Chapter Sixteen
Declan
When Hannah doesn’t show up at Lily’s on Monday morning, I get worried. The last time I saw her was in my car, after I dropped her off from the hospital on Saturday. We kissed, and then she was gone. We both needed space to figure out how to get through this, and with everything going on with her mother, I knew I needed to give it to her.
By Tuesday morning, I’m beside myself. Something must be wrong. I know her mother has been sick, but she takes her job so seriously. For her not to be here when Lily goes to work—or even just call to tell me—has to mean that something is wrong.
I hang up the phone after another unsuccessful attempt at contacting her. I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. I pace the lounge room not sure what to do. I could go to her house and check on her, but that would mean admitting that I’ve been thinking about her. I’ll feel like an idiot if she’s just avoiding me because of what happened. But she wouldn’t do that, would she? She would never put our issues above Anna’s welfare. Unless this whole thing about being here when Lily isn’t was all just a ploy to get close to me. I snort.
Great! Now I’m delusional.
I walk down the hallway and check on Anna, who is down for an afternoon nap. She’s sound asleep in her bed. I smile at how peaceful she looks, because it’s something I don’t get to see very often
In the back of my mind I’m terrified of losing her. My fate is in Hannah’s hands and sometimes I feel like I’m doing everything I can to fuck it up. It’s like I’m going out of my way to ruin anything positive in my life. What if everything with Hannah affects me being with Anna?
I stop psychoanalysing myself long enough to walk back down to the living room. I try Hannah again, slamming my phone down onto the coffee table, frustrated when she doesn’t answer.
The second Lily arrives home from work, I meet her at the door to ask her if she can watch Anna for a few hours. I’m already grabbing my keys and putting on my shoes before she’s even answered.
“Sure,” she says, looking a little surprised. “Is everything okay, Dec? Where’s Hannah?”
“She had to leave early,” I say. Then I mumble something about a church thing and rush out the door before she can ask any more questions. I’ve had more church things in the last two weeks than I’ve had in the last five years and I’m pretty sure that hasn’t gone unnoticed.
I pull up out in front of her apartment, still second-guessing myself. I don’t know what part of me thinks going to see her is a good idea, but I’ve never let common sense get in the way before. Why start now? Besides, if she’d answered one of my hundred text messages, then I wouldn’t be here.
Getting out of my car, I walk over and into her complex. My heart races as I walk through the revolving door and nod toward the doorman. His eyes fall on the white collar around my neck and he smiles. Shit. Way to draw attention to myself. Maybe I should have changed into something more casual, but I knew Lily would’ve questioned that, because if there’s one thing I pride myself on, it’s my appearance when I’m at work. I’m a reflection on God, and I like to look the part.
“Evening, Father,” he says.
“Hello,” I smile.
I head for the elevator, feeling like a fraud. I don’t deserve to be representing God when I have feelings like this for a woman. And if you can’t control yourself, why are you even here? To check that she is okay, I tell myself. No. You want to make sure that she’s not angry at you, because that’s what you think this is about. I take a deep breath, refusing to acknowledge the little voice in my head telling me that my reasons for being here aren’t innocent.
I travel up to her floor and walk along the empty hallway, searching for her apartment number. When I find it, I knock lightly on the door, half hoping she doesn’t hear it.
I ball my hands into fists at my side, to hide the fact that they’re shaking so much. I’m so nervous. I don’t know how she will react to me being here. I don’t even know how I want her to react. Do I want her to be happy to see me? Do I want her to throw her arms around me and press those sweet lips against mine? I stiffen, angry at myself for going there. Is that why I’m here? I hate the man I am when I’m around her, yet here I am. Again.
“Declan?” She shakes her head after opening the door and seeing me standing there. She’s no doubt wondering what the hell is going on. I’m starting to wonder that too. “W-what are you doing here?” she stammers. Her cheeks flush red which makes me wonder what she’s thinking. Is she remembering our kiss? The way her lips felt against mine? Stop it.
“I haven’t been able to reach you and I was worried after what happened …” My voice trails off because I realize how crazy this is.
“I’ve had some things to deal with. My mother …” She shakes her head. “Do you want to come in?” she asks, stepping aside. I should say no. Now that I’ve seen she’s okay, I should turn around and walk away before I do something I regret; but instead, I nod and follow her in.
“Nice place,” I say glancing around. It looks cosy, like she enjoys her space. Artwork lined the walls as well as pictures of well-known landmarks, but the thing that is lacking is photos of family. I glance away, uneasy. Photos in the home reflect happy memories, and she didn’t have a lot of them as a child. I took care of that. She probably doesn’t want to remember anything that happened.
“Thanks,” she mumbles. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I know I left suddenly, but after what happened … I needed time to think. And then things happened with my mum and I got distracted. But,” she nods, “I should’ve called you.”
“It’s fine, I’m just glad you’re okay.” I make a face. “I feel kind of silly coming all the way over here now.”
“You really came all this way just to make sure I was okay?” she asks, her blue eyes meeting mine. I nod. I’m such a fraud.
“Well, since you’re here, can I make you a coffee or something? I assume Lily is looking after Anna?”
“Yes, and coffee would be great.” I follow her into the kitchen and lean against the wall watching her fill the coffee pot. I’m desperate to try and clear the awkward vibe that’s still lingering between us. “What happened with us—”
“Shouldn’t have happened,” she finishes. She places the pot on the stand and turns it on, then faces me. “I’m sorry, Dec. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You weren’t the only one,” I murmur. “I kissed you back. Twice if I recall.”
She doesn’t respond, instead she focuses on preparing the mugs in front of her like her life depends on it. Anything to avoid looking at me. My heart pounds as I reach out, my fingers stroking her hand. She turns to face me, confusion masking her eyes.
“Why did you kiss me back?” she whispers. My throat closes over as I look into those amazing eyes.
“Why did you kiss me in the first place?” I reply, my voice husky. “I kissed you back because I feel the same thing you do, but, just like you, there are reasons that I can’t let it happen again.”
“Because of your faith?” she questions. I can’t decide whether she’s angry or hurt. Maybe both. “That’s the only reservation you have about being with me?”
“Yes, but it’s a big reservation,” I reply.
“So, what do we do now, then?” she asks. “I think it’s clear that we can’t be around each other.”
“I thought you not being around wasn’t an option,” I point out. “What is the alternative, Hannah? Do you suddenly trust me to be alone with my daughter?”
She looks anywhere, but at me. I guess I have my answer. “I guess not then,” I mutter, frowning.
“You know it’s not that simple,” she whispers, her eyes wide. “I’m risking everything for you, Declan. Everything. I want to trust you. I do trust you. I just …” She sighs, resting her hands on the counter, bowing her head.
“So, you’re attracted to me, but you don’t trust me?” I laugh and shake my head. “You have two choices, Hannah. You either trust me enough for me to be alone with Anna, or we have to find a way to be around each other.”
“You’re making this really difficult for me,” she mumbles.
“I’m not making anything difficult,” I laugh. “You should be happy that Anna is my priority. It would be so much easier to just walk away, but I can’t … I won’t do that to her. You think I want to be around you all the time?”
“Gee thanks,” she mumbles.
I glare at her. “You know what I meant by that, Hannah. I can’t stand to be around you and not act on what I’m feeling. You think I like this? I hate myself every single second for who I am when I’m around you, but I can’t risk losing her.”
“Have you told Lily the truth?” She asks the question like she already knows the answer, and laughs when I scowl at her.
“I’m waiting for the right time,” I sigh.
“There is never going to be the right time,” she fires back. “You go on about how I need to trust you, but you can’t even tell your sister the truth about your own child.”
“If I tell her the truth, will that make a difference?” I ask.
“Yes,” she whispers.
“Do you mean that? All I have to do is tell her and suddenly you trust me?” I growl.
“I don’t joke about things like this, Declan. Telling Lily at least shows me that you’re serious. I want to believe that you are,” she whispers. She looks up at me, her eyes full of fear. “But what if I’m wrong? What if I take you by your word and something happens to that little girl? How do you think I’d feel then?”
“What if you don’t trust me and something happens?” I retort. “Jesus, Hannah. What’s your gut telling you?” She looks at me, not saying anything. I take her hand again and place it on my chest. “When you look at me, and I mean really look at me, what does your gut tell you?”
“That you’ve changed,” she whispers. Tears roll down her cheeks as she takes a step closer to me. “That you’re a good person.” My heart pounds as she inches even closer so our lips are almost touching. “But then I remember what you did. I’m scared, Declan.” She raises her eyes to meet mine. “How can you give in to me so easily?”
“I give in to you because your intoxicating.” My voice is hoarse. “I’d love nothing more than to be able to resist you, but I can’t.” She reaches forward and strokes my face. I breathe out sharply. “You touch me and my body goes crazy for you,” I whisper.
“Like this,” she whispers.
Her lips press against mine. It’s electrifying and everything around us stops. I grasp her dark hair, my mouth searching hers. I couldn’t break away from her if I wanted to.
With a low growl, I lift her onto the kitchen counter, nestling myself between her legs. Her arms wrap around my neck, our lips never parting. I kiss her neck, closing my eyes as I breathe in her smell. I run my hands over her thighs, pushing her skirt up higher. I want her on every level, and nothing else matters in this moment, other than her.
“Declan,” she whispers. She lets out a whimper as I fumble with the buttons on her shirt. I reach inside, my hands cupping her breasts. I lower my mouth to her nipple, flicking my tongue and sucking until it stiffens. She throws her head back, a moan passing her lips. Lifting her into my arms, I trail soft kisses down the curve of her neck and carry her toward the bedroom.
My heart races at what were about to do, but I’m willing to risk everything because the thought of not being with her scares me more. Every moment with her is worth risking, and while it scares the hell out of me, it’s a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time.
I move through her tiny apartment, my lips exploring her neck. I take a guess that the door on the left leads to her bedroom, and I’m right. Once inside, I throw her down on the bed. She laughs, gazing up at me with anticipation in her eyes. There’s no hesitation and no doubt, just longing and desire. She wants me as much as I want her. Diving on top of her, I send her into another round of giggles. She smiles as I lean down to kiss her again while I finish the job I started in removing her top.
She rolls over me so she’s on top and reaches behind her back to unclip her bra, letting the straps fall past her silky, creamy shoulders. I swallow, barely able to contain myself, at the site of her beautiful body. She grinds gently against my erection and I sigh, feeling like I could explode at any moment. I reach for the button on her jeans and yank it open, then slowly lower her zipper, my mouth watering at the sight of her bare skin. Just as I’m about to touch her, I hear a gasp behind us. Hannah’s mouth falls open and she jumps off me, nearly falling off the bed.
“God, no,” she whispers, her expression panic stricken.
A younger version of Hannah stands in the doorway. The shock in her eyes gives way to anger as she glares at me accusingly, and in that moment, I know exactly who she is. Tully. How did she recognize me so quickly? She would have only been eight when she saw me last. I don’t have time to think about that now.
I get to my feet, and straighten myself up, not sure what to do. Hannah shoots me a look. It’s clear she wants me to leave, but I’m torn, because this is my mess too. I should stay and help fix this, but the last thing I want is to make this any worse. If that’s even possible.
“Tully,” Hannah says moving away from me. She approaches her sister, but Tully shrugs her off. Her eyes blaze as she glares at her sister.
“Seriously? This is what has you so distracted?”