Chapter Eighteen
Declan
She’s asleep on the bed next to me, and all I can do is stare at her, hating myself for who I am. How have I done this to her again? When I walked back into her life and she agreed to help me, I swore to myself that I would never let myself hurt her. I refused to fall in love with her and I refused to let her fall in love with me. But somehow, it’s happened, and now I’m powerless to stop those feelings. I knew this would happen. I could see this coming from a mile away, and I did nothing to stop it. I disgust myself.
I can’t be around her right now. I unwrap her arm from around my neck. She stirs, but rolls over, settling back into the mattress. I ease myself off the bed and frown. I’ve not only let her down, I’ve let myself down. All my vows, all those promises to God, I’ve broken. Just like everything else in my life. I sneak out of the bedroom, easing the door closed on the way out. I check in on Anna on my way past her room. She’s sound asleep.
I walk down to the living room and pour myself a drink. It’s something I don’t do very often, but tonight I feel like I need it. The recovering alcoholic in me knows how easy it would be to fall back into that same trap. But I won’t let that happen. I’ve ruined my life so many times. I won’t do it again. One sip and I stop myself, ashamed of how I’m handling this. I grab my keys and go outside to my car, determined to clear my head.
After driving around for what feels like hours, I end up here. It’s late. After midnight, and the stillness of the night is almost peaceful. I stare up at the pitched roof of the church, barely able to breathe. The guilt is unbearable. I don’t even feel like I deserve to be here, but I have nowhere else I can go.
With my heart pounding loudly in my chest, I turn the lock and push through the heavy doors. My stomach churns. I can’t believe it. How can I not be around without doing something stupid? It’s like I’m going out of my way to ruin everything that is good in my life.
I stalk up the aisle, past the rows of seats, until I reach the front. I sit down on the edge of the stage bowing my head. The silence I used to find so calming now just hangs in the air, accusing me. My hands are clenched into fists in front of me. I’m trying desperately to control the pain that is surging through me, but it’s impossible. I want to scream. I want to pick things up and throw them at the wall, anything to release the pressure I feel inside me.
I just can’t win. I thought I could do this. But like everything else in my life, I’ve failed. That’s all I am, a big fucking letdown. It’s the only thing I can be counted on doing. Fucking everything up. He’s the one person that’s been there for me no matter what, and all He asked for in return was that I believe in Him. I mean, how hard is it to control my feelings? So what if I felt something for her? Why did I need to act on it? I’ve disappointed myself and the church. I don’t deserve to serve God.
Standing up, I walk over to the confessional and slide open the door. I sit down in the place I feel closest to God and close my eyes. In here, I find the silence comforting, because it’s just Him and me. Even after everything, I know He’s not judging me, and if I ask, He will forgive me. But the problem is I’m not sure I can forgive myself, especially when I don’t trust myself not to give in to her again.
Defeated, I slump forward, resting my head in my hands. I could confess my sins right here and have a clean slate, but that would only last until the next time I saw her. One look at those beautiful lips, and the way her eyes sparkle when she smiles, and I’d be gone.
I don’t even hear the door slide open on the other side of the box. It’s only when she clears her voice that I realize it’s her. My throat tightens. This is hard enough already. In her presence, it’s damn impossible to ignore what I’m feeling.
“I thought I’d find you here.” Her soft voice floats through the thin wall. Her sweet scent surrounds me, and I’ve no chance to resist.
“What are you doing here?” I whisper.
“I was worried about you. I heard you leave and …” She hesitates. “I had to make sure you were okay.”
“Why do you care, Hannah? After everything I did to you, why do you care?” She doesn’t reply. I bow my head again praying that she will leave me alone.
The sound of her door sliding open brings nothing but relief, but it’s short-lived when mine opens. I tense as she stands there, her blue eyes full of concern. She steps inside, closing the door behind her, engulfing us both in darkness.
“What are you doing?” My voice is hoarse. I can barely control myself with her so close. I feel her hand on mine and gasp, my body reacting to her touch in ways I don’t want it to, in ways it shouldn’t.
“I’m doing what I know you want too,” she whispers. She’s so close that I can feel her warm breath rush past my lips. I groan in the darkness, wanting so badly to push her away, but I don’t. I can’t. She’s the last thing I should want but she’s everything I need, and in this moment, it’s her and me, and nobody else.
I growl as my hands caress her face, bringing her lips up to mine. I kiss her with a passion and urgency I’ve never felt before. My fingers find their way underneath her shirt, exploring her soft skin. She climbs into my lap, wrapping her legs around me. Her mouth presses against mine as I unclasp her bra, my erection growing harder by the second.
I can’t stop. God, I can’t even think straight. My only focus is her. She fumbles with the buttons on my shirt, sliding it from my body. Her fingers roam my chest, her touch everything. We kiss again, our lips moulding together as one. She tastes amazing. Everything about her leaves me wanting more.
“I need you inside of me,” she gasps. Her fingers slide to the buckle of my pants as she fumbles to undo them. She lowers the zipper and reaches inside, her fingers curling around my erection. I gasp, her touch electric as her fingers glide over my length. My hands grasp the back of her head as I kiss her again, this time deeper and harder.
In the back of my mind, I’m cursing myself for what we’re doing, but stopping doesn’t feel possible. It’s like I’m outside of my body, watching this unfold and I can’t do anything about it. I’m so lost. My head is a mess of thoughts and accusations. I want her so much, but having her casts doubt over my whole existence. How can I justify what I’ve done if I go through with this?
Just as I summon the courage to put a stop to this, she slides off my lap and gets down on her knees, her fingers still holding my cock. My back arches as she takes me into her mouth, her lips sliding over my length. I release a low growl, and lose all control. I can feel any chance I had of putting a stop to this, slipping away by the second.
She gasps, climbing back into my lap, her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. She lifts herself onto me, and I groan as I slide into her wetness. I kiss her lips, my body shaking as I push myself deeper inside her. Her head rests against mine, as my mouth touches her neck while she rides me.
“I’ve wanted this for so long,” she whispers.
My hands grasp her waist as I thrust deeper inside her. I shut my mind off and focus on her body, because I know the second I think about what I’m doing this moment will be gone. As much as I hate to admit it, I want this more than I want anything else. The desire to experience everything about her is too strong to resist. I know I’ll hate myself after this is over, but I can’t think about that right now.
She gasps as I lift her higher onto my lap. I nudge her legs farther apart, my hands finding her breasts. I cup them, rolling her nipples against my thumb, loving the feel of them as they harden against my touch. She’s incredible, and being with her is incredible. I’m moments away from releasing and doing everything I can to hold on to this feeling for just a few seconds longer.
With a final push I gasp, my hands cup her face as I come inside her. I kiss her lips as she contracts around me, milking everything from me. My body convulses, as she softly rocks her hips against me. I bury my face in her neck, kissing her beautiful, soft skin.
She slips off my lap, and I stand up, not saying a word. I’m so glad she can’t see me in the dark, because all she would see is the shame and disappointment I feel for myself. I hear her softly panting as I focus on buttoning up my shirt, the tiny buttons giving me grief as I struggle to thread them into their holes.
“For fuck’s sake,” I curse, my anger getting the better of me. My heart races. I run my hands through my hair begging myself to pull my shit together. She stands up and tries to take my hand, but I pull away.
“Are you okay,” she asks. Her voice is panic stricken. She’s knows as well as I do that we’ve crossed a line that we can’t uncross.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble. “I can’t be here with you right now.”
I yank the door open and stalk outside, my eyes stinging as the light rushes into them. I’m at a loss where to go. This was the only place I could go to be alone and feel close to God, and she’s taken that from me.
“Declan, wait,” she says.
I spin around, suddenly angry at her. I know it’s misplaced, but I can’t stop the words from spilling out of my mouth. “Why?” I growl. “Why did you come here? Are you trying to mess with me, Hannah? Is this your way of paying me back for what I did to you? I took the person you loved most in the world, so now you’re taking mine?”
Hurt fills her eyes. “I can’t believe you would even suggest that,” she whispers, blinking back tears. “You think this is easy for me? I get it, Dec. You feel like you’re betraying God, but you’re not the only one struggling with this. And for you to even suggest that this is some kind of game for me …” She shakes her head. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here, but I wasn’t alone in what happened in there.” She points back to the confessional. “You were part of that. You wanted this is much as I did.”
She storms out. I stand there, her words sinking in. She’s right. I don’t have any right being angry at her. It’s not her fault that I couldn’t control myself. None of this is her fault. She has been nothing short of amazing since this began. In the back of my mind, I know I’ve not only ruined any chance of us being able to move past what happened fourteen years ago, but I also might have lost the only chance I had of being a father to my daughter.