Junior
Junior sat in his recliner and pondered. Thoughts about Florida ricocheted around in his head like a pellet in a steel barrel. Most importantly, thoughts about Sam, who remained hundreds of miles away from him. He knew she was hurting and more than likely feeling alone because of Tonya’s death. He had sent her three emails and left two voicemails which had been ignored. He was confused and hurt, but he still missed her.
He decided he wasn’t going to bother her any more, at least not for a while. It had been two weeks since the funeral. He figured if she needed him or wanted to talk she knew how to get in touch with him. He had made his move; now it was her turn to contact him if she so desired. He didn’t think she did.
A lot had been on his mind lately, which wasn’t anything unusual. It seemed so much had changed in his life since his best friend died. Sam moving to Florida was the next major thing after that, of course, but there was more to it. Something had been aching inside him to search for something more. Something had been missing and he didn’t realize that until lately. He guessed it could be possible that Sam not wanting to love him was a good thing, in a way. It was possible someone upstairs was trying to get his attention. It was possible someone was telling him he needed to make some changes within himself before a woman could love him. It was possible.
He had joined a gym months ago and worked out on a regular schedule. He had even cut out most sugars and saturated fatty foods. Physically, he’d never felt better. It wasn’t that though. He knew that. It was in his head. His heart. He thought about it and began to think it could be his soul.
He thought about Sam and how devoted a Christian she was. Through all the things she had to struggle with, it wasn’t people alone who helped her get through those things. It was God. Junior had always believed, so what was his problem? Was it because he was worried what people would think of him? He’d never really had that problem before.
Shaking his head, he thought about going to the gym. They would be open until midnight so he could get an hour in. Before he walked out the door he had a strong impulse to check his email. He grabbed his keys and wallet and started for the door, but the urge was strong.
“Wow, this has never happened before.”
He went to the table and opened his laptop. He was on earlier and there wasn’t anything there other than the usual junk mail and the few emails from Sam. But he hadn’t gotten one from her in weeks. He logged on and saw he had two from job searches and one from Sam. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t bother with the other two. He clicked on hers and sat back, anxious to read what she had written.
Dear Junior,
I know it’s been too long since we have written or talked. I’m sorry about that. I guess you know how I get when I’m hurting. Not that it’s the right way to be. I will try to work on it. How are you? I hope you are doing well since you have been home. I’m sorry if this is the sort of beating around the bush thing that neither of us like. I’ll just be honest. I’ve been thinking about you. I miss you.
His heart picked up its pace, a smile spread across his face, and he continued reading.
This might sound a little, I don’t know, like something a teenager would say, but have you been thinking about me?
“All the time!”
I don’t know what’s going on with me. I know I have told you before and I told you something along these lines when you were down here, but you and I are friends and I’m confused. I’m confused because I’m scared to let my heart go to someone else again. I’m scared of being hurt again. I lost Chris and now Tonya is gone. Honestly, even though I have made some friends since I’ve been down here, you are the only one true friend I have left, and part of me thinks it’s kind of a weird feeling to be having these thoughts and feelings about each other. Does that make sense? Probably not.
When you were here on your vacation we didn’t get to have any real time to enjoy you being here. I think even with certain feelings going on, we still would have had a good time. I did enjoy you being here. I hope you know that. I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this part, lol, but there were some times when I thought about you as more than a friend. When I wanted you to hold me. I haven’t forgotten about the kiss in my apartment. I doubt I will ever forget that. I guess it had more of an effect on me than I have wanted to admit, but it did.
When Tonya came over that night and told us the horrible news about her cancer, naturally it took away everything else, but in a way, it made me need you more. I didn’t know how to tell you.
The most important thing I need to tell you, Junior, is I don’t know if anything can or will happen between us. Again, I’m scared, but I want and need to live for God and I don’t know if you feel the same way as I do about that. If I ever take the chance of loving again, with any man, he must feel the same as I do. Like I said, I don’t know if anything more than friendship will ever happen, but if not at least we will always have that. I miss you.
Love,
Sam
P.S. I hope this doesn’t confuse you xo
He sat there staring at her email for fifteen minutes. He read it several times, trying to make sense of it.
She hoped it didn’t confuse him?
He was more confused than ever. Should he reply? What would he say? He shook his head and with a grim face he shut the laptop off. Grabbing his keys and wallet he headed out the door. A workout was exactly what he needed, and a long one if he had time before they closed.
***
Sam
Sam knelt on the floor at her bed. Her eyes were closed and her head was lying in her hands. Normally, she prayed in bed after her face was in her pillow and comfortable, but she felt she needed to start getting in the habit of kneeling. It was something that had been pulling on her heart. She felt it made it more authentic and everything about her wanted to be real with God.
“God, before I go to bed tonight I want to thank You for helping me get through my day. Thank You for giving me some comfort. I really needed it. Of course, You already know everything I need, and I know it’s going to take time. I wrote Junior an email tonight. I hope it was something that You would want me to do. I felt like it was. I told him how I feel and how I am confused and everything. Please, when he reads it, if he hasn’t already, make him understand. Please don’t let it hurt him. I do love him as a friend and I care deeply for him. You already know what is in my heart and what is right for me. I only think I do, but I don’t know if I am ready for love. I don’t think I am, Lord. I’m so confused and I’m sure I sound like it. Whatever it is that You think I should do, please guide me and let me know. I would appreciate that. If You let me know somehow what I’m supposed to do, I will do my best to do it. Even if it’s taking that chance I don’t think I’m ready for. In Your name, I pray, amen.”
Sam got off her knees and slid between the covers. Part of her felt comforted by what she wrote to Junior. Part of her was scared of what might happen. She had told God she would do whatever He told her to do, even if it meant taking another chance with her heart. With love. That terrified her. She wasn’t ready, but she didn’t want to keep being confused. She didn’t want to lose Junior’s friendship either. It was so frustrating.
She hit her pillows and grunted, “Sleep! I need to stop thinking and go to sleep.”