18
Kendra
“Your tight little cunt feels so good.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not liking the smell of his hot alcoholic breath on my face.
“God, girl.” He dug the tips of his fingers deep into my hip bone. “I’m here to take care of you.”
Lifting my hips, I reached my hand above my head and took the bedsheets between my fingers. Gripping with all my might, I tried to claw my way to freedom. He pulled me back beneath him and worked to undo his belt. A second later my back arched up off the blankets as he slammed into me hard.
“Stop! You’re hurting me,” I cried as he tore my insides apart.
I kicked and flailed, wincing between the sharp pangs of excruciating pain. It felt like he had set a fire between my legs. It burned and there was nothing I could do to get away. He was so big, too strong, and no matter how much I cried for him to stop, he didn’t.
“Shut up!” His fingers tightened around my skull and smashed my cheek further into the mattress. “Don’t make a sound.”
My pleas for help were drowned out, suffocated by the comforter of my bed. A hot liquid dripped from my insides and he kept going.
Soon I’d get used to the pain—grow numb to it.
This wasn’t the first time he visited me at night. He said Dad told him to come. It would make us sleep better, he said. But I never did ask Dad after the first time, too embarrassed by the bleeding the day after. It hurt to sit, and concentrating in school was impossible. All I could think about was him and how he’d hurt me and how much I wished that I wouldn’t see him again.
He grunted over my body, his heavy belly coating my back in his sweat. My jaw clenched and I kept my eyes closed. If I tried hard enough, I could fly away and be somewhere else. My imagination was that good. But I had to try really hard, and he wasn’t making it easy for me to think about anything other than the shooting pain zipping up my spine.
He told me that he loved me. That he would do anything for family. But I didn’t believe him. He was a monster at night, and monsters lied and hurt innocent girls.
I couldn’t breathe. He was too heavy. So heavy he crushed me. And when it all got to be too much, the pain resided as the warm metallic taste of my own blood filled my mouth.
Gasping for air, I flung my hands around my neck. Springing up in bed, I coughed the blood into the palm of my hand. Feeling my tongue swell against my molars, I knew that I had bitten it, clenched down on the soft muscle just like the hundreds of times before.
Hanging my head, I sighed.
Wiping the sweat off my brow, I stuck my finger in my mouth and touched the injury to see if it was as deep as some of the other times. Each time I bit my tongue—even if it was only an accident during a meal—it transported me back to those dark and ominous nights as a child I wished I could escape.
Reaching for Kelly, I frantically searched the bed before coming up empty.
He was gone.
I didn’t know where he was, just that he wasn’t here now. My mind struggled to recall the events leading up to when we decided to finally come to bed. I knew what happened at the restaurant. What I thought I saw and how Kelly ordered we leave without first eating. I could remember the way I acted in the elevator and how Kelly held me tenderly without saying a word while soaking late into the night as our bodies floated in the tub.
My eyes widened as I began to hyperventilate.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Again and again, I worked to calm the anxiety threatening to erupt inside me. After I managed to settle the panic attack working its way through my body, loneliness took over.
Looking around with a longing gaze, I was too afraid to breathe. My limbs were frozen in place and I feared Kelly had abandoned me. But could I really blame him if he had? I was broken. An emotional wreck. And if I kept having these hallucinations of seeing my rapist and sweating through nightmares that came along with it, it would only be a matter of time before he decided I wasn’t worth it anymore.
My head turned and my ears perked.
The room was too quiet and I didn’t like it.
My insides jumped at the crackling of a heater or the quiet hum of the refrigerator. Even from the back bedroom, I could hear the sounds in the kitchen. Finally, I found the courage to flop back onto my pillow and close my eyes.
A minute later, my heart settled and found its normal rhythm.
I continued to breathe as I stretched my hands far above my head.
The longer I laid there, the more I convinced myself that my brain was playing tricks on me. This was all just a bad dream. It wasn’t Kelly’s fault any more than it was my own. He was my happy place, the reason to get out of bed every morning. It was important that I didn’t associate him with any of my nightmares or triggers to bring my horrible past back into the present. He was my present. A gift to be treasured, not taken for granted.
Rolling onto my side, I raked my fingers over Kelly’s pillow. It still had an indentation of where his head had been resting. And though his spot was cold, I wondered how long ago he’d left. “You should have kissed me goodbye,” I whispered into the darkness, making myself giggle.
I laid there in bed, wrestling with my racing mind. I thought about everything from Kelly, to my rapist, to my family before drifting back to Alex and Nash. Soon night turned to dawn, and I knew that finding any kind of rest again tonight wasn’t going to happen. I kicked off the covers and headed for the master bath. It was there I found a note from Kelly, along with a new outfit.
Bella, sorry I couldn’t stay. Work robbed me of sleep and I headed into the office. Stay as long as you need. Here is a fresh outfit for you to wear. Food is in the fridge. Yours truly, K.
My lips curled at the corners as I set the note off to the side. Turning my attention to the black backless slip dress, I held it out in front of me and lifted my eyes to the mirror.
Angling my body from side to side, I knew that I would look good in it. Kelly constantly surprised me with his inherent sense of style. He knew what he liked and, even better, he knew what I would look good in. And because he’d chosen the color black once again, I couldn’t help but laugh. But before I put it on and got ready to take on the day, I padded my way to the kitchen.
Opening the fridge, I found nothing but health foods waiting. There was oatmeal, fruits, and vegetables. Whole grain breads, humus, kale juice, and eggs.
I shook my head and clucked my tongue.
It wasn’t that none of that sounded good. In fact, I appreciated his desire to eat well and keep in shape. But despite him gifting me another gorgeous outfit—one which I truly loved—I wasn’t starting today off great. I was still feeling low, reeling with the last bits of my nightmare, and if I knew anything about myself, it was that when I felt like this all I craved was junk food.
And junk wasn’t anywhere to be found.
Closing the fridge, I looked around for alternative options. Nothing sparked my interest so when my phone dinged with a message, I naturally went straight for it.
Morning doll. Meet me at my office in an hour. Don’t be late. It’s important. ~Madam
Setting my phone down, my shoulders curled over. Suddenly, I wasn’t as hungry as I thought I was when I’d first rolled out of bed. Making my way back to the master bath, I dragged my feet over the hardwood floors as I thought of excuses on how to get out of having to go see the Madam.
I knew what this was about and I wasn’t interested. I told her that, too. But she never listened. And if it wasn’t for my debt to Alex, and for me finding Kelly through Madam’s indirect introduction, I would be breaking my contract today and telling her to go stuff it.
But I owed it to more people than just myself to keep going. So, I took a quick shower, slipped on my dress, and was out the door on my way to meeting my Uber pick-up a couple blocks from Kelly’s.
“Seriously?” I said, opening the door and seeing who it was. “How do you keep making this happen?”
“Now that is a question I should be asking you.” His fantastic white smile filled his face.
It was the same driver from Uganda as I’d had two nights ago and so many times previously. Closing the door and buckling in, I said, “I feel like if we keep having this happen, then I should at least know your name.”
“Lucky.” His eyes found me in the rearview mirror.
“C’mon? Really?” I cocked my head. “Your name is Lucky?”
He nodded.
“If that’s true, then I would love to know what your last name is.”
“Charm,” he said without missing a beat.
I shook my head and huffed a disbelieving laugh. “Lucky Charm.”
When we stopped at a light, he pulled his driver’s license from his wallet, and showed it to me. “See. It even says it here.”
I pinched the card in the corner and read his name. Lucky Charm. Just like he said. Unbelievable. “And your parents gave that name to you?”
“Who else?”
“Okay.” I showed him my palms. “Well, nice to meet you, Lucky. I’m Kendra.”
“Kendra. I like that name.”
“It’s okay.” I turned to look out the window, realizing we had just pulled into Madam’s neighborhood. “Certainly not as cool as your name.”
“I guess I was just lucky.” He laughed and it was the kind of laugh that made you naturally want to join in on the fun.
When he pulled the car in front of Madam’s building, I set my hand on the back of his chair and leaned forward. “Ever been here before?”
He leaned across the middle and took his time taking in the red bricks that seemed to be glowing today. Slowly his head shook as he frowned. “No. I don’t recall ever being here.”
“No worries.” I opened the door. “I was just curious.”
“Sorry.”
“Would you mind waiting for me? I shouldn’t be long.”
“For you? Of course.” He smiled.
Slipping my arm through the shoulder strap of my handbag, I thanked Lucky before scurrying up the stairs. Janine lifted her head and greeted me as I passed her desk. I mumbled a quick hello back and continued on. When I rounded the corner, naturally Kelly filled my head with thoughts of the first time I met him. Without allowing myself to overthink things, I found Jerome standing with a wide stance and his hands folded in front.
“Hello, dah-ling,” I teased him with my impersonation of the Madam. Flipping my hair over my shoulder in a dramatic fashion, I said, “A bit early for us to be working, don’t ya think?”
Jerome cocked a brow and flicked his wrist. Glancing at his gold watch he shook his head. “Nope.”
“Well, you’re no fun,” I said, stepping past his bulk and heading directly into Madam’s office.
She lifted her head with bright eyes and smiled. Her red lipstick made it hard to focus on any other part of her face as I took the liberty to plop my butt down in a chair directly across from her. “Kendra, baby. It’s good to see you.”
Curling my fingers toward my face, I glanced at my nails. “What can I do for you on this fine morning?”
“You could start by telling me where you got that dress.” She folded her hands on top of her desk and straightened her spine.
I cast my gaze down the front of me. The hem had ridden up my thigh and I liked how I felt like I wasn’t wearing much at all. “Do you like it?”
“I do.” She angled her head and gave me a thin-lipped smile. “It has Kelly’s name written all over it.”
“Funny you mention him.” My gaze rolled up to meet hers. “He’s the one who gave it to me.”
Relaxing her otherwise stiff posture, Madam’s attitude was nonchalant. “How is he doing?”
“Good. Great. Busy.” I barked off everything that came to mind.
“Are you enjoying your time with him?”
Her line of questioning was making me nervous. Suddenly my nerves were raw as I flashed her a questioning look. “I am.” My words were slow to roll off my tongue.
“That’s wonderful, dear.” Her smile seemed forced, and that alone had me anxiously waiting to see where she was taking this.
We stared at each other without saying anything. I could hear the clock ticking on the wall and if it weren’t for that, I would have thought time had stopped all together. Then, finally, I said, “Did you think I wouldn’t?”
“No. I didn’t.” Her eyes flickered like a candle. “The questionnaires I had you both complete didn’t align.”
“Oh?” I cast my gaze to my lap and picked at an imaginary piece of lint on my thigh.
“Based on your answers, your interests conflict.”
“Well,” my brows raised when I looked up at her, “I guess you’ll have to update your questionnaire.”
She cocked a brow.
“It seems to be flawed.”
Madam turned her head and cackled. “You think so?”
I shrugged. “Well, yeah, I mean—”
“I meant what I originally said about Kelly Black.” Madam’s voice grew stern. “You don’t know him the way I do and I ask,” she looked down long enough to center herself, “because I don’t want either of you to walk away from this month together feeling disappointed.”
“What is it I should know that you’re not telling me?” My lips pursed. “Does he have other women in his life I should know about?”
Madam’s face was stone as she stared back at me. Her lips were sealed and I wasn’t surprised by her lack of desire to share what she knew about Kelly. “It’s not my place to tell you those things.”
My chin tipped back slowly as my eyes narrowed into tiny slits. “But you took the liberty of telling me that Sylvia was receiving death threats?”
“You trusted me to look out for you, and that’s what I did when I learned of what was happening with Sylvia.”
“Shit!” I slapped my thigh. “Then what makes Kelly different?”
“Kelly can tell you that,” she wet her lips, “but only if he wants.”
I turned my head away, growing frustrated with how the Madam picked and chose which news was important enough to share with me and which wasn’t. I heard something heavy fall to her desk and when I turned to see what it was, my jaw dangled on its hinges. “Oh, fuck no,” I said, staring at the envelope I knew was full of cash.
“Oh, fuck yes.” Her eyes glimmered like she knew I didn’t have a choice. “As long as I have you under my wing, you’ll do whatever it is I ask.”
My mouth snapped shut and my jaw twitched as we stared each other down.
“Don’t think I won’t tell Kelly about your past.”
Reaching to the table, I snatched the envelope inside my hand with nostrils flaring. Standing, I turned to the door without saying another word.
Inside, I debated which was worse: Me telling Kelly about how I was raped, or him finding out from Madam that my pussy was far from being pure. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care, I did. But I also knew that I wasn’t ready for Kelly to know my secret, either.
With one foot out the Madam’s office, she said, “Oh, and Kendra darling?”
I stopped, tipped my head back, and sighed before turning around.
“I’ve spoken with Emmanuel.” She stood, balancing herself with five fingers firmly pressed onto the top of her desk. “Let me know if he misbehaves. I’d hate for him to get the wrong idea about you.”