36
Kelly
My knuckles were white on the wheel as I drove fast and reckless.
I was pissed. Kendra should have told me that she had been raped and that I was the cause of her trigger. I could have done something, maybe even have prevented her complete collapse.
The tires squealed as I whipped around a turn.
A car honked, having to slam on its brakes to avoid hitting me head-on, and I pressed my foot down on the accelerator and continued driving without so much as a second glance.
She had to leave. It was the only way. And though it hurt to see her looking back at me like I was supposed to be the one to cure her aches and pains, I couldn’t let her stay.
My chest tightened and I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had made a mistake. But without being able to touch her—too fearful that I would set off a series of torments that would eat her from the inside out—it would be impossible for me to console her.
This was bad. Really fucking bad.
When I blinked, I could see the pain in her eyes. She cried like something I hadn’t seen in a very long time. And that hardened my stomach with the memory of how I felt when Nora passed. Not even Kaycee cried that much these last few days she’d been in town. And my heart ached to see Kendra hurting as badly as she was.
But she had to leave.
I had to be alone.
What I was about to do she had no business being a part of.
The roadside was empty as I pulled to the curb. Shutting off the engine, I tossed the keys on the dash and took a minute to look around.
Mature trees cast their shadows over the dozens of tombstones that rested between the meandering paths. Between the grays and greens was the occasional array of freshly laid flowers. It seemed as if I couldn’t escape this place this week. It was the focus of much of my attention and I thought that my latest visit with Nora was my last—at least for a while. But now I knew that I had nowhere better to go than here that would help me come to some kind of conclusion on how best to move forward in my life.
Saying a quick prayer, I reached for the glove compartment and took the revolver into my hand. I tucked it away inside my suit jacket pocket before gathering the orchid flowers I had brought Nora.
The moment I stepped out of the vehicle, I blew out a shaking breath and shoved a hand through my hair.
I still couldn’t believe what Kendra had told me. She thought I knew about the rape but I didn’t. And maybe Kendra was right about the Madam, perhaps she knew and that was part of the reason she told Kendra about me representing Mario. And if that was true, Madam’s plan worked—creating tension within our budding relationship to cast enough doubt to get us looking at each other with a skeptical eye. But that wasn’t the reason I demanded she live with me, or the basis for why I assigned Maxwell to be her driver.
My vision tunneled as I worked my way through the maze of tombstones.
Each step was lighter than the last.
I deeply regretted that today was going to be a much more difficult visit than my previous visits here with Kaycee.
It was different.
Darker.
With more at stake than what I thought was possible.
But, truth be told, I’d had enough. Enough of Madam’s fucking games. I was growing tired of how she controlled and manipulated her way into my relationship with Kendra. If only things would have been different—if Kendra wasn’t one of Madam’s girls, if we’d met under different circumstances—then maybe we wouldn’t be where we found ourselves today.
Glancing down, the grass was wet on my shoes. It had been recently cut and that fresh-cut grass smell of summer filled the air. It should have been enough to fill me with hope. Instead, I was nervous and bloated with remorse.
The sun had disappeared over the horizon by the time I reached Nora’s grave. The birds were singing their last songs of the day as I mumbled past a constricted throat, “You’re the only one I want to be with.”
Then the first tear fell.
Her name—Nora Spears— carved into stone, stared back at me as I continued mumbling through the streams of tears falling down my cheeks.
“Nora, baby, I can’t let you go. I can’t give you up. You’re still with me. Day in and day out. You’re there. Every step of the way.” I pinched my nose and wiped the moisture away. “And you want to know what’s worse?”
I lifted my head and turned to the street, allowing a motorcycle to whiz past before I continued.
“That I still feel that way, even with you deciding to give up on me.” My eyes swelled as I choked on my own self-loathing. “My heart still longs for your love.”
My fingers opened and I dropped the orchid flowers over her gravestone. They floated with grace as gravity pulled them down to earth.
“Tell me what to do, Nora. Give me a sign,” I muttered as I reached inside my pocket to allow my fingers to curl around the handle of my gun. “You know about Kendra. I know you do.” I tipped my head back and laughed. “You know how bad I have it for her.”
A light breeze made the leaves on the trees dance just as a song bird flew over.
Taking in a deep breath, I said, “Tell me, my love—” my index finger curled around the trigger, “—should I stay or should I go?”
More tears fell and my free hand started to shake.
Everything slowed to a crawl as I pulled the gun out of my pocket and slowly angled it at my head.
My world spun and my heart thrashed between my ears.
Sweat dripped down my back as the flood down my cheeks intensified.
Staring down the barrel I cried, “We can all be together. Just the three of us. Together again.”
My brows furrowed and my nostrils flared.
I sobbed as I willed my finger to squeeze the trigger.
Primal sounds escaped my body as my eyes drowned in their agony.
The moment my muscles flexed, I dropped the gun away and tipped my head back, pleading with God. “Fuck you! This is all your fault. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this!” I screamed as I fell to my knees and let my head come to rest on Nora’s gravestone. “God, I miss both of you.” I kissed the cold rock.
I wailed into the rock until my tears ran dry. I needed an answer to what to do next. I wanted Nora to be the one to give it to me. “I really like her, Nora. She’s strong. Doesn’t take shit from anyone. Just like you.” My face filled with a smile. “And it’s getting serious between us. I need to decide.”
Pushing myself back on my knees and sitting on my heels, I plucked an orchid flower off the ground and stroked the petals between my fingers.
“Nora, please, I need you to guide me in making my decision. I can only do this with you. Everything I do, I still do it for you. I can’t do this without you. You know this. I’m broken without you.”
My eyelids fluttered closed. And as I sat there listening, hoping Nora would respond. I found myself smiling. Warmth filled my chest with optimism. Suddenly, my shoulders felt lighter. I could breathe easier and when I heard a light flutter nearby, I opened my eyes to find a bird landing next to me.
The bird hopped around before touching an orchid flower with its beak. Then it angled its head to me and we shared a look of amazement. “Thank you,” I whispered.
As soon as the words were spoken, the bird flew away.
Standing, I knew that that was Nora—her way of telling me that I must carry on without her. A minute later I was back in my car staring at my ringing cell phone, collecting my emotions. “Hey, Giselle.” I cleared my throat. “What’s up?”
“You need to get back to the office. And quick.”
I wiped my eyes and face with my hand. “What’s going on?”
“It’s about Mario. He’s ready to talk.”