Sam
The end of the week arrived at the pace of a snail and emotions were difficult. Sam and Tonya took walks on the beach, enjoying the sun. They would swim in the ocean, hoping the water would wash away their worries. Other times they tried to accept that life was life. Sometimes, it was more than they thought they could handle.
The results were what Tonya thought they would be. The cancer was back. They told her they wanted to run more tests to make sure it hadn’t spread into her lymph nodes so she had to go in for that. When the results came in and were given to her, she had to accept that things were worse than before. She knew she needed God more than ever.
When Sunday arrived, Tonya and Sam went to church. Tonya needed to be surrounded by His flock and feel His spirit. Junior returned home without anything he had hoped for between him and Sam. Most his time on vacation was filled with what was happening with Tonya, but he understood. He had been compassionate and tried to be helpful by listening and offering to do whatever Sam needed. He hated having to leave in times such as those, but he had to get back to work. What he didn’t realize was with him being there, it had affected Sam in ways she hadn’t expected.
From the moment Junior left, Sam began to miss him. She struggled with being honest with herself about it. She wanted to think she was strong enough to be alone. She had worked hard since Chris’s death to believe she didn’t want to be with anyone again. What she didn’t expect were the feelings within her to grow and want to be set free. She tried denying them, but was terrible at hiding it from Tonya.
Tonya
A few days after he left, Sam and Tonya were laying on the beach one more time before Tonya had to begin chemotherapy. Sam was more quiet than usual and wasn’t fooling her best friend. As tourists walked around Tonya tried to get her to talk about it. Beating around the bush wouldn’t work. She was straight forward with her.
“You miss him, don’t you?”
“Who?” Sam asked as she lay, unmoving. Her eyes were closed with her shades covering most of her face.
“The President of the United States. Who do you think I’m referring to?”
Sam remained motionless for a moment then turned and looked at Tonya through her dark glasses. For a second Tonya thought she was going to reply with a sarcastic response, but she didn’t. Instead, Sam let out a sigh, barely loud enough to hear over two screaming kids and their dog that had just ran past. She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair and mumbled something Tonya couldn’t make out.
“What?” Tonya asked at the back of Sam’s head.
Turning her head towards Tonya, Sam spoke louder, “I said, I don’t want to miss him.”
“But, you do. Or am I mistaken?”
Again, there was a long pause. “I’m confused. Yes, I’m missing him and it’s confusing me and I’m not sure how to deal with it. I miss him as a friend most of all and I feel bad his vacation wasn’t what he had hoped, but there’s feelings inside that aren’t supposed to be there.”
“Aren’t supposed to be there because you are stubborn and refuse to love again? Is that what you are referring to?”
She loved Sam like a sister but at times she had to be tough. She hated doing it, but Sam was being so darn stubborn. Junior would be great for her. She could tell by the way Junior looked at Sam that he was in love with her. Tonya wished Sam would allow herself to move forward. She had done very well in other aspects of her life, but when it came to matters of the heart, she didn’t want to give in. She watched Sam get up and dust the sand off her legs and butt and start toward the water.
“I’m going for a swim.”
Tonya watched her run away. Not only from her and the conversation, but from her feelings. She hurt for her best friend. She had been through so much pain. She deserved to have a loving man in her life again. She deserved to be happy again and Tonya knew her well enough to know she was miserable. She knew Sam still loved Chris and always would, but she had to move on from him. He was a memory that she had been holding onto and couldn’t seem to let go of enough to feel free. Tonya would have to pray hard for her.
***
Junior
It didn’t matter how hard Junior worked or how busy he tried to make himself, he couldn’t stop thinking about Sam. The intensity of Tonya’s health situation took over his vacation. He one hundred percent understood. He didn’t have any bad feelings toward her at all, but it still sucked. There was no denying it.
He had hoped to spend some quality time with Sam and have at least one romantic dinner with her. He wanted to take her out and have some fun and have her show him around. None of that happened.
The only times they came close to having some alone time and enjoy themselves was when he first got there and they went to dinner at Tonya’s restaurant. The other was when she was cooking dinner the night Tonya had come over and broke the news about her cancer.
He truly cared about Tonya and hoped she would be okay. He felt terrible feeling the way he did about everything. He felt like he was being tremendously selfish and he didn’t mean to be. He didn’t know what to do about any of it. He already knew there was no way he could forget about Sam. The one and only kiss they ever shared was embedded into his memory. The way she looked that night. How her perfume surrounded his senses. The way her face felt within his gentle hands. How his lips felt against hers and how she tasted. How could he ever forget that?
The past week had been torture for him since his return home from Florida. He called once to see how Tonya was doing. When he talked to Sam he could tell by her tone that she was evading any talk about them or how she was doing. He didn’t push the subject. He respected her too much to put her in more of a difficult situation.
Another serious issue for Junior was being honest with Sam about the money Chris left her. He didn’t think it would ever come up. But what if it did? How would he handle that? Would she hate him forever or would she understand why he couldn’t tell her?
He shaved and showered and thought about going out for some pizza and a few beers. To drown his feelings in more than a few, but the thought of waking up Saturday with a hangover prevented that. He’d had his fair share of hangovers and didn’t like a single one of them. He also didn’t like drinking to extremes for a more personal issue. His father.
Junior had grown up in a very abusive home, but few people knew about his painful past. It wasn’t something he found joy in sharing. His stepmother was the one who did most of the hurting while his father was either too drunk to stop her or on the road working. Junior had decided a long time ago that he wouldn’t be anything like that, and so far, he had kept his word. There had been on some occasions he over did it, but he wasn’t a drunk by nature and he wouldn’t become one.
The worst nightmare he had growing up in that house was when he was fifteen years old and his stepmother tried to kill him. At least he knew if he had gotten in the car that night with her he would have died by the end of the night. He believed that then, and the belief remained the same.
It started with him getting in trouble at school and getting suspended for a few days. His stepmother lost her senses and came at him with a rolling pin, the same one she had used that morning to make homemade biscuits and gravy. Thankfully, his father had been home and held her back as he told Junior to go to his friend’s house down the road.
It wasn’t unusual for him to be at Frank’s house for hours at a time. Also, living in a small town when he grew up pretty much everyone knew about what went on in their house. It was hard keeping things secret, even at school. Because of that, he had many lonely memories from high school.
That day in particular, he was at Frank’s house longer than usual. He didn’t think it would be wise to go home. Frank’s father could tell something was wrong and he asked him to sit down and talk with him about it. He had been scared to, but he told Frank’s father everything that happened earlier in the day.
While they were talking, his stepmother showed up and was furious. Frank’s father tried talking to her but it didn’t do any good. Junior walked outside and she attacked him and was strangling him so hard his neck was bruised for over a week. When they went to court later that week, the judge could clearly see the bruises all over his neck.
He was placed in foster care and that was the beginning of three and a half years of a better life. The home was on a farm that raised pigs. They had over seven-hundred of them as well as some cows and horses and chickens. Of course, they had a couple of dogs and a few cats, too.
So, instead of going to a pizza parlor and drinking more alcohol than he knew he should, he placed a call to the pizza and sub shop down the road and waited for his order in a pair of shorts on the couch. He ate his pizza and drank the single beer he had in the refrigerator while watching a movie and tried to focus on that and not his feelings. It helped for a little while, but eventually thoughts of Sam won over and he gave in, again. He went to bed thinking about her, expected to dream about her, and he wouldn’t be surprised if he woke up Saturday morning thinking about her as well.
***
Sam
She could hear the waves dancing beneath the moon and stars as she lay in bed. A cool breeze found its way into her room through the open window and caressed her skin. A chill caused goose bumps to rise all over, but in a way, she liked the sensation. Sam was wide awake and had been for two hours. Sleep wasn’t part of the plan for her. Apparently, having an energetic brain was.
It seemed that every moment of the past week wanted to have play time in her head. Certain parts also wanted to run a collision course through her heart. She hated times when she couldn’t sleep and all she did was think and feel.
She wasn’t concerned about her health like she used to have to be. She took very good care of herself and did what the doctors told her to do. Physically, she felt great considering everything she had been through. What she had been struggling with were the two most important people in her life. Her best friend Tonya had cancer again and Sam was terrified for her. She was scared of what could happen if the treatments didn’t work. She learned a few days ago that the cancer had spread which made matters more stressful and worrisome. She was afraid for Tonya’s life. She was scared of losing her. Tonya must start chemotherapy treatments, but the doctor told them there were never any guarantees the treatments would work. Sam had been praying harder than ever over the past week.
Another reason for her many deep prayers was over how she was struggling with feelings for Junior. She had convinced herself that she would never love again. That she would never allow her heart to fall for another man after losing Chris. When Junior confessed his love for her before she moved to Florida she knew in her soul that it couldn’t and wouldn’t happen. Or so she thought. Yes, she admitted to herself and even to Tonya a few times that she missed him before he came down, but when she saw him, things were different. Things happened in her heart that she wasn’t prepared for. Things that made her think and wonder and dream about possibilities that frightened her.
The evening at the restaurant when Junior arrived was particularly difficult. It had been a year since she had seen him, and the sight of him had caused her to tremble within. The way he had looked at her caused moments where she felt like she was melting. The memory of that kiss from a year ago caused her emotions to rise and it had been a serious struggle, taking all her strength and willpower to not let her eyes fall to his lips. She hadn’t mentioned that to anyone. Not even Tonya.
“God, why is this happening now? Why do I have to be going through these feelings over Junior and why does Tonya have to go through her cancer again? I know You have everything under control Lord, but I’m scared of letting my heart go again. I’m scared of the hurt. Please lay Your loving and healing hands on Tonya and heal her Lord Jesus and please God, take away these desires for Junior. I can’t love again. I just can’t.”