Track 14: Can’t Let Go
Gabe
I lied to Kate last night. I lied to her and to myself and now I’ll pay the price for it, because the truth is, I wasn’t okay with just one night with her.
And I hate that I have to leave today. Taking a week off work was already a stretch, but going back to my normal life after this is going to be worse than that time I broke my foot in three places.
At least that came with painkillers.
Waking up with Kate in my arms is one of the best feelings. It brings me back to all those nights I held Sophia until she fell asleep.
Toward the end as Sophia got sicker, she’d feel so cold and weak, my body heat was the only thing that’d help warm her up. I hated having to leave her at the end of the day, even knowing she’d be taken care of, but all the strength in the world couldn’t fix how I felt the day she took her last breath.
And in these past ten months, I’ve shut every possible emotional avenue down, except anger. Anger fed the numbness, which fed the need to work 24/7 and push everyone out.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. The darkness took over, and I lost any form of light in my life. I knew Trace understood my pain, but I wanted to be strong for him and be here during his wedding. I’d be a shitty friend if I put my sadness over his happiness. So I took the week off work and dragged my ass here.
And then I met Kate, making it the best decision of my life to come here. For the first time in months, I feel something. She’s breathed light back into my soul, and I don’t know how I’m going to let her go.
I slip my arm out from under her and softly kiss the top of her head. I want to spend as much time with her as I can, so I don’t think twice about getting up before eight in the morning to make her breakfast and prolonging my drive back home as long as I can.
As I’m scrambling the eggs, I hear footsteps upstairs and soon after, the sounds of the shower being turned on. I leave the eggs scrambled in the bowl and head back upstairs.
As soon as I enter the bathroom, I hear her humming and singing to herself. Her clothes are piled on the floor and soon mine are joined next to hers.
I pull the curtain back and before I can step inside, she shrieks, turns and squirts a bottle of body wash in my face.
“Oh, shit,” I curse, taking a step back.
“Oh my God!” She grabs ahold of my arm and pulls me in. “You scared the shit out of me. Here, rinse your face off.” She pushes me toward the stream of water and once the soap rinses off, I hear her giggling behind me.
“You think this is funny?”
“A little.”
I turn around and see the wide, giddy smile on her face. “You did that on purpose.”
“I did not!” she defends, laughing at my forced glare.
“That was you getting even with me, wasn’t it?”
She laughs, her top lip curling up in a seductive grin. “Well if I was, you would’ve deserved it.”
“Is that so?” I challenge, pressing her body against the wall of the shower. “Guess that means I get a rebuttal.”
“I’d like to see you try,” she challenges right back.
Before she can stop me, I grab her hands in both of mine and wrap my fingers around her wrist. I kneel down in between her legs and slide my tongue up her slit. She shakes her hips, trying to distract me, but it won’t work.
I pin her hands to the wall on each side of her as I continue tasting her. She moans and curses at me to let her touch me, but I silence her whines as I twirl my tongue around her clit. Now she’s nearly screaming, grinding her body against my mouth, and begging for more.
I don’t let her go until I taste her release on my tongue. I don’t want my time with her to end. Just the thought of it makes me want to call into work and stay the extra week with her.
I stand up and cover her mouth with mine, letting her taste the both of us.
“So fucking sweet, Kate,” I growl against her lips. “I don’t want to leave.”
Her eyes close as she takes in a deep breath. “You have to,” she whispers. “You have a life to get back to.”
“A life without feeling like this isn’t a life worth living,” I admit. “I can’t explain my feelings for you, Kate. They came without any warning. I’ve closed the doors to feeling anything for anyone a long time ago, but with you—you somehow opened them back up, and I don’t want to go back to what it was like before you.”
The words spew out of me before I can stop myself, but I needed to say them. I know it’s not what she wanted, but I can’t leave without telling her how I feel first.
“I’m sorry, Gabe…” She licks her lips and looks back up at me, the water turning cooler, but neither of us attempting to move out of the stream. “I can’t tell you how happy I am that I met you this week. Meeting you, fighting with you, being near you, has changed everything for me, but I set the rules for a reason. My life is complicated. I can’t promise you a future. I can hardly promise you a tomorrow.”
I shake my head, trying to understand her words. “What does that mean, Kate? I understand having a past. I understand feeling the pain and heartbreak, but I’m here. You’re here. Why can’t we at least try?”
She bows her head in silence and when her body begins to shiver, I turn the water off and pull her out of the shower with me. Tears are streaming down her cheeks, and I hate that I’ve pushed her to this point, but I want her to feel comfortable opening up to me.
I wrap a towel around her and walk us back to my room. I pull back the covers and motion for her to get in. I lay next to her, holding her, and letting the silence between us grow longer and longer.
“Kate…” I whisper.
“Yes?”
“Will you open up to me? Please?” I tilt her chin up toward me, needing to see her face. “You can tell me anything.”
She swallows, her eyes fixed on mine, but the words I want to hear never escape her mouth. “I’m sorry.” She shakes her head and purses her lips. “I can’t.”
I exhale out of frustration and hold her tighter. I don’t want to let her go…ever.
After we warm up, we get dressed and head down for breakfast. We keep the conversation light. Neither of us wanting to ruin the last moments we have together. Counting down to the last few hours I still have left, I suggest taking a walk together.
“Umm…” she hesitates, twirling her hair in between her fingers.
I raise a brow at her. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to hold you hostage in my trunk or anything.”
She chuckles. “Well, that makes me feel a lot better.”
“It should. There’s no way you’d fit in my trunk…in one piece anyway.” I wink, making her giggle once more. “Your eyes light up every time you laugh, did you know that?” I tuck a strand of hair back around her ear. “I love it.”
She smiles and looks down, almost as if she’s trying to hide the blush that’s crept up her neck. “Now go put some shoes on.” I bring my arms around her and playfully smack her ass.
Kate
As I tie the laces to my old running shoes, a shooting pain jolts up my leg, and I grip the end of the mattress tightly until it stops. The pain has been pretty manageable up until this point, but with the way Gabe’s been stretching and devouring my body, it’s been agitating my leg more than usual. But without making him suspicious, I can’t tell him I don’t want to go. He’ll ask me why, and I’ll have to make up some excuse, which probably won’t be very believable and he’ll know I’m lying.
And it’s his last day here, so I only have to get through the next few hours before I can crawl into a ball of self-loathing.
That sounds pathetic, I know. But letting Gabe leave is going to be harder than I’m allowing myself to think about right now. If I don’t think about it, I can pretend it’s not a big deal and not completely lose it.
“Ready?” He pops his head in my room with an eager smile.
I finish tying the last shoe and stand up. “Yup.” I let him grab my hand and lead us downstairs and out the door.
It’s a chilly fall day, even for Hingham, but it feels amazing. I’ve been having hot flashes and night chills off and on for the last couple of weeks. But for the past week, I’ve had a nice distraction from thinking about the pain and side effects.
We start walking toward the lake, the wind blowing up the leaves and causing waves to crash against the docks.
“It’s so beautiful out here.”
“It is. So different from Boston, even though it’s not that far away.”
“I’ve been in New York for so long now that I almost forgot what life outside of the city smelled like.”
We walk hand in hand along the water and under the trees, as the leaves crunch under our feet. It’s the perfect cliché of a gorgeous fall day.
Twenty minutes into our walk, my leg is in almost unbearable pain. I have to stop walking and rest a moment, but I don’t want him to question it.
“Sorry,” I apologize as I squeeze my thigh. “I think I pulled a muscle last night.”
“We can head back if you want?” His voice and facial expressions are filled with concern, which worries me even more. If something as normal as cramps have him this worried, I most definitely can’t tell him the truth.
“Yeah,” I say as he takes my hand and pulls me back up. “Nothing Tylenol and a warm bath can’t help,” I reassure, putting a small smile back on his face.
When we return back to the house, I see I have a voicemail from Natalee. Hearing her voice makes me smile, especially the part at the end where she says, “I hope you two are having fun…together…alone…if you know what I mean!” She then giggles and I hear Trace in the background saying, “The entire airport knows what you mean!”
I laugh as I save her message in my phone. They stayed at a local bed and breakfast last night and then were heading to the airport. They must’ve been on their layover, so I text out a response back.
“Everything all right?” Gabe asks from behind me, handing me two white pills.
I take them and thank him with an easy smile. “Yes, just Nat enjoying the first class wine a bit too much.”
“So how much do you want to bet she comes back pregnant?”
“Not that we’d be able to tell that early, but I’d guess within the first six months. Definitely.”
“Six months, hmm? Care to make a wager?”
We sit on the couch and face each other. “A wager?”
“I say they have a honeymoon baby,” he says matter-of-factly.
I eye him curiously, wondering where this all came from. “What do you know that I don’t know?”
“Nothing.” He smiles. “Now are you in or not?”
“No way. I don’t trust you not to cheat.”
“Chicken.” The corners of his lips perk up, giving me that easy smile of his. “Why don’t you go take a hot bath, and I’ll be in my bed, warming it up for when you’re done?”
I smile and nod in return.
He leads me upstairs and to my room, reminding me to come in by him once I’ve finished. I undress and start running the water when my heart begins to race, thumping hard in my chest at how too real this is all feeling.
I wait until the tub is nearly full before turning it off. I quietly lock the bathroom door on his side and tiptoe out the other door that leads to my room. I thought I could do this. I thought I could say goodbye to him and be okay, but every time he looks at me, kisses me, or says one of his sweet one-liners, the guilt eats me up inside.
I can’t do this.
I get dressed and start throwing clothes in my bag. I know I’m supposed to stay here this week, but the panic that’s bubbling over inside me right now doesn’t care. I need out of here before I drown in despair.
I slowly open the door and tiptoe down the hallway and all the way down the stairs. I exhale a sigh of relief when I close the front door behind me and step out onto the patio. I left all my bathroom stuff inside, as well as my other suitcase, but it doesn’t matter anymore. The tightness in my chest won’t let up until I’m out of here.
I throw my bag in the backseat of my car and quietly shut it before opening the driver’s side door. Before I can slip inside, a hand slams it shut from behind me.
Fuck. My chest pounds at the way Gabe’s body presses against mine.
“What the hell are you doing?” he growls. I can feel his body shaking with anger.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I can’t do this.”
“Look at me, Kate,” he demands.
I do as he says and turn around, his eyes burning into mine.
“So that’s just it? You’re leaving without so much as a goodbye? Am I not worth at least that much?” The pain in his eyes matches his tone. “I can give you time, Kate, if that’s what you need. But don’t just leave.”
Time for what?
“Gabe, listen…”
“Don’t you fucking dare,” he bites out. “Don’t you give me some lame-ass excuse to brush me off,” he snaps. He cages me in, forcing me to lean against my car so I can’t walk off. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t do goodbyes, Gabe,” I say loudly. “You and I can’t happen, okay? I’ve told you this! It’s just easier this way.”
“For who, Kate? Who’s this easier for?”
“Trust me,” I barely managed out. “This is easier for you.”
I slide out of his grasp and manage to open the door. He leans over the car frame, blocking me from closing the door.
“Kate, please,” he pleads. “Don’t do this.” The look on his face is killing me. I hate myself for doing this to him, but it wasn’t supposed to end this way. He wasn’t supposed to get attached.
And neither was I.
He leans in and cups my face, pressing his lips to mine. I don’t fight it; rather I give him this one last kiss.
“You can’t tell me you don’t feel something, Kate,” he whispers. “Please don’t leave like this.” He presses our foreheads together as I squeeze my eyes shut. “I don’t know how it’s possible, but I’m falling for you. I know it’s only been eight days, but I can feel it.”
I curse myself for looking up at him. I can’t fight back the tears. They come in full force, streaming down my flushed cheeks.
“I can’t,” I say firmly against his mouth. “Please, just let me go. Forget you ever met me. It’s easier this way.”
He releases my body and pushes himself back up, standing over me. I can tell he isn’t going to let me go without a fight.
“Why? Just tell me why, Kate?” he hisses. “God, Kate. Just tell me the truth. No more bullshitting. Don’t worry about hurting my fucking feelings, but at least be honest with yourself. You can’t deny the fact that you feel something for me.”
Before I’m able to respond, thunder rattles above us as the wind picks up. Great. I hate driving in the rain.
“Answer me!” he demands, snapping my attention back to him.
My throat goes dry as I wipe away the tears. I decide to step out of the car, standing in front of him as I shut the car door behind me. “Yes, I obviously like you, Gabe. I like you too much, that’s the problem. It’s exactly why this can’t work out, don’t you understand? I’m not good for you!” I scream louder than I meant to, but between the rain hitting the top of my car and the blowing wind, the noise outside is too loud. “Trust me, you deserve better.”
He leans in. “Don’t you think I should decide that? If you’re good enough for me?”
I shake my head, lowering my eyes.
“I’m an adult, Kate. I can make my own damn decisions. And right now, I’m not letting you go that easy. You understand? I want you…I want this!”
I close my eyes, fiercely shaking my head.
“I’ll do anything,” he whispers. “Please.”
I tilt my head up to his and brush away the tears, but it does nothing to clear my vision. They just keep coming. “Trust me, Gabe. I do want you. I wish I could have you. But I--I can’t give you that. I can’t give you me, or a relationship, or any kind of future.” His eyes don’t move off my mine. “I won’t be around for that.”
He takes a step back, bowing his head down as he continues to shake it back and forth in disbelief. I’m not sure he understands what I’m saying. I know I need to just tell him.
“I’d be a bad girlfriend,” I start to explain. “I can’t be the girlfriend you deserve. I can’t have a typical relationship. I’ll be around long enough to make you fall in love with me…and then I’ll be gone. Don’t you see?”
He looks up at me, his brows furrowing as he stares intently at me. “Are you sick?” The look in his eyes tells me he already knows the answer to that.
I nod, looking him in the eyes.
“Please tell me this isn’t you getting even with me or some bullshit, because that’d—” He starts to wave his hand in the air before I cut him off.
“It’s not.”
He stays silent a moment, looking over me. “What is it?”
“Bone cancer.”
I exhale slowly, the words burning their way out of my mouth. I’ve never said it out loud before.
“How bad?”
“Stage three.”
I suck in my lower lip, trying to keep it together, but the more I tell him, the more it hurts.
“You’re not getting treatment,” he says as a statement.
“No. It spread too far by the time I was diagnosed.” I close my eyes, the rain picking up and drenching me completely.
“Jesus Christ, Kate!” he hisses, pacing back and forth. “How could you not tell me? How could you just leave without saying a damn thing about it?”
“I haven’t told anyone,” I respond quickly. “Not even Natalee.”
“You’re kidding.”
I shake my head, shame boiling inside me. “I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. Especially after Natalee told me about—”
He cuts me off quickly. “Don’t say her name,” he snaps at me.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t get to use her as a reason not to tell me. I deserved to know. I opened up to you. I gave you more of me than I’ve given anyone. I know you feel the same way. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
I nod slightly. “Yes, of course.”
“Then stay.”