Nix
As I watch Grace walk away, our moments together play like a sermon on Sunday mass in my head—from the sadness in her eyes when she left the convent to the understanding tone of her voice when she tried to enlighten me—and it torches my soul to full repentance. I splay my hands on the kitchen island for support as the weight of her words crumbles my resolve. Her walking away has completely decimated me. But what do I really expect from a woman who has forgiven me multiple times on multiple occasions?
My phone vibrates for the second time inside my jeans pocket. Begrudgingly, I reach for it and swipe my finger across the screen.
Nate: You’re upset at Grace because she forces you to accept the truth! The truth you’ve been running from for years!
I growl, closing my eyes in annoyance.
Me: Why are you listening, asshole?
Nate: I’m doing a sweep. This is our SOP.
Me: No reason to do a sweep on my unit! Dickhead! Get off my floor!
Seconds later, my cell rings with Nate’s face on the screen.
“Don’t hang up. Just let me say something. I haven’t seen the painting, but if your reaction is an explanation on how powerful it is, then I can’t wait to see it.”
“It cut me to the core, Nate.”
“Your words, I’m sure, cut her to the core, too.”
“We weren’t there to protect them, Nate!”
“Listen to yourself, bro. We couldn’t have helped them anyway. They’re long gone, Nix. There’s no putting our parents back together. Stop imagining the different ways you want to kill the idiot who killed them. He’s rotting in jail where he belongs. But you know what I think? I think Grace could fix you, if you’d let her. So, man up, and go apologize. You moron.”
“That’s the plan.”
I click End before my blossoming confidence fizzles out. I walk to Grace’s room, armed with nothing but a sorry heart and a conscience ridden with guilt. I’m such an asshole. I walk toward her room then wait a few heartbeats before knocking.
“Can I come in?”
The door opens, revealing a very calm Grace. She walks back to her bed and sits on the edge. I take the floor and lean against the bed frame.
Closing my eyes, I say, “I’m sorry.”
She breaks the silence after a few heartbeats. “No buts?”
“None,” I answer honestly.
“Why?”
“Because an apology shouldn’t be followed by an excuse. I fucked—I mean, I messed up. I let my anger get the best of me.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees.
“You let your anger get the best of you all the time, Nix.”
I don’t have a good comeback because she’s right, so fucking right. My guilt is eating me up, swallowing me whole.
“You want to know the truth?”
“The truth always sets you free. So, go for it.”
A loud scoff leaves my lips. “I’m that transparent, huh?”
I open my mouth, only to close it seconds later. While truth can set someone free, it isn’t easily done.
“I have nothing to lose, so here’s my truth. When my parents died, it came as a surprise. No warning. No good-byes. There was no chance to say we loved them.” I blink my eyes, fighting back tears. “We couldn’t even have an open casket. Their bodies had been burned beyond recognition. We only had dental records to go by. That was how horribly they’d died. They didn’t deserve that kind of death. To die in pain…in that kind of pain…I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine.” I swallow hard, willing the longing to go away.
“It was the same when my Marines died. A shot in the head, shrapnel to the chest, a bomb exploding—it all prevented a good-bye. And, while you’re right that I can’t control death, you can’t control who’s willing to die while saving another’s life either. With our line of work, protecting Pops and Mama is our number one priority. I can’t lose them like I did my parents.” I break eye contact ashamed to reveal my pain.
“I understand why it’s difficult. Losing someone is never easy. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s easier when they’re taken suddenly or if it’s better when you’re given time to say good-bye.”
She slides down and makes herself comfortable next to me. I turn my head to face her, and she does the same, but our eyes never meet.
“I couldn’t save my parents or my Marines. What if I can’t protect you?”
“You know you couldn’t have saved your parents or your Marines. You’ve been protecting me, Nix. I am alive, am I not? You need to let go of that burden. I have.” A forlorn look mars her face. “Sometimes though, the guilt rears its ugly head, but I try not to dwell on it. Sure, it hurts, but can we really do anything about it? So, stop being hard on yourself, please.”
Our eyes finally meet. Her pleading greens almost make me believe.
I sigh deeply. “For some stupid reason, you being around brings all these feelings to the front.”
“Why?”
“You challenge my heart, Grace.” My rebellious finger strokes her smooth skin. “It’s like you mirror my soul, but mine is dark and sinful while yours is free of stain, sinless. You find the goodness in everything, even forgive those who don’t deserve it. I don’t. It’s not revenge I seek, Grace. I don’t kill just to do it.”
She’s about to say something, but I silence her with my finger on her lips.
“I know you understand the reason I do what I do. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I have killed.” I shake my head in confusion. “I never felt the burden of guilt before until I met you. Now, do you see the difference between us?”
“I’m not a saint, Nix. I just let my heart guide me. I allow my heart to ache when it needs to. I also allow it to heal like it should. And, even if there’s a difference in how we view life, we can always agree on one truth. Love.” She leans into my touch as I continue to glide my finger along her blushing cheek. “It is the driving force that pushes you to do your job with perfection. You’re saving people. You’re making the world a better place. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I just happen to do it in a different way. I pray. I forgive. I let go. I’m sure you do that, too.”
She taps the tip of my nose with her pointer finger. That simple touch zings my heart and lights a fire under my feet.
“If I challenge your heart, then…”
I grab her finger, slightly pulling her toward me. “Then, what?”
“Then, act on it. Free it from its chains.” Grace’s piercing emeralds penetrate through my defenseless ones. “You need to understand your worth because I do. I also think you’re someone who loves fiercely. But, sometimes, you should allow someone to do the same for you. If you don’t, you’ll never, ever find out how it feels to fall, only to be caught by the right person.”
The magnitude of her dare awakens a fear in me that I’ve never felt before. In defiance of that fear, I say with a cocky tone, “I’m the one who does the catching, no one else. No. One. Else.”
Grace wiggles her finger out of my hold and pins me with her stare. “Then, you haven’t fallen, Phoenix Hayes.”
Even though I tower over her like Goliath, her words have slain me many times over, straight to the heart.