I walked around my condo in a haze of emotional exhaustion for the next few days. Grey Goose and I had become BFF’s. I knew what I had to do; I was just trying to get up the nerve to actually do it. I appreciated all that Madam had done for me. I really don't know where I would have been without her. This wasn't about her. It was about me.
If I was ever going to feel any self worth whatsoever, I had to do it. It was frightening and I wasn't sure where to go. Hell, I wasn't even sure who the hell Ysabelle even was without men. Finally, when I woke on Wednesday morning, I jumped out of bed, walked Chance, dressed, and went straight to my car.
I drove to Madam’s and took a deep breath before making my way to her office where I knew she would be. It was interesting to think that this was the room that it all started, and now I was here to end it; I had come full circle.
Madam greeted me like she always had.
“We need to talk,” I cautioned as she kissed my cheek.
“And what about, darling?”
I moved to sit on the couch. It was the very same one where I had shared my first experience with a woman. She followed me, placing her hands in her lap.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I spoke.
“Do what, Bella Rosa?”
“I can’t be a VIP,” I quickly stated before I lost the nerve.
She nodded, “And why is that? For the married man?”
“No, for me. That’s over. I appreciate everything that you have ever done for me. I’m not the same person anymore. I don’t know when it happened but I’ve changed. I don’t need or want the same things that I used to. I hope you can understand that.”
“And what is it exactly that you’re going to do now?” she sarcastically questioned.
“I’m not quite sure, I’m going to travel for a while. It’s amazing that I’ve been almost everywhere around the world and I never really took it in. I’d like to do that now,” I explained.
“All right. So you will do a little sabbatical and once you’re done, you’ll come home.”
“I don’t think so. Better yet, I know I won’t.”
“Ysabelle, I’ve been doing this a very long time. You’ll come back, you’ll get bored, you’ll need excitement; you’ll be back. Women like us are made like that, it doesn’t just stop because you want it to, it’s in our blood,” she stated.
“I want more, Madam, I want it all.”
She chuckled, “You want the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and the husband. Jesus Christ, Ysabelle, have you learned nothing these last few years? I mean how many married men have you been with? Have you ever seen a happy marriage?”
“What happened to you? What happened to make you this way?”
“Oh…now we’re sharing sob stories? Nothing has happened to me, I’m a fucking realist. This is the real world, Ysabelle, I showed it to you.”
I put my hand on my chest, “Oh my God, you knew?” I affirmed. “You knew what Slavic was going to do. You set me up.”
She rolled her eyes and moved back to her desk.
“Why?” I demanded.
“You’re acting like a spoiled child, you’ve learned nothing.
“Were you trying to punish me?”
“I’ve told you since day one not to fuck with me or my business. You think I wanted it to come to this? You were my favorite and you repay me with letting all of it go for love. Well, Ysabelle, how’d that work out for you? Was it worth it?”
I hesitated a moment taking in her hurtful words. “Yes, it was. I learned the meaning of my self-worth. I’m better than this, Madam, I know that now.”
“You’ll be back, they always come back.”
“I’m not doing this out of spite, Madam, I can’t sell myself anymore. I’m thankful for everything that you did for me, because I would be nowhere without you. You gave me what I needed, but I’m done with it. It’s time for me to try something else. Please understand that?”
She deeply sighed. “You will always have a family here, Bella Rosa. I will help you in any way that I can.” Even though she was saying the words, I knew she truly didn’t mean them, at least not yet. I would give her time to accept my decision.
I smiled, “Thank you.”
I hugged and kissed her goodbye. I walked out of that house and knew that it was going to be for the last time.
It didn’t take me long to get all my belongings in order and truthfully, I wasn’t taking much with me. I filled three suitcases full of things that I needed. I left behind the gowns, the $3,000 shoes, the purses, and the endless amounts of diamonds and jewelry I had acquired over the years. I didn’t want any of it.
I packed what I thought would work for my new lifestyle. I was done being the made up version of myself, I wanted to be normal, and I wanted to fit in. I didn’t need the glitz and the glamour anymore. If I was being honest, I never felt like it was really me.
I had no idea who I was and I was hoping that I would find out. Eventually, I hoped I could look in the mirror again and not feel shame, guilt, or remorse. I didn’t know if I even knew what happiness meant. I was sure as hell going to try to find it now.
To say that I stopped loving and thinking about Sebastian would have been a lie. I thought about him every day, it had been a month since I had seen him but it felt like years. Do I regret meeting him and being with him…absolutely not. In a very fucked up way, Sebastian saved me from myself. He showed me what it was to love and I hadn’t ever thought that was possible for me.
Even though our affair was ridiculous, he cared about me. I’m not blind and I know it was there. It was a screwed up situation for everyone involved. I wished him the best and I hoped that it would work out with his family because that’s where he belonged. He was never mine, and I was never his; we lived in a delusional state of mind where we both thought it could work.
In the back of my mind, I knew it was only a matter of time until the shit hit the proverbial fan. All good things must come to an end…and good things come to those who wait, right? Well I was done waiting, I was going after my new happiness. It was Chance and I now. As I walked out the door of my condo, I looked back, taking it all in. I was really doing this.
I put all my belongings in my car with Chance and made my way to one last stop.
I checked my phone as I heard it ping with a text message.
B – I always knew you weren’t a lifer.
Y – Madam upset?
B – She will get over it. You will always be one of us, Bella, you’re welcome home anytime.
Y – I will keep in touch.
B – You better. Be safe and take care. I <3 you.
Y– XO
I walked into the bar and found a smiling Devon holding his baby boy.
“Hey, Kid,” he said.
“You have baby in a bar,” I laughed.
He rocked the baby back and forth, “Yeah…we’re closed, and I’m starting him young.”
“You look really good holding that baby, Devon; fatherhood suits you,” I said while sitting on the barstool.
“Well, you should have walked in ten minutes ago, I had spit up and puke all down my shirt. It was a sight I’m sure,” he smirked. “So to what do I owe the honor of your presence, Kid?”
“I came to say hello…and goodbye,” I stated.
He looked confused, “Goodbye?”
“Yeah…I’m going to get this show on the road. Miami turned out to be too much for me, I think. I’m going to try something different. I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to you.”
“Are you being serious? You’re joking, right?” he questioned, laying his baby in the car seat and walking around the bar to me.
“I’m dead serious,” I said as he sat down.
He cocked his head to the side, “Why? I don’t understand.”
“I don’t really understand either, you know me, Devon, I’m like a bird, I need to fly and stretch my wings. I’ll keep in touch, I promise.”
“Where are you headed?”
“Not quite sure, I’m going to travel for a bit and figure it out,” I confirmed.
“Wow…I don’t even know what to say. I’m going to miss you, Kid. What am I going to do without you?”
I chuckled, “You’re going to be an amazing husband and father, like I have no doubt you will be.”
He sighed, accepting my answer and leaned over the counter to grab two shot glasses and a bottle of Patrón.
“One for the road, for old time’s sake.”
“You know it.”
He poured the shots and we clinked our glasses, “To moving forward,” he cheered.
“I gotta get going, I’m going to miss my flight,” I stated, standing up before this turned too emotional.
“It’s because of him isn’t it? The asshole,” he asked and I shrugged.
He pulled me into the deepest and most genuine hug, and finally after what seemed like an eternity, kissed my forehead and let me go.
We were both a bit teary eyed, “Shit…look at us…I’ll see you again, Devon, I promise,” I reassured him.
“I know,” he nodded.
I squeezed his hand and smiled, I walked toward the door and just as I was opening it, I turned around.
“Devon…” I said, making him turn to face me.
“Yeah, Kid?” he answered.
“Thank you for everything. And even though I’ve never said it, you know I love you, right?” It was the first time the words “I love you” left my mouth, and I truly believed it.
He smiled, “I love you, too, Kid. Take care of yourself and call me as soon as you get settled.”
“Of course.”
I walked out of the bar and said goodbye to my past as I walked into my future.
“What the hell, Sebastian? Are you freaking kidding me? I love how important this is for you,” Julia yelled through the phone.
It wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t discarding our counseling appointment on purpose. I had no idea this client was going to buy today. It usually took at least two yacht tours to close a deal. He was ready the moment we stepped on board.
“How exactly would you like me to proceed, Julia? I’ll just walk up to him and say, ‘hey, sorry man. We’re going to have to do this some other time. I have to go to marriage counseling with my wife’?” I snapped right back.
“Yeah, Sebastian, you do that. Why don’t you tell him why we are even in marriage counseling to begin with?”
“This is never going to work like this. I can’t apologize any more than I already have. It’s been eight fucking months, Julia. I can’t take it back, and you can’t continue to throw it in my face or punish me for it.”
“You know what? Just forget it, Sebastian. I will see you at home. Are you getting Christian, or can you not find the time for him either?”
Oh, my fucking God. She was impossible. “I will get Christian,” I replied, hanging up before I said something that I would be apologizing for later. It seemed like that was all I was doing anymore. I couldn’t say anything without pissing her off. We were constantly at each other’s throats.
I made an amazing sale that day, wishing I had someone to celebrate it with. I did just that. I took my son to the park and celebrated with him. Julia was calling around 7 p.m. wanting to know where we were.
“Hey, Babygirl,” I answered, watching Christian run up the slide.
“Hey, Sebby. I’m sorry,” she apologized. “Where are you?”
“The park, celebrating my big sale today with Christian.”
“Come home and celebrate with me.”
“We’ll be there soon,” I promised with a deep sigh. I would go home, things would seem great, I’d make love to my wife, and start it all over the next morning, probably with an argument about something stupid. It had become our routine for the past eight months. It was exhausting.
I got home to find Julia making a cake in the kitchen. She had flour on her face and frosting on her lips, I laughed.
“Whatcha doing there, Babygirl?” I tempted her with a smile, walking over to her.
“Making my husband a cake. Want some?” she seductively asked, raising the spoon to my mouth. I licked it off and then leaned in to kiss the frosting off her, she tasted like vanilla, chocolate, and Julia.
“Hey! I want some too,” Christian exclaimed, trying to jump up to the counter. We laughed as I placed him on the counter. We spent the rest of the evening as a family, laughing, talking, and then we put Christian to bed. I stared at the ceiling fan waiting for Julia to come out of the shower.
We were both trying to get past my infidelity, trying to make it work, and to put the pieces back together that were scattered in the wind.
As much as both of us wanted to make it work, something was missing; I didn’t know if it had always been missing or we just seem to lose it along the way.
Julia came out wearing a sexy white negligée and the image of Ysabelle quickly went through my mind, I pushed it away as fast as it appeared. This occurrence happened often and I was an expert on trying to make it go away.
She seductively walked over to me and straddled my hips, I grabbed the back of her neck and brought her lips toward me. I kissed her with all the desire I could invoke; I wanted Julia to feel loved, to feel wanted. That’s what she repeatedly expressed to the counselor, and it was never my intention for her to feel unloved that way. This is where I could show her that I loved her, to make her feel secure. I knew Julia’s body better than she did.
I whispered that I loved her in her ear and made my way down to her neck, right near her collarbone where she enjoyed it the most. I pulled the lingerie over her head and flipped her over so that I was on top, I brought my mouth to her nipple and she moaned in delight. Her hands found my hair and she lightly tugged on it to provoke me even further.
My fingers found her moist entrance just waiting for me to please her. I pushed in lightly at first to gain a reaction, and she weakened beneath me.
“Does that feel good, Babygirl? Huh? Do you want me to stop?” I asked seductively.
She whimpered in response, Julia was never much of a talker and that also made me miss the familiarity of…STOP.
I pushed two fingers in and curved until I felt the rigid nerve endings of her g-spot. I pressed harder and harder until I felt her gripping around my fingers. Once I felt the wet warmth of her release, I kicked off my shorts and began to thrust into her.
“I want to be on top,” she stated. I flipped us over and placed my hands on her thighs. She started riding me hard and fast. I played with her clit and pushed up with my hips.
“Yes…Babygirl…ride my cock, just like that,” I encouraged her.
I felt myself starting to lose it and Julia was right there with me. When I felt her tighten around me, I let myself go, groaning while I came deep inside of her. She collapsed on top of me and I kissed all over her face. She half-heartedly smiled and gave me a quick kiss before curling up next me to lay her head on my shoulder; I wrapped my arm around her.
I could feel her thinking, “What is it, Babygirl?” I gathered.
“I never stopped taking birth control.” I attempted to move, “Don’t move. I’ll lose the courage if you move.”
I hesitated, “What are you talking about?”
“When we decided to try to have another baby, Sebastian, I never stopped taking birth control. I’m still taking it.”
“Julia?”
“I know what you’re going to say, it’s been years and I never stopped taking it. I just…I don’t even know, Sebby. I’ve wanted you for so long that I never stopped to think about what it was actually going to be like once you were mine, or what it was you wanted.”
“I want you, Julia. You know that. I love you,” I protested. I didn’t want her to feel this way. I did love her. It may not have been the way she wanted me to love her, but I did. I would die for her in a heartbeat.
“You never stopped taking the pill? I don’t get it, Jules.”
“Please, just let me talk, Sebastian. I love you more than anything in this world. I told myself every day that this was the last day that I would pop one in my mouth. The next morning it would happen again. It just never felt right.”
“You should have told me. All this time and nothing has happened, don’t you think that’s something we should have talked about?”
“Sebastian…it’s not working. We’re not working. And as much as I want to blame you for everything, I can’t…I don’t know if we were ever meant to be more. Like the fantasy of us is so much better than the reality.”
“Julia, what are you saying?”
She moved to look at me, “Sebastian, I have known you my entire life, and I know you like the back of my hand. You would never hurt me. I think we’ve been playing house for so long that we decided to carry that on as adults,” she anxiously laughed.
“There has always been something missing between you and I. I didn’t stop taking birth control because I knew it, I thought it would go away, and then your affair happened. I couldn’t help but think, ‘Thank God’. Jesus, I was relieved that it wasn’t just all in my head.”
I laid still, listening to Julia’s revelations about our marriage. I guess I was somewhat dumbfounded.
“You’ve never been with me one hundred percent, Sebby. You never looked at me the way you looked at Olivia. I guess I tried to put that to rest when we laid her to rest. Do you know when I realized it, Sebastian?”
I didn’t answer. She wasn’t asking for an answer. I continued to listen as my heart began to break into tiny little pieces. I hated that she felt this way, but she was right. I knew it, she knew it, and no matter how much I tried to deny it. It was fact.
“I realized it that night at The Gala, the way you looked at her. You looked at her with the same want and desire that you used to look at Olivia with. We’ve never had that, Sebby.”
She cupped the side of my face, “I think it’s time we both realize that it’s just not going to work. It doesn’t matter how much counseling we go to or how many babies we bring into the house, we’re not meant to be together. I never want you to not be in my life, Sebastian, but it’s time we both figure out what exactly it is that we’re doing,” she explained.
My mind was spinning “I have no idea what to even say, Julia, I-”
She put her finger to my lips, “You don’t have to say anything. It’s time, Sebastian.”
“I love you, Julia,” I whispered, saying the only thing that I could think of.
“I know you do, Sebastian, but sometimes that’s not enough,” she whispered back.
I nodded. I never in a million years thought this would be how we would end. Even when I was with Ysabelle, I never imagined that Julia and I would end. As much as I wanted to make it work, it was never going to. I needed to acknowledge that Julia also had reservations and that as much as we wanted to do the right thing, sometimes the right thing was just admitting defeat.
We cried, kissed, and made love one last time as husband and wife.
It took six months to finalize our divorce. We both agreed to joint custody, and sold all of our assets and split the earnings which took another four months. It had been a year since we decided to divorce; we agreed that someday, maybe we could work on our friendship, as of right now, we only spoke when it concerned Christian. All of it went pretty smoothly considering everything we had gone through.
I bought a 45 Cantius when I stopped living at The W. I rented the room Ysabelle and I shared for a couple months before deciding that I wanted to live on a yacht. I think I was punishing myself for everything I put everyone through. I hurt both women who I loved more than life itself. Being around the memories of Ysabelle both hurt and healed me. I can’t explain how it did, but it helped me move on from the past. I craved her more than ever now. I missed absolutely everything about her.
Once I moved into the yacht, Christian loved coming aboard and being my first mate. I spent a lot of time alone, reflecting. I hadn’t seen her in well over a year and a half, but not a day went by that I didn’t think about her. Being on the water daily made me think about her even more. I didn’t even notice that all the steps I took to move forward were all steps in her direction; everything I did to remind myself of what we had, of what I wanted more than anything.
I was done living for everyone else; I was never going to live in regret again. Before I even knew what I was doing, I found myself at the bar where we first talked.
The bartender who she addressed as Devon noticed me immediately as I sat at the barstool, “What can I get you?”
“Jack Daniels on the rocks and maybe some information,” I probed.
He nodded serving me my drink, “And what exactly do you think I can do for you?”
“I thought maybe you knew something about a friend of mine, someone I haven’t heard from or seen in quite some time,” I causally replied.
“Oh…Ysabelle?” he cautioned. “She’s not around anymore,” he nonchalantly stated while handing me my drink and sipped his own.
“What do you mean she’s not around?” What the fuck was he talking about?
“She left town over a year and a half ago. Probably closer to two years.” I sighed in disappointment. I finished my drink in one gulp, smiled, and left a $20 on the bar.
“You looking for her?” he asked as I was opening the door.
“Yeah, do you know where I could talk to her?” I questioned.
He nodded and I walked back to stand by the bar.
“What are your intentions? I love Ysabelle and from what I’ve heard, which is very little, you’re nothing but bad news. I don’t want her getting hurt more than she already has.”
“I never meant for anyone to get hurt. If you could tell me where I could reach her, I promise you, I’ll never hurt her again,” I affirmed.
He paused for a moment taking in everything I was saying, “Make sure of it.”
He handed me a business card. My heart sped up in fear, it was the second time a man had handed me a business card in reference to Ysabelle.
I looked at the card, “What is this?” I questioned, confused. It had her name above the title of a bar, and it said “owner”.
“It’s where you can find her, she lives in Turks and Caicos and owns that bar, Chances.”
I laughed, “She really did it.”
“One thing you need to know about Ysabelle, is that the woman will do anything she sets her mind to.”
“Thank you, you have no idea how much I appreciate it,” I said, extending out my right hand.
He shook it, “Prove it.”
I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, all I knew was that I had to try. I was turning the page to my new life, with the hope that she hadn’t already turned hers.