Chapter 21
I’M telling you, Elaine. Those people saved my life after my Dave died. It’s one thing to talk to friends and family, but you’ll never get the same understanding from someone who hasn’t been in your shoes. Go see Maxine. She can help.
Elaine remembered her mother’s friend Patsy’s words as she approached the building. Patsy had lost her husband ten years ago and had begun attending a bereavement group at the local community center. She swore it was her lifeline during those dark days.
In some ways, Elaine experienced a sense a calm and relief, just upon walking through the sliding doors of the center. In other ways, she was terrified. If she started talking about Lloyd, would she ever be able to stop? She wanted to get better for Connor, not worse. What if she opened her floodgates to these strangers and they never closed again?
You can do this.
Of course, she could do this. She’d come so far already. After all, she’d already had some tough conversations with her parents about her shifter nature. They’d had questions, they still had questions, but they’d taken it well. Over the past couple of weeks, she may have caught them looking at her and the kids with worry in their faces but they were handling the news. No one had died. No one had been disowned. They were coping.
In fact, she’d been brutally honest with them, telling them about her feelings for Connor as well. Again, no one passed judgment.
Instead, her mom had held her in her arms. “I wish you’d talked to us sooner. We’re your parents. You never need to spare us. The buck stops here, kiddo.”
“Yeah,” her dad had joked. “Your mother’s never happier than when she can fuss over you.”
And she had. She’d pulled out all the stops. Shopping trips, days at the play place for the kids, girly movie nights. She’d even introduced Elaine to “the girls.”
The girls were Patsy, Margaret, and Selina, otherwise known as her card group. Her mother’s friends had been coming over a lot at night. Although her parents had kept her shape shifter secret, Elaine had a hunch her mother had spilled the beans about her feelings for Connor.
She seemed to think euchre with a bunch of older women who liked to tell raunchy jokes was the trick.
In truth, Elaine didn’t mind. Patsy and the other ladies were nice. A couple of them had even lost their husbands. After a couple of nights in their presence, Elaine found herself telling them about Lloyd and also about Connor. They listened. When Patsy first suggested the bereavement group, Elaine listened.
Here she stood now, her hand on the slightly open door. A placard hung outside. Bereavement Support.
This was the step that would set her on a new path, or it would cause her to turn and run.
She’d promised Connor no more running. He already thought she was a runner, and she had to do her best to show him the truth.
“The buck stops here, kiddo.”
When she touched the door again, it swung open a bit more. Elaine peeked her head around the corner.
A group of people stood just inside, mingling at a coffee table. There were about fifteen chairs set up in a circle, just waiting to be filled.
A human lady with white hair and kind green eyes met her at the door. She held out her hand. “Elaine?”
Elaine shook her hand. “Yes. You must be Maxine.”
“Patsy told me to expect you. You’re welcome here. Please, come in. We have a few minutes before we begin.”
“Thanks. I’m a bit nervous. I’ve never been in a support group before.”
“You’re in good company. Some of us are old timers, and others are new, like you. We have one thing in common. We’ve all lost a loved one.” She placed a hand on her shoulder. “I hope you don’t mind me asking. Patsy told me your husband was killed some time ago.”
“Yes.”
“You have my utmost condolences. I lost my Sam twenty years ago this month.”
“Twenty years. I’m so sorry. How have you managed all that time?”
“Oh, I cry a lot and I yell a lot, but mostly I just put one foot in front of the other.”
“Day by day, huh?”
“Yes, but you also talk about it, a lot, and with people who understand. This is a safe place for you, Elaine. You can say whatever you want here.”
She might not be able to tell them about her shifter nature, but she appreciated the sentiment.
Maxine led her to the coffee table. “Now the first thing I tell all our newbies is I make the coffee strong, and you can have as much as you want. Care for a cup?”
“Please.”
While Maxine poured, she looked at Elaine from the side of her eye. “What was your husband’s name?”
“Lloyd.”
“I bet he was a fine man.”
“He was. One of the good guys.”
“I know it’s your first time in group, but if you feel comfortable, we’d love to know more about Lloyd.”
“I’d like that.”
“Excellent.” Maxine clapped her hands and raised her voice. “All right, everyone. Please take your seats.” Once they were all seated, she smiled at Elaine. “We have a new member tonight. Please welcome Elaine.”
They all said hello.
Maxine bobbed her head.
Elaine sipped her coffee for encouragement. “Thank you. I was nervous to come tonight, but it was time. It’s been almost a year since my husband, Lloyd, was murdered. It’s been a hard year, but I need to move forward.” She smiled. “I guess I should start at the beginning. Lloyd and I met in high school. I was the shy girl. He was the mysterious new kid…”
* * * *
“Why aren’t you eating your cake, sweetie?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Elaine sat next to Layla at the kid-sized picnic table. The other kids had long since devoured their slices of cake and had headed back into the enormous jungle gym of the indoor playground.
“Would you like to go play with Annie?” she asked, pointing out the birthday girl.
“No.” Layla sat still, her face wistful.
Elaine had been excited when the neighbor’s daughter had invited Layla to her birthday party. They’d been staying with her parents for a couple of months now. She was pleased to see both Layla and Andy had made friends their own ages in the neighborhood, but neither seemed overly enthusiastic about playing with those friends.
They spent more time talking about those they’d left behind on Gemini Island.
Andy used to ask questions at bedtime about his dad. Now he asked about Connor. Every night, Elaine had to field those questions and combat her emotions as they swarmed her. The kids missed him.
She missed him, too, and with a new ferociousness she’d never anticipated. Before, she’d been relying on him as her source of comfort. She was anything but comfortable now. She heard his voice in her head and thought she saw him in town once or twice. It was unsettling, feeling he was somehow all around her.
Every night, she went to bed thinking of him, and once she was in bed, her thoughts automatically shifted into sex-deprived gear. It couldn’t be helped. Her bear was miffed at being denied its man and seemed determined to make Elaine regret his absence in the most womb-clenching ways. Her old bed provided her with no rest, and it was because he wasn’t in it.
She missed the way he whispered her name when they made love and the way he smoothed his hand over her hip and breasts. She missed the sweet abrasion of his beard and the way he pinned her to the mattress so he could take control of her body.
It wasn’t just the sex, though. In fact, the hardest part was not being able to enjoy his bright personality and silly jokes. She missed his jovial nature and hated thinking she’d crushed it.
Almost two whole months without him. She’d wanted to call him but didn’t have the nerve. Instead, she got her updates from Fleur and Lia and a couple of the others. When she asked about Connor, she tended to get the same sorts of answers.
He’s keeping himself busy.
He’s taken on extra hours.
Oh, Connor? He’s okay.
Which meant he wasn’t.
Okay. Her whole point in leaving was to make them better than okay. She wanted him to have more than okay.
Every day, she looked for little changes in herself, some sort of proof she’d made the right decision. All things considered, she was doing well. Attending the bereavement group helped a lot. In that community center room, she was able to release all her emotions so they didn’t get the better of her elsewhere.
One of the biggest improvements was she no longer burst into tears upon seeing Lloyd’s photos around her parents’ house. They’d always loved Lloyd, and there were just as many pictures of him on the walls as of her. Her first couple of nights there, Elaine had wandered alone in the darkness, moving from photo to photo, forcing herself to relive each memory. She’d made herself cry in front of each frame, determined to get her grief out of her system.
Was it all working? Maybe. Probably.
However, there was still a tremendous void in her life, and she knew it was Connor.
She wanted him so much her teeth ached.
She was growing stronger every day and had to continue. She’d come this far. When she went to him, and she would, she wanted it to be with a good head on her shoulders and her heart intact.
“Mommy, can we go home?”
“But Annie hasn’t opened her birthday presents yet.”
Layla’s bottom lip protruded. “I know. Can I just give her my present so we can go?”
Elaine ran a hand over her daughter’s hair. She might be willing to punish herself, but she wouldn’t punish her kids. “Sure, baby. Let’s head back to Grandma and Grandpa’s.”
Layla tugged on her sleeve. “No, I mean the cabin. I wanna go back to the cabin. Please, Mommy. I miss Uncle Connor.”
“Oh, Layla.”
“Don’t you miss him?”
“I do. Believe me, I do.”
“Then why are we here?”
Why were they there?
With every day apart from him, it was growing harder to answer that question with confidence.
* * * *
“Elaine, honey,” called her mom from her bedroom, “Patsy and the girls are coming over for dinner and cards tonight. Would you mind nipping into town for me and picking up a cherry pie at the bakery?”
“Sure, Mom.”
As Elaine finished washing dishes in the kitchen sink, she caught herself humming a happy tune. She put her sponge down and laughed.
“Really, Elaine,” she scolded herself, teasing, “humming? If you keep this up, no one will recognize you.”
Smiling, she rinsed her hands and grabbed a jacket. The bright sunbeams coming in through the window told her she might not need it after all.
She tossed her jacket to the side. Might as well live dangerously.
When she started humming again, she realized the tune in her head was one Lloyd used to sing around the house. She waited for the heavy oppression to hit, but it didn’t.
That made her smile even harder.
It was happening more and more now. When she thought of Lloyd, she wasn’t stricken by the usual sense of devastation. She still hated that he was gone and would never stop hating it. She still cursed the men who’d killed him with fierce regularity. Despite that, it was becoming easier to dwell on their happy moments, rather than falling into despair as she contemplated her loss.
For the first time in a long time, healing didn’t seem impossible.
She picked up her car keys and headed to the door, reminding herself to buy a cherry pie, rather than some other dessert. Elaine made a face. She always found the local bakery’s pies to be a little dry.
What I’d give for a butter tart from the Lake Gemini Bakery. Connor loves those butter tarts.
In that moment, she considered driving all the way into Lake Gemini. After all, they had the best butter tarts in Northern Ontario.
She stood still, clutching her keys, her knuckles white. It seemed ridiculous to drive an hour in each direction just for some silly butter tarts.
Of course, it was Saturday, and she had the time. Her dad had taken the kids to the park so they wouldn’t be back for a while and she’d already helped her mom clean up the house.
Nothing wrong with a little Saturday drive, was there?
And everyone knew those butter tarts were gooier and flakier than any others.
Yes. Elaine’s bear stood and pawed at her ribs. Go now!
What if she saw Connor there? What if he happened to be craving sweets at the same time? It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.
What would she do if she saw him?
“You’re being stupid.” There was a perfectly good bakery right down the road, but she was willing to drive all over God’s creation for a tart?
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
She put her hand on the doorknob and turned. As she looked past the little window in the door, a flash of movement caught her eye across the street.
A man with dark hair and a dark beard.
Elaine did a double take.
Connor?
She blinked and opened the door, but he was gone.
Racing outside, she looked up and down the street. There was no one there.
Was she seeing things now?
She decided not to drive into Lake Gemini after all. Her will was too weak. If she drove all that way, she’d find a boat to take her to the island, and if she did that, she’d be knocking on Connor’s door in no time. She’d fall to her knees and beg him to take her back. He might be angry with her, but anger would surrender to temptation, and before she knew it, they’d be naked.
Naked. On the first available surface. With Connor.
Completely vulnerable.
Goddamn it. Cherry pie would have to do.
* * * *
That night, long after her mother’s card group had gone home, Elaine saw a mountain lion outside the house.
Everyone else had gone to bed hours ago. Restless, as she always was at night, she’d gotten up for a drink. Standing at the kitchen window, sipping her water, she spied the great cat in the darkness. It prowled on the edge of her parents’ property, barely hidden by the shrubbery.
Of course, wild mountain lions were often spotted in this part of the world.
But this was no wild creature, rooting for scraps.
This was her mountain lion.
She touched the window frame. Connor.
The great beast kept its gaze locked on her.
“I’m dreaming. I must be dreaming.” Convinced, she hurried to bed.
She tossed and turned for an hour or two. The only way she’d been able to get to sleep was by envisioning Connor and touching herself, coming to completion as she whispered his name. Even still, the sensation was a hollow one because the fingers at her sex weren’t his. Her spark of an orgasm paled in comparison to the lightning storm he created in her body.
The next night, she happened to see the cat again through the kitchen window. It watched her, waiting. Once again, she did nothing.
On the third night, she purposely waited up to catch it on its vigil.
A week went by. The mountain lion returned each night.
Elaine’s spirit animal was bereft, unable to get to the male it adored. Her bear wouldn’t let her sleep, it wouldn’t let her eat. It demanded she go outside and join the cat.
But she was afraid.
It had been over two months since she’d last seen Connor. She was feeling better these days. She’d made a great start in homeschooling her children, and they’d adapted well to the curriculum she’d set. They still asked after Connor every day, but she couldn’t blame them. They loved him.
What did she feel?
There was a yearning deep inside her, the sort of adrenaline-laced hunger she hadn’t known since her early days with Lloyd. Her body craved Connor. She needed to masturbate every night, just to soothe her raging hormones. It didn’t help knowing the blasted cat stalked her, just a few feet away. It would smell her arousal. He would smell her arousal.
Even though it kept itself hidden, only coming out at night to gaze into her window, she felt its presence. Goose bumps danced to life on her skin. Her tongue seemed dry. Her body writhed on the bed every night, lonely and dissatisfied.
She wanted him. She was just so scared to be a disappointment to him.
What if she wasn’t good enough?
A week and a half after the first cat spotting, Elaine could no longer handle the frustration. After waiting until the house was dark and everyone was fast asleep, she slipped out of bed. Although her feet wanted to lead her directly outside, she stopped at the closet, and she threw a housecoat on over her nude body. Not bothering with slippers or shoes, she padded toward the front door. She opened it a crack and peeked outside.
The mountain lion stood at the edge of the lawn. Upon seeing her, it issued a low, famished yowl. Her parents’ house backed onto a wooded ravine. As if understanding, the cat turned and disappeared between the trees and headed toward the ravine.
Elaine followed. Her ursine senses guiding her, she walked barefoot over the lawn. When she got to the ravine, the undergrowth scratched at her feet. Slipping out of her robe, she shifted into bear form and moved deeper into the wooded area.
About a hundred feet in, her brown bear confronted the mountain lion. In animal form, it was harder to fight her desire. Her human voice seemed to fade into the distance, and she couldn’t find a reason to stay away from him.
The cat’s deep rumbling breaths were the sweetest sound she’d ever heard.
Stripped of pride and all her guilt, she flew at the creature. Their large bodies rubbed up against one another. It smelled so good, like the outdoors and like him. She bumped her head against its mighty shoulders. It curled itself around her body, trying to get closer. The cat nipped her bear, nuzzling and licking, marking her with its scent.
Driven by pure, animal lust, Elaine changed back into human form. She wanted to feel its bite but not on her thick fur. She wanted to wear his mark on her fragile skin, where it would cut deepest.
She was ready.
Connor shifted too. He stood before her, cock hard as iron, his chest rising and falling. He looked so pale, even by moonlight, and it hurt to look at him.
“It’s really you.”
“I couldn’t stay away. I tried. I swear I tried.”
“I know. It’s been so hard.” Every nerve ending in her body conspired against her. Her heart beat loudly. Her jaw clenched. Even her fingernails hurt.
“Elaine.” He sighed. “I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
His faltering half-smile was the most wonderful thing she’d ever seen.
“I’m sorry for how I left you that night,” he said. “I was hurt. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. You were right. It was all going too quickly.”
“I’ve been so scared I lost you for good.”
“Lady, you’ll never lose me. These past weeks…” His mouth set in a grim line. “It was hell. I don’t want to live without you.”
“Oh, Connor.” She threw herself at him, and he caught her, hoisting her legs around his middle with minimal effort. They kissed, hard and long, exploring each other’s mouths as if it was the first time.
In a way, it was. No kiss with Connor had ever been so free of emotional baggage. She didn’t think of Lloyd, and she didn’t worry about labeling what they had. She just kissed him, tasting his love and his misery. The chains that bound her seemed to slip away as he caressed her, breaking into pieces. Somewhere in that embrace, Elaine emerged whole and happy and new.
Sparks exploded into light behind her closed eyelids. Hiss. Boom. Crash.
Connor was her mate, and she’d never been so ecstatic to see him.
He lowered her to the ground, setting her on a bed of ivy. He touched a finger to her breast, as if marveling at her existence. “Please tell me this isn’t a dream.”
“It had better not be.”
That smile. It grew. Suddenly she was smiling too. “Connor, please. Don’t make me wait.”
He lay atop her, grinding her into the foliage below. She rocked her hips against him, desperate to feel him inside her. Palming her breast, he nipped at the left side of her neck.
“Yes.” She groaned. “Mark me.”
He stopped kissing her and looked her in the eye. “Are you sure?”
She cupped his cheek and gave his beard a playful tug. “You’re my mate. I don’t want to be without you for another second. Mark me.”
His hand slipped between her legs, testing her readiness. There was no need. She was wet, and her entire body expressed her need, tightening and relaxing all at once.
Connor pistoned into her in one smooth thrust. He felt so good stars erupted before her eyes. She tightened her legs around his waist and guided his mouth back to her neck. He groaned as his carnivore teeth descended, but the sound was muffled against her skin. There was a stinging pain, followed by a dull throbbing, but then the most sinful warmth spread through her body. Her pleasure hit new heights as he continued to fuck her. As her body quaked under the dual invasion at her core and at her neck, a merciless orgasm whipped through her. It tore her apart, leaving her in tatters but so grateful to be alive.
She was alive with her mate.
Connor finished on a violent spasm, burying his fingers in her hair. Their bodies stilled, and their breaths mingled. He remained impossibly hard inside her, and she wriggled beneath him, wanting more.
She would never stop wanting more.
His heart pounding so hard she could hear each beat, he withdrew and sat up. Her seam was wet with his moisture. A trail of it dribbled down her thigh. She didn’t care. She wanted to bathe in the stuff.
“Here.” He pulled her to sitting and brushed her hair off her shoulder. “Let me look at the damage.” Inspecting his mark, he frowned. “It must hurt like a sonofabitch.”
“It does, but it’s good.” She smiled. “I love you, Connor.”
His eyes widened. “You do?”
“I do. I want to come back. Will you have me?”
“Jesus. What a question, woman. You’re all I want.” His brow furrowed, and he gnawed the inside of his cheek. “Elaine, I love you.”
She crawled atop his lap. His cock twitched against her. Her nipples stiffened against his chest. She wanted him and wanted him and wanted him again, as many times as he would have her.
As she leaned in for a kiss, he stopped her. “I don’t want to rush you.”
“I’m good. I promise you, I’m good.”
As he took her again, claiming her body on the forest floor, Elaine knew her words were gospel. She’d needed that time away, if only to understand what she had with him. Yes, Connor brought her comfort, but he also challenged her in a way no one ever had. Lloyd had been her white knight and had treated her like a princess, but Connor had ushered her into another world, one where fairy tales gave way to sweet reality. In joining her in her grief, he’d taught her a new truth.
Death wasn’t the end.
For them, it was a beginning. It had wrenched their souls apart, driving them down a dark path, but they’d found light among the shadows. Would Elaine have survived Lloyd’s death without Connor? Who knew?
One thing was certain. Before Connor inserted himself into her life, she’d been subsisting. Coasting and slowly sinking. He’d demanded more of her than that, and he’d helped her realize she deserved better.
With Connor’s love, she found the strength, not only to love again but to live again.
She would live.
* * * *
Elaine drummed her fingernails on the windowpane, craning her neck to see if Connor’s truck was approaching.
“Why do you keep looking out the front window?” her dad asked.
“No reason.”
After their night in the woods, Connor had reluctantly returned to his motel. He’d been staying on the edge of town since the night she first spotted his cat. They’d made plans to reintroduce him to her folks right away and surprise Layla and Andy.
It had been difficult letting him go early that morning, but Elaine had never been so excited.
The rumbling of an engine caught her attention, and she checked the window again. She spotted Connor’s vintage pickup truck as it turned the corner onto the street. Before he even neared the house, she jumped up and said, “Someone’s at the door. I’ll get it!”
As she hurled herself outside, she heard her mom say to the kids, “What on earth has gotten into your mother?”
He parked across the street. Grinning from ear to ear, he got out of the truck. Dressed in black slacks, a crisp white shirt, and a skinny black tie, he made her mouth water. He reached into the car and pulled out two enormous bouquets and a couple of smaller packages.
Her feet jittery, she raced to him. “Hey.”
“Hey, beautiful. Are they expecting me?”
“Nope. They have no clue what’s coming.”
They kissed and she led him to the house. Putting a finger on her lips for his benefit, she opened the door and walked inside alone. “Andy. Layla. You wouldn’t believe what I found outside.”
Andy shook with excitement. “Is it a puppy?”
Elaine laughed. “No, it’s much better than a puppy.”
The kids’ eyes widened. She threw open the door.
Connor peeked around the doorframe. “Have I got the right house?”
“Uncle Connor!” They screamed in unison and catapulted themselves at him. He almost fell back on the porch steps from the tackle but righted himself, laughing.
“Let the poor man in,” her mother cried. “Connor. It’s so good to see you.”
“You too, Mrs. Banks.” He presented her with one of the big bouquets and turned to Elaine’s dad, hand outstretched. “Sir. Good to see you.”
Her father looked at Connor’s hand and smiled. “Any other man gets a hand shake. You, son, get a hug.” As the men hugged, her dad said, “Welcome to the family.”
Tears sprang to Elaine’s eyes, but they were the best tears she’d ever shed.
His eyes misty as well, Connor turned to the kids and gave them the gifts he’d brought, a new doll for Layla and a model fire truck for Andy. “See this truck, buddy? It’s in pieces. It needs to be put together. Can I help you put it together?”
Andy pouted. “But when will we do it? You live far away.”
Layla looked to Elaine, her face lit with hope. “Please, Mommy. Can we go home now?”
Elaine drew the kids in and crouched in front of them. “Connor and I were talking, and we both think it’s time for us to go back to Gemini Island. It’s time for us to be a family.”
They threw their little arms around her neck in gratitude. When they finally let her go, she stood and hugged Connor, whispering, “I love you.”
He kissed her on both eyelids and then on the mouth. “I love you, too, lady.” He presented her with the other bouquet. “Roses, of course.”
“They’re beautiful.” Pink and full, with petals tipped in red, they were the loveliest flowers she’d ever received.
Connor gazed at her as if she outshone the flowers, as if she outshone the sun.
He wiped his eyes and exhaled. “Is everyone hungry? I saw a nice restaurant down the road. How about I treat you all to lunch?”
“Can I drive in your truck, Uncle Connor?” Andy clamored for his attention.
“Now, now.” Elaine’s mom hustled the kids out the door. “You and your sister can come in our car. Let’s give your mom and Connor a few minutes of alone time.”
They all headed outside. The kids piled into their grandparents’ car, and Elaine slid in next to Connor.
He turned the ignition, smiled at her, and reached for her hand. “Ready?”
She beamed. “I’m ready.”