Chapter Fifteen
Hannah
My plan fails when I walk back into the living room and find him sitting on the couch. He looks up and smiles. He’s wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday, so I’m guessing he hasn’t slept. I walk over and sit next to him, my heart racing.
“Should we talk about what happened?” I ask softly. I don’t even bother with the small talk, I just jump into the issue I know we are both thinking about.
“I don’t know, I much prefer supressing things and pretending they didn’t happen,” he retorts weakly.
“Does that really help?” I ask, even though I know he’s joking.
“It doesn’t hurt.”
“Declan, what’s going on?” The words rush out before I can stop them. “This whole thing with us is something I just can’t deal with right now. I get that it’s just as messed up for you, but I can’t think about you. I can’t be with the man who did this to my family. I can’t do that to them.”
“I know,” he whispers. His dark eyes burn through me, and I almost lose my resolve. “And I can’t let you.” Before I can respond, my phone rings. Sighing, I take it out from my pocket and glance at the number. It’s my mother’s nurse.
“I’m sorry, I have to take this,” I mutter. Standing up, I walk into the kitchen. Part of me is grateful for the interruption, because I don’t think either of us is in the right frame of mind to be talking about this, but the other side of me is nervous. Why is Carly calling me? It’s not that unusual for her to call me with an update, but my gut tells me something is wrong. I smile as Lily brushes past me, then turn my attention back to my phone.
“Thank God, Hannah. Can you get over here as quickly as you can? It’s your Mum.”
“What’s going on?” I ask. My heart races, wishing she’d tell me more.
“She had an overdose of some pills. The ambulance is on the way,” Carly says, sounding flustered.
Shit. Panic surges through me. I walk back through to the living room and grab my bag, tucking it under my arm. “Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can.” I hang up the phone, my hands shaking. I run my fingers through my hair, so many thoughts rushing through my mind.
I’ve been neglecting her, and when I neglect her, she does things like this for attention. I should’ve gone over sooner. I should’ve checked to make sure that she was okay.
“What’s wrong?” Declan asks. He stands up and takes my hand. I’m a fucking mess and it’s obvious to him that something is wrong.
“It’s my Mum,” I whisper. My hands tremble. I clasp them together, trying to stop the shaking. He takes me in his arms. “She had an overdose. I have to get over there.” I glance up at him, remembering I don’t have my car. “Can you drive me, please?”
“Of course, you don’t even need to ask me,” he replies, his eyes full of concern.
Lacing his fingers through mine, he leads me out to his car. I get in, buckling up. I’m numb. I can’t think. I don’t know what I’ll do if something happened to her. The whole drive there I’m silent. I can’t turn my mind off. I keep going over the worst-case scenarios in my head.
We pull up out the front of her house. The ambulance is in the driveway. I jump out and race over to where she’s been stretched out of the house. Her eyes are closed. She doesn’t look good. My heart pounds as I watch one of the ambulance officers open the back of the van, while the other one pushes the stretcher inside.
“Mum?” I whisper, looking for a sign that she’s all right. “Is she okay?” I ask, holding my breath.
“She’s going to be fine,” the first officer assures me. “We’re taking her to Northwestern Hospital. Are you able to meet us there?” he asks. I turn to Declan to make sure he’s okay with driving me. He nods.
“Yes,” I say. “You’re sure she’s going to be okay?”
“I want to recommend she have a psych assessment, but physically she’s going to be fine. We can talk more when we get there. Come through to emergency, okay?”
“Thank you so much,” I gasp. I’m so relieved.
Declan insists on waiting with me at the hospital, and to be honest I’m glad to have him there so I don’t have to go through this alone. I’ve tried calling Tully, but, as usual, it goes through to voicemail. I’m so angry that I can never get in touch with her when I need to. She’ll take forever to get back to me, and then she will sweep in for five minutes and be the daughter of the year while I stand in the background, taking care of everything.
After what feels like hours, the doctor comes out to see me. He calls out my name and I race over and meet him in the corridor, desperate for answers. I haven’t been able to even see her yet and nobody will tell me anything. How can I believe that she’s fine if they won’t let me see her? The guilt is eating away at me. How could I have not seen that it was this bad?
The first attempt at suicide was six months after dad died.
It was my thirteenth birthday, and my gift was finding her passed out on the shower floor. She was fine, but we spent all my birthday in emergency, with me switching between relief and anger. Hadn’t Tully and I been through enough without losing her too? I couldn’t understand how she could be so selfish. These days, I understand there is much more to it. She doesn’t consciously decide to kill herself, and I know that getting upset with her isn’t going to help.
“Can I see her?” I ask. He nods.
“Follow me and I will show you to her room.”
We walk down to her room. Declan waits outside while I go in alone. She’s sleeping, so I just sit down next to her bed and hold her hand. I have so much I want to say, but there’s no point. Even if she were awake, there would be no point. Nothing is going to change. This is the way things are, and I just need to deal with that. In a few days, things will go back to normal—our normal—until enough time passes where I’ve let my guard down enough not to expect it. That’s when it will happen again. I lean over and kiss her. God, I’m so tired. I’m so sick and tired of everything.
I sit there for hours, until Declan pokes his head in. My eyes wide, I glance at Mum, worried that she’s going to wake up and see him, but she’s still fast asleep.
“I’m going to leave you my car keys and catch a taxi home,” he murmurs softly. “Lily needs to get to work so I need to be home for the kids.”
“Actually,” I say, standing up. “Can you take me home?”
He studies me, his brow creasing. “Are you sure?”
I nod. Being so tired and upset isn’t helping at all. The best thing I can do is get a good night’s sleep and come back tomorrow. I’m in no condition to be here when she wakes up. The last thing I want to do is add to her problems. After a decent sleep and a hot shower, I’ll be able to put on my usual face and pretend everything is fine.
Declan pulls up out in front of my place and puts the car in park. He turns to me, concerned. “You sure you’re okay? I hate leaving you like this. Maybe you should come back and stay at Lily’s.”
“Don’t worry, I’m fine.” I face him and smile, his concern is touching. “Thanks so much for being there for me today. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“I’m glad I could be there,” he murmurs. His hand brushes past mine. I stare down at it, not sure if it was intentional or accidental. I look up at him and realise he’s thinking the same thing. I swallow. All I can think about is kissing him.
His hand still touches mine and he’s not moving it away. I tug his finger, looping mine around it. He’s so warm. I’m craving his touch. Even as I’m doing it, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t control myself and he’s not stopping me. I inch closer to him, lifting my mouth up to meet his. My eyes close as our lips meet. His lips press against mine as his hands stroke my hair. I gasp, his taste incredible. I need to stop, but I can’t.
Somehow, I summon the strength to pull away. My heart beats fast as I try and catch my breath. He stares at me, his expression confused, then angry and finally resting on upset. He has no idea what just happened, and neither do I.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble. I get out of the car, the only thing on my mind is getting away from him. Not because I want to, but because I don’t trust myself to stay and talk this out.
I practically run from his car, and don’t stop until I’m safely inside my apartment, with the door closed and bolted shut. I walk over to the window and stare outside. My heart sinks when I see that his car is gone. My disappointment confuses me and I don’t know what to think. Did I want him to follow me upstairs, take me in his arms, and declare his love for me? Like that would change anything?
Exhausted, I have a shower and then fall into bed. I leave my phone on loud, just in case Tully decides to get her act together and call me back. As I burrow under the covers, I feel sick. I’m so completely over everything. I can’t think straight. I’ve lost sight of what I want and that’s a scary feeling. I feel like I’m trapped in a life that I never wanted, and I have no idea how to fix it.
I feel marginally better when I wake up the next morning, but my mood sours when I see that Tully still hasn’t called me back. I have a handful of messages from Mum, telling me how sorry she is about what happened, and how it will never happen again. The thing is, I’ve believed that too many times to fall for it again.
As much as I want to roll over and go back to sleep, I force myself out of bed and get dressed. I head to the hospital to see Mum and decide to stop in and see Tully on the way. Her apartment is less than five minutes from my own, which is hilarious considering how little we see of each other.
I march up the stairs to her second level flat and knock on the door. It’s barely nine Sunday morning, but I don’t give a shit. I’m angry, and she’s about to hear about it. She opens the door and stares at me, bleary-eyed and confused. She wears an oversized tee shirt that barely covers her arse, her long blonde hair softly tousled around her shoulders.
“What the hell, Hannah? It’s eight in the fricking morning,” she whines. She glances back inside, distracted.
“Nine,” I retort. “Are you going to let me in?” She opens the door and I walk in. From the way she keeps glancing back at her room, I’m guessing she has a guy in there. Good. I’m glad I’m interrupting her fun.
“So, what’s up?” she asks. “I’m assuming there’s a reason you’re here?” She tightens the tie around her robe and frowns at me. “Work getting you down?”
Watching her trying to act like she’s not hurrying me is pretty hilarious, and I almost forget why I’m there. Then I remember how I spent all of yesterday in the hospital with our mother because she was too busy fucking some guy to answer my damn calls.
“Works fine,” I mutter. “I’m in the middle of a stressful case.”
“Isn’t that the story of your life?” she jokes. “I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure work shouldn’t be that stressful.”
“Do you even know what work is?” I taunt, my voice just as light as hers.
She doesn’t know the meaning of the word. She goes from one university course to the next without so much as even thinking about a job. She literally just finished a science degree and jumped straight into visual arts course. I’m all for learning new skills, but you couldn’t get two more unrelated fields if you tried.
“You know I’m studying, Hannah,” she snaps. “Why are you always on my back about that?”
“Says the girl who never shuts up about my job,” I laugh. “All I’m saying is maybe you should start thinking about what you actually want to do with your life.”
“Who are you, my mother? I’ve already got one of them, remember?”
“Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing,” I retort. Tully narrows her eyes at me.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she asks, her mouth dropping open.
“You’re never there, Tull.” My eyes plead with her. I’m not even angry anymore; I just want her to start acting like she’s part of the family. I’m so sick of carrying everything on my shoulders. I can’t do it anymore. “You had no idea that she overdosed yesterday and wound up in hospital, did you? Did you even check any of the fifty messages I sent you?”
“No,” she whispered. “Is she okay?” she asks. Her eyes are full of guilt, and I’m glad. It’s about time she grew up and took some responsibility.
“She’s fine. Carly was there, so she got help quickly.”
“Carly is back?”
I laugh. “See? You didn’t even know that. Carly has been back for weeks, Tull. I needed help and you obviously weren’t going to give it to me,” I sigh. I shake my head, not sure why I bothered even coming here. “I don’t have time for this. I just thought you should know she’s in Northwestern if you want to see her. Or not. Whatever.”
I stalk out before she can reply, holding back my tears. I didn’t mean to get so angry at her, and it’s not fair, because some of the anger is misplaced. I took shit out on Tully because I feel guilty about Declan.
I get into my car and shove the key into the ignition. My hands are trembling. I laugh and rub my forehead. This is ridiculous. My life is a joke. It’s one thing after another, and I’m not sure how much more I can take.
I’m falling apart.