Chapter 3
“YOU press this button.” Fleur Bissette held Elaine’s cell phone and clicked the screen. “See? Now we can FaceTime each other, you know, if you go back to Alaska.”
Elaine nodded when Fleur’s face appeared on the screen. “That’s great, thanks. This is a new phone, and I haven’t had the energy to go through all the settings yet. The kids know how to use it better than I do.”
“Of course, if you stay on Gemini Island, you won’t have to worry about all that annoying technology. We can speak face to face.”
Elaine gave her the side eye. “Are you trying to keep me here?”
“Yep. It wasn’t the same without you. You’re my best friend, Elaine. Aside from Jani, of course, but he’s the kind of best friend I sleep with.”
“It’s good to see you.” She smiled and touched a finger to Fleur’s dark hair. “You look so pretty with your hair curled.”
“I thought I’d try something new.” She patted one of her ringlets. “Jani seemed to like it. He joked that it’ll be like taking another woman to bed tonight. I reminded him that if any other woman ever comes near our bed, it had better be because we’re in a resort and she’s paid to change the linens.”
“As if Jani would ever cheat on you. The man worships the ground you walk on.”
Fleur blushed. “I’m a lucky girl. Never in a million years did I think I’d be here with all of you. Having you back makes it perfect. Well, as perfect as it can be.”
Without Lloyd.
When Fleur glanced at the floor, Elaine grabbed her hand. They sat in silence for a moment. It gave her a chance to catch her breath.
Upon hearing of the ice cream excursion, her friends from the Ursa Lodge had joined them. After grabbing a few more snacks and drinks, the group had moved into one of the lodge’s new event rooms for an impromptu “welcome home” party. Elaine was appreciative of its casual air and relative intimacy. They knew she still shied away from big groups. It was just their close circle, the ones who’d always been nearest and dearest to her and Lloyd.
Andy and Layla were currently occupied in touching Lia Snow’s big belly and her mate, Ryland, was showing them where the baby’s head and feet would be. It was good to see Ry and Lia so excited. After all their heartaches, after seeing their beloved lodge burned to the ground, they deserved some smiles.
Just as when she saw Connor again for the first time, catching up with her other friends wasn’t the gut-wrenching experience she’d anticipated. She’d expected torrents of emotion to punish her again and again, but she’d only felt cushioned by a wave of love and patience. Yes, she still expected Lloyd to walk around every corner, but that expectation was fading.
He wasn’t coming back, no matter how hard she prayed for a miracle.
“So how’s it been with Connor?”
Elaine started at Fleur’s question. “Fine. He’s been amazing, actually. He always was. I just wasn’t in a position to see it. After Lloyd died, he tried so hard to be helpful, but I was in such a bad head space.”
“How’s your head space now?”
Elaine struggled for the right words but couldn’t find any. “Never mind me. How about you?”
Fleur took a sip of her rum and Coke. “I see what you did there. You tried to change the subject.”
“Did it work?”
“Nope, but hey, great effort.” Fleur threw her arm around Elaine’s shoulders. “We don’t have to talk about it right now if you don’t want to. I’m here when you’re ready.”
They clinked glasses. Elaine liked being with Fleur. They understood each other. Fleur never pushed her for answers she couldn’t formulate. It probably had a lot to do with her having been victimized for much of her life. She knew when to prod and when to back down.
That was the reason Elaine had been uncomfortable around their other friends after the lodge tragedy. They’d all suffered, and they all wanted to support her, so badly she could taste the acid tang of their need. She knew they meant well, but it had all been a bit overwhelming at times. Now, watching them circulate through the room, she was more at ease.
Maybe she’d really needed the time away after all.
It was good to know none of the other mated couples had suffered irreparable damage. They’d all been hurt in the battle, men and women, some more than others. Despite the best efforts of their enemies, the Alpha Brethren, the family from the Ursa Lodge remained intact and strong.
In fact, over the past hour or so, Elaine had seen many instances of a tightening in the group. Bonds had been formed in the chaos and danger. They looked out for one another, not just for their mates. Invisible chords of consideration wound through the room. It was evident in the way they all catered to each other, offering seats to one another and helping friends with drink refills and snacks. They’d always been kind people, but now they all seemed to anticipate one another’s needs a bit more. It made sense. After enduring hardship together, they knew each other’s weaknesses.
When Ryland’s brother, Soren, spent a moment too long at the window in lonely contemplation, his mate, Gioia, rushed right over and wrapped her arms around his middle. He turned and pulled her into his embrace, and the shadows disappeared from his eyes.
The princely Anton, a tiger shifter from Hungary, waited hand and foot on his mate, Marci, a long-time employee at the resort. She’d spent the first part of the party rushing around, seeing to everyone else’s needs. Anton made her sit, said something that made her smile, and kissed her on her nose before getting her a drink.
There was still much excitement in the group surrounding Bart and Charlotte’s new baby boy. Little Lloyd was as precious as ever, and Andy and Layla couldn’t get enough of him. It still hurt to hear his name said out loud, even though he had been named after her Lloyd, but Elaine had fallen in love with the baby.
Lloyd’s good friend Killian was still enjoying the honeymoon stage with his mate, Nina. They couldn’t seem to stop touching each other. At least, Elaine attributed it to their wedded bliss at first. She knew full well it also had to do with their shared misery and could tell because everyone’s pain manifested here and there. Every so often, the masks fell and mourning took over, honest and merciless.
In fact, when Elaine hugged Nina for the first time since her arrival, Nina had burst into tears.
“I’m so sorry,” said Nina. “I didn’t want to cry, but I’m happy you’re home.”
That made Elaine cry. Before she knew it, they all had tears in their eyes.
Killian had pulled Nina into his arms, smiling through his tears. “Look what you started, sweet thing,” he’d teased. A mentor at the lodge, Killian had recognized what they all needed at that moment and shouted, “Group hug!”
It had helped a little, but mostly they’d cried all over each other.
Despite all the emotions in their group, Elaine often worried if her friend Suzan had experienced it the worst. As an empath, not only did Suzan contend with her own emotions, she also absorbed those of others. It was only one of the reasons her twin mates, Percy and Byron, were dedicated to keeping her as happy and carefree as possible. It couldn’t have been easy lately.
Suzan withdrew from the room once or twice during the gathering, and Elaine knew it was because she had to clear her head.
And then there was Jani, Fleur’s mate. Of all the mated couples, their pairing was the most recent. Elaine sometimes thought Jani was most at peace in the darkness. As sweet and gentle as he was with Fleur, he was a man who’d seen things, who had done things. The same unflinching loyalty that meant the world to Fleur would have put the fear of God in Jani’s enemies. He would do anything for his mate.
They all felt the same way.
Elaine knew if she had a chance to save Lloyd, she would have done anything she could. She would have debased and humiliated herself, whatever it took. She would have killed for him, or would have gladly gone to her death in his place.
He’d died protecting the people in this room, and she’d never have the opportunity to fight for him.
Connor stood off to the side with Jani, talking quietly. He kept looking over at her. He was the only unmated adult there and wouldn’t have experienced the sort of love the others had. She hoped he would one day.
Elaine used to have that kind of love.
A pang tore through her chest. She tried to breathe through it, as she had been doing recently in Alaska, but when the sorrow slammed into her, she couldn’t catch her breath.
Her pulse ricocheted in her brain, and it sounded strange, like a drummer attempting a complicated beat with only one drumstick.
She closed her eyes and willed it to pass.
When she opened them again, Connor was standing in front of her. He cupped her shoulder. “Are you okay? Do you want to get out of here?”
“No. If I’m going to live, I have to live in the world, not outside it.”
“No one will mind.”
“I’ll mind.”
Connor ran his hand slowly down her arm. At his touch, the pulse in her head softened. He knew what was at stake. They both understood how important it was for her to resume living. She’d had some time to grieve, and she had grieved so hard she thought her tears would wash away her sight some days. But Lloyd wouldn’t want this for her, this ever-present agony. He’d want her to be happy.
She just wasn’t sure how to accomplish it.
In their world, a widowed shifter trod a perilous course. The mate bond was powerful, all-consuming. After Lloyd was killed, Elaine had been ready to waste away. She’d known shifters who had in her situation. Others had committed suicide, unable to cope with the cutting loneliness.
Was her road destined to be a dead end as well?
As much as the notion tortured her during unending nights, it wasn’t her worst fear. That had already been realized when Lloyd’s heart stopped beating. Now, the thought that obsessed her was leaving her kids behind. She had to be strong for them. She had to find a way.
Perhaps she’d be the first shifter in history to survive the death of a mate.
And then again, maybe the odds were already stacked against her. Maybe the hole in her heart would enlarge and engulf her, snuffing out her existence for good. There had been some nights when she’d lain alone, holding her breath, wondering if the next breath would be her last. If the next blink would shut her eyes forever or if she would just fade away in her sleep.
“Hey, lady.” Connor held her fingers, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. “I see dark shadows behind those baby blues. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He’d begged her to talk before and she never had, but she had to open herself up at some point. Just not here, in front of everyone. “Maybe we should talk in private.”
“Done. I’ll round up the kids, and we can head back to the cabin.”
Layla chose that moment to run between them. “Mommy, Mommy! Can we sleep over at Uncle Killian’s cabin? Please. Aunt Nina said we can make s’mores in the fireplace.”
Nina and Killian joined them. “Only if it’s okay with you,” said Nina. “I kind of let it slip that we have graham crackers and chocolate at home.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“No,” said Killian. “We have sleeping bags and can set them up in the living room. We’ll have a night of indoor camping.”
“Okay. As long as it’s not inconvenient.”
Nina kissed Elaine on the cheek. “Are you kidding? Killian’s already a big kid. What’s two more?”
Killian tapped Nina’s butt.
Andy howled with laughter. “Uncle Killian slapped Aunt Nina’s fanny!”
“I don’t think Aunt Nina minds.” Elaine drew her children in for a hug and kissed them on their heads. “Be good tonight. Don’t let Killian eat too many s’mores.”
“I make no promises,” warned Killian.
As soon as Nina and Killian bundled the kids up and left, the others began to head out as well. Elaine and Connor said their goodbyes and grabbed their jackets.
Connor threw on his gray bomber jacket. She put on her khaki green parka and left it unzipped. “I’m ready.”
He frowned. “It’s cold out there, woman. Winter’s holding on by its fingernails. Zip up.” He took hold of her coat edges and zipped it for her. As he did, his gaze met hers and lingered a moment too long. He cleared his throat. “There. Let’s go.”
Once they were outside, evening greeted them with a fresh snowfall. The older powder crunched under their boots as they headed for the pathway leading to the guest and employee cabins. As they passed under the bare tree branches, snow fell like fairy dust, glinting in the moonlight. They walked in silence the whole time, the moon’s silvery glow lighting their way.
Elaine’s arm hung close to Connor’s, so close their sleeves touched now and again. A part of her wanted to reach for his hand, just to feel some measure of companionship, but she resisted. He was a friend, a good one, but she couldn’t lean on him too much. It wasn’t fair.
When they got to Cabin 14, he unlocked it for her and opened the door, turning on the lights. Once again, Elaine stood on the threshold, unable to pass through. For a minute or so, she remained motionless on the stoop, staring in.
The snow continued to fall around them. It was white and fluffy, like Christmas snow, the kind that drew children to the windows in anticipation. After a moment or two on the stoop, so much of it gathered in her hair it began to fall into her eyes.
Connor gave her a funny look and brushed it from her face. “You’ll freeze out here.”
“Connor, do you think…never mind.”
“Tell me.”
“I just…does the cabin look especially empty to you?”
He dug the toe of his boot in the snow. “When you were in Alaska, I used to walk by a couple of times a week, just to keep an eye on the place. Once or twice, I swore I heard Lloyd’s voice coming through the windows, laughing with the kids. I thought I heard you calling my name, inviting me in for dinner with the family like you used to. I sometimes thought I was going insane. During those moments, when I realized the place was dark and locked up, that’s when it felt empty to me. Now you’re back, and the old place has some life again. It’s not empty anymore. It’s just…waiting.”
Poor Connor. In her worst moments, she’d had Toni and Fred, but in his, he’d been all alone. “I’m sorry I left you.”
“You didn’t leave me, Elaine. You left to save yourself and your kids some grief. There’s a difference.”
She eyed the entrance. “I don’t think I can be alone here tonight. Not yet.”
“Don’t give it another thought.” His smile lightened the burden on her chest. “I was planning on staying anyway.”
“You were?”
“What? You have a comfy couch, way nicer than mine.”
When she laughed, she finally felt strong enough to enter her own home. She walked in. He closed the door and locked up behind them. Shivering, she began to brush the snow off her shoulders, but Connor took charge.
“Here,” he said. “Let me. You’re covered in the stuff. Another minute out there and I’d have to give you a carrot for a nose.” He proceeded to wipe the snow from her hood, her hair, and even gently swiped his thumbs over her wet eyelashes.
With her face cupped in his hands, he gazed at her. His gaze dropped to her mouth, just for a moment, before he let her go.
“Thanks.” She removed her jacket, suddenly hot in the face.
“No sweat.” Without looking her in the eye, he grabbed up their jackets and put them in the closet.
That look. Elaine recognized it, even though she hadn’t seen it in some time.
Hunger.
It might have been veiled in confusion, but it was still hunger.
Her bear, after having hibernated in its cave since Lloyd’s death, poked its head out and sniffed the air. It turned to Connor, its pupils dilated.
No, no. You’re imagining things. It’s been a long time since you felt good, and you’re just craving companionship, that’s all. Connor’s a friend, and it’s way too soon to start thinking about men in that way. Besides, he’s not your type.
The bear huffed in remonstrance.
What did her dumb bear know anyway?
Escaping to the kitchen, she grabbed a tin of cocoa and some milk and began to prepare a couple of hot chocolates. She spooned some cocoa into the warming milk, but the mixture looked pale so she added more. The color still didn’t look right to her. She liked her hot chocolate strong. As she stirred the liquid, she added more cocoa, comparing the color to Connor’s dark eyes, but it wasn’t possible. His eyes were almost black and more mysterious than a pot of hot chocolate could ever be.
He snuck up behind her. “Need help?”
“No,” she replied, almost jumping out of her skin. Why were her nerves so frayed? “You sit and relax. I’ll bring them right over.”
As she poured the cocoa into a couple of mugs, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirrored toaster next to the stove. Her cheeks were on fire.
What the hell?
You’ve been hiding on your own for too long, girlie. You’ve forgotten how to talk to people. Get a grip.
She finished preparing the drinks and brought them over on a tray. Rather than sit across from Connor on the chair, she joined him on the couch out of habit. She almost jumped up again but stopped herself so she wouldn’t look like a psycho. Instead, she sat back, gripped her mug, and breathed in the sweet heat.
“So,” he said, “what did you want to say earlier?” His deep voice sounded higher than usual.
She was making him nervous with her behavior. Settle down. It’s just Connor, and you need to talk to him.
“Elaine?”
“Right.” She sipped her hot cocoa and set it down on the coffee table. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what might happen to me. Lloyd and I never got around to making arrangements.”
“What kind of arrangements?”
“You know. If I die, too.”
“What?” He put down his mug. “Jesus, Elaine. Where did that come from?”
“I’m only saying what everyone else is thinking. Do you…do you think I’ll die?”
“No, of course not.”
“We all know the death of a shifter can result in the death of his mate.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Connor, I need to talk this through. You know you’ve wondered if it could happen. I’ve wondered. Hell, everyone on this island has wondered. So I’m asking you honestly. Do you think I’ll die from grief?”
He licked his lips. “You want the truth?”
She nodded.
“Okay. I think right after Lloyd was killed you were headed down a dark road. I think, if you’d continued down that road, you could have died.”
It was a strange relief to hear him admit the words everyone else had been afraid to voice.
“I was scared for you, Elaine, really scared. When you told me you wanted to go to Alaska, it took everything in me not to follow you. The only reason I didn’t was because I was worried any pressure from me might push you over the edge. I had to trust you knew your own heart.” He smiled. “If it makes you feel better, I don’t think you’re headed in that direction anymore. I still see shadows in your face. I still hear sadness in your voice, but I think the time away did you good.”
Had it? It didn’t always feel that way. It wasn’t all that long ago she’d stood at a kitchen counter, holding a knife, intent on slicing through her veins. Was she stronger than that woman? She didn’t know. “I’m scared, Connor. And now this thing with my kids has me more afraid than ever.”
“We’re going to get them medical attention. First thing tomorrow, we’ll talk to the doc.”
“That’s fine, but I need to look beyond tomorrow. As their mom, I need to know they’ll have a home if something happens to me.”
“Elaine…”
“No, please. I know you’ve made plans to become a cop. I would never want to stop you from fulfilling your dream, but I was hoping you might look after Layla and Andy if I can’t. They adore you.”
He hung his head in his hands. “Nothing’s going to happen to you.”
“Humor me.”
“I’m not saying ‘no,’ but if something ever happened, wouldn’t you rather have them go to your family? I know Lloyd’s people are mostly all out west, but you have lots of family right here in Ontario. What about them?”
“I miss my mom and dad, I do, but none of my family members are shifters, Connor, and Lloyd was never close to his relatives. When he mated with a human, they gave him grief. He distanced himself from them and so have I. Our kids have no bond with them. They love you, and you understand who they are. What they are.”
“I can’t believe we’re even having this discussion.”
“I know it’s a lot to ask, and I know I’ve been out of touch lately, but seeing them with you again is proof of your connection. Would you at least consider it?”
His lips thinned. “There’s nothing to consider. No matter what career I choose, I will always make room in my life for Andy and Layla. Those kids are my priority and so are you.”
“I realize you might want to move to Toronto, and I was sort of counting on the fact you’d always be here on Gemini Island…”
“We don’t need to figure out the logistics right now. Whatever happens, I will find a way to take care of them. You have my word.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ll fix this, Elaine, I promise.”
“What if there’s something wrong with them? What if they can’t be fixed?” Tears threatened, stinging behind her eyes. She blinked them into oblivion. “What if I can’t be fixed?”
He held out his arms. “Come here.”
As she fell into his embrace, her emotions crowded her, rending her limb from limb. It helped knowing he would always look out for her babies, but it didn’t diminish her fear. Pain shook her frame as she tried to catch her breath, but Connor held her through each shudder. He kissed her temple and stroked her back until she began to feel more human again.
“Listen to me. You’re not broken, not any of you. Do you hear me? You don’t need fixing. You just need time.”
“Are you sure?”
“I swear it, and I’m sure the doc will say the same thing. But we have to keep talking, okay? It’s how we get past this.”
She swallowed the burlap lump in her throat and managed a grin. “How did you get so smart?”
“It’s inherited.” He pretended to buff his fingernails. “Don’t feel bad. I’m also extremely handsome.” He winked and gave her one of his famous lady-killer smiles, the one she’d seen decimate many a woman.
Now that was the Connor she knew. Cocky and sure of himself. She hadn’t seen that man in a while. God, how she’d missed him.
She blew a raspberry, glad of the laugh that came with it. “Why don’t you light a fire, hot stuff? We can watch a movie. Seeing as the kids are out, we can even watch one with bad words.”
“You’re on.” He headed over to the fireplace and readied the wood, bending over to inspect the kindling.
Her bear rumbled in appreciation. Look at his butt.
Elaine gave the creature a mental swat, but it continued to demand she glance at his ass. Ignorant, drooling beast.
Despite her best intentions, she inclined her head. It was a good butt, round and firm. How had she not noticed it before?
Shaking her head, she banished all thoughts of perfect, manly asses. While Connor did his thing, she turned on the TV and clicked to the movie channel, choosing a funny one with Bill Murray. He returned to the couch, dropped next to her, and put his arm around her shoulders.
She didn’t shrug away. It was a friendly hug, nothing more. No reason to get snippy.
Instead, she settled in against his bulk, glad of someone big and strong to lean on. She’d always considered herself a capable woman, but these past few months, she’d wanted so much to be able to lean on someone and not feel guilty about asking for it. Connor didn’t make her feel guilty.
By helping her though her moments of weakness, he was helping her reclaim her strength.
Which was why, half an hour into the movie, she didn’t fight it when her eyes fluttered closed. Nor did she fight it when he picked her up and brought her to her bed. He joined her there, sliding his long body into the spot previously occupied by Lloyd. Even in her haze, she heard each creak of the bedsprings and the dip of the bed under his weight.
It didn’t feel awkward having him there. In a strange way, it felt good. Besides, all he did was hold her hand, and she was glad of the company.
Much later, when the first of several nightmares pierced her sleep, Connor was still there, comforting her and holding her. He whispered words of encouragement. The dark shadows lashed at her, taunting her with her loss. She rolled toward Connor, soaking his shirt with her tears, but he didn’t seem to mind. He was her personal Good Samaritan in many ways, but at that moment, he might have been her shining archangel. She could almost see him, dressed in armor and wielding a sword, chasing her demons away. Little by little, because of his company, the serpentine night terrors slithered back to where they came from.
They’d come back. She knew they would.
But now she had her friend to help her combat them.