Chapter 19
WHEN Connor and the others reached Ryland and Lia’s suite, the first thing he noticed was the aura of peace. It radiated all over that section of the floor, even through the closed door. Perhaps it had something to do with the hushed tones coming from inside. Grabbing Elaine’s hand, he knocked lightly and led the others in.
Lia lay on the couch, holding a little bundle. A beautiful smile lit up her face. Ryland, crouching next to her, had tears in his eyes. They were surrounded by Soren, Gioia, Fleur, and Jani. Marcelle was there too, holding baby Lloyd, keeping Andy and Layla at bay. Josh stood behind them, recording something on a piece of paper. Everyone looked up as they entered.
They might have missed the birth, but Mom and baby looked healthy, and that was all that mattered.
Ryland stood, wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, and walked over to greet them. “Hey. Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” said Connor. “Everything’s fine.”
“Good.” Ryland beamed. “Come meet our son.”
They all approached, moving slowly and gingerly as a unit, as if their movements would jostle the baby. As they huddled around the new family, Connor checked on Josh. “The man gets injured and still can’t stay away from work.” He clapped him on the back. “You’re a trooper, Doc.”
Josh smiled. “This isn’t work. This is family.”
“Don’t you worry, Connor,” said Marcelle as she handed Lloyd to Charlotte. “Josh and I had some time to talk while we were locked in that basement. We’re planning a long vacation.”
“Together?”
Marcelle smiled at Josh. “Together.”
Connor shook Josh’s hand. “Congratulations, guys. That’s awesome.”
Elaine brushed some damp hair off Lia’s forehead. “How’s Mom?”
“Sore and tired,” Lia replied, “but happy. He’s perfect. Here, Elaine. Hold him.”
Elaine took the baby from Lia. “He’s beautiful. So much black hair like his dad.” She touched his cheek. “Hey, little guy. Welcome to the family.”
“His name is Kody,” said Lia.
“Short for Kodiak.” Ryland grinned. “He’s going to be one tough bear.”
“Kody Snow.” Elaine kissed the infant. “I love it.”
“Actually,” said Ryland, “his full name is Kody Gleason Snow.”
Elaine’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you. Lloyd would be so proud.” She held him up for Connor to see. “Look, Connor. He’s adorable.”
Connor rested his head on her shoulder. “He sure is.” He touched the tiny toes, just visible under the tip of the swaddling blanket. “Look at those chubby toes. I think he has your feet, Ry.”
“Nah, mine are too hairy. He must have his mom’s.” Ryland leaned over and kissed Lia’s cheek. “I love you.”
She leaned against him and closed her eyes for a moment.
“Mommy, Mommy!” Layla danced around Elaine’s feet. “Can I hold him?”
“Please,” begged Andy. “I promise not to drop him.”
Elaine glanced at Lia and Ryland. They nodded.
“Okay,” said Elaine. “Let’s all sit over here together, and I’ll help you. But we can’t keep him too long. Everyone wants a chance to meet baby Kody.” She had them sit next to her on the opposite couch and taught them how to hold a baby.
Rapt, Connor watched his little family. His heart was filled to bursting. Seeing Elaine, her face transformed, he’d never been so happy.
He wanted this. With her. One day, if she was in agreement, maybe they could talk about having their own child. Nothing would make him prouder than to create a little brother or sister for Layla and Andy.
Elaine looked up and saw his expression. Something in her smile faltered. A shadow passed through her eyes, but she looked away so quickly Connor convinced himself he was seeing things.
They were happy. He loved her and she…well, he knew it was early but after everything they’d been through, she had to feel the same way he did. And if not, it had to happen soon. They were meant for each other. Their road to one another had veered, taking them both in different directions for a while, but it was straight and clear now. His mountain lion doted on her bear. Their bodies responded to each other with desire. Neither of them wanted the other to be unhappy.
It all had to count for something, didn’t it?
He loved her, and he would make her realize she loved him.
* * * *
A couple of days later, life returned to normal at the Ursa Resort, as normal as it would ever be. Connor confirmed with Ryland that he would be staying on the security team indefinitely. He no longer had any desire to ditch Gemini Island for Toronto. Here, he was home. Here, he might not be making contributions on a grand scale, but he was helping his own people, a people who had little in the way of formal support systems. The work they did at the Ursa was important to him, and he was excited to see what the future would bring.
In addition, and most important of all, he was helping those who were closest to him. If life had taught him anything recently, it was to hold his dear ones close and to never take them for granted. There were no guarantees in this life, not even for strong shape shifters. Connor wanted to be with Elaine, to be able to continue developing his relationship with her and the children.
They’d moved her back into her cabin now that the threat had been eliminated. Together with the kids, they spent a lot of quiet moments there, just enjoying each other’s company. Each night, Connor and Elaine fell into bed, clinging to one another. Not an hour went by when he didn’t want to tell her he loved her.
And yet he hadn’t yet. The words “I love you” stuck in his throat every time they occurred to him. Something was holding him back. Nerves. Bad timing. The fear of having her laugh in his face. Whatever it was, it was getting the best of him.
It occurred to him he’d never actually said those words to a woman before. He’d never been in love, and no matter how sexually active he’d been, he was never the sort of man to use the words lightly. They meant something, even if he didn’t always understand the depth of feeling behind them.
He did now.
When he looked at Elaine, everything in him felt light and airy and excited. He looked forward to being with her and wanted to learn everything that made her tick. He wanted to slay her dragons and put stars in her eyes.
However, Connor was all too aware those stars didn’t quite glitter just yet.
Something was on her mind.
He knew it every time he mentioned the future and she averted her gaze. He felt it when he moved inside her, late at night, and she held him the way she might hold on to a life preserver in a stormy sea. Not knowing what troubled her made him feel sick.
Run! It’s what you do best.
His own words came back to haunt him again and again. He hadn’t meant to hurt her then, but his insides had been rubbed raw upon learning she would disappear to Alaska. Now, whenever he sensed her retreating emotionally, that rawness returned. It scraped at his flesh, and although his wounds weren’t visible, he felt the toughening of every scar.
This was the first time in his life his happiness was wrapped up in one woman. Elaine had all the power in their relationship, or so it seemed. She certainly had power over him. She had the ability to destroy him, and he was sure they both knew it.
He was already bracing himself. Every day he awoke, expecting the worst, thankful to have whatever he had with her.
One night, after they put Layla and Andy to bed, Connor caught Elaine gazing out the living room window. He moved behind her and hugged her from behind. “Nice night, huh?”
“Yeah.” Her voice was quiet and pensive. “The snow’s finally melting. I saw the tips of some crocuses today. Spring is on its way.”
He spun her around in his arms and brushed a stray hair off her cheek. “Do you really want to talk about crocuses, or do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Connor. I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking, that’s all.”
His stomach pitched. “Is it about Lloyd?”
“No.” She placed a hand on his arm and smiled. “Not this time. I’ve been thinking about my parents, actually. They’ve been in contact and want to see me and the kids. It’s been too long. I want to visit them.”
“Of course.” Elaine’s folks lived about an hour away. “That would be good for you. I’ll drive you any time you want.”
Her smile faded. “Thanks, but I need to do this alone.”
Alone. Why did that word scare the shit out of him? “Okay, but if you’re worried about me getting time off work, Ry will understand.”
“It’s not that. I appreciate your offer, but this isn’t something you can do with me.” She inhaled and exhaled. “I’m going to tell my parents about me and the kids being shape shifters. It’s time they got the whole story.”
“Are you sure you want to do that? Not everyone has an easy time telling the humans in their lives, and not everyone can be trusted with that sort of information.”
“I trust them to accept us.”
“But you have all kinds of support right here on Gemini Island.”
“I know, but it’s different for you, Connor. Your parents, your brother, they’re all shifters. You have no secrets, none this big anyway. Life is short, even for us. I don’t want to live it under a huge cloud of mystery. I’ve had to distance myself from my parents out of necessity, but I don’t want to anymore. Seeing Ry and Lia with the new baby has made me reconsider so much. I don’t ever want to take my family for granted, not any of them.”
“I don’t want to see you get hurt, Elaine.”
“Neither do I, but they still need to know the truth. If they turn us away, they turn us away, but it’ll bother me if I never give them a chance.”
This conversation didn’t sit well with him, despite the logic of her words. “I’d still feel better if I came with you.”
“Oh, Connor. Believe me, I’m tempted. It would be easy for me to rely on you to fix my problems. You’re a fixer, and you do it well.” She stood on tiptoes and kissed him at the corner of the mouth. “But I need to start fixing things for myself.”
“I understand.” His mountain lion hissed. Okay, maybe he didn’t really want to understand.
“Besides it’ll just be a couple of days. A short visit.”
“Sure. I get it.”
A short visit.
He didn’t believe that for a minute.
* * * *
“I hear you’ve made plans to visit your folks.” Josh listened to Elaine’s heart as he made conversation. “Connor tells me you’ve planned some time away.”
“Just a couple of days.” Elaine breathed in whenever he gave her the nod. “If you give me the all clear, of course.”
Josh’s wounds were almost all healed. Despite a few bruises and a cut under his eye, he looked like himself again. He’d been hanging around the resort a lot more and always in Marcelle’s company. In fact, they’d been inseparable. Elaine envied them the ease with which they’d fallen in love. They made it look so easy.
Why was it she was fumbling so much?
Josh removed his stethoscope and pulled up a stool so he could sit opposite her. Still perched on the examination room table, she adjusted her shirt, doing up the buttons.
“Your heart is strong, Elaine,” he said. “How have you been feeling, in general?”
“Fine. No more shortness of breath. No nausea or pains.”
“Good. Been sleeping well?”
He’d seen her dark circles. Would she ever get rid of those? “Okay, I guess.”
“Tell me the truth.”
“Boy, I can’t get anything past you, can I? You’re right. I haven’t been sleeping well at all.”
“Why not?”
She slid off the exam table and pulled up a chair next to him. “Josh, how did you know Marcelle was your mate?”
His eyes widened, and he grinned. “Well, based on my knowledge of shifter nature, I reviewed the symptoms as they presented themselves and formed a hypothesis.” He laughed and shook his head. “You know what, Elaine? I could describe the phenomenon in a variety of scientific terms, but who the hell really cares? At the end of the day, I just wanted her. I wanted Marcelle more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life.”
“Sounds simple.”
“It was. I know we still have lots to learn about each other, but it doesn’t matter. The bond is there. It surprised the hell out of us both, but it’s there. Everything else will work itself out.” He gave her the side eye. “Is everything okay with you and Connor?”
“I’m not sure it is.”
“What does your bear tell you?”
“Oh, my bear loves him. My bear can’t get enough of him.”
“But that’s not good enough?”
“I don’t know. When Lloyd came into my life, it was like a fireball lighting up the darkness. It was explosive and shocking and new. With Connor, it’s been different. He’s been my friend. My cushion. We’ve known each other so long, and it makes sense to follow my heart, but I’m scared my heart is wrong. What if I’m mistaking comfort for love?”
“Do you honestly think that’s all you get from Connor? Comfort?”
“It’s more than that, but I don’t know how to describe it. With Lloyd…”
“Elaine.” Josh reached for her hand. “I don’t think it’s fair for you to compare this with what you had with Lloyd. Connor’s not the same man.”
“I know, and I wouldn’t change him. I’m not trying to replicate my marriage. I’m just worried I’m not doing Connor justice. Maybe it’s not possible for me to feel the same heat again. What if I’m done with fireworks? What if I’m destined to stay lukewarm? Because Connor deserves better than lukewarm. I don’t ever want him to feel second best.”
“What does he feel?”
“I don’t know.”
“I think you need to talk to him about it.”
She nodded.
“For what it’s worth, I think you and Connor are going to be just fine. Cut yourself some slack. Take some time to regroup. It’ll all become clear soon enough.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so. Oh, and there’s no reason you or the kids can’t visit your parents.” He smiled. “You’re healthy, Elaine. Live your life. I have every faith it’ll be a long one.”
* * * *
Elaine checked the clock for the fifth time that evening. Seven o’clock. Connor would be back from his shift any time now.
When she heard his footfall on the porch, she tensed. He opened the door, glanced around the empty cabin, and closed it behind him. “Hey, lady. Where are the munchkins? In bed already?”
“I asked Fleur to babysit.”
“Oh, okay.” He toed off his boots and set them in tidy formation on the doormat. His movements slow, he removed his jacket and hung it on the coatrack. “It’s just us then.”
She wasn’t sure how such quiet tones could echo so loudly in her head. His stiff posture put her on guard, and he didn’t bound into the room like he always did. In fact, he seemed hesitant to enter.
Connor was already readying himself.
He knew.
She’d hurt him with all this uncertainty. She wouldn’t hurt him anymore.
“Connor, can we talk?”
He stood still for a moment but then moved into the living room and sat next to her on the couch. Before settling in, he dropped a kiss onto her head. “Sure.”
Elaine’s bear rolled around, its animal heart in tatters, but she held her head high. “I wanted to let you know I’m all set to visit my parents next week. I’m heading out on Monday. They’re excited to see us.”
“I’m glad. I hope it goes well.”
“Thanks. While I’m there, I’m going to talk to an old friend of mine. Laurie homeschooled her kids, and I think I should do that for Layla and Andy for a while, you know, until they’re ready to enroll in a primary school. With everything going on the past year, I haven’t been able to give them a proper start to their education.”
“They’re still little. I think you’re making a good decision with homeschooling. That way, you won’t be stressed about them shifting in a classroom.”
“Exactly.” He always understood. “There’s something else I want you to know. My parents have asked us to stay with them for a while. If our discussion about shifters goes well, I’m going to take them up on their offer.”
“A while?” His dark eyes grew black. “How long is a while?”
“I’m not sure. It’s been so long since we’ve had a proper visit, and the kids miss their grandparents. I’m leaving it open-ended.”
“Open-ended.” He stood and walked over to the window, his hands shoved in his pants pockets. She could see only his profile, but the line of tension in his jaw was plainly visible. He didn’t look at her for a long time, and when he did, the anger and pain in his face took her breath away. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
She tried to keep her voice from cracking. “Not forever.”
Don’t hate me, Connor. Please don’t hate me.
He stood still, staring at her. He blinked a few times, but his eyes still watered.
Her pillar of strength was crumbling before her eyes.
She did this. She was the one hurting him.
Like a statue springing to life, Connor suddenly rushed over. Dropping to his knees before her, he grasped her hands. “Don’t. Please.”
Her ears burned with his fervent whisper. “Connor, I have to.”
“No, no, no, you don’t.” He laid his forehead on her lap. When he looked up again, his eyes were red. “I’ll give you space. I’ll give you whatever you need, just don’t go. Please. I’ll be whatever you want, whoever you want. I’ll be more like Lloyd.
Lloyd. Just like that, her repaired heart shattered. Her pent-up agony escaped in a cry. “Don’t say that! I don’t want you to be like Lloyd.”
“Don’t you?” He pulled away from her and stood, pacing. “Admit it, Elaine. It’s the reason you’ve tolerated me so far. I’m a reminder of what you lost.”
“Take that back.” This conversation, as much as it would haunt her, was proof she’d made the right decision. She had to do this. “I don’t tolerate you.”
“Do you love me?”
“You know I love you.”
“No, I don’t. I know you love me as a friend, but as a lover? As your mate? I have no idea how you feel for me.”
“It’s hard to put in words.”
“No, Elaine, it’s really not. I can put it into words just fine.” He held his hands out at his sides in a gesture of surrender. “I love you. You’re my mate. I want to build a life with you. I want children with you. I want to walk the same path you do, every goddamn day for the rest of my life. I want forever with you.”
His beautiful words forced her into a state of silence. Her lips moved, but no sound emerged, like a flounder gasping for air.
“But you don’t love me.”
“It’s not true.”
“No? Then tell me the truth.”
He sat back down next to her and brought his beautiful body close to hers, making it hard to think. How was she even supposed to string two words together when he crowded her like this? Didn’t he understand how her synapses fired when she was around him? “I just need time.”
“Like when you took off to Alaska?”
“Connor.”
“Were you looking for time when you jumped into bed with me? Because I could have sworn you were looking for something else.”
“You have no idea how hard this is.”
“I don’t know how hard this is? Give me a break. Elaine, you allowed me to be a part of your family, and now you’re taking it away. You’re fucking killing me.” He dragged his hands through his hair and hung his head. His tears dripped onto his jeans, dotting the faded denim. “I should have known you’d run away again. I should have known I couldn’t keep you.”
No. Even though this was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, she had to do it. But she would not allow Connor to put his spin on it. He had it all wrong. She had to explain herself better. “Connor, you don’t understand.”
When he looked up, the wildness in his eyes almost broke her. “Educate me.”
“I’m not running away from you.” Her bear howled, already mourning its loss. “I’m leaving because I need to be better for you.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Listen to me, please.” She grabbed his hand. He pulled away. Oh, God, he’s pulling away. “The entire time we’ve been together, I’ve been broken. I’ve been in pieces, and it’s only lately I’ve started to mend. You mended me. But, Connor, I need to learn to be happy again, or I can never be happy with you.”
“I am happy with you.”
“You’re comfortable with me, you’re content with me, but I want to make you deliriously happy.”
“Don’t I get to decide what makes me delirious?”
“Of course, but we’ve both coped with sadness for so long I’m not sure we remember what it’s like to be truly happy. Connor, sometimes I feel like Lloyd got the best part of me. He got the hope and passion and enthusiasm. You got Broken Elaine. You were cheated, and I don’t want to cheat you any longer.”
“But—”
“I don’t want you to have part of me. I want to be able to give you my whole heart, and not just the part that used to belong to Lloyd. You shouldn’t have to feel second rate. You’re not Lloyd, it’s true, but I never wanted you to be him. He’s gone. You’re alive, and when I tell you I love you, I need you to believe it’s not based on something dead.” She shook her head as tears flew from her eyes. “Look what Royal Hill did to those women. He turned them into replicas of Jinny. Empty, hollow models. I refuse to do that to you.”
“You’re wrong when you say I haven’t been happy. I have.”
“And you’ve made me happier than I’ve been in a long time, but there are still spots of darkness inside me, and I don’t want to spread them to you. Josh says my heart is healed. For that, I’ll always be grateful to you, but I still need to grieve, and I need to do it alone. I can’t ask you to support my grief anymore.”
His lips twitched under his beard as he tried to come up with a rebuttal, so she kissed him. At first, he resisted, keeping his mouth shut, but as their tears mingled on their lips, she slid her tongue against the tight seam. He opened to her on a choking noise, and she claimed his mouth.
Mine, mine, mine. You might not believe it, Connor Church, but you’re mine.
He cursed and pulled away. “Stop. You don’t understand what your kisses do to me.”
Only she did because this one was destroying her.
“I won’t let you kiss me like that and walk away, Elaine. I have some pride left.”
His words lodged in her heart, tearing through the tender flesh. “I’m sorry.”
She waited for his forgiveness, but it never came.
No matter how much he loved her, in this moment he hated her.
She wiped her face, wishing he would wipe it for her. He didn’t. He was too busy looking at her as if she were a tyrant who’d just razed a small village.
“Connor, I swear I’m not leaving you. I’m asking you to give me some time so I can return to you whole.”
“What if you decide you don’t want to come back?”
“I need you to trust that I will. Can you do that for me?”
He swallowed. His gaze fell. As it did, she swore she saw his hope smashing on the floor.
“I don’t know, Elaine.” He was walking away from her. A few more steps took him to the door. Away. From. Her. “I don’t know if I can trust you to come back this time.”
As she grappled with this truth, he threw on his boots and coat. The door to the cabin opened. The night outside framed him, ready to swallow him whole. One look confirmed his anger. The same look sealed her pain.
And then he was gone.
No door had ever felt so closed.
Elaine turned slowly to face the emptiness behind her. She thought the cabin had looked empty before.
She’d been so wrong.
This new kind of empty terrified her. It taunted her with memories old and new, forcing her to remember not only her time with Lloyd but with Connor. So much love. It slammed into her, beating her again and again, until every last moment of pleasure became a thing of pain.
She closed her eyes and allowed misery to drag her into the void.