They say time heals all wounds. That’s a bunch of bullshit. It didn’t matter how many months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, or seconds went by. I couldn’t get Olivia out of my mind. I couldn’t stop blaming myself. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her face, heard her voice, or felt her touch. She was ingrained in my soul.

Not one day went by where I didn’t think about her. I regretted everything and I felt nothing. I spent the next few years of my life drinking, partying, sleeping around, and studying. School and sex became my way of living. I kept my mind occupied on getting through the day. The one regret that I had the most, that never seemed to go the fuck away, was the fact that we were never truly together.

She consumed my thoughts and my dreams. I wished that I could go back and just deal with the fallout, let what would have happened just be.

“Mr. Vanwell.” I heard as Professor Wills called, interrupting the rant in my mind.

“Yes?” I replied, looking up.

“Would you like to elaborate on our discussion?”

Shit. I had no clue what the hell he had been saying for the last thirty minutes. That’s because, the only thing on my mind was Olivia.

“Sorry, I guess I was a little distracted.”

“You seem to be distracted a lot, lately. Maybe you should review your options and decide what is really important to you.”

“No, no. I’m fine. I’ll pay attention,” I lied. I couldn’t pay attention. I couldn’t stop thinking about Oli to save my life.

“Hey man, you coming over to Andrew’s party? You only turn twenty-one once.”

“Yeah, I’ll stop by.”

I walked out the double doors straight into the New York winter. Damn, I missed Florida. This 20-degree weather was frigid.

I reached the party a little after midnight. I had met up with some friends prior to the party to get slightly fucked up before arriving.

I walked into the smell of beer and weed. I had never been much for drugs, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t around it.

“Seb, damn man, you finally made it. I was beginning to think you forgot about me.” Andrew said, handing me a shot.

“Nope, wouldn’t miss it.”

I hung out with the boys for a few more rounds of beers and Tequila shots. The blunt was being passed around and I was so fucked up that I didn’t realize that I had it on my lips until I inhaled and started coughing up a lung.

I heard laughter all around me, “Virgin lungs, you pussy. You gotta cough to get off.” Tony stated.

“Fuck” cough “you.”

“Take one more hit and then puff puff pass, brother.”

I was entirely too fucked up. I needed to go lay down. I found the first room I could find and toppled over on my back. I stared at the ceiling for God knows how long, contemplating life, until I heard my phone ring.

I grabbed it from my back pocket and saw Julia’s face.

“Fuck. I can’t answer you right now, Babygirl.” I clicked decline and a text message came through seconds later.

 

J – What are you doing? I miss you. I want to talk.

 

I really tried to reply; I couldn’t see the keys if my life depended on it. I tried anyway, until I heard a giggle. I looked up and saw a blonde that I recognized from my Business Law class.

“Hi,” she chuckled walking over to me and lying beside me.

“What are we looking at? You seemed lost in thought,” she said with a smile.

“Oh you know…a little of this…a little of that,” I answered with a grin.

She turned her head to look at me, “You want to know what I’m thinking about?”

“Why not,” I breathed out turning to look at her.

“I want to suck your dick.”

You would think this would surprise me, except this wasn’t the first time this had happened. Girls in college were easy. It didn’t take much to get them to spread their legs. I’m not trying to sound like a cocky bastard, it was the truth.

I did what any normal man would do. I let her suck my dick.

I grabbed the back of her head with both hands while she deep throated me so far in the back of her throat I thought she might throw up. She had no gag reflex and sucked me like a fucking pro.

It usually took me forever to come when I was drunk, within minutes she was milking my dick with her hand until I came. She went as far as swallowing and saying “you’re welcome.”

This is what my life had become. I had completely lost myself. I continued on like this for the next few years. I didn't care who the girl was, if she was willing to fuck or suck me, I was game. Maybe it was a distraction; maybe it was my way of coping. Whatever it was, it became me, defining me as someone I wasn't.

 

 

Where is that noise coming from? What the hell is that? I moved my arms to where I heard the noise. I didn’t want to open my eyes. Damn what time was it? Thank God it stopped. I rolled over and made myself comfortable once again. Not even a minute later and I heard the doorbell. Damn it. I woke up stumbling and opened the first drawer of my nightstand. Intending to find a t-shirt, but all the drawer seemed to have was nighties. I grabbed the first one and put it on over my head as I walked to the door. Before I even reached it, the door opened on its own.

“Thank you love, yes right over there by the breakfast bar.” Madam ushered the man with a tray of every breakfast food designed by man.

“Good morning, Bella Rosa.” It’s morning, it seemed more like early dawn to me. I smiled. She had to have learned by now that I was not a morning person.

“Darling, good to know that you still look just as amazing in the morning as you do when you’re put together. That will come in handy. Come on, don’t fuck around, the day awaits,” she said as she smacked my butt to get me to move.

“El café con leche is on the table. Drink some, it will make you feel better.”

“Mmm hmm,” was all I could come up with...I looked over at the clock on the microwave.

“6:30 a.m. Really? Couldn’t this have waited, till I don’t know, noon maybe?” I asked. She handed me my cup of coffee.

“Early bird gets the worm, Bella Rosa, and we have a mighty big worm to conquer today.” I shook my head looking over at the array of breakfast items that were sitting on my breakfast bar.

“You should have asked me what I like to eat, Madam. That is way too much food. I usually just like coffee and granola bar for breakfast. I mean maybe oatmeal, that over there is ridiculous. You could feed a small army.” She smiled.

“Well yes, it is a little extravagant, isn’t it? Darling, it isn’t from me. It’s from Gabriel.” I looked away from the food and looked over at Madam.

“What?”

“Did I stutter? You heard me. It’s from Gabriel. Ysabelle, I don’t like to repeat myself,” she said while holding the bridge of her nose. “You need to get used to all of this, because this is nothing. Ugh, this is why I never had children, I have no patience,” she made an exaggerated sigh and took a sip of her coffee.

“All right, for you I will try. Come here.” She grabbed my hand and led me over to the couch.

“Gabriel is very taken with you, as he should be, I mean look at you. Anyway, this right here,” she gestured toward the food, “is nothing; I mean, it’s actually pretty basic if you ask me. If he really wanted to make an impression he would have sent some jewelry and flowers; Gabriel can be rather selfish like most men,” she said as she inspected her nails.

“Here’s the deal. This is Gabriel’s way of saying he wants your pussy. I don’t know how I feel about that yet. We have a Gala that we’ve been asked to attend. I think it would be better if we waited until then to showcase your availability. We could test the waters, so to say, to highest bidder. What do you think?”

“I don’t care, Madam. I mean, I wouldn’t mind being with Gabriel, he seemed nice enough.” She watched me carefully and put her hand on mine.

“Lovely girl, you’re selling yourself short. You are like a classic wine that hasn’t been uncorked yet, men will pay top dollar for the first taste.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said, still sounding a little skeptical. “I’m not a virgin.”

“Yes, but you are to this industry. My clients will know that. This isn’t my first rodeo, Ms. Telle. Trust me. Well then, another rule to add to our relationship. No doubting yourself, first and foremost don’t doubt me, okay?” she mused and I nodded.

“I’m glad we cleared that up. Now, I need you to jump in the shower, the ob-gyn should be here in thirty minutes. He needs to check you out, give you the shot, and then we are off to a few etiquette classes that I have scheduled for you.

“Etiquette classes?” I asked.

“Yes, just standard stuff, mostly just proper dining skills and conversational skills. Then we are meeting the girls for lunch. I want you to start making friends.”

“Do all the girls live in this building?”

“Some, I like all my girls to be scattered. They all live around here, only the best for my babies. Now, enough chit-chat, we will have enough of that later. Go get ready.”

I stood and went to go get ready. Twenty minutes later I emerged in my living room to find that it now had a table with stirrups and all. Great. The older man who I assumed to be the doctor, was laying out tools that looked scarier than anything I had ever seen. Madam was out on the balcony, talking on the phone. I proceeded to the end of the couch and felt uncomfortable in my own skin.

The older man turned and gave me a warm smile.

“Ms. Telle, I presume?” he said.

“Ysabelle, my name is Ysabelle.”

“Nice to meet you, Ysabelle, I am Dr. Patel. Do you know what we are going to do today?”

“Kind of.”

“Let me explain. I will be asking you a few questions, some will be more personal than others; I need to establish your sexual history as well as any medical issues. Then, I will be giving you a pap smear to make sure you’re healthy, and a normal physical as well. I will also be giving you an STD test and the Depo-Provera shot. The results will be ready quickly. Are you ready to begin?”

“I am.” As if on cue, Madam walked in.

“Okay great, you’re here. Charles, are you about ready to go? We have a busy day ahead of us.” I guess Dr. Patel is Charles; I wonder how long they’ve known each other and if he knows what she does.

Madam walked over to me and sat on the other end of the couch.

“Bella Rosa, don’t be nervous, this is all standard. It’s a precaution for us to know that you’re healthy, plus we already discussed the preferred method of birth control. It will be fast and pain free, I promise.” For some reason, I felt at ease with Madam in the room, like she magically made everything better.

The questions that Dr. Patel asked were what I was expecting. It wasn’t until I was spread eagle on the table did I really feel uncomfortable. I have never had a pap smear before and I hoped that everything came back normal.

When he was done, I got dressed and Madam handed him a white envelope; she kissed him on the cheek, and he was out the door.

“Ysabelle, what are those?” she said, pointing to my shoes.

“My sandals,” I answered.

“Better yet, what the hell are you wearing? Where did those clothes come from?”

“I brought some of my things with me from my apartment.” She proceeded to circle me with her finger on her lips and lightly chuckled.

“Do you think I like wasting money, Ysabelle?”

“No, of course not.” She abruptly left me and went into the kitchen where she grabbed a black garbage bag from under the sink and started walking toward the direction of my bedroom. I stood there, not knowing what to do, and then I decided to follow her; I treaded lightly. I did something wrong, I think I offended her.

I walked into my bedroom and watched as she rummaged through all of my belongings and threw away everything that I had brought with me. Including my cell phone. When she was finished she walked over to me and looked pissed.

“Understand something, Ysabelle, don’t you ever take my gifts for granted; as quickly as they come they can go.”

“Wait, what? No, I didn’t do that. I appreciate it all; I just wanted something of mine. I worked very hard for all of my things, Madam. I’m not used to being taken care of, can you understand that?” I gave back as much attitude as I was getting. She needed to understand that I don’t cower down to anyone. This felt like it was a power exchange.

“Ysabelle, that life is over now. You receive extravagant things and don’t wear sandals from Target. Everything in that closet is for you. You exude money and power, learn it, live it, and fucking love it. Yes?” she demanded, I nodded.

“Great! Now take off those fucking clothes, and put some real Goddamn clothes on. Ladies wear heels, even if they are walking to the dumpster.” With that she grabbed the trash bag of my clothing and walked out of my room. I guess we’re done with the conversation.

I dressed in a pair of Marciano skinny jeans, Gucci off the shoulder gray top, and black Louboutin stilettos. As soon as I walked into the living area, Madam’s smile lit up the room.

“There, don’t you feel better? Honestly…you can’t tell me you don’t feel like a million bucks, because you sure do look it.” I didn’t really want to agree with her, but I couldn’t help it. I did feel better about myself in the clothes, she did have a point. I guess that was her reasoning for wanting me to dress like that.

“Actually, I do, Madam. I can see where you’re coming from. I’m sorry.”

“It’s already forgotten, silly girl.” I grabbed my purse and we were out the door. I followed Madam to the parking garage, assuming a chauffeur would be waiting for us. I heard an alarm set to a car and followed where it was coming from, a white Mercedes CLS caught my attention.

“Wow, that’s one hell of a car,” I said while walking to the passenger side. She slid her hand into mine with the keys.

“Great, because it’s yours.”

“What the fuck? Are you kidding? I haven’t even made any money yet.”

“Ysabelle.” I could hear her frustrated tone.

“Thank you, Madam,” was all I could say. No more complaints or questions. Just thank you and I understand. She smiled at that and started to walk over to the passenger side.

I spent the morning at the etiquette classes, while Madam spent the time on her phone. The classes were fairly easy. It was explained to me in English, but I just didn’t understand why there needed to be several different types of silverware for one meal.

On the ride to meet the other girls for lunch, I was a bit nervous. I wanted them to like me, I’ve never really cared about what people thought of me, but with these girls, I wanted them to think that I was beautiful and smart. I wanted them to think that I was one of them.

We parked and entered Prime on Ocean drive at 1:00 p.m.

“Good afternoon, Madam, the ladies are here. I will escort you to your table, the usual?

“Yes, Victor, and also for Ysabelle.”

“Of course,” he replied. I couldn’t help but wonder if Madam had everyone eating out of the palm of her hand. We walked to a secluded room in the back where I immediately noticed seven breathtaking women. I felt like I just stepped into the Playboy Mansion.

“Ysabelle,” they all said in unison. I was greeted with kisses on each cheek and hugs by all of them. My nerves subsided and I finally felt at ease. We all took our seats and I sat at the head of the table while Madam sat at the other side.

“My beautiful babies, I am so glad we all got a chance to do lunch. I know your schedules have been rather hectic lately. I’m thrilled that you were able to give Ysabelle such a warm welcome.”

I met all of the ladies one by one.

Victoria was a Russian beauty, light brown hair, baby blue eyes, petite nose, and pink pouty lips. Her accent was to die for. She was twenty-three and had been with VIP for two years.

Milania was Italian with long curly black hair, dark baby-doll brown eyes, strong cheekbones, and thin lips. She was twenty-one and had also been with VIP for two years.

Nicolette was Swedish with medium length platinum blonde hair, sea blue eyes, apple shaped face, and perfect straight teeth. She was twenty-two and had been with VIP for a year.

Louka was Hawaiian; long, straight brown hair, brown Asian eyes, slender nose, and smile to die for. She was twenty-three and had been with VIP for four years.

Tyra was African American with light brown skin, curly hair, honey colored eyes, oval shaped face, and plumper lips than mine. She was twenty and had been with VIP for two years.

Layla was a California native with dirty blonde hair, green eyes, prominent facial features, and thin lips. She was twenty-three and had been with VIP for three years.

And last but not least, the beautiful Brooke. She was twenty-two and had been with VIP for four years. She was the veteran of the group.

All the women varied with heights, sizes, and styles. They all had one thing in common though; they all exuded this confidence that you could feel just coming through the door, they wore their sexuality on their sleeves. Their demeanors, conversations, and mannerisms scream, “look at me!”

I quickly made friends with all the girls, I still hit it off the most with Brooke; maybe it’s because we shared something intimate or our personalities just clicked.

I felt like I was a part of something.

I felt like I had a family.

It felt like home.

 

 

I felt nails skim my chest. “Hey baby, wake up.” I moved my head to the sound of the voice. I opened my eyes to a pair of emerald green eyes, staring back at me.

Fuck…I did it again. I was officially done with Jack Daniels. I groaned and moved to get up, hoping this chick would take the hint and get the hell out of my apartment.

“I guess I wore you out, huh? I’ve been known to do that a time or two,” she laughed at herself and stretched her body, reminding me of a cat. I found a Tri Delta shirt and skirt on the floor and tossed them in her direction. She reached for them and started to dress. Thank God the girl could take a clue! That was why I slept with sorority chicks; no harm, no foul. They were looking for a good time, and all I wanted to do was come and get them the fuck out. I must have gotten pretty fucked up. I never let them stay the night.

“Well that was fun! I’m glad I finally got to experience Sebastian Vanwell, before you graduated. The gossip and rumors are true about you. I’ll report back that you were even better than what I’ve heard.” I smiled, what else was I supposed to do? Like I cared about what people said. I was graduating in a few months and all I wanted to do was start the next chapter of my life.

She finally left, and made sure to leave her name and phone number on my fridge. I tore it off and threw it in the garbage. The years were filled with nothing, just grief. I had fallen into a deep depression of booze and women, and I thanked my lucky stars that I didn’t fuck up school and was graduating in the spring.

I got ready and headed out to the gym. I became obsessed with working out. It was the only time I allowed my mind to wander. I can’t explain how much guilt and anger I held within. Some days it ate me up inside to the point where I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Other days I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I had successfully pushed away most of my loved ones, as much as I tried to push Julia away she wouldn’t let me. She called me at least once a day, sometimes I answered, most of the time it went to voicemail.

Speak of the devil; her ears must have been burning.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Sebastian Vanwell, what the hell? I have been calling you for the last week and have left voicemail after voicemail for you to call me back. I’ve been texting you like crazy. Have you even checked them? I could have been hurt or something. I mean what the fuck, Sebastian? You aren’t the only one that’s hurting…you’re so fucking selfish…God…I’m over your self-loathing bullshit. The anniversary of her death is tomorrow, you prick! I wanted to do something with you,” she took a deep breath.

“Ugh!! You know what? I don’t even want to talk to you anymore. If you want to live your life alone with no one around, Sebastian, be my fucking guest, because I’m done with you. You think for one second that Olivia would have wanted this to happen to you? I mean, do you think that she would have been happy that I’ve barely seen or heard from you these last three years? You’re disgracing yourself, her, and me! YOU ASSHOLE!”

Click, I heard the dial tone. I threw the phone to the passenger seat and veered off to the next bar.

Walking in and taking a seat, I told the bartender, “JD on the rocks please and keep them coming.”

If I didn’t feel like a fuck up enough, that was just the icing on the cake. Julia was right. I had been the worst friend to her those last few years. It was the time that she needed me the most and I completely fucked it up. I was so lost…I didn’t know which way was up or which way was down. I failed two of the people I loved most in this world. I couldn’t help them and I couldn’t help myself.

The only thing I knew what to do to forget, was to drink myself into a stupor. It made everything go away. If I could start all over I would take everything back and Olivia would still be here, nothing would have changed. The pain I felt was overwhelming. How did I let go? How did I forgive myself? How did I go on? I had no idea how to answer any of this. I resented all of my actions, my deceit; everything. How did I make amends with someone who is no longer here? All these unanswered questions…

Her death haunted me every day. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I pictured that silver coffin being lowered below the dirt. I saw that stupid fucking box in that long thin room, being displayed for everyone to see. FUCK. I hated it. I couldn’t let go. I hurt her. Why didn’t I just do what I felt? Why did this shit have to even happen?

Goddamn it…she should have still been here. She should have been enjoying her college years.

“Buddy, you sure you want another? I can call you a cab. Your car is safe here overnight. You’ve been here all day. I think it’s time to call it quits.” The bartender leaned over the bar and asked.

I laughed. “Like you know a damn thing about me…buddy.”

“You’re right man, I don’t. What I do know is that drinking yourself into a coma isn’t going to change anything.”

I snorted. “I want another,” I assured him. I wasn’t ready to quit. I could still feel the pain. I needed it to stop.

“Hey! I get it.” His statement caused me to look up at him.

“Look how bad I feel! See how I'm suffering! I'm pitiful! I'm pathetic! I’m punishing myself, can’t you see!” he said, waving his hands around in the air.

“Everybody goes through pain man…life is never going to be completely positive. It's never going to rain gummy bears, gumdrops, or skittles. Keep your mouth open anyway, and embrace those moments in the rain...at one point you just have to click reset.” He walked away from me. “I’m calling you a cab.”

I heard my phone ding with a text message. I fetched it out of my pocket to see Julia’s face. I opened it up and read.

 

“I love you, Sebby.”  

 

A moment of clarity…that’s all it took for me. I can’t even explain it. I saw the text message, I knew it was Julia’s face, I read the words from Julia, but it’s what I heard that sent chills through my spine.

Through my years of discontent and despair I had forgotten a number of things. Mostly things about Olivia, I couldn’t remember what she sounded like anymore. Her voice wasn’t clear to me.

It was one of those things that you start to realize when you lose someone you love. I couldn’t remember the smell of her shampoo, the taste of her lip gloss, the sound of her laugh, the look in her eyes when she stared at me from across a room full of people; and I couldn’t hear the distinguished sound of her voice.

I heard it that night.

I heard her plain as day.

It was instant, the exact same moment that I read the text message from Julia.

“Go.”

That’s all it took, I paid my bill and went to the waiting cab outside the door. “Take me to the airport,” I ordered the cab driver.

I had no clue what was going through my mind as I stared out into the dark night through the plane’s window. I sat by an older lady who clutched a big gray bag in her lap.

“You going home or away from home?” she asked.

“Home,” I smiled, saying the word. I was going home. I turned back to the window, not trying to be rude, just wanting to let her know that I wasn’t really interested in conversation at the time. I had too much on my mind.

“You know, owning your burdens is half the battle,” she spoke again.

“Excuse me?”

“You seem to be carrying a heavy heart.”

“You might say that,” I smiled.

“Love?”

“You might say that too.”

“Are you going home to her now?”

“If she’ll have me. I’ve been pretty shitty to her, excuse me,” I said, catching my language.

“You can say shitty. Why have you not treated her well?”

“Um, it’s a long story.”

“We have three hours.”

“Okay…she lost her sister and I lost the love of my life. I’m afraid of never having that again.” What? Why the fuck was I telling this lady anything, let alone that. I had to still be drunk.

“You were in love with the sister and now you’re in love with the one that remains?”

“It’s complicated,” I said a little smoother than I probably should have.

“I can keep up. Do you love her or are you doing this as an obligation.”

“I do love her. I have loved her since the day she was born. We grew up together.”

“You loved…what’s the other girl’s name?”

“Her name was Olivia.”

“And the sister that you’re going home to?”

“Julia.”

“You love Julia, you just don’t love her the way that you loved Olivia?”

“No, I mean, yes, I do love Julia. I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing. I just know that I have to try. I have loved these two girls before I even knew what the word meant. I had lost myself along the way these last few years and I need Julia. For the first time in a long time, thinking about her makes me feel whole again. If that makes any sense at all,” I staggered.

I didn’t want to talk to this lady about my relationship with my girls. I did. I poured it all out to her. She listened to me confess my deepest, darkest secrets. Every last one of them. She knew about Olivia and me sneaking around to keep from hurting Julia. She knew the burden I carried about being responsible for Olivia’s death. I spilled my heart and soul to the total stranger heading to Florida to see her sister.

She touched my arm as we exited the plane and left me with this.

“The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself.”

I placed my hand over hers.

“Thank you.” She knew what I was thanking her for, she was one of those people that you just never forget, and I didn’t even know her name.

I took a cab to Julia’s apartment, ran up the steps and pounded frantically on Julia’s door. I knew she was sleeping. I knew it was late, I couldn’t stop. I had to do it, right that second.

“Sebby? What the hell are you doing?” Julia asked, opening the door. The expression on her face is a look that I will never forget. The sight of her was breathtaking.

She was the light in my darkness. She always was. I was just too stupid to realize it. I cupped the sides of her face and kissed her with as much love as I could invoke.

“I love you, Babygirl. I love you so fucking much. I’m so sorry.”

“Sebastian, what are you talking about? You’re drunk. You smell horrible.”

“I’m not drunk, Jules. I’m here right now, telling you that I love you. I want you. I want you to love me back.”

I watched her take the back of her hand, trying to wipe away the tear. It was a happy tear, I could tell.

“Tell me you want me. Tell me that you love me as much as I love you.”

“You know I do, Sebby. You know I always have.”

I had no intentions whatsoever in touching her that night. I grabbed a shower and walked out seeing her long blonde hair flowing around her face. She had one knee pulled to her chest as she watched me from the bed, just as intently as I watched her. I crawled in beside her and she laid down, placing her hand on my cheek. She smiled as I kissed the inside of her wrist.

“I love you, Babygirl,” I whispered as I moved closer to her lips. Her hands twirled in my hair and she moaned. Her lips felt silky and her skin smooth. Her tongue slipped into my mouth as I gently rolled her over, trying my best to show her that I loved her with my eyes, my touch, and my kisses. We explored each other’s bodies for the first time. We touched, sucked, and licked every corner and crevice. Nothing went uncharted.

We made love that night.

I clicked reset. I was home.