“You gonna tell me what’s going on with you or are you gonna continue to burn holes through that mug?” Jake asked as he opened the fridge and pulled out an energy drink.

“How long have you got?” I replied and pushed the mug away from me. It had gone cold anyway.

“Is this about Lola?” he asked, taking a seat beside me at the breakfast bar. When I didn’t say anything, he sighed. “Mate, that’s some fucked up shit, right there. How is she doing?”

“I dunno, man. She flipped out on me. Went crazy. Mate, this is so fucked up. You know she’s blaming herself, right? Like this is her fault. She wouldn’t even let me near her.”

“It’s fucked up, yeah. But put yourself in her position for just a second. Forget how you feel and see it this way. Nothing about this situation is straight laced. She’s just realised that her boyfriend isn’t off in college like she thought he was. He’s dead. Not only that, but she was the one driving. I’m not saying she killed him or anything. It was an accident. A fucking unthinkable accident,” he added and shook his head, pausing for a few seconds. “To her, it’s like it happened just yesterday. She’s gonna grieve and she’s gonna cry. A lot… And she’s probably blaming herself right now, as we speak. It won’t always be that way, though, Tay. You need to quit being a whiney bitch and just be there for her. She’s just lost someone. Well, not just… but… you know what I mean. Think what it’d do to her if she lost you, too. And from what people are saying around the halls, I’m thinking she could really use a friend right now.”

It took a while to process what Jake had said, but I knew he was right. Only I had no idea how to look after her. I’d never had to look after anyone before and the thought of doing so scared me. What if I fucked it up and she ended up hating me again? I could barely live my days without causing some kind of problem. How would I do this without screwing it up?

Lola wouldn’t even speak to me. It was almost as if she was blaming me.

“What if I can’t be there for her?” I finally asked.

“Then you walk away now. Don’t run in and out of her life like you have been these past few months. Just walk away. Don’t mess her up more, man.”

“And what if I can’t walk away from her?”

“Then you need to decide what the hell it is that you want because fucked if I know.”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

“She’s hurting. Just give her time.”

“I dunno. It’s different this time.” Just as I said that, my phone rang. A number I didn’t recognise flashed before me.

I swiped my thumb across the screen, hoping it was Lola. “Hello?”

A sick and uneasy feeling settled in my stomach as I listened to the person on the other end. I tried to speak, but I was afraid that if I pushed the words out through my mouth, I would throw up.

Jake glanced at me, his face paling as he watched me grip the counter top.

After ending the phone call, I stared up at him and said the words I’d always feared saying. “It’s my mum. She’s in hospital.”

After the news came out about the accident, I started to remember things. It had taken a good few weeks, but slowly I was able to piece everything together. Every new memory was like a thousand lifetimes of pain hitting me in one fell swoop. I could no longer hide from them, no matter how painful they were.

The other morning, I’d flicked the kettle on and boom! Suddenly I was sixteen again. Austin and I had just finished our exams and were sitting in my room discussing sixth form when things became intense. I was still a virgin and we had never really gotten past the kissing stage. We had messed around, but we had always managed to put an end to it before it went too far. This time, though, we didn’t stop. I had been so scared. Scared it would hurt, and of what it would mean for us. Scared that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Afterwards, he held me against his side as he brushed away the loose strands of hair that clung to my forehead. I didn’t care that I looked a mess. I only cared about the person lying next to me who had made love to me like it was the most precious gift anyone could have ever given him. I no longer felt like a kid, and after that day, something had stirred deep within me. I had changed.

I switched the kettle off and ran to the bathroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I wanted to run away from the crippling pain that met me as the memory floated to the surface. What had I done? I knew I would never be free of the pain, and knowing I would have to face people who knew what had happened that night just made me feel worse.

I knew they wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t possibly understand how that felt. Watching someone leave this Earth the way Austin had… Knowing there was nothing I could have done to save him.

I pinched the locket between my fingers, the small reminder of everything I had lost and the only thing I had left of Austin hanging around my neck as if it belonged there. It didn’t, though. Not then, and not now. The memories hadn’t just shone a light on the good times we’d had together. They also brought forward the worst moments we’d ever had.

I had loved him. At the beginning, I’d thought he was my everything. Not just my first love, but my best friend. I had loved him. But loving him had been too easy. And love shouldn’t be easy. It should be hard, terrifying—every day a struggle of wrongs and rights, of faults and feelings. Every day should be fresh and new, exciting and fearful. Never easy. But that didn’t mean I had never loved him. I did. It was just a different kind of love entirely.

The accident didn’t change me. It forced me to open my eyes for the very first time, showing me the person I was always meant to be. Back then, I hadn’t known what true love really was. How could I? I was just a kid. I hadn’t experienced what life could offer me. I hadn’t chased dreams or swum naked in the ocean. I was simply a moulded together version of the girl everyone else wanted to see. A girl who wasn’t really living. A girl who wasn’t really herself.

I had wanted the world. I’d wanted to love so strongly that it physically hurt. I wanted passion, excitement and adventure. I wanted to strip naked and shout from the stands how much I adored this one boy. That was what I wanted. I had loved Austin, but even back then I knew I wanted more. As selfish as that was, I knew he knew it, too. That was why we’d argued that night. We had both been too stubborn to say how we were really feeling, kidding ourselves into believing that what we had was real. Scared because we knew it was the end.

Brie nudged me. “What are you thinking about?”

I sighed and gave her a sad smile. “I’m thinking that I need to do something. I’m sick of looking at these four walls.”

“Let’s do something about it.”

“Like what?” I smirked, knowing this would only end one way.

“Bill’s?” Brie grinned.

“I think I can manage that.” I nodded.

“That’s my girl,” she said, pulling me in for a hug.

I had butterflies all the way there. It felt strange being out in the open air after all those weeks. I breathed in, hoping it would calm my nerves. It wasn’t until we eventually made it inside the bar that I was finally able to relax, knowing I wouldn’t have to see anyone from school.

I grabbed a table while Brie went to the bar and ordered our drinks.

I glanced up at one of the television screens situated on either side of the room and smiled. They were showing a football game, which, judging by the shouting and drinks sloshing everywhere, appeared to be a big match.

I thought of Taylor and how I hoped I would one day see him on the big screen. As quickly as I let that thought enter my mind, though, I pushed it aside.

“Rowdy in here tonight,” Brie said as she slid a vodka and lime my way.

“I think it has something to do with that,” I said, nudging my head towards the screen.

“Ah, yeah. Rye mentioned he was going to a bar in town to watch it with the others.”

I nodded.

“Have you thought any more about when you’re coming back? It sucks not having you in my classes,” she said, pulling at the straw with her teeth and letting it pop back into place.

I knew I would eventually have to have this conversation with her. I’d just hoped I could put it off a little while longer until I had figured out a plan.

I chewed my lip, unsure how to mention it.

“Lola? You are coming back, right?”

“I’m sorry, B. I just can’t go back there. Not after everything.”

“You can’t just quit. If you’re worried about what everyone else will say, don’t be. Taylor saw to that already.”

“He did?”

“Yep.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know any more so I didn’t ask. Instead, I shook my head. “It’s not about that. I just don’t think it’s for me anymore. I want to work.”

Brie made a face, causing me to laugh. “It’s called growing up,” I told her.

“It’s sounds boring.”

“We all have to do it sometime.” I shrugged.

“Eh… I’ll leave that one to you.” She shivered as if the very thought made her sick. I laughed again and continued to sip my drink in silence.

“Gah… I can’t listen to this anymore. My ears hurt,” Brie yelled over the obnoxious noise the men were making.

“Wanna go get something to eat?” I asked her.

“Take out and a bottle of wine?”

“Sounds perfect,” I agreed and grabbed my bag to leave.

“Have you seen Taylor?”

My heart stopped and I glanced up. Melanie.

I pulled the zipper up on my jacket and sighed. “No, and I don’t plan to. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” I said and tried to move past her. I had done so well at avoiding the subject. I usually kept my thoughts to myself because talking about them hurt too much. I had no idea why she would be bringing him up. I was just glad we were leaving so I didn’t have to speak to her.

“He’s a mess. I mean, I haven’t seen him. He hasn’t been at school since it all happened, but I heard from Shelley who spoke to Amy who bumped into Jake, and well…”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“It wasn’t his fault. It was me. All of it. I did this to you, Lola. I ruined things between you both because I was bitter and jealous. I couldn’t handle the fact that he loved you. Not when that was all I wanted. Watching him loving you… Anyone… It hurt. It wasn’t Taylor, Lola. It was me.”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because despite what you both think of me, I do still care about him. I care about him. I probably always will. I guess I just… You should know the truth. Don’t punish him for my mistakes. He needs you. More than you know.”

“Look, I appreciate you telling me all of this, but it doesn’t matter. We’ve both moved on and besides, it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.”

“You might be able to convince yourself of that, but I can’t be fooled so easily.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Maybe not. I do know that this is killing you just as much as it’s killing him. I also know what it feels like to regret the things we do. I can’t change what I did or how I treated you both. But it isn’t too late for you.” With that, she walked away.

I stared at her retreating figure, unable to look away.

Every day that went by, I’d thought of him. As time went on, it became easier to avoid him. He’d stopped calling a little over a week ago. It made me sad knowing he’d given up trying, but I knew it was for the best. Brie stopped mentioning him after a while. She knew it was hard for me to talk about him. My only regret was pushing him away like I had and not believing him when he’d told me he had nothing to do with it. I couldn’t be around him, though. It had been so hard to concentrate on anything other than the way he made me feel when I was, and I had too much going on in my head to give in to those feelings. It wasn’t fair on either of us.

My curiosity, however, had gotten the better of me after a week, and I’d asked Brie about him. She said she had seen him right after it all happened and that she had apologised to him for thinking he was involved. I still owed him that apology, but I figured he wouldn’t want to hear it. Ignoring his calls and pretending he didn’t exist—which I had tried but failed to do—was easier on my heart.

Despite what Melanie had just told me, I knew Taylor would be okay. He had most likely moved on by now and forgotten all about us, and that was okay. I wanted him to be happy, even if that was with someone who wasn’t me. I wouldn’t forget, though. I wouldn’t forget a single second I’d had with him because somewhere along the way, I had fallen in love with Taylor Lawson and that kind of love would never go away no matter the distance or time apart. He would always own my heart.

“Wow. Did she really just apologise?” Brie said, cutting through my thoughts.

I grinned. “Ya know, I think she actually did.”

“Well there’s a turn up for the books.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What she said… about Taylor? Do you think she…?”

I rolled my eyes. “This is Melanie. Every word that comes from her mouth is a lie.”

“Maybe.” Brie shrugged, but I could see she was still thinking it over.

“Do you believe her?”

“I think something is definitely going on with him.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing. Anyway, about that food?” I smirked.

“Sure,” she said. Her smile was flat, but I brushed it aside.