Chapter 20
CROCUSES.
What do you know? She was right.
The little purple flowers dotted the pathway leading from the mainland dock. As Connor got out of the motorboat and jumped onto dry land, he made sure to trample on some of those goddamn crocuses.
Fuck spring. Fuck flowers. Fuck them all.
He lifted his wet face and wiped his cheeks. No more tears. He was done.
If memory served, someone had opened a new bar at the far end of the main street. It was about time he christened the place. He tied up the boat and marched down the road.
Some of the stores in town had already closed up shop for the evening, but others were still open. As he stormed down the street, one or two people waved hello. He didn’t wave back. Fuck them, too.
He didn’t want to talk to people, not his kind or any other kind. All he wanted right now was a strong drink. No, several. This was the sort of heartache from which he’d never recover. He might not be able to fix it, but he could try to forget it for a while. If he had his way, he’d be forgetting for a good, long time. Ryland might have to get someone to cover his shifts. There was no way he was setting foot back on that island, not until she was gone, and maybe not even then.
Elaine, you allowed me to be a part of your family, and now you’re taking it away.
In one fell swoop, she’d killed his dreams. In one fell swoop, she’d destroyed their family. She’d called him a fixer. Well, Elaine was a destroyer. She killed good things. His hope had just started to bloom, just like those stupid crocuses, and she’d whipped in like an unexpected gust of winter wind, freezing everything in her path.
It amused him to picture her as a cartoonish queen, her blonde hair highlighted with snow. In his vision, she wore a gown made of icicles and rode a white stallion. As she tore across their home, she aimed her scepter at the inhabitants of Gemini Island, turning them into icy shells.
Now he was having Narnia fantasies. He really needed that drink.
He might like to think Elaine had shocked the hell out of him tonight, but a kernel of truth began to pop inside him. This travesty hadn’t been all that unexpected, had it? He’d seen this shitstorm coming.
That was the thing about denial. It was an amazing place to be. You could tell yourself anything when you were in denial. In that murky dream world, love bloomed, hope persevered, and fucking unicorns pranced through the meadows.
It had been so easy playing house with Elaine and the kids. They’d fallen into their roles so quickly and naturally.
He’d never bothered to think about whether it might be wrong. He knew they’d moved quickly. It had felt right to him, but what if she had a point?
Maybe he’d been too hard on her.
No. “Don’t even go there,” he muttered. “She didn’t have to end it.” They could have taken things slowly and eased into their new lives. He wouldn’t have pressured her. He would have given her anything she wanted.
A green neon light caught his attention. The bar, thank Christ. It was called Oblivion.
Just what he needed.
Connor threw open the door and inspected the place. It was dark. Almost every surface was painted black. Thrasher music blared over the speakers and seemed to appeal to the clientele, a mix of Goth and metal-head stoners.
Perfect. Tonight, this was his kind of crowd.
He sat down at the bar, in between two older guys who looked like they’d wandered in ages ago and never found the exit.
The bartender, a Goth girl whose black corset barely concealed her nipples, leaned over in front of Connor. The artful move gave him an even better view of her breasts, and she knew it. “Hey, there, gorgeous. I haven’t seen you here before.”
“Whiskey, please.”
“What’s your name?”
“I’m not interested in anything but that whiskey, thanks.”
“Hard to get.” Her eyes narrowed. “How refreshing.” Turning her back, she offered him a clear view of her ass as she prepared the drink. With a smile of seduction, she set it in front of him.
The conservative amount she’d poured wasn’t encouraging. He threw a few bills down on the counter. “I’ll take the bottle.”
Her eyebrows rose in surprise, but she set the bottle down before him. Grabbing the bills, she brought her face close to his. “Baby, you can take whatever you want tonight.”
Her heavy perfume did nothing to camouflage her arousal. She was human and easy to read, unlike some people. She might not know he was a shifter, but in her eyes, he was mysterious and desirable. If he wanted to, he could take this leather-clad vixen back to her place and fuck her all night long. Hell, he could fuck her so hard he’d break her.
You got Broken Elaine. You were cheated.
Only Connor had never felt cheated. He’d felt like he won the goddamn lottery. He swallowed his measure of whiskey and poured out some more.
“I think someone hurt you,” the woman said.
He didn’t reply.
“Oh, yeah. Someone hurt you real bad. Let me give you some tips, honey, from one damaged soul to another. One, fuck ’em. Two, revenge sex is the best sex.”
This chick was deluded. The best sex he’d ever had was with Elaine. He’d never replicate that heady feeling, that sense of being completely in sync with the whole damn world. He wouldn’t find that again, not even if he took ten Goth girls home to bed.
“Come on,” the bartender persisted. Her rouged lips pouted. “Tell me your name. I bet it’s as sexy as you are. I’ll start you off. My name’s Skye.”
As Connor stared at the counter, his memories clouded before him, seeming to pool on the dark surface. Holding Elaine as she cried over Lloyd’s photo. Kissing Elaine after their wild run through the forest. Cradling her beautiful body in his arms for the first time. “Elaine.” He traced her imagined image on the counter. “Elaine.”
“Not Elaine, Skye.”
Was she still talking to him? “What?”
The bartender exhaled in frustration. Sashaying around the bar, she stood next to him and spoke in his ear. “Look, I don’t need your name. As it happens, I get off in five minutes, and I live down the road. You look like you need to exorcise some demons. Nothing better for that than a good, rough fuck.” She ran a red-tipped finger along his biceps. “I love it rough. Come home with me, stranger.”
Connor couldn’t even remember a time when that sort of offer might have appealed to him. He’d lost his mate tonight, the only woman he’d ever loved. Nameless sex wouldn’t cure him of this sickness.
He wracked his brain, trying to recall the woman’s name, but it wouldn’t come to him. “I’m sorry. I’m just not interested.”
Another pout. She might be trying to look sexy, but it struck him as childish. “Your loss.” With a swing of her hips, she returned to her spot behind the bar.
Riding a wave of numbness, Connor grabbed the whiskey bottle and found a dark booth at the back of the bar. He sat there and drank until the customers began to blur.
At closing time, another bartender let him know he had to leave. He didn’t put up a fuss. He left, two more bottles of whiskey in hand, even though he didn’t know where to go.
He walked until he reached a patch of forest. It had always seemed to him that the woods were never so lonely as in the winter. However, as Elaine had said, spring was on its way. The trees were bare, but he spotted some buds on the branches. Normally the sight would have cheered him.
Tonight, he couldn’t care less.
What was the use of spring if he couldn’t share it with her?
He opened one bottle of whiskey, toasting the woman who’d destroyed him, and downed it. Before long, the second bottle was opened and emptied. His head began to swim, but he wasn’t worried. As a shape shifter, he could hold his liquor better than a human.
The moon climbed higher in the sky, casting its soft light. In a copse of evergreens, shielded from view, Connor stripped and shifted into his mountain lion. Alone and defeated, he lay on the ground. His great cat mourned its loss, its deep voice reverberating in a low ouch, ouch, ouch.
Connor thought of Elaine, of the way her touch made him dream. And then he thought of Layla and Andy, the children of his heart. As his spirit fractured, he joined his spirit animal in its lament.
Sometime before morning, just as the sunrise was beginning to transform the indigo sky, he heard footsteps. He should probably move or shift…or something. He didn’t. He lay in cat form, uncaring.
The steps drew closer. He could tell by the heavy footfalls that several men were near. He tried to tell them to fuck off, but in mountain lion form, it just sounded like a hiss.
The evergreens parted. Jani, Bart, and Killian emerged.
“Baszd meg,” cursed Jani. “He’s shitfaced. I can smell him from here.”
“Come on, buddy.” Bart crouched in front of Connor’s cat and slapped him lightly. “Shift back so we don’t have to carry this mangy carcass.”
Without even trying, Connor shifted into masculine form, but mostly so he could tell them to fuck off. It didn’t quite come out that way. Somehow, he just managed to drool.
Killian held out his clothes. “Here. Put these on, for the love of God. I do not want to have to dress you.”
Somehow Connor maneuvered into his clothes, losing only one sock in the process. “I found a bar.”
Jani’s nostrils flared. “Believe me, friend, we figured that out already.”
“There’s a girl. She wanted to have revenge sex with me.” More drool.
“Ah, Jesus,” said Bart. “Please tell me you didn’t.”
Connor shook his head. “Elaine’s so pretty.”
“Yeah, we know.” Killian grabbed his arm. “Come on, let’s get you home. Pretty Elaine is worried sick.”
“I was supposed to fix her, but I broke her.”
They hefted him to his feet. At least, he thought it was his feet. He couldn’t quite see them. They held him up and forced him to walk out of the copse, even though his body did everything in its power to propel him back to the ground.
“You weigh a ton,” muttered Bart.
Connor tried to lift his head to the brightening sky. “The sun. It hurts.”
All of a sudden, everything hurt. His head, his heart, his fucking stomach. Possessed by demons, or so it seemed, Connor hurled his body out of his friends’ grip and vomited all over Jani’s boots.
“If you weren’t my friend,” Jani’s two heads said in tandem, “I’d kick your ass.”
* * * *
The day Elaine and her kids left, all her friends gathered to see them off at the dock.
All but Connor.
In fairness to him, he had knocked on her cabin door early that morning, his face white. “I’d like to say goodbye to the munchkins.”
“Of course. Come in.” She’d held the door open for him, wondering at the lunacy of the situation. He had his own key. He could have just walked in, but things had changed.
He’d looked at her briefly during the exchange, and only once, and then wouldn’t meet her gaze. No matter how much she silently pleaded with him, he wouldn’t look at her.
Look at me. Please, look at me. If he did, surely he’d understand all the things she didn’t know how to say.
Instead, he’d taken a deep breath, forced a smile onto his face, and greeted the kids. He’d joined them in the living room, told them he hoped they had lots of fun with their grandparents, and had hugged them tight. Only when Connor hugged her children did Elaine see his mask slip. He’d bitten his quivering lip and had shut his eyes against the tears.
She’d pushed him away to fix herself and had broken him in the process.
When he’d finally let them go, Layla had run over to the kitchen table. She’d drawn him a picture the night before and had been excited to present it to him.
“See, Uncle Connor?” She’d pointed to the little figures on the paper. “There’s you and me and Andy and Mommy. We’re standing in front of the cabin.”
“It’s beautiful, sweetheart.”
“Why are you crying?” She’d touched his cheek.
“Because this is the best picture I’ve ever seen, that’s why.” He wiped his face. “Who’s this up in the clouds?”
“That’s Daddy. I made him an angel.”
Andy had craned his neck to look. “I think he looks like a giraffe.”
Connor had laughed. “It’s perfect. I love it. Can I keep it?”
“Yeah, it’s for you,” said Layla. “Are you going to visit us at Grandma’s house?”
“I don’t know about that, sweet pea, but I’m sure I’ll see you soon.”
Even then, Connor hadn’t looked at Elaine. She’d never felt so invisible. It was as if he couldn’t stand the sight of her.
He’d hugged the kids again, said goodbye, and met her at the door. His gaze had been trained on the floor, but he’d paused at the doorway. “Take care.”
“Connor.”
He hadn’t waited to hear what she would say. Why couldn’t she fucking say anything? Mute, she’d watched him hurry away into the woods. She’d waited for her heart to pound in her ears, as it had so much in the past few weeks, but it didn’t. If it beat at all, it did so silently.
For a dark moment, Elaine wondered if Connor had taken her heart with him.
Now, out on the dock, as Lex put their luggage into his boat, she tried to remain strong as their friends wished them well. Everyone was there, from Ryland to Fleur and everyone she’d grown to love in between. Lia even brought baby Kody. Next to baby Lloyd, he looked so little, but Elaine knew they’d both be big and strong one day.
“You’ll call as soon as you get settled?” asked Fleur.
Elaine nodded. She would and had no intention of burying herself in a hole again. She glanced at the line of trees.
Connor still hadn’t shown up. She didn’t expect he would, but she’d allowed herself to hope just a bit.
Ryland kissed Elaine on the cheek. “Remember what I said. Your cabin is reserved indefinitely. You always have a home on Gemini Island.”
“Thanks, Ry. I’ll be in touch.”
Elaine made the rounds and gave everyone hugs. It was a hard moment. Even some of the guys had tears in their eyes. When she got to Jani, he sniffled, and she’d never seen him cry before.
Lex helped her and the kids into the boat and started the engine. She gathered Andy and Layla to her, and they all waved.
Even though Elaine told herself not to do it, she glanced once more at the woods separating the dock and the rest of the resort.
No Connor.
It was probably for the best. Seeing him now would have shattered her. It was hard enough holding herself together for the children.
Lex steered away from the dock. “Hey, kids. Did I ever tell you about my Aunt Bertha’s nose hairs? They were so long you could braid them.”
As Lex amused Andy and Layla, Elaine turned and waved at her friends one more time.
A lone figure in a gray jacket approached the group from behind.
Elaine’s bear awoke and huffed and then hung its sad head.
Connor.
She held her breath.
He waved.
* * * *
“Grandma! Grandpa!” Andy and Layla raced up the porch toward Elaine’s parents.
Her folks held out their arms to greet the kids. Elaine’s dad scooped Layla up and tossed her into the air. In the meantime, her mom grabbed Andy and gave him a ferocious cuddle. Both of them were in tears.
“Grandma,” asked Andy once he was released from her grip, “why does everyone cry when they see us?”
“Oh.” Wendy Banks wiped her nose on a tissue. “It’s because we love you so much, that’s why.”
Mark Banks worked in construction and liked to pretend he had a gruff exterior, but Elaine knew her dad was a big softie. He frowned at Andy and held out his hand, as if to shake it. “Sir.”
Andy just laughed and jumped into his arms.
Layla tried to drag them both into the house, but they paused at the door.
Uncomfortable, Elaine grabbed her handbag, locked the car doors, and held back at the car. Her brain was frazzled, her heart was raw, and her insides were mush. She wasn’t sure she was capable of making conversation right now, and yet she had to have what was bound to be one of the most difficult conversations of her life.
“Guess what, Grandma?” said Andy. “I turned into a great, big bear the other day.”
“Of course, you did.” She laughed and patted him on his bottom. “What an imagination. You two head inside. We’ll be right in.”
Her parents turned to her. The walk up the pathway to her family home had never been so long. Elaine bit her tongue in an attempt to banish the lump in her throat. She’d promised herself no more tears. She’d already cried a million. Between Connor and Lloyd, surely her body couldn’t possibly dredge up any more water. With a deep breath, she walked up the front porch stairs. “Mom. Dad.”
Her mother’s face crumpled as she tucked Elaine’s hair behind her ears. “Baby girl. Come here.”
They surrounded her in a long, tight group hug. Protected by their embrace, Elaine succumbed. Tearful spasms shook her body. All she could think about was Connor standing on the dock, waving at her, his face so drawn and sad. Her parents didn’t let go until her last tear was shed, and she soaked up the affection.
“You’re shaking.” Her mom’s face creased with anxiety. “Are you taking your iron pills? You’ve always been a little anemic.”
Elaine grinned. “I’m not anymore. I promise.” Anemia was the least of her problems.
“It’s been too long,” said her dad.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Now, now.” Her mom smiled. “Your apologies aren’t good here and you know it. We’re just so happy to have you home.”
Home.
Was it home?
Time would tell.
Connor. Her bear groaned. He’s our home.
“Come inside,” said her dad. “I’ve marinated some thick steaks for dinner. You know, the ones Lloyd always liked.” When he caught his own reference, he blushed. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I still find myself talking about Lloyd some days.”
“It’s okay. I do, too.”
“We have so much to catch up on.” Her mom sighed. “We want to hear all about Alaska. Toni and Fred have been calling. They seem worried about you, but they wouldn’t say why. And you have to tell us all about your time on Gemini Island.” She perked up. “How is Lloyd’s friend Connor doing?”
Connor. If only they knew how those two syllables pierced her soul. “Connor is, um…”
“Let the girl come inside, Wendy.” Her dad laughed. “Pretty soon, all the neighbors will be over, getting in Elaine’s business.”
“Your dad’s right. Dinner will be ready in two ticks. You must be starving after your drive.”
“Actually, Mom,” said Elaine as she followed them into the house, “can dinner wait a few minutes? There’s something I want to talk to you about.” She sat at the kitchen table. If she didn’t get it off her chest now, she’d lose her nerve.
“Is everything okay?” asked her mother.
“Yes, everything’s fine, but everything’s changed, too.”
Her father grinned. “That sounds mysterious.”
“Mom, Dad, have a seat.” When they were seated, Elaine grabbed their hands and held them. “Do you remember when Lloyd and I started dating? One day, he brought me into the woods with him. He told me he had a huge secret. He was really scared to tell me, but I told him he could trust me. I want to share it with you now, and I need to be able to trust you.”
“Of course, you can trust us, baby girl,” said Wendy.
Her father nodded.
Elaine smiled and began her story.