A few days later, I flipped open my laptop and fired it up.

I rarely used Facebook these days unless it was for work. Mostly, it was filled with the same depressing stuff as every other day—never anything happy to smile about. But this time was different. Aubrie had told me about a page that had been set up for Austin. From the way she’d mentioned it, I guessed it was a type of memorial page where people posted about him. When I’d learned the truth about the accident, I’d never even considered searching for him. Maybe a part of me wasn’t ready for it. Even now, I still felt unsure. There would be people out there who wouldn’t understand his death, who wouldn’t understand the reasoning behind my survival. But I knew Aubrie wouldn’t have told me about the page if it she’d thought it would upset me. That knowledge brought me comfort and had me typing his name into the search engine, wishing Brie hadn’t gone away for the Christmas break and was here with me instead. I missed her already.

When a long list of names flashed on the screen, I noticed there was at least a dozen or so Austin Bailey’s in England alone.

I let my finger roam through the list, stopping as Austin’s face came into view with the words, Austin Bailey’s Memorial Page written beneath his profile.

My heart warmed as I traced his smile with my fingertip. His hair fell loose over his brow and his big, brown eyes glistened as he laughed at something. He really was beautiful.

As I clicked on the page, I noticed how many likes it had. Wow. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. Everyone loved Austin, even the people who claimed to hate him.

I scrolled through the posts on the page. Most of them were short and read pretty much the same. “We miss you. Always thinking of you... I hope you’re happy up there…”

I continued scrolling, only stopping to swipe away the tears that had started to fall. “Taken from us too soon. Always in my heart, Aust. See you soon. Avery x”

My heart tightened and I gasped through a sob. She was right. He was taken too soon. Yet, I had spent so long blaming myself and punishing myself for something that I had no control over. Telling myself that if I hadn’t have gotten in the car that night… if I hadn’t argued with him and distracted myself from the road, then none of this would have happened. But I quickly learned that I couldn’t control everything. It was no use going over every little detail, wishing I could change it. It wasn’t fair to punish good people because of a tragic event. And that’s what it was: a tragic event—one that I couldn’t control and had been out of my hands.

With one last look at the brown-eyed boy, I closed the laptop and took a deep breath.

I had been punishing people for far too long. Myself included. I had switched off from the world and lost so much of my life—a life that I was lucky to have. Austin didn’t have that anymore, and I could no longer sit back and waste mine. If his death had taught me anything it was that I needed to live again. I needed to fight for what I wanted and take what I needed. I needed to be strong, considerate and love fiercely.

Even as I thought of Austin and how much of life he wouldn’t get to see, how much he’d already missed out on, there was one person who flashed through my mind. A person I had repeatedly judged and eventually given up on. Someone I knew cared for me, like Austin once had. Someone who needed me whether he realised it or not.

Taylor.

It felt weird being back. Different, almost, yet nothing had changed. The grass, still a luscious shade of green, was just as immaculate as it always had been. No bold patches through weathering. It looked just as serene as it had during the summer months. I’d always admired the dedication it took to maintain its appeal. It must’ve taken a lot of work and hours to keep it looking that way.

I adverted my eyes towards the building where the changing rooms sat, knowing that any moment now, the team would appear, freshly showered and changed from the afternoon’s practice.

Everyone else had broken up for Christmas. Except the football team. They only had a few days away from this place and then it was practice as usual. I was thankful I didn’t have to face anyone else. This was hard enough.

Right on cue, the red door pushed open and one by one, the team exited through the door. I hadn’t seen any of the guys since I’d left. I wasn’t sure how I felt about seeing them again. Weird. That was the first feeling that washed over me. I shook away the sadness that followed shortly after. I missed it there. The field, the guys, hell, I even missed the noise that they carried with them. Up until now, I hadn’t realised just how much.

As the days had begun to lead into months, I had tried to occupy my mind with thoughts that didn’t leave me feeling sad and empty. Although that emptiness was always there, lingering in the distance, I somehow managed to master the art of ignoring it. I started to throw in extra hours at the community centre—not that I got paid for it—and taking online courses to try to advance my credentials. I saw Brie frequently, and we’d even discussed moving in together after she left college, and getting our own place away from there. It didn’t leave time to think about much else, which was how I liked it. The second the loneliness crept in it was as if I was right back where I’d started. Although most of my fond memories were spent on this field, some of my worst had also happened right here in this very spot. I tried everything I could to not go back there.

“You’re back?”

I swivelled on the spot, seeing Darren standing a few feet away. He looked the same as he had the last time I’d seen him, yet in reality, that wasn’t so long ago. It felt it, though.

I smiled awkwardly. “No, just visiting. Hey, Darren.”

I could see the uncertainty in his eyes, but he didn’t give much time for me to over think about it. “Hey, Lo. How have you been?”

“Good, thanks. You?”

“The same, ya know?” He shrugged. “Nothing much changes around here.”

“You’re telling me,” I mumbled.

I didn’t know what else to say. I hadn’t seen Darren in such a long time and things had become awkward between us since our horrendous date. Still, even to this day, I wasn’t sure why. He was the one who had ditched me that night. But I wasn’t mad at him for that. If anything, I was thankful because it had led me to one of the most amazing, beautiful moments of my life.

I pushed the memories to the back of my mind.

“Is Jake around?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t missed him already.

Darren looked back towards the door. One hand left his pocket and he began to scratch the back of his neck. “Yeah, Coach called him back to go over some things for next week. He shouldn’t be much longer.”

“Great. I’ll hang around and wait then.”

He nodded in understanding. “Cool. I’d stick around and wait with ya, but I’ve gotta shoot.”

“No, it’s fine,” I said, waving him off. “It was good seeing you again.”

“Yeah, you, too. And hey,” he said before walking away. “Don’t be a stranger.”

I smiled as he took off towards the car park. That had gone better than expected. I only hoped that Jake would be as polite.

Tipping my chin, I gazed up at the stands. Something about the quietness of the late afternoon gave me a sense of familiarity. It wasn’t hard for me to realise what—or who—that was.

Before I realised what was happening, my feet had already taken the first few steps towards the barriers and continued until they stopped just at our spot. I reached a hand out, grazing the plastic seat with my fingertip before I sat down and released a sigh.

This spot held so many memories. It was hard to ignore the way they bubbled to the surface. Like the day I watched Taylor play for the first time, I remembered thinking how hot he looked in his home kit. The crimson red brought out his complexion, hugging him like it was his second skin. But that wasn’t the only thing that drew me in and forced my attention to remain solely on him. It was seeing the pride on his face as he worked his way down the pitch towards the goal, ignoring every defender who stood in his way. Watching with such intensity as he swerved the ball from left to right, his timing and balance so precise it was almost as if he’d played that same game over and over, hundreds of times before. Knowing Taylor, he most likely had. His passion was something I envied. Being invested in something so strongly that it seeped through your veins and became something of a necessity, taking every option granted, was a blessing. He used it as a challenge, always seeing it through until the very end. When the job was done, the rewards were reaped, and boy did they know how to celebrate.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his face that day. I didn’t need to see anything else because the whole game had been written across his face. The determination and loss of contact, the admiration he felt towards a teammate whenever they made a perfect pass. Even the worry he felt as he, along with hundreds of other souls, watched in anticipation as the minutes on the clock ticked by. All of it was written across his beautiful face, as clear as the clouds in the sky on a summer’s day.

I sighed, wishing I could go back and change how things had ended between us. I hated not knowing if he was okay or not. And if he wasn’t, I hated knowing that maybe I played some part in his unhappiness. I missed him. I missed the way he made me feel. I missed the warmth of his arms when he hugged me close to his chest. I missed how breathing in his scent made me feel like I could do and be anyone as long as I had him by my side.

I glanced up, no longer feeling alone, and saw Jake standing a few feet away, a frown marring his forehead. “Lola?” he whispered, as if he couldn’t quite believe I was really there.

“Hey, Jake,” I said, pushing up from the warmth of the chair. “How are you?”

Jake pulled his bag higher onto his shoulder and shrugged. “What are you doing here? Last I heard you left this place well behind you.” The hard edge to his voice made me grimace. Unlike Darren, Jake didn’t seem too happy about my presence.

“It wasn’t like that,” I said, shaking my head. He had every right to be mad at me. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I guess I just thought... I don’t know. Jake was always so good to me when it came to Taylor. I thought he understood. “It’s just… I wanted to…”

“To what?” he asked coldly.

“I needed to see you—to ask how Taylor was. I tried to call him, but he didn’t answer.”

“Did you really expect him to?”

“I hoped he would,” I replied honestly.

“You know what you did to him, right? You were the first girl he gave his heart to. He wanted to be with you, even when he was sworn off you. I thought you were different. So did he. Guess we all make bad calls.” He shrugged and started to walk away.

Knowing I wouldn’t get another chance, I jogged down the steps and hurried towards him. “I didn’t mean to hurt him, Jake. You have to know that,” I yelled, coming to a stop in front of him.

Jake sighed and stopped walking. “What do you want, Lola?”

“I want to know that he’s okay. Just tell me and I’ll go. You won’t even have to see me again, I promise.”

Jake ran his hands over his face and through his damp hair. “Look. I’m not gonna stand here and pretend everything’s cool when it isn’t. I get that it wasn’t just you. In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve known Taylor my whole life, and more than anyone, I know what a bastard he can be. But he’s also my family and when he’s upset, so am I. You gave up on him without even giving him the chance to explain. Do you know what that did to him? Seeing him every day so torn up over you—not eating, not sleeping, constantly worrying over whether or not you were okay. He might’ve done wrong by you in the beginning, but he more than made up for that. He gave up the person he once was, for you. For you. If you ask me, he shouldn’t have bothered. Some people just aren’t worth it. You feel bad? Well, welcome to my world. See, you’re not the only one who felt like they lost him. I did, too.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought—”

“That’s just it. You thought wrong so the rest of us have to suffer.”

“Please, Jake. I have to know where he is. Let me explain it to him.”

“I’m not sure he’ll even listen.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s a fucking mess, that’s what I mean. I’ve never seen him like this before. Not even when…” Jake shook his head.

“What’s going on? What’s wrong with him?

“Look. It’s not my place to tell you. You need to ask him.”

“I tried. He’s not answering my calls.”

Jake let out a frustrated sigh and started pulling bits out from inside his bag. “Turn around,” he said, and I did as I was told.

Jake placed something against my back. It felt as though he was drawing on me. I frowned just as he pulled away.

“He moved out,” he told me, holding out a piece of paper. “You’ll find him here.”

I took the paper from his fingers and glanced at it. It was an address. I blew out a breath. “Thank you, Jake. Thank you so much.”

I turned to leave, but before I could, Jake gripped my arm and spun me to face him. “Go easy on him,” he said. Then he let me go.