Track 6: Take It All
Kate
Sleeping with Gabe’s arms around me was the best nights sleep I’ve had in three months. His body was so warm, so consuming, I almost forgot where I was.
Once I woke up and remembered that I asked him to stay, I panicked. My plans were already ruined, so there was no point in leading him on. If the circumstances were any different, I’d probably let myself enjoy my time with him. But that wasn’t the case for me. I didn’t have time.
Natalee informed me at breakfast that we were heading into Boston today. After we pick up the tuxedos, she has one last consultation with her florist.
I can feel the tension between Gabe and I as we walk into the shop together. I’m sure he thinks I have bipolar disorder or something, with my constant mood swings, but it’s better this way.
“You look so handsome, Gabe.” Natalee’s face gleams as she takes him in. I allow myself a look, cursing myself for doing so. Shit. He does looks good, really good.
He’s wearing a dark gray, vintage-looking suit with a cream-colored shirt and navy blue suspenders. He looks absolutely adorable—much better than I’d imagined when Natalee told me their theme.
“I feel like a child,” He grimaces. Natalee scowls in his direction and he flashes a wide, cocky smile right back. “Nah, I’m kidding. I make anything look good.” He shrugs, grinning so wide his dimples show.
“Gabe Cooper…” she scowls.
“I’m just playing, Natalee. You know I love your taste.”
“Stop buttering me up, Gabe. I know your true feelings,” she teases.
I continue staring in awe at how relaxed and attractive he looks right now. I know nothing about him, but I imagine his life is simple. He has health, wealth, and happiness—three ingredients that I’m completely lacking.
“How bad is it?” I asked, reluctant to hear the answer. This didn’t feel new to me, after sitting in doctor’s office so many times before.
“You’re in stage three, Kate. It’s high grade. The tumors have spread past the bone already.” He looked at me, his eyes filled with pity and sadness. I knew what that meant.
“Inoperable,” I finished for him. “Which means three, maybe six months.”
“I’m sorry, Kate.” He frowns. “You have options, though.”
I shook my head, not wanting to hear any silver lining to this nightmare. “Where I lose my hair, my ability to talk, get into hundreds of thousands in debt, and die at the end anyway?” I asked flatly. I wasn’t about to sugarcoat it. I knew my ‘options.’
“Kate…” His voice low, authoritative. “There are programs to help with payments. There’s options to help you live longer.”
“Oh, sure. I’ll get a few extra months being in severe, death-like pain, a few extra months of medical bills stacking up, a few extra months alone. Where do I sign up?”
His hand roughly brushed his jaw as the other pinched the bridge of his nose. I wasn’t a clueless patient. I knew what I’d be getting myself into. I knew exactly because it’d been my life for years as I watched my mother and how she was hardly herself by the end of it.
I hadn’t seen my dad in years. I lost my mother two years ago and my grandmother three years before that. It’s a cycle I wouldn’t be breaking, unfortunately, but I took time to consider my options. And taking treatment wasn’t one of my options. Once I learned to accept my destiny—my path—I chose life.
I hadn’t seen it coming. Or him. You know how some say you get a gut instinct, or that subconsciously you know something’s coming? Well, I hadn’t. It hit me like a tornado. It was my tornado—a disaster dropping out of the sky. I couldn’t do anything about it. It had the power to control me, but I wouldn’t give it the power to destroy me. I would take what was left of my life and live.
* * *
Gabe ignores me the entire time at the tuxedo shop, the florist, and the drive home. I catch him staring at me a couple times, but his expressions are always unreadable. I don’t blame him. I’ve confused myself in all of this.
“You and Gabe are walking down the aisle together. Is that going to be a problem?” Natalee asks as we start gathering the wedding programs into perfectly 1920s-styled baskets. She’s managed to add the theme into everything—name placecards, aisle decorations, centerpieces—all without making it look overdone.
“No, of course not. Why do you ask that?” I narrow my eyes, wondering if Gabe has said something to her or Trace.
She shrugs lightly, not keeping eye contact. “Just a tense vibe I’ve sensed between you two.” She sets the programs down and finally looks up at me. “Is it because of the whole shower thing? Are you still mad about that?”
“Well…certainly not pleased with it, but not mad. I’m not good at holding grudges, you know that,” I remind her.
“Okay, good. I’d hate for you to suffer during your time here. I just want you to have a good time. Let loose. Be wild.”
“Wild?” I question, giving her a sideways look. Before my diagnosis, I was anything but wild. I worked endlessly to climb my way up the fashion ladder in my career. I was loyal and devoted to Kyle throughout our entire relationship, and I worked hard in everything I did. In between all that, I helped care for my sick grandmother, and took my mother to her appointments, so wild was never in my vocabulary—which is the main reason my bucket list is necessary.
“Well, it’s been a long time since you were single. If I could have one last hoorah, I’d totally go all crazy, Vegas-style,” she admits, catching me completely off guard. Natalee is the poster child of propriety and elegance.
I burst out in laughter—a holding-my-belly-almost-falling-over kind of laugh. I can’t help it. I’m totally amused by her confession. She begins laughing with me and soon both of us are in the middle of a laughing fit.
“Well, it’s a good thing Trace’s been able to tie you down! Geez.” I laugh again.
“I’m just saying…if freedom suddenly came after years of responsibility, I’m sure I’d go a little Miley Cyrus on the world,” she says in all seriousness, and I now know she’s not just talking about the break up with Kyle, but from the responsibilities I’ve carried for years before that.
“You’re kind of right,” I begin. “My intentions were to have fun this week.”
“Well, then you better!” She squeezes my hand lightly. “And who ever you decide to have fun with, just make sure I’m out of the house.” She winks at me as if I’m supposed to read between the lines. “Oh, and please use the complimentary condoms in the bathroom.”
I snort while laughing at her hostess skills. “Well, then I hope Trace has some more single, fun friends available because I don’t plan to settle down for a long time. And I’m pretty sure Gabe wants to murder me in my sleep.”
The smile on her face drops. “I knew there was something going on between you two today. Now spill.”
“Nothing’s going on. At least, there won’t be. I pretty much threw a rock in that track.”
“If it helps to know, he’s not looking for anything serious. Not that you want to be used…but you both could use some fun.”
“I don’t know, Natalee.”
She sits down at the table and motions for me to do the same. “Listen, Gabe and you have more in common than you think. He might not seem like it, but he’s hurting, too. It’s in a different kind of way, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If anything, he could probably use a friend. As I’m sure you could, as well. Maybe just try talking to him.”
I tilt my head and shrug. “I’ve tried. And then I accused him of being gay.” She bursts out in laughter, her cheeks reddening with embarrassment for me. “Yeah, it’s been awhile since I’ve been on the dating scene.”
“Oh God, Kate. I swear I’m not laughing at you, but Christ.” She’s trying to conceal her smirk, but I’d laugh at me too, if I was her.
“No, it’s fine. I’m clearly in no condition to flirt with a guy. It’s like my flirt-o-meter is broken.”
“Kate, you are stunning. You need to stop worrying. I can tell he’s already affected by you. The way you guys banter and tease each other is a clear sign you’re both into each other. I could feel the sexual tension the entire day and neither of you even spoke a word to each other.”
“But isn’t that odd? I mean, I just met him forty-eight hours ago, we’ve seen each other naked—not by choice—and now he acts as if he can’t stand me. Not that I completely blame him. I might’ve given him mixed signals…” I scrunch my face, showing my confusion at my own actions.
“You’re a woman…we’re confusing creatures. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
“It’s not that simple,” I try to explain, but stop myself.
She covers her hand up with mine, giving me a simple smile. “Don’t you remember how Trace and I met? I was completely smitten with him after the first day. I knew. I don’t know how, but I knew. It’s okay to be afraid or not understand how you can be drawn to another person. Sometimes you just have to let fate take its course.” I nod, remembering exactly the day Natalee called me to tell me about the ‘man of her dreams’ and how she had developed feelings for him so quickly. The only problem is—I can’t let myself develop feelings for Gabe, or anyone, for that matter.
“Yes, I remember.” I smile back. She explained their connection as palpable and their chemistry ‘off the charts.’
“Kate, just have fun. It’s okay.”
This is exactly why I love my cousin so much. She understands the unspoken things I want to say, but can’t. She’s giving me permission to have fun—to not feel guilty because my mom is dead. If only she knew…she’s given me permission for a lot more.
It’s only for the week, I remind myself. I can have fun without any feelings developing.
Or so I will continue to tell myself.