Eight

Josh

She was scaring the shit out of me. Her face was pale, and she was shivering. Maybe she was cold, but it sure seemed like something else was going on. 

I reached for her hand, but she pulled away. “We have to talk,” she said again.

“Okay. Do you want to go somewhere else?” I asked. I’d never seen her like that. 

She nodded and I looked around. I noticed that there was a little café across the street that still had its lights on. I pointed to it, but she shook her head no. 

“Can we just go to your car?” 

“Yeah, come on.” I placed my hand on the small of her back and led her to my car. My mind was reeling or maybe I’d just had one too many beers.

After I closed the door, I started the car and turned on the heat. 

“Now what’s going on?” I asked, too anxious to wait any longer. If there was someone that needed an ass kicking, I was ready. 

She looked at me then looked at her hands. She was killing me with anticipation. 

“I’ve got something to tell you.”

Before even realizing it I barked, “Just tell me already.” I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but I was aggravated beyond belief. 

“I will!” She yelled. “Shut up and let me talk. Don’t you dare say another word, Joshua Landon?” 

Aw shit! She used my middle name. 

“Fine,” I replied.

She shook her hands out in front of her, like she was trying to get feeling in them. It took everything I had not to say anything, but for her to be that serious I knew something was wrong.

“I should’ve told you this a long time ago, but I was scared. I’m still scared.” Her voice cracked. She held up a finger to keep me from saying anything. “We’ve been best friends for nine or ten years now, and, well…” She paused and moved farther away from me. Her eyes looked out the window instead of at me. 

I had no clue what she was about to say. None!

She ran her hands along her thighs before she started to speak again. She took a deep breath. “I have to tell you that, I love you.”

“I love you too, Lee,” I replied quickly.

“No Josh,” she shook her head. “ I love you, love you. I’ve been in love with you since I was ten years old. I should’ve told you, but I was scared. And now, I just… I had to tell you because it’s eating me up inside.”

My mouth grew dry, and I had no idea what to say. 

No. No. No. I repeated the words over and over in my head. She was my best friend. Sure, I thought she was beautiful, and smart, and the greatest person ever. But she was like a sister to me. We had comfort. Comfort was a good thing. There was nothing ever physical in our relationship. I could only ever remember one time that I wanted her, but I shut those feelings down. I couldn’t lose my best friend. This wasn’t happening. NO.

“You can say something now.” Her tiny voice was barely heard above my screaming thoughts. 

FUCK! It was the first time I’d been at a loss for words my whole life. The longer I sat there the worse I felt. My stomach shifted, and I felt like I was about throw up every beer I’d consumed. 

I had to say something, but I had to be careful with my words. She was my best friend and I’d never want to hurt her. Not in a million years. 

I laid my hand on top of hers, and she turned to face me. “You’re my best friend,” I told her. “You mean the world to me.” My words were slow and deliberate, and her eyes were filled with tears. 

It was so hard to see her like that, and I knew my words were going to cut her deep. But I had to say them. I had to tell her the truth. I owed it to her to be honest. I just hoped that it wouldn’t change things between us. It would tear me apart if it did. 

“I love you Lee, but.” I paused.

A single tear slid down her cheek.

“Please don’t cry. You’re killing me.” I took a deep breath. “We can’t.”

“I feel like such a dumb ass,” she wiped her cheek.

“Hey! No. Don’t do that. We’ve always been honest with each other. I’m glad you told me how you were feeling. I just can’t do that to our friendship. I won’t screw it up this way.” I squeezed her hand tighter. “If we tried to have something beyond friendship, things will never be the same between us ever again. That’s not a risk I’m willing to take.”

“But, I love you,” she cried.

“Come here,” I pulled her to my chest. “I love you too, Lee. I love you so much. I hope you know that. It is killing me right now to see you like this.”

And it was. I would rather shoot myself in the foot than have to watch her cry. 

Talk about sobering up. I could feel a hangover already starting.

I held her close to my chest and rubbed her back. I knew I was doing the right thing. Sure it would be hard now, but our friendship would be stronger for it. I could never see myself loving her any other way, no matter how beautiful she was. Sure I’d thought about screwing the daylights out of her, but I always knew that it was just a fantasy in my mind. I’d never actually do it. But it’s like suddenly everything made sense. The lack of dating, the way she never talked about anyone else, and not to mention how pissed off she was when I was getting blown by some random chick at a party.

Bring on the guilt. 

My mind was spiraling out of control. “God I’m sorry.” I held her tighter. I pulled back and placed my hands on her red, puffy cheeks. “All this time,” I shook my head. 

“I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes. 

“You don’t have to be sorry. You’re beautiful and someone is going to love you, and in my eyes, they may never be good enough for you. But you’ll find someone. Please don’t be sorry. We can forget this. We can move on like nothing happened.”

That’s all I wanted. I wouldn’t hold her back if she wanted to date people. That had never been my intentions. This was all out of the blue for me. As hard as it was to hear her say it, it was even harder for me to hear it. 

“Can we forget this ever happened? Please?” I pleaded.

She nodded, but didn’t say another word. 

The silence was eerie inside my car, and I was ready to go back to my room and just lay down. Classes were starting back in a couple of days and I just wanted to chill out. My head was pounding like a drum.

“I’m ready to go. Can you drive?”

“Yeah,” she answered. 

I thought she’d be more excited, but she was just as exhausted as I was. I texted Garrett and told him I was heading back to the dorm, and I’d leave some money on his nightstand for the bill. He was cool with that. He knew I wouldn’t stiff him. 

She climbed into the driver’s seat and pulled out of the crowded parking lot. Her silence was sickening. She said things were going to be same. She agreed. But this foreign feeling in the pit of my stomach had me worried. 

Maybe she just said that for my sake. Only time would tell. I just had to give her some space. I had to let her think about where I was coming from, and I had to hope that my decision to say no didn’t ruin anything because that was what I was trying to prevent. 

I wouldn’t lose this friendship without a fight.