Track 16: Best for Last
Kate
Days turned into weeks and within those weeks, I never felt more alive. I packed up my tiny apartment and moved to Boston with Gabe. I made sure to take care of all my after-life arrangements before I left. He took a leave of absence from his job, although I told him not to, but of course, he didn’t listen. However, being with Gabe has given my life a whole new meaning.
I loved him. It happened almost immediately and without warning. I came that week with the intention to live my life as carefree and spontaneous as possible, which lead to the very last thing I thought I’d ever say—I wanted to marry him.
“So, do you think you accomplished everything on your bucket list yet?” he asks one morning as I sit at the breakfast bar with my licorice whip in my can of Dr. Pepper. The first time he saw me do that, he laughed so hard, he nearly peed himself. It was those small moments of finding new things out about each other that’s been the best part of being here with him every day.
“Not quite. Almost though,” I reply as I watch him work in the kitchen.
“What are we missing?” The look on his face is filled with concern, and I know I have to tell him.
“I actually added a new one.”
“Okay, what is it?”
Butterflies invade my stomach as goose bumps covered my skin. We’ve never talked about this before, so I’m not sure how he’s going to react, but the last thing I have time for is being hesitant. It’s now or never.
“To become your wife,” I said with certainty.
His hard stare becomes intense, and I worry I’ve crossed some imaginary line. Finally, he blinks and says, “Right now.”
“What?”
“I want to marry you, Kate.” His eyes are so genuine; I can barely breathe while staring into them.
“You do?” I swallow.
“Of course. I was afraid to mention it. I thought maybe you’d think I was crazy or something.”
“Well…” I tease.
He comes closer, cupping my face in his hands as he looks into my eyes. “Will you marry me, Kate?”
His voice is so sweet and his touch is so tender. I would never deny this man anything, ever.
“Of course I will.” He presses our lips together and forty-eight hours later, we’re on a plane to Vegas.
Some might say we’re rushing it. We’re making quick decisions based off what’s to happen. Will a piece of paper really change our reality? No. But marrying him will at least make all of this worth it. Knowing we made promises to each other, no matter how much time is left, makes every moment with him worth it.
Falling in love with him was the last thing I set out to do, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. Fate included him in the plan all along.
Instead of making a new list, I edited the old one.
Bucket List #1: Don’t fall in love. Fall hopelessly in love.
And added one more.
Bucket List #25: Give one reason as to how being a bad girlfriend paid off.
Meeting Gabe.
Gabe
Thirteen months ago, the world gained an angel and I lost the only person in my life that I loved. She was eleven and smart as a whip. She’d been battling Leukemia for two years and finally one day, she was done fighting. Her body shut down, and I held her as I whispered in her ear, “It’s okay, Sophia. You can stop smiling now.”
The day after her funeral, I got Never Stop Smiling tattooed on my chest underneath a purple lily. It helped me feel closer to her even with her being gone.
However, the days following, I was the worst version of myself that I’d ever felt. I barely remember, everything feels like such a blur, but I remember the pain. That’s something that I can always count on being around.
Three months ago, I met Kate and my life turned upside down. I can’t explain why she was meant to come into my life, but feeling that same pain over again has been worth it. As much as she was fighting for survival, she was giving me a reason to live my life again. Losing her felt like my heart was being ripped out again, but at least this time, I knew what to expect.
Things got worse, as I suspected they would. She’d been getting sicker and her body was too weak to walk anymore. She agreed to a wheelchair, but she wasn’t happy about it. She wanted to use a cane, but just walking from the bedroom to the bathroom had her out of breath. She’d cringe from the pain, but insisted she was fine.
After Natalee found out, she stopped everything she was doing, just like Kate hadn’t wanted her to, and spent as much time as she could with her. She drove up on the weekends and hired around-the-clock care, making sure her fluids were kept up, and that she wasn’t suffering.
Weeks later, Natalee found out she was expecting, and I had the pleasure of winning our non-bet. Although she was happy to say I won, she knew she wouldn’t be around long enough to meet the baby. And I knew that devastated the both of them.
One night as I stood in the hallway outside the bedroom, I heard her talking to Natalee.
“Promise me something?”
“Anything.” I heard Natalee’s eager voice.
“Be happy. Enjoy your pregnancy. Go to birthing classes. Have a baby shower. Decorate the nursery and buy too many baby clothes.” I could hear Natalee choking up and wiping tears off her cheeks. “And promise you’ll sing and read to him or her, even if you’re feeling sad. Record your belly movements and take a lot of pictures. I don’t want you to miss one happy thing, do you hear me?” Kate’s voice was gravelly and weak, but I could hear every word. As much as she was trying to put Natalee at ease, she wouldn’t go without hearing her promise it to her.
“Okay, I promise, Katie Bear.” I could tell her words were surrounded by tears. “I’m going to tell him or her all about you, I swear.”
“Only the good stuff, okay?”
They both laughed.
“Okay.”
The next night as I sit on the side of her bed, she looks up at me for the last time.
“Gabe?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Remember the night you begged me to stay?” I nod. “I need you to promise me those things again,” she forces out, her eyelids weighing heavy over her eyes. “Promise me that you’ll move on after me. Grieve for a year and move forward. I need to know you’ll allow yourself to be happy again.”
“Do we have to talk about this?”
I hate when she talked about this stuff. It’s so morbid.
“Gabe,” she says sternly. “Promise me.”
I inhale audibly, letting her know that this wasn’t going to be an easy promise to keep.
“One year, Gabe. Say it.”
“Fine,” I finally give in. “One year.”
“And you’ll move on.”
“And I’ll attempt to move on. I can’t guarantee anyone’s going to want me considering the hot mess I’ll be in. Fifty pounds heavier with a beer gut, Santa Claus beard, a unibrow.”
“No joking,” she says on a choke of laughter.
I bend down and kiss her forehead, letting my lips linger against her cold skin for a moment. Then, I whisper, “Okay, Kate. I promise.”
“One more thing,” she adds.
“What’s that, sweetheart?”
“When you’re ready, whether it be a week later or year later, I want you to read my letter.” Her tone is persistent, but I shake my head ‘no’ anyway. She’d been writing during the days she felt well enough to, but I didn’t like thinking about it, thinking about how she was writing a letter about the inevitable.
“Please,” she begs. “For me?”
I swallow, my throat burning. “Okay,” I finally agree, nodding my head to reassure her I will.
“I love you.” I cover my hand with hers as I watch her fight to even get those last words out.
I press my forehead to hers and whisper, “I’ll never stop loving you, Kate. For as long as I live. I promise.”
She sighs with a pleased smile.
For the rest of the night, I stayed with her in bed, warming her up with my body heat, and whispering all the memories we were able to share together. She laughed lightly, but soon sleep took over, and she was too weak to fight it.
Twenty-four hours later, she took her last breath.
She was surrounded by love and tears. I held her body against mine as Natalee gripped her hand, whispering the Lord’s Prayer. Trace stood behind Nat, consoling her the best he could.
Once her kidneys began to fail, we knew her time was coming to an end. We knew because she told us she could feel it. I knew Kate well enough to know she was going to go on her own terms, when she’d said everything she wanted to say, and when she had, she closed her eyes, and exhaled one last time, breathing the last part of her into the air around us.
She was gone, but she’d always be here with us. That much I knew for certain.