I can’t believe how fast the months went by. When you’re younger all you want is for time to go by as fast as possible, you want to grow up, be an adult, and do all the things you weren’t allowed to do as a child. Well…I’m finally there. I’m an adult, about to embark on my four-year journey at a university. I had my pick of the litter when deciding which institution I wanted to attend. I ultimately decided to follow my father’s Alma Mater and go to NYU, home of the Bobcats.

My parents were the proudest that I had ever seen them on my graduation day. I graduated Cum Laude with honors. I couldn’t help but smile as my mother bragged about my accomplishments at my party, later that evening. There were so many people, more than I had expected. I couldn’t wait to dig into the massive amount of cards placed in the box, full of money I was sure.

I glanced over to Olivia throughout the day, retrieving a smile every time she saw me look at her. I can’t really describe the smile. I guess it was a proud, yet sad smile. I hated the strain and distance that had settled between us. As my mother, along with Julia’s, and a few of my aunts started to clean up, I realized that I hadn’t seen Oli in quite some time, at least an hour or so.

“Hey, Mom, is it okay if I take off for a while?” I asked. The party had pretty much broken up, so I knew I wasn’t being rude by disappearing. I had other things on my mind. I needed to set things straight. I didn’t want to go off to school leaving things the way they were. Of course, my mother dismissed me with a kiss right smack on the lips and another comment about how proud of me she was.

Thirty minutes later, I approached our waterhole. Parking my truck and walking the path, I see Olivia before she sees me. She was sitting on a blanket, aimlessly looking out at the water; her hair wildly blew in the wind, and the moonlight glow made her look translucent.

“It didn’t take long for you to find me,” she whispered.

“Yeah, for some reason I knew you would be here. God, I forgot how stunning this place was at night. When was the last time we were all here?”

“I’m here all the time.”

“I didn’t know that.” I should have known that. I’m saddened by that fact that we aren’t close anymore, that we haven’t been close in a long time.

I hadn’t realized that I moved until I was sitting next to her. She didn’t acknowledge me at first, and then I felt her head lean onto my shoulder, my arm instantly went around her tiny frame. We sat like that for I don’t know how long, just enjoying the peace, quiet, and the tranquility of each other. I was too afraid to speak. I knew I had no words to express how much I was going to miss her. There is so much that I wanted to say and so much I needed for her to hear. I was too much of a coward to say any of it, and too concerned with my devotion to Julia. Nothing would be said, and I would take that regret with me to New York.

“Oli…I-” I tried to speak. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say; I had to say something. I had to get her to understand how much I loved her. In the same sense, she had to know that we weren’t going to be together. We just couldn’t. I was hurting both my girls, and I hated it.

“Shhh, Sebby, there’s nothing you can say that I don’t already know,” she quietly stopped me, placing her finger over my lips.

I attentively watched as she came to her knees and slowly lifted her dress to her thighs, moving it higher and higher until she was left in her bra and panties. I knew where this was going. I also knew that I wasn’t strong enough to say no. I didn’t want to say no. I wanted her. Never letting my eyes leave hers, I placed my fingers around the elastic on her panties and pulled her to me.

I could sense her nervousness and knew at that moment, without asking, that she still had not lost her virginity. I took a deep breath, wrapped my arms around her waist, and rested my head on her stomach. She ran her fingers through my hair in a comforting gesture. I don’t know what the hell I was feeling. I loved her so much and she felt so good in my arms.

Most guys like accepting that trophy, not me. I never wanted to be responsible for taking that from any girl, however, I couldn’t help the satisfying emotion of being her first. I vaguely felt her shake. I smiled and kissed her bellybutton, feeling the intake of a deep breath. I could tell that it was one of those breaths that you take when you’re so emotionally charged that you can’t help it. Her nervous breaths provoked me to want to kiss her lower. I didn’t; I needed to take it slow, for her.

I looked up to her closed eyes. The tip of her tongue peeked out between her lips; it was the sexiest, most innocent, look I had ever seen. I took it as an invitation and moved up her body. I softly bit down on her tongue, causing her eyes to open. I gradually took her tongue and started lightly sucking on it as our eyes stayed in a trance, locked on each other’s. There was so much emotion in her eyes, they told me everything. She wanted me, as much as I wanted her.             

“Sebby…” she panted between kisses.

“Hmmm…”

“I want to touch you.”

I urgently pulled the sides of her face, kissing her more aggressively than before. I knew that I needed to slow down for her, damn, I couldn’t help it. I wanted her so much. All the buildup of years of anticipation, longing, and desire that I had kept safely bottled up was at the surface. It was more than I could have ever imagined.

Her delicate fingers moved down my shirt, releasing each button in a slow torturous motion. She opened my shirt and slid it from my shoulders. I slid it down my arms, removing it completely. I watched her eyes when she broke our kiss, they moved down my bare chest. I held in my breath. Her hands traced my pecs and moved down to the contours of my abs. Allie had touched me there, several times; this was different, this was so expressive, emotional, and loving; this was Olivia. 

“I feel like I’m seeing you for the first time,” she whispered hot words to the corner of my mouth.

“I can’t say the same, Oli, I’ve been looking at you since I was twelve.” Her giggles were contagious and I found myself laughing too.

“I’m nervous…I don’t want to be. I want this to be good for you. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing,” she admitted. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you want.”

What a loaded question. Don’t be a selfish guy, Sebastian. Don’t be a selfish guy, Sebastian, I repeated to myself over and over.

I pulled her back into one last kiss before I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to see her naked. It wasn’t a want, it was a need.

“God, Oli, I really want to take this nice and slow for you, I don’t know if I’m going to be patient enough. I’m dying to get you naked and wet.” Even with the cast of the moonlight I could tell that she was blushing.

“I’m going to take off your bra and then your panties, okay?” She nodded as I pressed my body to hers, forcing her to lie down.

I unclasped her bra and removed it, letting it fall to the ground. I took a second to appreciate the beauty that is Olivia. Her breasts were round and perky, larger than they looked in a bikini. Her nipples were hard, tan pebbles, begging to be sucked. I softly took her nipple into my mouth, as a satisfied moan escaped from my throat. I was taking Olivia. I was making her mine. I didn’t want to think about tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. I wanted to live that moment forever. She was mine. Olivia was mine.

“God, Sebastian…that feels incredible, don’t stop.” I didn’t recognize her voice. All I could hear was desire, as I fondled her breasts and caressed her nipple with the palm of my hand in a back and forth motion. Nothing could have prepared me for this moment. Her panting and moaning beneath me would be forever entrenched in my mind.

“Olivia…” I whispered. I knew this was going to hurt her. I wanted her to at least experience some pleasure before I took mine. I placed my hand on her pussy and she immediately pushed into my palm.

“Play with me, Sebastian.” I didn’t think it was possible, but my dick had just gone from hard to harder.

She felt even better than I had imagined in my mind so many times. I stroked her more aggressively than I had planned to. I couldn’t help it. Fuck…I am human, and of the male species.

“Shit, baby, you’re so wet. Have you ever made yourself come?” I just had to know.

“No…I’ve…oh God…tried…” she panted breathlessly. “Right there…couldn’t get there.” I removed my hand and she groaned in protest. “No, don’t stop…please don’t stop…”

I grabbed her panties and slid them off.

“Oh fuck, you shave completely.” I closed my eyes, trying to regain any ounce of willpower.

She giggled, “I’m a swimmer,” she explained as her fingers skimmed across my face.

“Sebastian…are you all right?”

Trying to maintain my composure, I grabbed the back of her neck and brought my lips down to meet hers. I crushed her mouth urgently and forcefully. I couldn’t talk; if I did, I was going to lose it. I just needed her embrace. My lips moved on their own accord. I no longer had control over my movements. I kissed her jaw line, her neck, and deliberately made my way to where I wanted to be most; her weeping core.

Her breathing escalated as soon as she realized what I was about to do. She encouraged me, bucking her hips forward. I took it as another open invitation, and plunged my tongue from her opening to the top of her clit. She instantaneously arched her back and breathed out my name. “Sebastian…” I will never forget the raspy way she said my name. It was full of emotion, mixed with pure lust. That was all it took for me to go wild. I ate her pussy like it was the last meal that I would ever eat. I ate like a starving man who had finally found food.

I used every technique I knew, to find out what she wanted the most. Olivia liked it rough. I learned this from her treacherous whimpers and moans. Her reactions encouraged me to suck on her clit vigorously. I took the opportunity to try to stretch her. I inserted one finger and could feel her body tighten. Shit. I was fucked. She was so tight. She gripped my finger like a vise. I thought I was going to come before I ever got inside.

“Baby…you’re so tight. Tell me if I’m hurting you.”

I removed my finger, replacing it as far as I could with my tongue. She was close to losing control, and if I didn’t get my shit together, I was going to lose it with her.

“Sebastian…I-I-I…” she repeated over and over.

I sucked her clit and moved my head in a side-to-side motion. That was it. She was spent. She trembled, opened her legs more, and pulled my hair like she was trying to rip it out. I started to taste more of her juices, as her body continued to spasm and she called out, screaming my name.

“Shhhh…” I beckoned as she rode out her orgasm and I licked her clean.

“Oh my God…oh my God…Sebastian…I feel like Jell-O,” she chuckled. I laughed. Only Olivia would mention Jell-O at a time like this. I wiped some of her juices from my mouth as she took my hand to bring me to her.

We attentively stared into each other’s eyes. In that moment, there was no need for words to know what we were each feeling. It was some sort of connection, a link that had always been there, and as much as we tried to avoid it, we couldn’t. The laws of attraction had found their way to us. I had no idea how I was going to let her go.

Olivia leaned toward me. I parted my lips, expecting her to kiss me. She didn’t. She ran her tongue along the outside of my mouth, licking herself from my lips.

“Pretty girl, you’re a little vixen,” I accused, feeling her smile on my lips.

“I was curious…you seemed to like it. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.”

Before I could respond, her tongue glided around my lips as she plunged into my mouth. She reached for my belt and unbuttoned my slacks. I moved between her legs, and was overwhelmed at how unbelievable she felt beneath my body. I had never been so content in my life. I felt her fingers touch the head of my dick and I uncontrollably moaned in her mouth.             

“Olivia…” I whispered in between kisses. “I need to grab a condom from my wallet.”

“You don’t need it. I’m on the pill,” she replied.

I stopped kissing her.

“What?”

She laughed. “No…not because of that, Sebastian, because I have really bad cramps.”

“Do you not want to use one?” I asked.

“I trust you,” she assured me as she kissed me again. I checked to make sure she was still wet. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her even more. “Is it going to hurt?” she asked as if she was reading my mind.

“You’re the only virgin I’ve been with. I don’t know how much it’s going to hurt; I know it will probably be uncomfortable.”

I began to kiss her as I positioned myself at her opening. I lightly pressed into her, stopping once the head was in. I could feel her uncomfortable movements, and knew it was only going to get worse. I inched in a little more. She stopped kissing me to hide her face in the crook of my neck. I knew had I been able to see her eyes, they’d be tightly squeezed shut, waiting for the unknown.

“I know, Oli…do you want me to stop?” I asked.

She shook her head and I moved in until I felt the barrier. “Just a little bit more, I’m almost there. This is going to be the worst of it,” I explained and pushed through it, feeling the pop. Olivia painfully groaned.

“Are you okay?”

“Mmm hmm,” she replied.

I retracted slightly and moved back in, instantly noticing that she was a lot wetter. I slowly moved in and out until I was completely sunk. She moved her face to the side and I took the opportunity to kiss and suck on her neck.

“Does it feel better?”

“Mmm hmm,” I was starting to worry about not getting a response from her, other than the hums of her letting me know that she was okay. I needed her to be okay. I wanted this to be as memorable for her as it was for me. 

“Tell me, if I’m hurting you, or if you want me to go slower or faster…just tell me something,” I begged.

“Just keep doing what you’re doing. It doesn’t hurt as bad.”

With that, I started moving. I couldn’t believe how fucking tight she felt. Her pussy gripped my cock like a glove. I’ve never had sex without a condom; I could sense the fact that I was about to explode. My tempo increased as I became rougher with her, I couldn’t help it. She felt too fucking amazing. Olivia’s expression was a mix of pain and pleasure. I surrounded her face with my arms and roughly thrust into her a few more times before I was close.

“Oh…God, you feel so fucking good…I’m going to come,” I grunted. She moaned and that was my undoing. I ejected my load deep inside her.

Coming down from the most intense orgasm I have ever had, I felt like I had just run a marathon. My heart was beating out of my chest. I could feel every movement. Our bodies stuck together, covered in sweat. I buried my face into her neck and hair, and kissed her rapidly beating pulse.

I exhaled a deep breath. “I’m so sorry if I hurt you.”

“I’m fine, Sebby…that was-I-I-have no words for what that was…I love you, Sebastian,” she softly spoke.

 “I love you, Olivia,” I replied with not only the words she was hoping for, but the words that I felt deep in my soul.

Walking away from her was the hardest thing I have ever faced. We both deserved more. I had to. I knew Julia’s feelings for me. I guess I had known for a long time. I couldn’t do that to her, and I wasn’t about to come between Olivia and Julia. No way. They loved each other too much for that.

I did what I had to do. I walked away. I walked away from Olivia; my Olivia. The Olivia that made me feel like no other girl would ever do again. Not even Julia. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Julia too. I did. I would take a bullet for her and kill any mother fucker that ever hurt her in a heartbeat. It just wasn’t the same kind of love. We had a connection, it wasn’t the intense, searing in emotion kind of connection, that Olivia and I shared. It was what it was and I couldn’t change it.

All we have ever shared were stolen moments.

 

Summer went by excruciatingly fast. I had spent most of my time with my girls. Olivia and I seemed to be getting back on track, at least it was that way with our friendship. As far as anything else, nothing had happened since that night at the waterhole.

We all knew that I would be leaving at the end of the summer and none of us discussed it. We just spent every waking moment together, it was the same, just different. I couldn’t explain it, we weren’t kids anymore. I was going to be nineteen and the girls seventeen. I had known Julia for seventeen years, and Oli for seven. We had been through several ups and downs, especially in the last few years.

Being able to share my last summer with them, is something that I still hold dear to my heart. There was no drama, issues, or problems. We were just the trio that we always were. I’m grateful I got the opportunity to experience that with them again, before heading off into the real world.

I was definitely nervous; I had never been away from home longer than a week. I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted to make my parents proud of me; I think that was the biggest influence for me choosing to go to my father’s school. I also wanted to experience something different, just to say that I did. Even if I ended up back in Miami, I could say that I got to live in New York.

I knew it was going to be devastating for my girls and I. They were a huge factor in my decision. I didn’t want to leave them. However, part of me felt like it would do us some good, like maybe things could change when I came back or something.

I don’t know what I was thinking or hoping for, I guess I thought we would be older and things wouldn’t be so hard and confusing for any of us, like time could magically make everything all right, whether that be Olivia and I being together or accepting the fact that we never would.

We were watching a movie in my room on my last night, we were all laying in my bed with me at the end and the girls against the headboard. Oli was dozing off and she excused herself and told me she would come over in the morning to say goodbye. Julia told her she would be home after the movie was over.

As soon as Olivia left, I caught Julia looking over at me.

“What?” I asked, looking over at her.

“Nothing.”

“Oh come on, Babygirl, you know that shit doesn’t work on me. Now tell me or I’ll tickle you till you do,” she laughed while hiding her feet under the covers.

“Nothing…” she urged.

“You’re going to make me do it aren’t you? You have three seconds before I come over there,” I warned, starting to sit up.

“One…”

“Sebastian…it’s nothing.”

“Two…”

“Are you being serious?”

“Two and a half…”

“Fine!” she yelled out and sighed, “I don’t want you to go.”

“Babygirl…it’s a little late for that,” I explained.

“You never asked me how I felt about it. Don’t you think you should have at least asked me? I would have asked you.” I looked at her while I started to scratch my head.

“I mean, we’ve done everything together, Sebby. Now you’re leaving me,” she whispered.

“You know that’s not true. I could never leave you, you’re too important to me. I’m just going to try out something new.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why do you need to try out something new, Sebby? Why can't I be enough?

Why have I never been enough for you?” she stammered.

“Where is this coming from, Babygirl? You are enough, you mean the world to me, you know that,” I stammered. Great, it was like déjà vu. I had already heard this once, from Oli mere months ago. I mean, I knew how Julia felt, well, I thought I did, to hear her say it was a whole other ballgame. One that I wasn't sure I wanted to play. What the hell was I supposed to say?

“Sebby…Can we talk?”

“We are talking.”

“No…I mean really talk,” she suggested.

“Isn’t that what we always do?”

“Ugh…fine. Just listen, can you do that?”

“Mmm hmm,” I said, nodding.

“We have known each other our whole lives. We have engaged in endless amounts of conversation. This needs to mean something. I need you to know before you leave that you mean something to me. You always have.”

“Okay…”

“Will there ever be a time for us?”

“Babygirl…what are you asking me?”

“I’m asking if there will ever be more to us than what we have now. I love you, you’re my best friend, and I want you to know that you mean more to me.”

“I do know that, and you know I feel the same way. You've always been that for me. You're always going to be in my life and nothing will ever change that. You’re my Babygirl, you always will be. Nobody will ever be able to take that away from me.”

“Sebastian, I don’t think you’re understanding what I am saying. I’m saying I want to be the one. The one for you.”

“Babygirl, you’re too young to even be thinking like that. You have so much more life to live. The second you start college, some hot guy is going to sweep you off your feet; he will have to get my approval first, though.” I tried to make her laugh but she wasn’t even smiling.

“Will you be honest with me?” she cautioned.

“Of course.”

“If I were Oli, would you have said the same thing?” she asked while avoiding eye contact with me.

“What? Where is this coming from?”

“Just answer the question. Please, you owe me that much. If Oli were sitting here saying this to you, would you have told her the same thing?”

“It’s different with both of you. I can’t begin to express how much I love both of you. You have been my everything since the day you were born. It doesn’t matter who has come or will come into the picture. You will always be that to me,” I reaffirmed, grabbing her chin to look at her. “You’re beautiful to me inside and out. I could never imagine my life without you in it. The way things are with Oli is different. I can’t lie to you and say that I love you both in the same way, I don’t. Although, don’t for one second think that I love her more than you, it’s complicated.”

Nodding, she hesitated to say what was on her mind, “Sebby, I know that things have changed over the years with all of us. We’ve all grown up and matured in different ways. I need to know that you’ll always be mine. I love Oli; please believe me when I say that. However, I can’t imagine anything more between you and her than what already exists.”

My head was throbbing with this conversation. I didn’t think that Julia would throw me an ultimatum. That’s what she was doing, right? Giving me a choice? What the fuck do I even say to that?

“You’re both going to find someone that makes you happy, and if they love you even half as much as I do, it will make me a happy man. It doesn’t matter where you or I end up, it will never change the fact that you’re a part of me. Who knows…maybe you’ll make me the Man of Honor at your wedding, because I most definitely deserve it.”              

That one won me a smile, if I was being completely honest with myself, it gave me more of a migraine to think about Oli being with someone else. I was fucked. She would be devastated if anything were to happen with Oli and I. I couldn’t do that to her. That was her sister, and I was her best friend, it would have been double the agony. We both would have lost her.

We finished watching the movie and Julia went home. I stayed up all night thinking about the consequences of what would happen if Julia ever found out about Oli and me. It would crush her.

I wished that things could have been different. I wanted nothing more than to see what would happen if I were given the opportunity to explore things further with Olivia. It was devastating to know that I couldn’t allow that to happen, for all of our sakes. I wasn’t just thinking about myself, it was for all of us. Our lives and friendships would be ruined.

I meant every word I said to Julia, she couldn’t not be in my life. She was a part of me.

I learned in that moment that you can’t always have what you want, and you just have to hope that everything works out for the best.

The next morning, I woke up and said goodbye to my girls.