Chapter Seven
Declan
“Hannah, wait.”
She pushes me away and stalks down the steps to the driveway. She stops when she has the realization that she came here in my car. She turns back, her eyes dark. She’s so angry, and I don’t blame her. I know how this looks, but I had no idea who she was until ten minutes ago. I’m as shocked as she is. I didn’t even know if she was still in Melbourne. But then, why would I? It’s not like we kept in contact after what happened. We weren’t exactly close before it happened.
“Take me back now,” she growls.
“Please, hear me out,” I beg her.
“Hear you out?” She laughs bitterly. “Why would I want to do that? Nothing you can say is going to change what I’m thinking right now, so just don’t bother.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Take me back, now please.”
I stare at her for a moment, defeated. She’s right. Nothing I can say is going to make any difference. She’s not ready to hear me out. I curse under my breath and follow her over to my car. I get in and slam the door shut.
A lot can happen in fourteen years. I know that better than anyone. Back then, my life was a mess. I was sixteen, crazy, and I thought nothing could touch me. I was desperate for my parents’ attention and would do anything to get it. I spent most nights out with my friends. Drinking, taking drugs … whatever I needed to do to make them notice me. But not even that did it. When I met Cecily, something in me changed. I stopped caring about everything else. I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t, because I so desperately wanted to be her guy.
Her parents hated me from the start. I don’t blame them. I had a reputation that would make any parent nervous. If my daughter was dating sixteen-year-old me, I’d hate me too. They warned her to stop seeing me, and she did—as far as they knew. Every night, after they thought she was asleep, she would sneak out and meet me. We were great together. Perfect. Unbreakable. Or so I thought. One night changed everything. One night I would regret for the rest of my life. One moment, where I ruined the only good thing in my life.
Sighing, I start the car in reverse out of my driveway. My heart pounds with adrenaline as I glance over at Hannah. I can’t believe it’s her, or that she’s really sitting in my car. She looks so different to the shy little girl I remember.
“Hannah, please will you let me explain?”
I’m practically begging her, even though I know it’s pointless. But I can’t give up. I need to make her see I’ve changed, because everything hinges on her helping me. Maybe that’s selfish, but all I can think about is doing right by Anna.
“Explain what?” she says, laughing harshly. “What can you possibly say to me? We have nothing to say to each other. You did what you did and you’ve moved on. That’s fine, but I’ll never move on. Not after what you did to my sister. To my family.”
I don’t answer, because what can I say to that? What could I possibly say that will fix all the hurt I’ve caused? Nothing. I want her to know I’ve changed, but have I? Am I really a different person to who I was back then? I learned a long time ago that there were consequences for my actions. It took me a long time to forgive myself for what I did, and even then, I never truly forgave myself. I just found a way to live with what I did.
We arrive back at the church. I shut off the car and turn to face her.
“What happens to Anna now?” I ask quietly. She glares at me her expression incredulous, like she can’t believe I have the nerve to ask that. My hands clench into fists as she throws back her head and laughs.
“You really think I’m going to leave a defenceless little girl with you? After what you did to my sister?” She glares at me, her eyes wild. “Am I fucking insane, Declan? Is that what you think?”
“Hannah, think about what you’re doing.” I try to keep the frustration out of my voice, but it’s hard when she’s being so difficult. “What else are you going to do with her? Anna will only talk to me; placing her with a new carer, no matter how wonderful they are, is going to set back her recovery immensely. You know that. Can you put aside us, just for a moment, and do what’s best for her?”
“How dare you suggest that I don’t have her best interests at heart. You’re a rapist, Declan. Can you imagine if I left her with you and that got out? The media would have a fucking field day, not to mention my boss. Does the church even know, or did you lie to them too?”
“Of course they know,” I reply, my voice still. It hurts that she thinks I would try and hide that from them. Does she think this is all a joke for me? “They also know that I’ve changed. I’m a different man than I was when I was sixteen, for Christ’s sake.”
“You, of all people, should not be taking the Lord’s name in vain,” she growls, her blue eyes flush with anger. I shake my head, no idea how I’m going to get through to her. “Hannah, please.” I beg for the last time. I take a deep breath and speak calmly. “I’m the only person she trusts. You can’t take that away from her.”
“Declan.” She rubs her temples and sighs. My heart leaps, because for a second, I think I’ve gotten through to her. “Even if I wanted to listen to what you’re saying, I’m not even sure I can leave her with you. You’ve got a record. You were in jail. I can’t ignore that, and you can’t ask me to. Don’t play my guilt for what happened to that little girl against me, because that’s not fair and you know it.”
I stare down at my hands not saying a word, because I don’t know what to say. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of what I did, and more than anything I wish I could go back to that night and fix it, but I can’t. I have to live with what I did and the aftermath.
I remember the night like it was yesterday. It was Nash’s party, so naturally I was drunk, and probably high. I’d asked Cecily to meet me. She didn’t want to. She hated parties and wanted to spend time alone with me, but I insisted. Eventually I convinced her to come, promising that we’d only stay for a little while.
I don’t remember much after that to be honest. I remember her arriving, and I remember both of us drank a lot. I passed out in Nash’s spare room. When I woke up, she was gone. I didn’t doubt her accusations were true for even a second. I loved her, and if she said I hurt her, then I believed her. I wanted to plead guilty from the moment I was charged to save her going through a trial, but my parents insisted on fighting. I didn’t want to fight, but I didn’t have a choice. When my father does anything, the whole world hears about it. When the son of one of the most respected actors in Hollywood is charged with rape, the media goes crazy.
“Look,” she finally mumbles. She shakes her head, her dark locks swaying in the wind. “I need to think about this. I know I have to think fast because Anna needs some stability in her life as soon as possible, but I need to think this through. Without you around.”
“Fine. I get it.” She’s at least considering it, and I’ll take that as a win. “Take all the time you need.”
I bow my head and wait for her to get out. She mutters a goodbye and stalks over to her car. I glance her way out of the corner of my eye. Her hand thrashes against the steering wheel, sending a chill through my body. She’s so angry and upset. I’m in shock that this is happening. As bad as this is for her, I never thought I would have to face anyone in that family again.
I think for a moment, determined to come up with a solution that she can live with, because I know the conclusion she’s going to come to won’t be in my favour. I know I’m welcome at my sister, Lily’s place, especially with Dan away until January. I could always stay there; that way, on paper, Lily would be her carer. It’s bending the truth, but if it keeps Anna with me, then I will do whatever I have to. I’ve let her down too many times already not to fight for her on this.
Still in my car, I call Lily.
“What’s wrong?” she asks me nervously. “You sound weird.”
“Nothing,” I sigh, rubbing my forehead. “Just work. Listen, I have a huge favour to ask you. Can I come and stay with you for a few weeks?”
“Sure,” she replies, confused. “You’re welcome any time. You know that. Any particular reason?”
“Yeah, kind of,” I say, closing my eyes. I explain the details of the case and about Anna, leaving out all the details about Hannah for now. I’m still trying to get my head around it myself.
“I don’t know, Dec,” she says, hesitating. “I have so much going on with work, and Henry is acting up a lot at the moment with his dad away. I’m just not sure about having another child here, especially one that has been through so much.”
“Please,” I urge her. “Do this for me. She’s a good kid, and as you said, she’s been through a lot. I’ll be there to help. Having me around will probably be good for Henry too.”
I hesitate, wondering if I should just tell her about Hannah. I know she’s going to need more before she agrees to this. We don’t talk about the past very much because it’s so unpleasant. Lily had to grow up fast because of all the shit I pulled, and I feel bad about that.
Her relationship with our parents is only marginally better than mine. She speaks to them once a month, but only out of obligation, whereas I have no contact at all. Growing up, Dad was never around because he was always on set, and Mum was too busy trying to impress her friends to actually be any kind of parent. We had everything we could ever want, except our parents’ love. With no boundaries to speak of, I acted out, seeing how far I could push things before they noticed. I spent money like it was nothing, and everyone wanted to be my friend. Guys wanted to be me, and all the girls wanted to have me.
The arrest was the first time my parents had paid any attention to me in years. In a weird way, it felt good to have them notice me. Even if it was for all the wrong reasons.
“I met with the caseworker for Anna today.” I run my hands through my hair, anxiety pooling in my stomach. “It’s Hannah Masters.”
Lily gasps. “As in Cecily Masters?”
“Yeah.” I sigh, leaning my head on the back of the seat. “She was less than happy to see me.”
“Holy shit, Dec. That’s crazy,” she breathes. “What did you say? What did she say?”
“Once she realised it was me, she didn’t say a whole lot that I can repeat. And what could I say? I just begged her to give me a chance and let me help Anna.”
“This little girl really means that much to you?”
“Lil, Anna is the whole reason I’m doing what I’m doing. If I can’t help her, then what’s the point of any of this?” My heart races. I hate not telling her the whole truth, but I can’t face it. Not yet. She would be so disappointed in me if she knew.
“About that—”
“Please Lily, not now.” My voice is harsher than I intend, but I’m sick of hearing this from her. “We can talk about that another time. Will you help me or not, because if not, I need to figure something else out.”
“Of course I’ll help you, Dec.” She speaks softly, a fondness in her voice that I’m used to hearing. “Don’t I always?”
I call Hannah. She doesn’t answer, but I figure she’s probably still driving back. Then again, she probably wouldn’t answer my call even if she could. I leave a message, asking her to call me back.
Going back inside, I check on Anna. She’s still sleeping. I stand in the hall and watch. Anthony walks past me and pats me on the shoulder. I mouth a thank you to him, then turn my attention back to Anna. My heart aches. All this time and I didn’t know. How could I have not known? All the shit she’s had to go through because I wasn’t there for her.
It’s like my life is one continuous fuck-up after another. I’ve let so many people down and I hate myself for it. The look in Hannah’s eyes when she realized who I was … I shake my head. God, it broke me. I’ve worked so hard to give back after what I had done, but the people I’ve hurt are never going to be able to move on. They’re never going to be able to forgive me. None of that is important right now. The only thing that matters is Anna.
She’s what’s important right now, nothing else.