Junior
Junior’s finger hovered over the enter button. It had been for long seconds, unsure if he should send the email to Sam or not. Finally, he retrieved his hand and sat staring at the computer screen, disgusted with himself for being so weak. It was late on a Saturday night, and here he was sitting in front of his computer with nothing better to do. Sometimes he felt pathetic. Pushing away from the table he stood and paced the floor as he ran his hands through his hair. It had been a week since he received Sam’s email and its contents had run through his mind countless times. He sat back at the computer and read over what he wrote.
Dear Sam,
I’m sorry it has taken me this long to write back to you. I’m sure you have been wondering why. I guess I have no good answer to that other than I wasn’t sure what to say to what you wrote to me. I needed a little time to reflect on it.
I have to say right away that I have been missing you, too. More than you may realize or believe. I can’t stop thinking about you, to be honest. A day hasn’t gone by that you haven’t controlled my thoughts. I wonder day after day how you are doing and what you might be doing. I have wondered if you have been thinking about me, too. Obviously, you have been.
Yeah. I will never be able to forget that night in your apartment, either. I don’t have words to describe how you felt in my hands and how your eyes looked, but more importantly how it felt to finally kiss you. Do you even know how long I have wanted to do that? No, I guess you wouldn’t know the answer to that. Trust me, it’s been a long time.
Sam, I know you have been hurting for a long time. I won’t tell you in here or any other way that life won’t hurt you again, because that’s part of life unfortunately. You know that. You have seen more than your share of pain in a short amount of time. But, I can tell you that in no way will I ever hurt you, at least not on purpose. I can’t say I wouldn’t make mistakes, but I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you. Ever. Now I sound like I’m begging. I’ll stop.
As far as God is concerned I’m glad you have your beliefs and live for Him the way you do. To be honest I don’t think you would have become who you are or been able to get through your struggles without Him. So, I guess part of me is telling you that I believe in Him, too. I would be a fool not to. Do I live for Him the way you try to? I can’t lie. Not like I should, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not telling you that to make you feel good either. I’m telling the truth. We can talk more about faith and God on the phone or if you would like on Skype or something. I would like that. If you want to.
Well, I have written a book here it seems, so I’ll stop here. If you want to talk after reading this let me know. I miss you, Sam. I always have and I always will.
Love,
Junior
He sat and stared at the words in front of him. He knew they were good and heartfelt. He only hoped she took them for what they were and understood them. Once again, he let his finger pause above the button before pressing it. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. After a couple seconds, his finger pressed the send button and it was off into the techno world flying toward Sam.
As soon as he sent it he had doubts, but it was too late. There wasn’t anything he could do about it. He sighed, logged off the computer, and closed it. Pushing it away from him, he stood and went to get ready for bed. Once in bed he felt ashamed in a way for having such an incredibly boring life. What had it come to?
He was in his late twenties and single. All his life consisted of was work, working out at the gym, and staying home. His last surviving best friend, who he happened to be in love with, lived over a thousand miles away in Florida with no intention of being with him.
Lying on his back with his hands behind his head he stared at the ceiling. Broken shards of light splattered across the walls and danced on the ceiling as they found their way through the half-opened blinds. As he watched the light show he imagined Electric Light Orchestra playing along with it; he found that rather ironic.
He thought about his best friend Chris and how much he missed him. So often he thought about some of the things they would do together. The times they had laughed and times they had cried. Always being there for each other, like brothers.
He felt guilt about the feelings he had for Sam since Chris had been his best friend and Sam had been Chris’s wife. He was glad he never told anyone about his feelings before Chris’s death. It would have undoubtedly hurt their friendship. Since things had so tragically changed, Sam knew how Junior felt. His love for her had changed their relationship and not in the way he wanted. He was feeling powerless and he hated that feeling.
Finally, after being in his head for an hour he rolled over and tried to sleep. He hoped something would happen and soon. He wanted to either have her in his arms the way he dreamed or her telling him once and for all it would never happen. Either way, something needed to happen.
***
Sam
Midnight.
Sam was wide awake and looked at the clock, again, and saw the time had turned midnight. Where was her fairy Godmother? She laughed at her inner child and shook her head. Another Saturday night and spending it alone. Even though she had gotten used to it, it bothered her. Maybe it was because she didn’t have Tonya anymore. She felt lonely.
She poured herself a glass of water from a pitcher in the refrigerator and sat at the table. She needed to make some plans. Something concrete. Something that she could do to ease her mind and prevent herself from getting into a rut or a depression. So with a pen and her notebook she wrote at the top of the page and underlined
“Things to Do.”
Number one? What would it be? Go to the gym five days a week, no excuses. She wrote that down.
Number two?
Seconds turned into minutes. She could hear the ocean waves through her open window. Tapping her pen on the table, she struggled to think.
She couldn’t believe it. She was stumped on what else to do. She couldn’t even think of what to put down for her second thing to do. Yes, there were the normal basic things like grocery shopping and washing clothes and eating healthy, yada yada yada, but seriously?
She dropped the pen on the table in frustration and frowned at how her prospects looked. She wasn’t working. There wasn’t homework or school to look forward to. No friends to hang out with unless she wanted to chill out at the job she no longer had. She felt pitiful.
She decided to not fret out about it and go to bed. She wanted to go to church in the morning and if she didn’t want to nod off during the sermon she would need at least five hours of sleep. She shook her head and turned off the light, mumbling to herself as she went.
“I’m pitiful. Just pitiful.”
When she woke after only three hours of sleep, she groaned out loud, wishing for more. She tossed most of the night and wasn’t ready to get out of bed, but was determined. She needed God’s word and to be around others who wanted the same. She hadn’t been to church in a few weeks and she felt guilt building inside her. There was no way she was going to get in the habit of not going.
She drank a nuked cup of coffee and showered. Once she was completely ready she looked in the mirror and saw the bags beneath her eyes.
“Oh, you go girl. Awesomeness in all its glory.”
She normally didn’t like wearing a lot of makeup, but knew she needed it more than ever.
She walked out the door tired and already planned on a nap later, but excited about hearing God’s word. That was what she needed most and when she walked into the church she instantly felt revived.
She made it as the band started a guitar solo that ran into drums and harmony that sent shivers up her spine. She quickly chose a pew and was grinning from ear to ear as she clapped her hands to the beat. A message through song was filling the building and she couldn’t be happier right at that moment. She looked up at the ceiling and thanked God for getting her out of bed.
It was a beautiful day in every way imaginable when Sam walked out of the church that day. In only an hour she felt revived by not only the music and song, but by God’s word that the pastor blessed them with. Her heart and spirit felt better and in some way, she felt that things would be okay. She wasn’t certain about how or when or by what, but she believed.
Sam went to the mall to do a little shopping and got some lunch at a small café. As she ate her tuna Caesar salad, she thought again about the list she started the night before. It could be possible that God didn’t want her to think about a lot to do. It could be He wanted her to do something entirely different than what she would think on her own. She allowed her mind to settle on those thoughts. When she got home and changed clothes she walked on the beach and prayed, asking God for guidance, asking Him for a sign if He wanted something in particular from her. She asked for acceptance.
“God, I know You like it when I come to You with my problems or if I’m feeling a certain way. I know You already know what’s going on with me, but You want me to turn to You. Well, I’m turning to You again now, Lord, and I need Your help. I’m not going into everything that’s already happened because You already know about all that. But as I walk out here today on the beach and look out at the beautiful ocean, not only am I grateful, but I’m confused. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life anymore.”
Sam stopped walking when she came upon a rock where she sat many times and prayed. It had become her spot for thought and getting closer to God. It was perfect because it was away from the crowd and the noise but still provided a gorgeous view of God’s artistic work. As she sat and watched the waves rise and fall gently, she appreciated the power of all she saw. She appreciated the beauty of her world and she continued talking to the Creator of it all.
“I know You have a plan for me Lord, otherwise I wouldn’t still be here. I would have died when that car hit me or because of my heart, but You wanted me here. Thank You. What I’m asking, Lord, is can You tell me what at least part of Your plan is for me? Can You let me know what it is I’m supposed to be doing in my life? Am I not supposed to be a chef? Am I not supposed to be in Florida? Am I supposed to go back to Connecticut or somewhere else? I’m not hurting and my health is a lot better and again, thank You, but I do want to do something with my life since You have blessed me with it. I know You will provide, Lord. Thank You. I know I don’t say it enough, but I do love You. In Your name, I pray. Amen.”
Sam stayed sitting on the rock for another hour. She didn’t want to leave the view. Even though she knew she could see the same view from her porch, she felt God’s presence with her right then and she wasn’t going to disturb it in any way. Her face lifted and as her eyes closed she smiled at the heavens above her. She could feel the soft breeze caressing her skin and she heard seagulls singing as they flew past. Before she could leave her favorite spot and head home an overwhelming thought came to mind. One that she already thought could be a part of God’s plan, but in so much more detail.
Her breath caught as images waltzed around in her brain. Images of a small family restaurant. Not one that boasted fancy cuisine or a hostess dressed in a suit. Not one that would be considered even a four-star place to dine, but a family restaurant for everyone. She could see every detail of the dining room, the kitchen, and the sign above the door that read, ‘The In Honor of Diner.’
As warm tears dried on her face she saw the surrounding area and immediately knew where she was supposed to go. God was letting her know in His loving way He wanted her to open a business in Connecticut. In Torrington. She lowered her face and wiped her eyes and accepted what she was being given. She wasn’t sure how to feel about moving back to Torrington, but she asked for God’s help and she was given it. She wouldn’t turn it down.
Walking home she thought about Junior and how being there would affect everything between them. She wondered if that was part of God’s plan, too. She decided to not worry about that but to start making plans to move. God was a patient God, but she knew what she had to do and procrastinating wasn’t part of it.