Chapter 25 – Finding Lexi

When I woke up, the apartment was empty. Alex had left early and went to workout in the gym, or so the note on the kitchen counter informed me. Maybe he was just avoiding me, avoiding the awkwardness that was now our existence. I was alone, except for DarNell’s looming presence on the outside of the front door.

My stomach growled in protest from skipping lunch and dinner yesterday. My loss of appetite was being over-ridden by my biological need for nourishment. Food. Ughhh, I had no desire to eat and despite my body’s dissent, I decided instead to get dressed and venture outside.

I hadn’t been “outside” since we got back, unless you count being transported to and from hospital. Granted, I hadn’t exactly been in good enough shape to stroll through the streets of Manhattan, but now I was feeling claustrophobic. Caged. Isolated. Of course people had stopped by and visited and there was a constant stream of emails, phone calls and text messages but it all felt the same. Their pity and sadness filled the rooms and I hated it.

Throwing on jeans and a t-shirt, I left my hair down and threw on a baseball cap. I looked delightfully un-remarkable as I covered my eyes with Alex’s mirrored aviators. Now I just needed the over-sized take away Starbuck’s cup and I was the perfect celebrity cliché. HA! Just knowing I was going outside made me smile even though I had no idea of where I was heading.

DarNell looked startled when I opened the door. “Lexi,” he greeted me.

“Hey D! I’m bored. Let’s get out of here for a few hours ok?” I smiled, tossing my phone and keys into my handbag.

“You sure you are ready for that? There’s press sniffing around downstairs.” DarNell rubbed his chin displaying his displeasure for my idea.

“So we can go down to the underground car park and drive out. The windows are so tinted in the Escalade, they won’t know who it is. If I have to stare at these walls another day I’m going to lose my shit. Think of it as a little covert operation. You know Jake would be into it if he was here.” I baited.

DarNell let out a large, throaty laugh. “Yeah, Jake would probably be cammed up, ready to extract!” He jingled his keys in his pocket. “Ok, where too?”

I gave him a massive smile and clapped enthusiastically as we walked to the elevator, “I don’t know, some where we can just get lost for a little while.”

“I know just the place.” DarNell press the B button as the door closed. “You tell Alex you’re going AWOL?”

“I left a note.” I smirked, knowing that Alex would probably go out of his mind knowing I had left without him. I wasn’t trying to piss him off, ok maybe just a little, but this is exactly what the “old Lexi” would have done. We needed to try and get back to “normal” - whatever our definition of it used to be.

The doors flew open and the bright artificial lights of the parking garage welcomed us. DarNell shook his head.

“What?! You disapprove?” I questioned.

“Nothing. It’s not my business,” DarNell frowned.

“That never stopped you from speaking freely with me before. Please DarNell, just fucking talk to me like you used to. I’m sick of people treating me like I’m made of glass.”

“You know he’s going to lose his shit right? I can’t say I blame him Lexi. Seeing you the way he did… It changes a man. You know what I had to do to restrain him that night when we got the call from the cops? Lexi, Alex wanted to kill him. Not in the flippant way we drop the word here and there, I mean actually take his life from his body. It was like he was possessed or something. I’ve never seen him like that, ever. So yeah, I fucking disapprove.” He walked to the door and held it open for me.

It was like I’d been slapped in the face. So, added to the roller coaster of emotions I already felt, guilt over Alex was piled on there too.

“D, I’m hurting too.” I was glad Alex’s Ray Bans were hiding my eyes as tears began welling.

“Shit Lex. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, it’s just you know - he’s a fucking mess too.” DarNell shuffled in place, clearly uncomfortable with our little emotional tete-a-tete.

“No, I’m glad you told me. No one seems to talk to me like I’m real anymore. I hate it.” I wiped at the tear traveling down my cheek.

“Yeah well any time you need someone to get real with ya, you just let me know. I’m not real good with this sensitivity horse-shit.” DarNell’s smile eased the awkwardness.

“Thanks D. Let’s get out of here.” I buckled up my seat belt and DarNell climbed into the driver’s seat. 

As we eased out of the parking garage into the street, so did my mind. At least for a little bit I felt like I could breathe again.

 

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DarNell and I had spent the morning and most of the afternoon wandering around Central Park. We ate junk food from street vendors and no one seemed to know or care who I was. It was heaven. DarNell wasn’t much of a talker so the conversation was kept to a minimum, but it was easy and relaxed. This was better than any magic pill Dr. Hart prescribed for me.

Alex had called DarNell, and I could tell by D’s tone, that Alex had probably chewed him out. He took it in his stride and assured Alex he had the “situation under control” but I knew that when we got home the easy and relaxed atmosphere we had experienced would evaporate.

As wonderful as the day had been, it had to end. The drive back to the apartment was met with mixed emotions. I couldn’t regret the day, I had needed it. Alex would have to understand. I just hated that I had unwillingly dragged DarNell into this mess. I wouldn’t allow Alex to take it out on him. No, if he was going to be mad, he could be mad at me and me alone.

I straightened my posture before entering the apartment, ready for the argument that would surely follow. I pushed open the door and took a deep breath.

Alex looked relaxed as he sat on the couch, his 1970s Stratocaster in his hand while he scribbled on the notebook in front on him. “Hey.” He glanced up at me. If he was still angry he was hiding it well.

“Hey,” I responded as I sunk into the seat next to him, “You working on a new song?”

“Yeah, I had a riff floating around in my head earlier. I wanted to get it down.” As Alex moved the guitar out of his lap, I noticed his right hand was red and swollen.

“Alex, what the fuck?” I picked up his hand to inspect it.

“I punched a wall!” he responded blandly.

“You punched a wall? Why?” I blinked

“Figured it was better than the alternative.” Alex closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

“Alex, look at me. I’m sorry if I pissed you off before. I just needed to get out of here for a bit. I felt like I was in a cage.” I hated the distance that was between us, it seemed to have grown since last night.

Alex opened his eyes slowly, “Lexi, I wasn’t pissed off. I was... look we need to talk.”

“I agree.” I curled my legs under my body as I faced him.

“Last night, it wasn’t that I didn’t want you. God, I had a fucking hard on for three hours.” Alex’s lips curled into a wicked half grin.

“Then why did you say no? Why not at least attempt it?”

“Because if anything I did brought you back to that place, brought up those feelings in you - it would destroy me. The thought of us being together and then seeing hurt or fear in your eyes, I just can’t do it. I’m on a hair trigger Lex, that would finish me.” Alex’s face was tortured, dark and it scared me a little.

“I wouldn’t be thinking of him, because it’s you. I know you can’t understand it but I need you to help me heal.” I glided my fingers along the contours of his jaw, his stubble bristling underneath.

“In the hospital… You thought I was him... When I touched you. You pulled away. You kept saying no.” Alex’s eyes darkened.

I tried to search my memory bank but all I came up with was haze. Fragmented memories of those hours laying in that bed. I can’t imagine ever pulling away from Alex, “I…I don’t remember. Alex, I know you aren’t him. Look at me, I know you won’t hurt me.”

“I’m not trying to pull this macho caveman bullshit on you Lexi but I swear I have this undeniable urge to protect you. I can’t lose you.” Alex gazed at me intently.

“You are not going to lose me but you need to stop treating me like I’m going to shatter at any moment. I need to feel like me again and we need to move on with our lives. I’ve been dealing with fucked up shit my whole life and the only way I know is to go forward. I need to push through, demons withstanding.”

“Then let me show you another way Lex, let me show you we can still move forward while we reconcile the past. We can bury those demons, we can be free of them forever. Let me help you. You can’t do this on your own and I need to be a part of this, I can already feel you slipping away.” Alex moved closer and pushed a stray hair away from my face.

He was right, we both were slipping. It was like being halfway up Mt Everest and wondering if it was worth the risk in trying to reach the summit. Not because you didn’t want to, because you wouldn’t have started climbing the stupid mountain if you didn’t have that desperate desire from the start. It was about whether you would make it and whether you would survive that journey. There was no shame in half way, it was higher than I’d gone and it was not without causalities. The next part of the climb was by far the most dangerous and scariest part. I wasn’t just risking not making it to the top; I was risking myself as well. It was easier when I had nothing to lose, but now things were different. I’d been climbing thus far unaided, thinking it would be a sign of weakness if I needed help – that was one of my demons. But if I was going to go any further, there was no way I could do it alone. I would need to silence that voice that stopped me from reaching out. I needed to extend my hand and know that didn’t diminish who I was.

I looked at Alex, at his beautiful, hypnotic blue eyes. Did I stay and climb? Or did I decide the loss of life was too great? He’d already made his choice - he needed to reach the summit. He wasn’t a halfway kind of guy and it wasn’t a pride thing, it was genetically engineered into him. He had no other choice and he was willing to carry me. However even the strongest, most dedicated climbers sometimes failed.

“Alex, it’s not easy for me. I’ve always done things on my own.” I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto the couch.

“But you aren’t on your own anymore. I’m here. I want us to be whole again Lexi.” I could feel Alex move closer.

I kept my eyes closed, not ready to look at him, “Do you still want a family... with me?”

“Open your eyes Lexi.” Alex’s liquid voice coaxed my lids open. “YOU are my family. I want you. I’ve always wanted you and that isn’t going to change.”

I could feel my chest tightening, my breaths becoming quicker and more shallow.

“Breathe Lexi, Breathe. Baby… I love you. And if all it ever ends up being is the two of us, well I’m ok with that.  Really, I am. What I’m not ok with, is losing you and I don’t mean just physically.”

I closed my eyes again and let each breath fill my lungs completely before I exhaled. I wanted to go further. I needed to do this and I would take whatever lifeline I had to take to get there. It was time to tighten the laces on my boots and dig in.

“Ok Alex, I’m ready. Help me make it to the top.”

Alex’s strong arms wrapped around me, his mouth twisting into his famous half grin, confused by my choice of words. “Are you still trying to get me into bed?”

“Are you still saying no?” A ghost of a grin played on my lips.

Alex flashed his eyes closed before re-opening them, his brilliant blue gaze fixing on mine.

“Not like this Baby, as much as I want you. It can’t be like this. Can I just hold you?”

I sucked in the air hard, allowing it to fill me before slowly breathing out. We were in this together and if one of us fell, we both would.

“Yeah, I think I would like that.”

This was one hell of a gamble and one we both were willing to make. Only time would tell if we would become statistics or conquerors. 

 

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