I had never been sick like that in my entire life. I vaguely remember the first few days. I know Sebastian was with me and had to leave to go back to his real life. I don’t know if it was the medication or the illness that was making me think about what a mess I had put myself in.

After he left to go back home, a nurse Madam provided for me stayed the duration of my illness, she was nice and helped me when needed; it wasn’t the same, I wanted Sebastian. I couldn’t have Sebastian and for the first time in this whole fucked up situation, I was resentful and angry.

I realized that I would never truly have him. I never thought I’d see the day where I would finally open my eyes and feel like his whore. The day had come and it left a bitter taste in my mouth and especially in my heart.

Sebastian would never be there for me like I would need him, I certainly did not imagine that I would find myself in a place where I wanted to rely on a man, and I did. I wanted Sebastian to be that man for me.

I wanted the fairy tale and the happy ending. I wanted to be rescued.

It was a waterfall of emotions when I finally admitted it to myself. I just didn’t know what I was going to do about it.

Sunday came and my nurse was excused, I was able to take care of myself and I was starting to feel like a normal person again. Chance was a trooper throughout all of it, always staying by my side, filling me with love and affection. I decided that I had seen the inside of my bedroom for far too long.

I put on a top and cotton shorts with my Nikes, and Googled “dog parks”. It was such a beautiful day, the sun was warm and not scorching like I was accustomed to. I smiled at several people, as my new best friend and I walked along Haulover Dog Park. I couldn’t shake the feeling of betrayal. It was ridiculous, I had gotten myself into this mess. I shook my head trying to brush off the feelings that I couldn't change and walked my dog, who was very happy to be out and about.

I sat on my blanket, unleashed Chance, and pulled out the tennis ball from my bag throwing it as far as I could. Chance ran right after it with the same amount of energy each time, by the tenth time he got distracted by this female Collie, and it was goodbye Mom and ball.

Men.

I ran to go get the ball myself, once it was in my hand I looked for where Chance had run off to.

As I was looking through the park, I saw him and my heart literally stopped. My whole world seemed to come crashing down on me in a matter of seconds. Everything I thought I knew, everything I wanted to believe, all of it…gone.

There he was right in front of my very own eyes, it was Sebastian…with his family. His son was on his shoulders and his wife was curled up under his arm and they looked like the picture perfect family.

I had imagined this in my mind numerous times, what they all looked like together, it never took an ounce of comparison to what I was seeing. They were a family. I could feel the love and devotion to each other from hundreds of feet away. Crawling and etching its way under my skin and into my bloodstream.

And then it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.

I’ll never be the one he lays next to every night…

I’ll never be the one that he makes love to time after time…

I’ll never be the one he plans a future with…

I’ll never be the one he grows old with…

I’ll never be the one he comes home to…

And I’ll never be the one that he says “I love you” to…

I’m the whore, the escort, the mistress, the prostitute; it doesn’t matter what way you say it…I’m the other fucking woman. I’ll always be second place.

I stayed there like that, lost in the zone of seeing the man that owned my heart, with the family that owned his.

I had seen families before, the easiness and carefree-ness of it all. The fact of knowing that you belong somewhere and with someone, the unspoken promises and support. I had wished for a family like that of my own. A family like Sebastian’s.

The laughing, the smiling, the playing, and the unity of what they were. It was as if I was watching a train wreck and I fucking knew I needed to stop watching, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I couldn’t move from the spot I was standing in. The feelings I experienced hurt so bad, like someone was taking a knife and jabbing me over and over again.

I couldn’t fucking move.

I was punishing myself for being stupid, for letting my guard down, for letting someone in. I should have known better.

And in that moment I truly wanted to die. It was too late, because I was dying…I was no longer Ysa…I was Ysabelle.

I should have seen it coming, I didn’t. God had a funny way of making me that day’s entertainment. I saw little man running toward me.

“Ms. Ysabelle!” he yelled for the entire park to turn and look. “Hi! You have a dog? I have a dog, too! He’s over there,” he explained with a cheerful bright smile. I don’t know what came over me; I crouched down to his level, and pulled him into a hug. I just wanted to feel a piece of Sebastian, because I knew that it was over.

The game.

The charade.

The affair.

His little body and arms curled around my neck just like his father’s had done so many times, he smelled just like him.

I whispered “I love you” just enough for me to hear, and kissed his cheek. I pulled away from him and his face showed concern.

God he looked so much like his father.

“Why are you crying?” he sadly asked.

“They’re happy tears,” I replied, wiping them away with the back of my hand. I stood up and saw a woman running toward us with Sebastian right behind her.

“Christian! You cannot runaway like that,” she said to her son not even looking at me; she didn’t have to because Sebastian’s face said it all.

“It’s all right, this is my friend, Ms. Ysabelle.”

“Oh,” she said, standing up to greet me.

Her face turned pale, “Oh, my God.”

Sebastian looked back and forth between her and I, showing concern for I didn’t know whom.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be staring, but wow…you look just like her.”

“Excuse me?” I knew who she was talking about. The reason why Sebastian had wanted me. 

“Julia,” he finally said.

“I’m sorry, Sebby, just look at her. Do you know this woman?” she questioned.

“Yeah, Mom, she’s Dad’s friend, we played at the beach.” I could see Sebastian’s Adams apple move and the distress all over his face. I should have exposed him, all the lies, the secrets, and the infidelity. I wanted to hurt him; I wanted him to hurt just like I was.

I couldn’t do it.

I was a woman in love.

“Yes, I know your husband through my husband. We bought a yacht a few months ago,” I lied, putting my left hand in my shorts.

“You said you weren’t married.” Christian chimed in.

“Buddy…I think you got it wrong. Ms. Ysabelle is married to a client of mine.”

Christian cocked his head to the side as if challenging out the lie, and then abruptly shrugged his shoulders. I saw Sebastian breathe out air in relief, before he scooped him in his arms to pick him up.

“Right…well I’m sorry for all this. I didn’t mean to intrude on your family time,” I said with a weak smile.

“No, I apologize for the third degree. Christian gets excited when he sees people he knows. He’s a social butterfly,” she calmly stated. “I’m Sebastian’s wife Julia, it’s nice to meet you,” she said, extending out her hand to shake mine. I did, taking in her beauty. She was lovely, exactly who I would picture Sebastian to be with.

“Ysabelle.”

“Well, Ysabelle, I apologize for my abruptness, it’s just you look like someone who was very dear to me.”

Staring right at Sebastian, “No worries, I actually get that a lot,” I reminded him. To which Sebastian closed his eyes like I had hurt him.

“It was nice meeting you, I’m going to go find my dog. He seems to have wandered off,” I nervously laughed.

“Okay.” Sebastian finally spoke looking right at me.

I walked away from the man I loved that day. Now all that was left was to let him know.

 

 

I was in bed when I got his text later that day.

 

S – I’m so sorry, Ysa.

Y – Mmm hmm.

S – I don’t even know what to say or do to make this better. I promise you that I will do anything in my power to make that happen.

You can’t.

Y – Yep.

S – Don’t shut me out, please talk to me. I don’t care what it is just talk to me.

Y – Ok, can I see you tomorrow?

S – Of course I will be there before work. I can’t wait to hold you. I miss you so much.

Y – :-)

S – Sweet dreams, my girl.

I didn’t reply.

I got out of bed went and grabbed the boxes I had purchased that afternoon. It was time to clean house.

 

 

I laid awake for the longest time with my wife in my arms, staring at the blank ceiling and feeling like shit. I couldn't believe I was stupid enough to let Julia and Ysabelle run face to face into each other. I ran my finger up and down Julia's arm while she slept nestled to my chest. I'm pretty sure besides the night Christian was born, the night I sat with Ysa while she was sick was the longest night of my life.

I wanted to see her. I needed to see her, I needed to tell her that it was going to be okay, to reassure her that we were fine. I think I saw the sun coming up before I finally let the exhaustion take over. Julia was up and gone when my alarm sounded. I was glad that she'd taken the time to drop Christian off. I had an agenda, somewhere very important that I needed to be.

I felt a hint of guilt when I read Julia's note telling me that I was sleeping so soundly, she didn’t want to wake me for a kiss goodbye. She was taking Christian to school, and then, “I love you Sebby” at the bottom.

I drove to Ysabelle’s condo with a pain in my heart, the way she looked when I saw her yesterday looked like she had been crying. And then her responses to my texts were short, not that I blamed her. I knew this was a cop out. I stopped and got her favorite breakfast and coffee from a diner she frequented.

Her door was unlocked when I got to it and she was blaring house music. Chance didn’t even hear me come in, and it pissed me off that she would be careless with her safety.

I placed the food and coffee on the end table and turned down the volume on the receiver. I turned to find Ysabelle staring at me, and I immediately noticed her eyes were cold. I don’t think I’d ever seen her eyes like that before, her demeanor was different too, she was dressed perfectly, not a hair out of place. I hadn’t seen her wear her hair straight, in what seemed like forever. She was wearing tight jeans and a black low cut revealing silk blouse with high heels.

“Are we going somewhere?” I asked.

“I am,” she said, walking over to me and turning off the music.

“Okay.” I reached to grab her and she backed away from me.

“Don’t. We need to talk.”

Shit.

“Ysa…listen. I’m-”

“I don’t want to hear it. Just listen, all right?” she cautioned with an unreadable face.

I sat down on the couch, “Okay.” She moved to sit next to me, tucking one leg under her thigh to face me.

“You know Sebastian…I’ve never been with a man or even a woman if I wasn’t getting paid for it.”

“What do you mean?”

She looked me straight in the eyes, “What I said, I’ve never been with anyone unless I was getting something out of it. I don’t have any idea what it feels like to not get paid for my company.”

“Ysa, we’re different,” I tried to explain.

“Are we? Because you pay for me, you’ve been paying for me for a year now. Do you see everything around you, Sebastian? You’re paying for my comfortable lifestyle and in return I’m at your beck and call. How convenient for us both,” she acknowledged sarcastically.

I grabbed her hand and she let me, “I know this is hard all right. I need you. You know I do.”

“I know. That’s the problem, Sebastian. I let this go on for far too long. This is my fault that I didn’t control the situation.”

“What are you talking about?” I didn’t like where this was going.

“Us. I’m talking about this. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Ysa…” I said, pulling her to me. She straddled my legs and I kissed her head, her forehead, her cheeks, her neck, I wanted to kiss her everywhere and all at once. I wanted to keep her there with me. I kissed her lips and she let me, her mouth opened for me, and I felt the silkiness of her tongue. I didn’t feel her; she was just giving me her body. And for the first time since this whole situation started, I realized how she was able to give herself to other men.              

I hated myself for becoming one of those men to her, that hurt me more than anything. I was supposed to be different, we were supposed to have been different.

I put my forehead on hers and looked deep into her eyes. I didn’t see it anymore, the light, the love, the happiness, all of it was for me, and it was gone. Her eyes were just as beautiful as the day I first saw them, they were just no longer alive. They were no longer for me. I had ruined it. I ruined everything.

“Please, don’t do this,” I whimpered in a voice I didn’t even recognize, I was on the verge of tears.

“My girl…” I pleaded, grabbing her cheek.

“We can’t do this anymore, I can’t see you again. I’m going to let Madam know. We’re over, Sebastian,” she stated in a voice I didn’t recognize.

I raised my eyebrows and I could feel the tears falling down my face, “I want you, I need you, I love-”

She abruptly stood, taking my whole world with her, “Get the fuck out!” she yelled, pointing to the door.

“Don’t do this!” I shouted, standing up to her, going toe to toe, she didn’t back down, she stood her ground, just like I knew she would.

She chuckled deviously, “In this lifetime, Sebastian, you’re happily married, a father; and I’m a prostitute. I will not continue to play this mind fuck with you. I don’t need to be saved, this isn’t a love story, and I don’t need you to be my happily ever after. This is a means to an end; you pay me to fuck you,” she violently spewed. “I’m trying to do the right thing here, for once in my fucked up existence, I’m trying to do the right fucking thing.”

“You could really walk away that easily? And we both know if I were a happily married man, I wouldn’t be here.”

She cocked her head to the side and grinned, “Where do you tell your wife you’re going when you’re with me? Huh? Do you tell her you’re with me? Does she know you’re fucking a prostitute on the side and then you go home to her?”

I didn’t say one word; I couldn’t even believe this was happening.

I saw anger run through Ysabelle’s face, as she suddenly pushed me with so much force that I fell back.

“ANSWER ME!” she screamed, getting right up to my face. I turned because I couldn’t look at her anymore.

“Does she like the way I smell or taste, Sebastian? Does she?” she grabbed the sides of my face with both hands and made me look at her.

“Or wait…do you ALWAYS take a shower and clean yourself up before you go home to her…as you walk out these doors do you take your ring out of your pocket and put it back on?

“Then you walk through the doors of your home, hug your kid, and kiss your wife, right? Isn’t that what goes down? You guys talk about your day and then you tuck in your kid goodnight. Then what do you do, huh? Do you tell her how you were inside me mere hours earlier, screaming my fucking name, Sebastian!”

She held my face tighter, wanting to hurt me, as much as I had done her.

“Or do you just walk back to your bedroom, make love to your wife, tell her how much you love her, and hold her while she sleeps? Is that what you do? Make love to your wife and then fuck me, your whore?” I gasped and she roughly let go.

“That’s what I fucking thought. Your time with me is over, Sebastian. I need you to go, if you won’t go on your own free will, then I will have you escorted out.”

I grabbed her arm more forcefully than I intended and made her face me.

“It would be that easy for you to walk away from me wouldn’t it? Like I mean nothing to you, like this meant nothing to you.”

“Ab-sa-fucking-lutley, Sebastian! You’re only fucking me because I remind you of your dead girlfriend.” I instantly grabbed her harder and she yelped in pain.

“No, Ysabelle, that’s where you’re wrong. Olivia would have never sold herself, because it doesn’t matter what way you paint it, Ysabelle, it doesn’t change the fact that you sell your pussy for money.” Her face looked as if I’ve slapped her and I immediately regretted it.

She quickly replaced it with a smile; “You should know, you’ve been paying for it for a year.”

 

 

Sebastian released me, but not before he looked at me with disgust and remorse all at once.

“Those boxes by the door all belong to you, you can see yourself out.” He looked over by the door, almost surprised that he had just noticed them.

“I don’t want any of your shit in my condo, take it, throw it away, or fucking burn it,” I said vindictively, “There’s a check on the counter for Chance.”

He bowed his head in defeat and I wanted to scream and hit him to fight for me, to convince me not to leave him, but I didn’t. I pushed my nail into my palm to the point that I thought I was going to make it bleed to stop myself from running to him.

Sebastian reached for me one last time and I swiftly moved back, he shook his head and walked to the door. It took everything I had in me to not go to him, he looked broken, I had broken him, and now we were even.

He rubbed Chance’s head before taking one last look at me, “I’m sorry for everything, Ysa,” he said as he opened the door and walked out of my life.

I stood there for what seemed like a lifetime, tears streaming down my face, until I couldn’t take it anymore and screamed bloody murder at the top of my lungs. I ran for the boxes and started taking everything out of them, throwing them everywhere, all the gifts, letters, his belongings; I ripped, shredded, tossed, and threw all of it out of my sight, scattered it everywhere, screaming and crying along the way.

I couldn’t take it anymore and leaned my whole body against the door, until my body couldn’t hold me up any more and I started sliding down, crying and wallowing in the misery of truly being broken hearted.

 

After cleaning up the massive mess I had created in more ways than one, I made myself decent and drove to Madam’s. I found her in her office, almost as if she had been expecting me.

“Bella Rosa,” she greeted with a hug and a kiss. “It doesn’t matter how much makeup you put on, I can still see that you look like shit.”

“Thanks, Madam, I didn’t come for the pleasant conversation. I need you to do something for me, and I will do something for you in exchange, which I’m sure will make you ecstatic,” I stated in a sarcastic tone.

“Oh yeah.”

“I need you to change my number and move me to another location.”

“Hmmm…trouble in paradise, I presume?”

“After you do this for me you can put me back on the schedule. I just need some time to clear my head and get my shit together.”

“Well…I’m not much for gloating, but I think this needs to be said-”

“I’m fully aware that I fucked up, all right? There is no need for the I told you sos, call it being young and careless, and trust me when I say it will never happen again.” She nodded.

“Are you all right, darling?” she empathized.

“I will be.”

She left the room and returned with a new phone, and two sets of keys.

“I’ll have all your contacts transferred to that phone and the movers will be there first thing in the morning. That’s the set of keys to your new condo, it’s located in Marquis Residences unit 1613; it’s already fully furnished, and all you need to pack are your clothes and whatever personal belongings you would like to bring. I imagine you want to start fresh, yes?” I nodded.

“All right…well consider this a lesson learned, and a gift from me for coming to your senses ,” she stated, handing me another set of keys.

“It’s an Audi A8, it’s parked in the garage; you can leave the set to your current car and home.”

“Thank you, Madam.”

“Of course, Bella Rosa, I’m always here for you, you know that. Now enough of the melodramatics, it’s not our style; we’re far too pretty for it. The White’s Annual Gala is exactly four weeks away, do you think you will be better by then?”

“Mmm hmm,” was all I could reply, I hadn’t been with another man in a year, I had a month to mentally prepare myself.

“Lovely, I know the perfect gentleman, darling,” she snickered.

“Great. Well then, I don’t want to take up too much of your time, I’ll be going.” I got up to leave.

“Ysabelle.”

I turned, “Hmmm.”

“Don’t ever fuck with your heart again. Do you understand?”

“Of course.” She nodded and I was excused.

 

 

What the hell just happened? Why did I feel like I had just been hit in the chest with a sledgehammer? I wasn't sure how to be me without her anymore. Could I really just go home to my family and pretend like Ysabelle never happened. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I screamed over and over, beating the hell out of my steering wheel as I waited for the light to turn green.

My whole world had just changed, just like that in the matter of minutes. I would never get to hold her, to kiss her, to love her. I hadn’t even told her that I loved her. I never once told her how much I loved her.

I understood everything she was saying to me. It wasn’t fair to her and I was the one that was causing her so much pain. Every time I called her, all those times I went to her, I was hurting her. Every last second I was with her, I wanted to truly make her mine. To pretend she was truly my girl…

I never once considered her feelings, and how she felt, or what she was going through. I just expected her to be there at any point that I was ready for her, when I made room for her in my life, when it was convenient for me.

I never gave her a choice or an option to be with me, it was all my doing, my expectations, and my demands. Every last bit of it was on my fucking terms. Julia wasn’t the only victim in this; Ysabelle was too, I had used her in the worst way possible.

I had broken a woman that I was hell bent trying to put together, from the broken place she had come from. I fucked her up even more so than she was before. I had never seen the look in her eyes that I witnessed, my Ysa...my girl…was gone.

And now I was expected to go home and pretend like none of this ever happened. I was supposed to go on and resume my life as it was, before she came tumbling in.

She never was and now she never would be.

I did the only thing I knew how to do, I went to the bar and got sloppy ass drunk.

After spending the entire day at the bar, I took a cab ride home; once I knew Christian would be asleep.

I tip toed into the garage to find Julia waiting for me.

“What the hell, Sebastian? I have been calling you all day. Where have you been? Jesus, you smell like whiskey and cigarettes.

“Hi, Babygirl,” I stammered, stumbling over my own two feet.

“Oh my God! You’re drunk.”

“Just a little bit,” I said, trying to compose myself and lacking severely, “I’m sorry, I was with clients and I don’t know how this happened,” I slurred.

“Obviously, come on let me help you.” I barely remember the rest of the night. I woke up to a blinding bright light and a very pissed off Julia.

“Julia…not right now. My head is pounding,” I said, covering my eyes.

“Sebastian, what the hell is going on? This isn’t like you.”

“I told you I got carried away with clients. You’ll be happy when the check clears.”

“What the fuck, Sebastian?” she angrily replied.

“Shit I’m sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just severely hung over. Can we finish this later?”

“Whatever, Sebastian.”

“Ugh,” I grunted, reaching for her. This was the only way I was going to get her to stop. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her head and told her I was sorry, I loved her, and I would never do it again.

That seemed to take away her apprehension and won me a smile before she got dressed, and left with Christian.

I called into work faking that I still had the flu and went back to sleep. I woke hours later with less of a hangover. However, with more of a recollection of why I had gotten so fucked up in the first place.

I needed to fix this, I had to make it better, I couldn’t live without her. As I waited for the coffee to be ready I called her, only to be slapped in the face with, “the number you are trying to reach has been disconnected, please hang up and try again”.

“What the fuck.” I quickly changed, called a taxi to take me to my car, and grabbed my coffee on the way out.

When I made it to her front door I tried to use my key, it wouldn’t work. I banged on it, “Ysa! Answer the door,” I repeated over and over again.

The door opened and an older man answered, I could feel my blood start to boil.

“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded.

“Whoa, man, calm down. We’re just the movers. We’re done.”

“Movers? What the hell are you talking about, where’s Ysabelle?”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about. We were told to move things from this building to-”

“Mr. Vanwell,” Madam said from behind me.

“Would you care to stop harassing my staff?” she cautioned.

“Thank you, Jerico.” She handed him an envelope before he left.

“Please come inside, I don’t want a scene in the hallway,” she said as I followed her inside.

All of Ysabelle’s stuff was still there, not one thing was taken.

I looked at Madam, “Where is she?”

“Mr. Vanwell, I think you know as well as I do that Ysabelle does what she wants. I don’t understand how you don’t get that yet. I’m not her keeper as much as you think I am. She is no longer taking residence here and you are no longer a client of VIP.”

I grabbed her wrist, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I advise you, Mr. Vanwell, to let me go before you further piss me off.”

“Tell me where she is. You can’t do this, you can’t hide her from me.”

“And why pray tell do you think this is my doing? Bella Rosa came to me, not the other way around. She wants nothing to do with you, her words not mine. Now let me go.” I let her go, stunned by what she told me.

“Do yourself a favor, Mr. Vanwell, get your shit together before you further fuck up your life. You’ve already lost one woman, you wouldn’t want to lose the other,” she advised before leaving.

I was at a loss for words. I walked around the entire condo in a fog. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of Ysabelle, every last moment that we shared, the laughing, talking, smiling, and making love. We had spent an entire couple of weeks christening every inch of her condo; her favorite was on the kitchen island. 

I remembered the first time she fed me her favorite cookies and cream with coffee ice cream, her own recipe. The time she burnt dinner, because I couldn’t keep my hands off her, the endless amounts of watching football and sharing comfortable silence. Her laughter was always contagious and it didn’t matter what I was doing, if she was laughing it would make me smile.

I had so many regrets in my life. I used to think that never being with Olivia was my number one, I knew now that it was just the tip of the iceberg. I was meant to be with Ysabelle, she was supposed to be in my life. I regretted not telling her that I loved her, I should have said it to her every second of every day.

I made my way into her bedroom and it was just as I had left it. I could still smell her in the air. I could still feel her on my skin, and in my blood. She would permanently be a part of me. I knew then that I would never be the same. She left me and took my heart with her, she doesn’t ever want to see you again, her words not mine.

I laid in the bed that we shared so many times and wept, for the things I should have changed, and would never be able to.