Nineteen

Paislee

I don’t know why, but my stomach was in knots. The moment I heard them call out his name it started to spin. With only a few short steps separating us, I thought I might hurl. 

“Can we talk?” I asked him.

He didn’t respond with words, only shook his head. 

I followed him through the crowd of people and out the back entrance. 

“I tried texting you on Monday. You weren’t in class.”

He propped his foot up against the brick siding of the building and leaned back. His demeanor was different than normal. It made him seem rigid. 

“I had some stuff to take care of at home,” he said. His tone was clipped and it made me feel like he didn’t want to be near me, like I was somehow wasting my breath.

I stepped a little closer to him, and I could finally see where Josh had punched him. There was a small cut on the bottom corner of his lip. “I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry about what Josh did. He was out of line, and I wanted to tell you…”

“Don’t,” he shook his head. “It’s not that big of a deal. I know how you feel about him, and it’s not like the two of us were dating.” He shrugged his shoulders.

That stung a little, even though it was the truth. He wasn’t even going to give me a chance to explain myself. I wanted to tell him the truth about everything.

“But…” I started to speak again.

“I really got to go.” He pushed himself away from the wall and grazed my shoulder with his as he walked by. 

“Jude, wait. Dammit!” I pulled on his jacket so that he would turn and face me. Then I yanked him down so that my lips slammed against his. If he wasn’t going to listen to reason, then I was going to show him. 

In the heat of the moment, I stood on my tiptoes taking in every breath of his that I could claim. His warm, thick lips covered mine and sent chills up my body. That was it. That was the kiss I’d been longing for. I tightened my grip on his shirt, pleading with him. I never wanted him to let go of me. His hands lowered down my back, and he pushed my body tightly against his making me moan into his mouth. I needed him. I slipped my tongue into his mouth, and pressed it hard against his. Every sensation in my body was heightened by a thousand percent. It was sweet death, and I wished for it to take me.

As quick as the kiss began, is just how quick it stopped. He pulled away from me so fast it made my head spin. 

“I said don’t.” He spewed. His eyes were filled with hurt. I don’t know what I did. 

But as I stood there and watched him walk away, I felt my heart break. It shattered into pieces inside my chest, and cut away all the feelings that had built a wall around my heart. Every single piece of me was shaken. 

It hurt. 

It was so painful that it hurt me to breathe. 

He walked away from that kiss like it meant nothing to him. Yet, it meant everything to me. 

It was surreal. I’d never let anyone in like that. I’d never taken the initiative to put myself out there before. I did on a whim because my mind had all sorts of crazy things going on inside. I wanted to see if what I was feeling was real, and it was.

But I guess for him, it wasn’t. 

Taking the deepest breath I could, I straightened myself up. Feeling like a fool made you feel like you were three inches tall. I used my hands to wipe away the tears that I didn’t even realize had fallen. I was such an idiot. 

So stupid.

I should’ve known better.

I stood outside for a few more minutes composing myself before I went back inside to Josh. If he’d seen me having a meltdown then Jude would be toast. Josh wouldn’t even ask questions. He’d just pound his face in, and I didn’t want that. It was best for me to just pretend like everything was cool. There was no sense in worrying Josh about the whole situation. 

Opening the back door, I made a beeline for the restroom. After splashing some cool water on my face, and smiling like an idiot in front of the mirror, I was ready. 

“So how did it go?” Josh asked loudly over the music. 

“Good,” I lied, and plastered on the fakest smile ever. I never wanted to talk about this night to anyone. I just wanted to forget the whole thing happened, but I knew that it would be easier said than done.

“Let’s dance,” I told him as I grabbed his hand. 

He smiled. I needed more dancing, and less talking. 

And… 

I needed a drink.

***

The rest of the week seemed to fly by. Jude never showed back up again for class. I looked for that cowboy hat every time, thought I sat all the way on the other side of the room. I was worried that if he did show up, things would be weird. There was no way I was going to find myself in another crazy situation with him. That was why I chose to be as far away from our usual seats as possible.

It was hard dealing with the charade of being okay around Josh. I spent a whole night talking it over with Letty, and she let me cry on her shoulder. It hurt when Josh told me that he didn’t love me back the way that I loved him, but it didn’t compare to the way I was feeling about Jude. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Jude and I barely knew each other, but we just had this instant connection. I’d gotten the complete wrong impression from him, because I thought he was into me. It was almost like my heart knew that he was, but it was gone in a flash. Just like that, I was left standing alone in a dark parking lot with my pride stomped on. It was the first time in nineteen years that I’d ever felt that embarrassed and foolish. 

Letty said my pride would heal, and that I shouldn’t let any guy get the best of me. She was sadly right, but I wanted to take the time to heal. I wanted to wallow in my hurt pride, and have a pity party. I deserved it. 

With all my butt hurt, I knew that all I really wanted to do was go home for a while. I couldn’t wait for spring break. I never thought I’d ever say that. The next best thing was calling home to talk to Mom. We spent over an hour talking, and I was surprised to learn that she was missing me. I couldn’t remember the last time we talked for over an hour. Granted it was mostly about how things were going at home, and how busy Dad had been, but I didn’t mind. It was a nice change of pace for me after college classes and parties. We got to talk a little about Josh, and I mentioned Jude. Not in full detail, because she wouldn’t understand. You could only imagine just how fun it was bringing another guys name up in the conversation.

When it came to guys who weren’t named Josh, Mom didn’t want to hear of it. She skated right over the subject, like I hadn’t even mentioned it. 

We also talked a little about Letty. I confided in my Mom about the things I knew about her, and about how worried I was about her all the time. The girl had a dresser with nothing on it, and a closet with nothing in it. Mom wasn’t sympathetic at all. She’d never “waste her time,” as she’d say it, on someone of limited means. In other words, she was a really snobby bitch sometimes, but she was still my Mom. Like it or not, I was stuck with her. 

It was nice just hearing her voice and having that little piece of home. I told her that I’d see her over spring break and I’d try to call her again before then. That satisfied her. But, she couldn’t hang up the phone without telling me to go shopping. There was a new bag that I just had to have. 

I didn’t need a new bag, but I could think of someone who did, and maybe getting out for some girl time would do me some good. 

Well, at least it was a good thought. I couldn’t get Letty on board. She said she’d rather stick a hot poker on her right butt cheek. A hot poker over shopping, the girl was nuts. Next time, I’d bribe her with food.