.
She could call Jamie to come pick her up, but she didn’t actually want company.
She looked up at the clear sky. At all the stars overhead, at the black ridge of mountain and trees that rose up in the distance. She remembered running through a field on a night like this. With Bennett.
She headed out toward the highway and crossed over the fence line into a field that ran along the side of the road that wasn’t on the shoulder. She picked up her pace, going faster and faster, until she was running.
Like they had back then.
She wanted to go back in time. When it was simple.
When it was her and Bennett against the world, and not her against Bennett. Her against herself.
She ran until her lungs burned. Until she thought her heart might burst.
She stopped in the middle of the field, tears streaming down her face. She bent over, bracing herself on her thighs.
What was she doing?
What was she running from?
She had wanted Bennett all of her life, and then he had offered himself, and she was too afraid to take it. Why? Because she doubted him?
No. She didn’t doubt Bennett. He was the best. Good right down to his bones.
She doubted herself.
More than that, she was afraid. Afraid of what it would mean if she changed her life like this.
Because the truth of it was her feelings for Bennett had always been manageable. She had been able to sit back and be a martyr to them. Allow them to hurt her, but just enough.
She had held herself back from him, so that if he rejected her he wasn’t rejecting all of her.
She had accused Bennett of having plans, of being in control. But she was even worse. What she had felt for Bennett... Had it even been love? What she had felt had been all selfish and self-protecting.
A chance for her to marinate in all of her glorious pain and the injustice of the fact that she wanted a man she could never have. Because she didn’t ask for what she wanted. Because she didn’t give him honesty.
And yes. She had conveniently filled a lot of spots in his life, but she’d done it willingly. She’d never asked for anything different. Had never pushed for more. She’d just pretended. That everything was fine. That she was happy.
He had given her honesty. He had stood there and professed his love for her, had stood there and faced down rejection. He had been naked for her in a way that went beyond clothing.
But she hadn’t been. Not really. She was protecting herself, always protecting herself. Because she was every inch the coward he said. And she covered it up in all this self-pity. She had been wounded, convinced she wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t really want her.
But what if he did? What if he really wanted her with everything that he was? What if they could have everything if she would just stop hiding?
She was going to have to come up with a plan to do just that.
She stood up straight and looked back up at the stars. She couldn’t go back in time. She had no choice but to go forward.
And she was going to have to be brave. No more hiding. No more protecting herself.
Because if she really loved Bennett, then she was going to have to show him. If she really loved Bennett, she was going to have to risk something.
Anything else wasn’t love at all.