Chapter Twelve
Hannah
But Declan is also a priest. I shiver at the word. Priest. I still can’t believe it. What’s the world coming to if someone can do what he did and still become a priest? He claims that the church knows, but I’m doubting that. Surely there would have to be some kind of standard he would need to meet? I can’t possibly understand how being a rapist wouldn’t disqualify you from being accepted. But isn’t that the whole thing about the church, acceptance and forgiveness? I shake my head. I can’t think about this now.
I sit in my car for a moment and get my head back in the game. I want to get this over and done with, but at the same time I’m nervous about facing someone from my past. Even though we didn’t really know each other, it’s daunting how much she would know about me and my life. I wonder if she is feeling the same way? Is she worried that I’ll be judging her for who her brother is? I’m trying so hard to forget that she’s related to Declan, because I can’t go in there thinking about him. I need to keep my head clear, and do what is best for Anna. If I think about him, then it will cloud my judgement.
“Let’s get this over with,” I mutter to myself.
Getting out of the car, I hit lock and then walk up the pathway toward the front door. I have to squeeze past an expensive looking SUV that is taking up most of the driveway. I glance at my reflection in the shiny silver paint.
My hands shake as I reach for the doorbell. I’m so nervous. It makes it easier that he’s not going to be there, but my stomach is still a twisted mess. I feel sick. I clutch the edge of the door frame to steady myself.
Before I can compose myself, the door swings open. Lily stands there, a big smile on her face. She leans forward and hugs me. I’m taken aback by her affection because I didn’t expect such an intimate gesture. It’s not like we ever really knew each other. She was above me in school, and even then, we hung out in different crowds. I had one or two people I could almost call friends, while she was on nearly every club possible, from drama to cheerleading. I awkwardly hug her back and force a smile onto my face. In school, I hated girls like her, because girls like her picked on girls like me.
“Come in,” she says, waving me inside.
I follow her down the hallway to a small, formal lounge room. She motions for me to sit. I choose the couch and sit down stiffly, feeling anything but relaxed.
“Let me get you a drink,” she says. “Tea, coffee?” For probably the first time in my life I turn down a coffee. “I’m fine thanks,” I say, forcing another smile.
I study her face. She hasn’t changed much in looks. From her long blonde hair that hangs halfway down her back, to her beautiful smile and her perfectly manicured nails. I glance down at my own uneven nails that have been chewed to pieces and shove them under my thighs.
“Hannah, I know this is probably awkward for you, and I have to admit I’m a bit at a loss how to act around you,” she says, catching me off guard. It’s out of character and I wasn’t expecting her to be so honest. It makes me feel good that I’m not the only one struggling with how to act in this situation.
“Thanks. I appreciate that,” I say. My nerves begin to calm. Just like I am not the same person I was in school, neither is she.
“Okay, so what do we do now?” She hesitates, pursing her lips, like she’s unsure how I’m going to take whatever it is she’s about to say. “This might not be my place to offer, but if you want to ask me anything about Declan …”
I blink, wondering how many times this girl is going to surprise me. I have so many things I want to ask her, but the last thing I want to do is throw her into the middle. She’s doing a lot to help by letting Anna stay here, and I don’t want her to think I don’t appreciate that. But the offer to ask about Declan is so tempting. Too tempting to ignore. I ask the one question that’s been burning in my mind.
“Do you think he’s changed?”
A flicker of concern passes through her eyes. She sits down opposite me and stares at her hands, silent for a moment before looking up at me. Her bright blue eyes stare into mine.
“I really do,” she says. “And I say that with complete honesty. If I thought he wasn’t a different person now, I would never leave him with my son.”
That makes sense and it makes me feel the tiniest bit better. This woman has a child to think about. You don’t willingly put your own child in a situation if you’re not completely at ease with it. Except Amanda did. And if she can, why can’t he? Because Declan isn’t driven by his drug habit, or his loyalty to an abusive partner. I’m stupid for even suggesting that. Maybe he has changed. For anyone else, that might be enough, but when he’s done so much to hurt you, it’s harder to forgive.
I’m not saying that I don’t think he should be allowed to move on, it’s just too close for me to be able to forgive him. He might’ve devoted his life to pay for what he did, but it still doesn’t excuse it. I don’t think anything ever can. As if she can read my thoughts, Lily clears her throat.
“Listen, Hannah. What he did to your family …” she shakes her head. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it was for you. But since he found his calling, he is a completely different person.”
“I’m glad he’s turned his life around,” I say quietly. “But that doesn’t bring Cecily back.”
“No,” she agrees. “It doesn’t.” She sighs and sits forward, placing her hands between her thighs. “When he was sent from juvenile detention into the adult prison, he changed. I’m not exactly sure what happened to him in there, but he had it rough. When he got out, it took him a long time to find his feet, but he got there. I might not agree with him giving up his life for God, but I can’t deny it helped him immensely.”
“You don’t agree with him being a priest?” I ask.
“I worry that he has devoted too much of his life away.” She looks up at the ceiling and shakes her head. “It feels horrible saying this to you, but, from my point of view, he shouldn’t have to give the rest of his life up when he’s paid for what he did. He was distraught after Cecily laid those charges against him. And I know this doesn’t change anything for you, but all he wanted to do was plead guilty.”
“He told me that,” I mumble.
“That was never an option for my father. He spent thousands on Declan’s defence. He hired the best lawyers, the best advisors, the best private detectives. Dec wanted none of that. He ruined any chance he had of a relationship with Dad because he did everything he could to fight him on it.”
“But he didn’t do enough,” I whispered. “I find it hard to believe that he couldn’t have convinced your dad to stop. If he really wanted to help Cecily, he could have.”
“You don’t know our father,” Lily says. Her eyes fill with tears. She’s frustrated and so am I. “Did he tell you that our parents haven’t spoken to him in fourteen years?”
“No,” I mutter. My heart races because I don’t know how to feel about that. Does it change anything? “He didn’t.”
Lily nods. “Not because of what he did, but because he wanted to own up to it. That’s what my father couldn’t get past.” She sighs. “He’s a good person, Hannah. He made a mistake, and he paid for that. I just wish he would move on. Get married. Have kids, you know? There are things he’s never going to experience because he just can’t forgive himself for what he did.”
“I’m trying to understand where you’re coming from,” I say. My voice shakes, but I need to get this out. I’ve listened to her, now she needs to see things from my perspective. “But I take a deep breath. I can feel the waterworks coming on and the last thing I want is to cry in front of his sister. “Look, maybe we should just agree to disagree.”
“Sure,” she says softly. “If that’s what you want.”
“Okay.” I nod and get to my feet. “Then I guess you should show me around.”
Not that I really need to see much. I can already tell that it’s a loving home that is well set up to handle a foster child. As she leads me through the house I’m trying to focus on anything other than Declan and what he did to me, but I can’t get her words out of my head.
Is she right? Should he be allowed to move on? Maybe I’m being way too hard on him.
“This is my son, Henry’s room. He’s not much older than Anna, and he’s a good boy. I really hope he will take her under his wing and treat her like a sister.” That’s what they practically are. She has no idea the little girl she is letting in is her niece.
“I imagine Anna will feel much better with a friend to play with,” I say.
“Declan mentioned that she saw the whole thing,” she says softly. “That must’ve been horrific. That poor little girl.”
I nodded. “She’s been through a lot. What she really needs now is stability. Somewhere that she feels safe, because she has a long road ahead of her.”
“And I hope she can get that here, but …” Her troubled eyes fixate on mine. “This is only temporary, right? Just until you figure out what to do with her? I know Declan wants to do whatever he can to help this little girl, but she’s not his responsibility, and I haven’t even talked about this with my husband ...” She lets out a laugh. “God, I sound like such a bitch. Can I rephrase that?”
“No, I understand what you mean,” I assure her. In her mind, Declan is going above and beyond his role. He really needs to tell his sister the truth. “You’re doing a wonderful thing by letting her stay here even just in the short-term. We will do our best to find a fast, long-term solution that works for everyone.”
The words spill out of my mouth, and I’m sure she can tell I’m hiding something. I feel like I’m lying to her, because I know Declan is hoping this will be permanent.
“Good,” she says. The relief on her face is obvious. “It’s just hard enough with Henry and my husband being away so much. If she were family, it would be different.”
I nod, looking anywhere but at her. God, I need to get out of here before I let something slip. I announce that we’re done and pick up my things. She walks me to the door and I give her an awkward smile.
“I know this was … weird, but it was good seeing you. Declan’s lucky to have you in his corner,” I say.
“Thanks. I guess I’ll be seeing you? Declan mentioned that you want to be here when I’m not?”
“Just as a precaution,” I say, embarrassed. “I know you say that I can trust him, but until I see that for myself …”
“I completely get it. You’ve got your job to protect. My hours can be a bit odd from time to time—I’m not usually home on a Friday afternoon, for instance, but Declan can fill you in on that. You’re really committed to your job,” she comments.
“More this little girl,” I say. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
My smile hides the uneasy feeling that is stirring inside me. It’s like I’m just now realizing the sheer workload that I’ve agreed to. I can barely manage to keep my head above water as it is. Babysitting Declan is going to be like a full-time job in itself. There’s no way I’m going to be able to cope.
I leave the house and walk back to my car. Just as I crank the engine to life, I see Declan’s car coming the other way. Quickly I slam my foot down on the accelerator and shoot past him. It’s only once I pass him and check the number plate I realise that it wasn’t even him. I round the corner and pull over to the curb. I feel sick as I stare at my hands, which are still shaking as they grip the wheel.
Gosh, I’m such a mess. I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing. I feel like I’m getting in over my head and I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to dig myself out. It isn’t enough that he’s occupying my thoughts, now I’m seeing him everywhere.
My phone vibrates next to me. I don’t want to check it in case it’s Declan. But in the end curiosity wins out and I pick it up. It’s Max. I’m relieved until I read the message.
Max: Where are you? Jo is on the warpath.
I press call because it’s easier than texting. He answers on the second ring.
“Is everything okay? Where are you?” he asks, concern lacing his voice.
“I’m fine,” I sigh and rub my aching head. The days feel like they’re blending into one. The last thing I want to do is deal with work or put Max in the situation where he has to lie for me. “I just had something to do.”
“I know I said I’d cover for you, but Jo is riding my arse, Hanny. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold her out.”
Shit. That is exactly what I didn’t want to hear.
“Hanny, I get that you want to help Anna, I really do. But as of this morning there are twenty-six other cases sitting on your desk with kids just like her who you’re not going to be able to help if you don’t have a job.” His words hit me hard. I know he’s right, but I also know it’s not going to stop me. “Look, just talk to me. What’s going on? I know there’s more to this than Declan just being back. You used to be able to tell me anything.”
“Max, I’m fine it’s just—”
“Don’t bullshit me, Hannah. I know you. You’re not fine, and I’m going to keep hassling you until I finally drag it out of you.”
“Fine,” I growl. I don’t doubt for a second that he’s telling me the truth. “Meet me at Macy’s in an hour.”
Max is already there when I arrive at Macy’s, a hip little café just around the corner from our work. I should’ve picked somewhere on the other side of the city, because my heart is in my chest every time that stupid bell above the door rings. I’m just waiting for Jo to walk in and see me lounging back, drinking lattes when I should be working.
He waves me over to where he sits drinking his macchiato. I slump down opposite him and take a big sip of the cappuccino that he’s already ordered me. I’m relieved that he chose a table away from the door where I can relax a little bit.
“So?” he asks. I laugh. That’s Max. No foreplay, just straight into the action. What’s going on?”
“So …” I begin. I press my lips together, wishing I wasn’t so scared to talk about this. I need to let everything out, not only for my own sanity but also because he’s the only person I trust to give me an unbiased opinion on what I’m doing. If he thinks I’m making a huge mistake he’ll let me know.
“You know what happened with my sister when I was a kid?” I say. He nods, a frown forming on his lips as he concentrates on what I’m saying over the noise in the cafe. “He’s back. He’s the priest.”
“What do you mean he’s back?” he asks. “The guy who raped your sister is a priest?”
“No,” I say grimly. “Well yes, but he wasn’t when he raped her. He’s a priest now.”
“Is he bothering you?” He sits back and shakes his head, his expression turning angry. “This explains why you’ve been so jumpy lately. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” he growls. His dark eyes flash with hurt. “I could’ve helped you. Tell me where he is, and I’ll go around and sort him out.”
“Max,” I chuckle, my eyes running over his scrawny frame. “I’ve seen you fight. You hit like a ten-year-old girl.”
“Okay, so maybe there’s some truth in that, but I have friends with muscles who owe me favours,” he growls, his eyes flashing. “Seriously, Hanny, I’m upset that you didn’t tell me this.”
“If you’d just be quiet for five minutes, I will tell you the whole story,” I say, rolling my eyes. “He’s not hassling me, Max. It’s way more complicated than that.”
“Complicated how?”
“He is the priest who I went to see yesterday. The one Anna is with.”
His eyes widen. “He’s the priest you’ve left a six-year-old girl with?” he echoes. “Holy shit. Why? And how the hell did he become a priest?”
“He’s the only one that Anna will let around her,” I say, ignoring his question. “I need to make sure I’m doing everything I can to keep her safe and not damage her any more than she already is.” I sigh, frustrated that this is all so hard. “One or the other I can manage, but both?” I shake my head.
“And you think he’s changed?”
“I don’t know.” I sigh. That was the whole problem. “Maybe I just don’t want to believe it? Maybe he has changed but I’m not ready to move on. I mean, he’s a priest. That’s a big thing to do if you don’t mean it, right? That’s a huge commitment to make.”
“It is,” he nods. “What does your gut tell you?”
“My gut is telling me one thing, and my heart is telling me another.” I throw my hands up. “I don’t know which to listen to. I’m just a mess, to be honest. That’s why this case is taking up so much of my attention. If I let Anna stay with him, then I need to do everything in my power to make sure she is safe.”
“There is no one else she can go stay with?” he asks, furrowing his brow. “I mean, you can’t be there twenty-four hours a day, right?”
“No, but I don’t have to. He’s moving back in with his sister. I’m comfortable with that, but she works full-time, and I agreed to be there when she’s not.”
“How the hell do you plan on managing that?” Max asks with a laugh “That’s a full-time job in itself.”
“I know,” I huff. I hate being told I’m wrong, even when I know it’s true. “I didn’t exactly think it through when I suggested it,” I mutter. I groan and rest my head on the table. “I don’t know what else to do.”
I let Anna down once already; I don’t want to do it again, but things have just got a whole lot more complicated with Declan.
“I just need to do this until I figure something else out,” I mutter. If I convince myself this is only temporary, there is a chance I can pull through this. “Will you help me? Please?”
“Don’t I always help you, Hanny?” He sighs. “Okay, I’ll think of something to tell Jo, but I want you to at least think about taking some time off.”
I grin, knowing that’s not going to happen. “Thanks Max. I owe you big time for this. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I often ask myself the same thing,” he jokes. He leans over and squeezes my hand and then stands up. “I mean it, Hannah. Time off. Now, I better get back before the dragon notices I’m gone. Call me if you need anything, okay? Even if you just want to talk.”
I stand up and give him a hug, then watch him walk out. I feel better because I at least have a plan in place. I have no intention of taking more than a couple of days off, and there is plenty still to be done, like get Anna into some counselling and I work out where things stand longer term with Anna and Declan, but this is a good start.
Anna has her first counselling session with the psychologist I arranged for her, so I ask Declan to meet me in the park next door to her office. I’m parked under a huge, billowing tree with my laptop open on my lap and my coffee in hand while I wait for him to arrive.
As I’m closing my laptop, I look up and see Declan. My heart begins to pound as I watch him stride across the park in my direction. One hand is casually in his pocket, the other swinging loosely as he moves. I swallow, my throat dry. God, he looks good. He’s dressed in a black shirt, his white collar perfectly positioned. His dark, curly hair blows softly against the wind. His intense eyes lock on mine and I shiver. Such an unusual shade of brown. They’re so dark, they’re almost look black. I swallow. Everything about him is perfect. Just as it was fourteen years ago.
“Thanks for meeting me,” I say. I stare at him, ignoring the flutter in my stomach and keep my voice cool.
“I told you, whatever you need,” he says softly.
“Firstly, I wanted to apologize,” I begin. He raises his eyebrows as if he surprised to hear me say that. “I should never have gone off at you like that. And I should have let you tell your side of things, so I apologize.”
“I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did, Hannah. I would’ve done the same thing. I agree it looks bad.”
“Really bad,” I butt in.
He nods, a ghost of a smile forming on his lips. “It looks really bad, but if you just let me explain I can try and make you understand how all this happened.”
“I’m listening.” I grip my coffee and bring it to my lips. I’m not even thirsty but I just need to focus on something other than his velvety smooth voice. “How did you meet Amanda?”
“When Father Brennan found me, he took me back to the church. I was living out of my car and blowing most of my welfare payments on drugs and alcohol.”
“How did you know father Brennan?” I vaguely remember the elderly priest from the church he is talking about. …
“I know him from way back. He baptized me. He’s like family to me. More than my own parents were, sometimes.” The heartache in his voice makes me feel sorry for him. I frown, not liking the feeling. “When Lily told him how bad things were and how worried he and my mother were about me, he made it his mission to help me.” I nod, and wait for him to continue. He takes a deep breath, his fingers playing with the handle of his cup. “He put me to work. Just odd jobs around the church, enough to distract me and give me some responsibility. His only condition was that I stop the drinking and the drugs. He put me through rehab and got me clean. I owe everything to him.”
“Where does Amanda fit in?” I ask.
“This was all back in Blackburn, before I moved here. About six years ago she started coming to church. I’d see her sitting in the back listening to Father Brennan, but then she’d disappear the second it was over. I was mesmerized by her. She was so beautiful yet when I looked into her eyes all I could see was pain. One day she came in with a very obvious bruise on the side of her face. Back then she didn’t have a problem with drugs, but she was already locked into that cycle of abuse. I don’t even think she was with Malcom then.”
“She moved from one abusive relationship to the next,” I mumble.
“More or less.” He nods, his gaze falling to the grassy ground beneath us. My heart pounds listening to him talk about her. I feel a pang of jealousy, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being jealous of her and for whatever it was I just felt for him. The only thing I want to feel for him is disgust.
“So one day, I made my move. The second the sermon finished, she left like she usually did, only I was waiting for her. She was terrified. I knew she was in trouble and all I wanted to do was help, but she didn’t want to talk to me. But, I was nothing if I wasn’t determined.”
“So, you were a priest at this stage?” I clarify. It’s the only reason he’d have to not bring all this out into the open now.
“Not yet. I was still studying at that stage. I wasn’t sworn in until the following June.”
“And when you … Anna?” I ask. I can’t even say it, let alone think about him being with someone else. The thoughts racing through my head shock me. Who am I?
“Still not then,” he says. “It only happened a few times, and then she disappeared. I tried to find her, but she didn’t want to be found, so I assumed she’d gone back to her boyfriend. I often thought about her, but I moved on with my life.”
“How did you find out about Anna?” I ask. How long has he known about his daughter?
“Amanda came to see me. A few weeks before she died, she turned up at the church and told me I had a daughter. She knew that she was in danger and she wanted to make sure Anna was taken care of. I’m sure of that.” He pauses and presses his lips together, regret clouding his eyes. “I think about that day a lot, because I’m sure I missed something. Some sign, something that I could’ve done to help her.”
“If you weren’t a priest then, why do you need my help?” I ask suddenly. “I don’t understand why you can’t do this on your own. You’re her only relative. You’re her father. No judge would deny you custody of your daughter, even with your history.”
He studies my face, a pained look in his eyes. “Think about it, Hannah. How old was Amanda?”
Then it dawns on me. Oh shit.
She had just turned twenty-two and Anna is a few months shy of seven.
I stare at him, my eyes wide. Amanda was only fifteen when they were together, and the age of consent in Victoria is sixteen. She would’ve only been a couple of months off being sixteen, but he still broke the law.
This just keeps getting worse. It’s like a badly written
“I swear I had no idea she was only sixteen when we were together,” he says. I can’t look at him, because it’s always something. Just when he starts wearing me down, the next thing pops up and we’re back to the beginning. “I never, ever would’ve been with her had I known, but with my record … Well you know what would happen.”
“You don’t have much luck, do you, Declan?” I sigh. My head aches. I reach up and rub my temples, surprisingly calm.
“So, will you still help me?” he asks, his voice strained. He’s nervous, and I don’t blame him. I’m his only hope.
“I said I would,” I reply, keeping my voice even. The relief on his face is evident, but I’m not doing this for him, and I hope he realises that. “I’ll put in a recommendation that Lily keep Anna in the interim, but you need to figure out where you stand, Declan. If you plan on applying for custody, you might want to do it soon. You can do that without disclosing you’re her father.”
“That’s not an option,” he replies immediately. I’m shocked he’s made that decision so quickly. “I can’t let the church find out what really happened. I will lose everything.”
I shake my head, because the church is the least of his worries. He committed a crime—again—and Anna proves it. Once again, I’m covering up something that I just don’t want to cover up. I hate that he’s putting me in this position, and I hate that I’m letting him.
“Then you need to work out what is an option,” I reply, unable to keep the annoyance out of my voice. “And you might want to start by telling your sister the truth.”