Chapter Nineteen
Hannah
I leave the church, distraught, and head home. I want to help him, I know he’s hurting, but I’m so torn over what to do. I unlock the door of my apartment and walk inside. I’m lost in thought and I don’t even notice Tully sitting on the couch staring at her hands. When I finally do, I jump, the unexpected presence scaring the hell out of me.
“Jesus, Tully, what are you doing here?” I ask. My heart races. I sit down, opposite her gearing myself up for another argument. I’m still so ashamed over what I’ve done, and if she knew where I’d just come from … well, I’m certain she’d be out that door so fast. I want to ask her what she told Mum, but I’m too scared to find out.
“I need to talk to you about Declan” she whispers. She looks up, her swollen and red eyes meeting mine. “It’s important, and something I should have told you a long, long time ago.”
“What is it?” I ask. My heart pounds because surely things couldn’t get any worse?
“He didn’t do it.”
“Tully? What do you mean he didn’t do it?” I say. My voice is calm, but inside I’m a mess. I walk over and sit down next to her. “Talk to me, Tull.” I take her hand, assuring her that it’s okay.
“Declan. He didn’t rape her, Han. He didn’t do it, and I knew all this time, and …” She bursts into tears. I wrap my arms around her and hold her. “I’m so sorry, Han. I didn’t know what to do, and when I saw you with him, I panicked.”
“Shh, it’s okay,” I say, kissing her forehead. I stroke her hair and hold her, tears springing in my eyes. I’m desperate for answers. I have so many questions racing around in my mind that I don’t know where to begin.
“How can you be so sure he didn’t do it, Tull?” I whisper.
“Just after it happened, I found Cecily’s diary in her bedroom. She’d written about the party, and …” She stops, her voice shaking and runs her fingers through her hair. I take her hand again, urging her to go on. “She’d had too much to drink, which you knew, and she passed out. All that happened like she said it did. She woke up and someone was on top of her, only she could see out the window that Declan was passed out near the pool. She tried to fight him, but he was too strong.”
She stops again, this time because she’s sobbing too hard to get the words out. I hold her, doing my best to soothe her. I can’t breathe. He didn’t do it. All this time he thought he was responsible … all this time I thought he did it, and he didn’t. This is unbelievable. I’m so angry, and I don’t know who to direct that to. Tully for lying to me? Cecily for making this up in the first place? I don’t get it. Why? How could she do that to him? I never would’ve thought that Cecily could be capable of this.
“Tull?” I ask gently. She’s not in the condition to answer questions, but I need to know. “Did she say who it was? Or why she said it was Declan?”
“Not in her diary …” She hesitates. “She walked in on me reading it, Hannah. She saw me sitting on the floor, invading her privacy and reading all her secrets. She was so angry.” Tears pour down her cheeks. She’s distraught. “I asked her why. I asked her how she could lie like that and she said that Nash told her he’d tell everyone that she came onto him. She said that for a tiny second she was angry at Declan for not protecting her, and then it was too late to take it back.”
“Nash? Declan’s best friend?” I gasp. “The guy who threw the party raped her?”
Tully nodded. “She grabbed the diary off me and screamed at me to get out. She told me if I told anyone that she’d never forgive me. I was so scared, Hannah, so I kept her secret.”
“What about after she killed herself?” I whisper. I’m trying so hard to comprehend this, but I’m struggling. How could she sit back and watch Declan go to prison? “Why wouldn’t you come forward then?”
“With what evidence?” Tully laughs, tears filling her eyes. “Cecily told me nobody would believe me, and after she …” She shudders. “It all felt too late.” I pull my hand away. I want to be understanding, but knowing what he went through …
“It felt too late?” I stare at her in disbelief. “He went to prison, Tully. I don’t think he would’ve seen it that way.”
“I was eight and my sister had just died,” Tully whispers back. “Can you really hate me for being scared?”
“I don’t hate you,” I sigh. “Why didn’t you tell me, Tully? I could’ve helped you.”
“Because you were so caught up in Mum and Dad. You didn’t have time for me, Hanny.” She starts to cry, and just like that, she’s my eight-year-old sister again. “You felt alone back then, but I felt worse.”
I stand up, dazed. I have to tell him. I need to find him and let him know that he didn’t do it. I grab my purse and my keys and race for the door. It’s late, but I don’t care. The way he left me in the church, I’m terrified he might hurt himself.
“Where are you going?” Tully asks, confused. I feel bad about leaving her, but I have to go.
“I’m sorry, Tull. Stay here tonight, we can talk when I get back, okay? I’ve got to find Declan.”
I leave my apartment and race out to my car. As I get inside and turn the ignition, I call Declan. He answers on the first ring. and I’m so relieved.
“Thank God. I’m so glad you picked up,” I say, trying to catch my breath back from the two-minute run to my car. “Where are you? I need to speak to you.”
“I’m sorry for everything, Hannah. I love you. I should’ve said that before when you said you’d fallen in love with me, but I was scared.”
It’s not how I expected to hear those three little words. I should be happy, but the tone in his voice makes my heart stop. I panic, my stomach twisting into knots.
“Declan, please tell me where you are,” I say.
I put the phone on speaker and start driving in the direction of the church. After a few seconds of silence, I realise he’s hung up. Please, please no. I pull into the empty parking lot of the church. I was sure he’d still be here. I’m terrified, because I’m out of ideas. How am I going to find him? What if he doesn’t want to be found? I have to keep looking, but where else could he be?