CIRCE
Okay, I can do this. Wanting to be a part of Wyatt’s life means I need to take the bad and good, right?
As China wheels me out of the room, the first thing I hear are the sounds of shouting, cursing, and Wyatt’s voice breaking in pain. Why didn’t I hear it before? Have I been that involved in myself that I didn’t notice things going on? Fuck.
Trying to ignore my oversight, placing all of my concentration on the one pushing my stroller, I admonish my selfishness.
“I’m putting faith in you, Circe. I hope you can do what I’ve done, but better.” Every ounce of what China says strikes a chord. “Honestly, I’ve seen you two together, and I’m sorry I kept you away. And yeah, I suck at apologies, but if you can help, I promise not to leave you in the dark again.”
“You’re right. You suck at apologies. But it’s not about me or you. This is for Wyatt, yeah?”
“Damn straight. But it won’t be pretty.” Pushing the door to his room with her ass open, the crashing sound of Wyatt increases.
“I don’t need that!” Slamming his casted arm into the side table, the sound echoes off the walls, the smashing plaster flying everywhere.
“Circe,” China warns. “If you want, I can wheel you out. Don’t be afraid to say this is too much.”
“China, move me, please.”
“Out or in?”
“In.”
Avoiding the extra nurses, security, and Dr. Callie, China pulls my chair up to the end of the bed where there’s the least traffic. Taking in all of Wyatt, his eyes are vacant. He’s far off in his own turbulent storm, fighting a battle of wills. Pain and control are not mutually exclusive, and he’s not winning.
“Wyatt,” I say softly at first, then more forceful a second time when he doesn’t acknowledge me. “Wyatt!”
Over the din of confusion and hospital care workers, no one hears me. Looking behind me, up to China, I see the fright. She’s about to fall apart and no one see’s how painful this is for her too. Watching as they try to restrain and contain him, I feel horrible for both of them if this is the way it’s always been.
Is this how everyone has thought to care for his issue? Further containment and less understanding? Well, not me.
“Circe. You shouldn’t be here right now. It’s not safe,” the doctor states, trying to feed a full syringe of opiates into the IV line.
“Dr. Callie. Could you leave us alone?”
“Just let me get this—”
“No. I mean, before you drug him,” I state emphatically.
“Circe, I don’t think you understand. He’s harming himself. We need to control—”
“That’s the problem, doctor. I think all anyone has ever done is control him. Please, let me try it another way.”
Turning to Wyatt’s sister, Dr. Callie thinks she’ll find a defender. “China, I—”
“I agree with Circe. Please, everyone leave. And I don’t mean after you dope him up.” Watching her request be ignored, they still work away, attaching cuffs. Her patience wanes. “Now!” she hollers.
As they pause, releasing Wyatt’s hand, he calms. “Everyone, please leave,” I tell them, as China ventures to the door, opening it wide.
“All of you leave, please.” The harsh face of determination, a perfected resting bitch face, China smacks the door lightly to grab their attention. “Let’s go. We’ve got this. And if by chance we don’t, you can come back and tell us we told you so.”
Walking away, one by one, each look at us with incredulity. They’re amazed we want to deal with this alone.
Looking back over her shoulder as she’s leaving, Dr. Callie places the cap back on the tiny syringe. Turning to China with a crestfallen expression, she says, “We’ll just be outside the door.”
We understand what we’re asking, and we’re ready to accept it.
Turning my attention back to Wyatt, I see the physical stress of everything as his body tenses. His eyes dart and the darkness fills him. No, I’ve never dealt with anything like this, but I feel the same despair anytime I think back to my crash. Anytime I have a panic attack, my soul crushes just a tiny bit. When I see him being dragged under like this, I don’t just understand it, I appreciate the coping mechanisms he’s devised.
As the door shuts and the room quiets, I ask for help. “China. Could you wheel me up to the side?”
“Yeah, sure. One sec.” Bringing me to the edge where I sat only a day ago, China clicks the lock on the wheels. “I’m sorry you’re seeing the worst of it.”
“I’m not seeing the worst of anything, Doll.” I lift myself slightly out of the chair. “You can go. Don’t worry, I have this.”
“Circe, it’s one thing to get a crash course, but it’s another to hop into the lion’s den without a stick to beat it back with.”
“He won’t hurt me. It’s okay.” Placing my hand on the bed, I move toward the empty space beside Wyatt. “Really, I’m fine. We’ll be fine.”
I push up higher until I can lift myself to sit on the edge. Stroking Wyatt’s sweat-soaked platinum hair, I reel at the pain he’s in.
“If you need me, I’m right outside.”
Hearing her leave me, I take in all of Wyatt. His cast is destroyed, which will cause him delays in riding. His wild eyes dance untrained on nothing specific. His hospital gown and hair are soaked with sweat. Leaning into the hard bed, turning my attention elsewhere, I don’t notice if China left or not. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is him and his pain.
“Wyatt?” Touching his hair, I stroke the side of his strong jaw as it ticks, trying to calm him. No, I won’t be a fix, but maybe I can be a relief. “Wyatt, I’m here. It’s Circe.”
Since the doctors and nurses left, he’s calmed considerably. The stress of them in no way made it better, it just cornered the beast. Now the fight or flight has lessened, but the beast is still wary.
“Do you remember the first time we kissed? I thought you were a pompous man, only looking for your next thrill, your next fuck. The next war. You know what I saw, though, and I never voiced it? I saw you hiding. That guy on the track, he’d hurt you more than if you’d hit him, didn’t he? The fear of causing someone else’s pain scared you. You were afraid that you could have been the catalyst for another sad family.” Keeping my voice calm and serene, I tuck in tighter to Wyatt’s side, laying my casted arm across his body.
“I know what you saw that day. You held back from telling them. I get it. You didn’t want to tell your brother or sister what you saw in the car when we crashed, did you?”
Moving his hand, he finally touches me. He’s relaxing.
“You saw it too?” he asks.
Answering his question, tears choke my voice. “I saw death.” I know he was there. I knew he took a life, and I knew it was going to be painful. With tears threatening my eyes, I take in a deep breath. “There was nothing you could do.”
He doesn’t reply right away. Instead, he stays quiet, in his own system of containment. “The part that pains me most is that I was glad for her. She needed the peace. That, and I don’t think I could’ve survived you gone from my life. You understand that, right? Without you, with me—in here—you saved me every day.” Tapping his head, he finally turns his eyes from the ceiling to look at me. As the wetness coats his cheeks from tears, I see it all. Pain and suffering, joy and relief.
It’s true, we haven’t known each other long, but I have a connection to him that I can’t deny. Seeing the change in him, I feel that his turbulent ocean has lulled. It’s not gone, it’s just relinquishing its hold slightly, allowing him control behind the wheel.
Thumbing his tears, I listen as he talks. “You were what I thought of. You were all that kept me going as I sat here, wondering about everything. It was all wrapped up in you. I’m not sure if I’m moving a dependency from racing and sex to you, but I know I can’t do this alone, Circe. Please, tell me this isn’t a dream?”
“I’m here, Wyatt, and we’ll figure it out.” Kissing his cheek, I taste the salt of his tears. Turning his head slightly, he kisses me and I feel every ounce of passion in his lips. My heart skips a few beats, and my soul cheers for more. Breaking away, I tell him again. “I’m here. I’m not leaving.”
Pulling back, he stares into my eyes. “Thank you for calling me, Siren.”
I smile. “I’m glad you answered.”