Track 15: One & Only
Gabe
I was begging her like a fucking fool, but I didn’t care. I’d beg her until I took my last breath if I had to.
Please…please say yes.
The rain pours over us, drenching us both in a wet mess of clothes and hair. I plead with my eyes, forcing myself back so I don’t cave and kiss that mouth of hers that so desperately needs me.
She’s my girl. I can’t let her go now.
“I will hurt you, Gabe. Why would you want to go into this knowing your heart will be shattered?” I shake my head. “I can’t let do this. I’ll break you.”
“You wanting to leave is breaking me right now. You’d leave with my heart in your hands and that’d be worse than anything because at least with you in my life, I could be with you. I could still kiss you and hold you and tell you how beautiful you are every single day. I’d lay with you until you fell asleep and make sure you’d never be cold and alone.”
“Let me go. You’ll move on and meet someone else and live the life you were meant to live,” she tries to convince me, but I know she’s putting on this brave face that she can no longer hide behind.
“Come here,” I say, grabbing her hand in mine and leading her up to the porch where we can stay out of the rain. I position her in front of me, pressing both of her palms to my chest as my hands cover the top of hers. “There is no getting over you, Kate Wesley. There’s no moving on or pretending you never existed. Never. It doesn’t matter what you say because it will never take away the time we have together. Nothing you say will make me change my mind. I’ve watched my little sister take her last breath. I’ve watched as the world has taken good people while bad people remain living their lives. And I’ve seen you. You’re strong-willed, you push boundaries every chance you get, and you love with all your heart and soul. The way you love your family and the way you’ve shown me love in just a short amount of time tells me the kind of person you are. And there’s absolutely no getting over that.”
“I hate you,” she mutters so quietly, I must’ve heard her wrong. “I hate that you’ve given me a reason to live. A reason to fight. I hate that you barged into my life and made me fall for you. I was so content on my decision after seeing what it did to my mother and grandmother. And now I hate what it’s going to do to you when it takes me like it did them. I hate that I fell for you at the same time you were falling for me. And that I did nothing to stop it.”
“Stop,” I say, tilting her chin to look up at me. “You’ve given me the most precious gift in the entire world. You’ve made me feel again, Kate. You gave me a reason to wake up and seize the moment. You made me laugh and smile and fuck, Kate, you made me forget. But I don’t care what you say or what you’re afraid will happen. I’m not letting you go.”
“Then will you promise me one thing?”
“Anything.”
She swallows and blinks a few times. “Promise me you won’t be sad for very long. And when you cry, make them happy tears. Happy that we met. Happy that we got the time together that we did. And happy that you made me happy. I can’t let you do this if you can’t promise me those things.”
I lick my lips, hopeful for the first time since I saw her walk out that door that she’s finally deciding to stay. “I promise I will cry, but I will cry out of pure joy. Joy that I met you. Joy that you were a part of my life. Joy that you let me be here for you. And I promise you for the rest of my life, I will never think of skinny-dipping, tree climbing, or pole dancing the same again.”
She smiles wide, finally giving me her nod of approval.
I exhale, tilting my head up to the sky and muttering, “Thank God!”
I pull her into my chest and kiss her lips until they’ve warmed up again. “Let’s get inside and warm you up.”
I pull her into the shower, letting the hot water stream over her body until she stops shivering, and I’m convinced that her body temperature is stable again. I kiss her gently in between washing her with soap and drying her off with a towel. I give her one of my shirts to lie in and some boxer shorts.
I wrap both arms around her, keeping her as warm as possible in my embrace. She’s so petite, it’s no wonder she can’t stay warm very long. The more I think about everything over the last week, the more I wonder how I missed all the signs. Her list. The way her body gets cold so fast. The weakness in her legs when she couldn’t lift herself up the tree. They were all there.
I can’t entirely blame her for not wanting to tell me. I guess if the roles were reversed, I would’ve felt reservations about telling the news to someone I just met, but I can’t understand how she hasn’t told Natalee yet.
“Are you going to tell her?” I ask as we lay in bed together, looking up at the ceiling, watching the reflection of the moons and stars from the window.
“I don’t know,” she answers honestly. “I can’t imagine how hurt she’s going to feel.”
“Better to do it now before it’s too late. What are you afraid of?”
“The guilt. The guilt of anyone rearranging their lives for me, changing their plans, or having to take care of me. I did it for my mother because I loved her unconditionally, but it takes such a toll on you. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It’s heartbreaking and it nearly destroyed me.”
“I know,” I whisper, remembering feeling those exact same things.
“Will you tell me about your sister?”
I nod. “I loved her with everything I had and losing her wrecked me. I knew it was coming. I knew for two years, but it didn’t diminish the pain any less having been prepared for it. There were times I prayed for it to just take her—take her out of her misery and give her peace. But even through all the treatment and pain she went through, she smiled. She was so strong even at her age. I stayed strong for her as much as I could, but at times, it was her being strong for me.”
“Cancer is weird like that,” she explains. “You want to be strong for the ones around you. You don’t want to be weak or be treated any different. The strength helps us, too.”
“Have you considered a second opinion?”
Her body stiffens. “No. I don’t need one.”
“But there could be different treatment options out there for you. Less invasive ones.”
“There aren’t.”
“How do you know if you don’t—”
“Because the type I have is a really, really awful one. The tumors spread through the body and latches onto other parts of the body, so even if chemo or radiation are an option, it doesn’t kill all the cancer cells. They just keep multiplying and you go through the sickness, the vomiting, the hair loss—all for nothing. And what for? There’s such a range of success rates that even at forty percent, you’re basically giving the last months of your life to the cancer. You’re stuck in hospitals. You feel too sick from the treatments to even get out of bed. I didn’t want that. I don’t want that. I want to live as much as I can and when it’s my time, I will go knowing that I lived with no regrets.”
Her words are so honest and raw, but slice my heart wide open, pouring the truth right into the wound and burning every cell in my body. I have so many mixed emotions right now, I don’t know which one to even focus on. Pissed that she chose not to get treatment. Angry that cancer had to pick someone like her, someone as good as her. Happy that she isn’t suffering the way she could be by having treatments. And scared to death that she could be taken from me at any time.
“You’re brave, you know that?” I turn toward her and cup her cheek. She shrugs, a pink blush covering her face again. “Thank you.”
She furrows her brows. “For what?”
“For giving me the chance to be in your life. To help you with your list. To hold you.”
She lets out a soft chuckle. “You’re thanking me for allowing you to hold me?”
I nod. “It’s a privilege.”
“I hadn’t realized you’d be turning into Romeo the moment I climbed into bed with you. Had I known…” She lingers in a teasing tone.
“You would’ve jumped in sooner,” I mock, bringing my lips down to hers and capturing her in a slow, seductive kiss. It’s soft, yet so powerful. Our lips pouring into one another’s souls, saying everything with our bodies that words can’t.