Track 5: Rolling in the Deep
Gabe
Kissing Kate was better than I even imagined it would be. The second I saw her long, lean legs peek out from those ridiculously-short shorts, I knew I wouldn’t be getting much reading done.
When Trace told me he was being dragged to one final dance class before the wedding, I knew it was my chance to get Kate alone. I had intended on actually talking to her, but she clearly had other plans, which meant altering my own. Not that I entirely minded. She’s refreshing to be around. Someone that takes notice of me without knowing who I am.
From the outside it looks as if I have it all together—the nice home, the good-paying job, apparently metrosexual looks. From the outside, I have nothing to complain about. It’s the inside that wishes every day that I could’ve died along with Sophia, instead of being left here without her.
I look over and grin as I see a sleeping Kate on the other side of the couch. I wanted to do a lot more than just kiss her, but I wasn’t going to give up this game we’re playing just yet. It’s the first time in years someone’s showed me any real attention without knowing anything about me. Maybe it’s screwed up, but I can’t help craving the feeling of anticipation.
I grab the remote and click the television off. Hovering over Kate, I contemplate on leaving her there or carrying her up to her room. She’s laying in the fetal position, all snug against the pillow. I decide any excuse to touch her is a good enough reason to carry her to bed. I slowly push my hands underneath her body, sliding my arms under her shoulders and knees. I lift her up and soon she’s cradled against my chest.
I carry her up the stairs and down the hall to her room, quietly kicking the door open. It can’t even be past ten p.m., but Trace and Natalee aren’t home yet, so I decide it’s my job to tuck her in. I’m sure she’ll slap me or bug out when she wakes up tomorrow morning, but it’ll be worth it.
I hold her close as I pull back the covers, laying her gently on the bed. I hear a soft moan and immediately jerk back, hoping I haven’t woken her. She nestles her head on the pillow, folding her hands underneath as her legs pull back up to her chest. I grab the rest of the blankets and pull them over her, making sure her body stays warm in her next-to-nothing pajamas.
I kneel down to her level and softly brush the hair off her face, trailing a finger down the side of face, savoring the soft skin against my rough fingertips. She nuzzles her face deeper into the pillow, whimpering in her sleep.
I kiss her lightly on the forehead, a habit of mine I apparently haven’t broken, and stand up to leave.
“Don’t leave.” I spin around, making sure I heard it right. I take a step toward her, wondering if she’s talking in her sleep. “Lay with me. Please.”
I contemplate my options for a moment. Lay with her like she asks—while possibly enduring the biggest set of blue balls ever—or walk out pretending I didn’t hear her.
* * *
I wake up to the sound of the shower, blinking my eyes open to the burning sun that is shining through the window. I quickly realize I’m not in the room I’m supposed to be. I slept with Kate.
Actually slept. I cradled my body to hers and she relaxed completely into my chest, her back to me. It’s something I haven’t felt in years. Closeness.
I strip the covers back, realizing I’m only in boxers. I grab my shirt and jeans and put them back on as I wait for the shower. I’m not sure why she asked me to stay last night, but there’s something about her that brings lightness with her straightforward approach. Something I haven’t had very much in my life.
The door to the bathroom swings open, startling me. I sit and wait on her bed because I’m not sure what else to do, but the moment she sees me, her eyes narrow as her face tenses. She looks beyond pissed.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” She’s fully dressed but her hair is soaking wet. She has both hands on her hips, one cocked out holding her firm stance.
“What are you talking about?”
She half-laughs, huffing in the process. “I wake up to you, half-naked, in my bed, Gabe. I’m damn sure you know what I’m talking about.”
I stand up, needing to be on her eye level as I defend myself. The last thing I’m going to do is let her accuse me of being some sick pervert that sneaks into girl’s beds at night or something.
“You asked me to, don’t you remember?”
“I would not ask you to sleep with me.”
“Well…you did.” I rub the stubble on my chin, feeling stung that she didn’t enjoy what I clearly had.
She taps her feet as she racks her brain. I know she won’t admit it. She’s stubborn as hell.
“I don’t know what type of girl you think I am, or what type of girl you’re used to, but I don’t go around sleeping with men I don’t know. And even if I did, you wouldn’t be one of them.”
Ouch.
“We slept, Kate. That’s all. You snored in your sleep, and I held you to my chest. Nothing happened.”
I can tell my words affect her, but she’s not willing to admit it. I want to tell her I know about her mom and grandma and that she doesn’t have to act so guarded, but the truth remains—I hardly know her. And although it’s only been two days, for the first time in months, I feel like I want to know someone else. Perhaps it’s because we share the same pain, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to let it go.
“I don’t snore,” she insists. I laugh to myself as she tries to defend herself again.
“You do.”
“Well, whatever. You shouldn’t have stayed.”
“Then why did you ask?”
“Even if I did, why would you agree to it? You don’t know me.”
“Not even if you did…” I correct her and continue. “You actually did. And I wasn’t going to, but you begged me to. I didn’t feel right about leaving you alone.”
“I did not beg!” she retorts.
“How do you know?” I cross my arms teasingly, knowing I’ve got her now. “If you don’t remember, how do you know you didn’t beg?” I ask again.
“Well, I’m assuming. I’d never beg a stranger to sleep in my bed.”
“Good thing I’m not a stranger.” I smirk at her.
She throws her arms up, walking toward me to grab her suitcase from the floor. “I’m not going to argue with you about this.”
“Then don’t.”
“I won’t.”
“Great.”
“You know you’re like a child.”
“I am not.”
“You are.”
She stands up and gets directly in front of me, challenging me. “What is it you want?” It takes me off-guard. I wasn’t expecting that question to come out of her mouth.
“I don’t want anything, Kate.” Her games are getting old, and I’m not sure I’m up to playing anymore.
“Good. Then you can leave.”
My jaw ticks at her words, my neck tightening at her tone. I have no idea what it is that I’ve done to this girl, but I’m not sure it’s worth figuring out. I’ll be gone before sunrise Sunday morning, back to the life that I know.
I stalk out of her bedroom, going directly to mine. I try and figure out how in the hell I got myself into this position with a complete stranger.
I should’ve just told her I was into men. Would’ve saved me a headache and a several elbow jabs to the gut last night.
* * *
It was a perfect, sunny day in Boston. The leaves were blowing around as the heat of the sun surrounded us. It was the day before we heard about her diagnosis but you would’ve never guessed she was sick by looking at her. She was filled with life, filled with happiness. Her smile alone made everything better.
Her life was innocent. And she was stripped of it way too soon. She spent three years in and out of the hospital, but those years I spent with her were priceless. I never imagined my little sister would be the one to completely change me. She made me a better and stronger person. Until she died.
Now the pain becomes so much that if I don’t numb it, I’d never get through a full day. Working became a necessity and my social life became non-existent. It was the only way I knew how to exist without her.
I decide to skip breakfast with Trace and Natalee, needing to gain my bearings back. I’ve been unstable for the past ten months and being here is clearly fucking with me. It’s the first time I’ve been on a vacation since then, and I feel guilty as hell about it. It’s stupid I know, but I can’t help it. Guilty that I’m alive. Guilty that she’s not. Guilty that I could be feeling any kind of happiness. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
The only way I’m going to get through this week is to stay away from her as much as I can. With the exception of the rehearsal and the actual wedding day, I don’t need to be anywhere near her.
A knock on my door startles me as I sit on my bed reading. Trace is at the door with a wide grin on his face, clearly stoked about something.
“What’s up, man?” I ask, motioning him inside.
“Natalee’s on me about picking up the tuxedos early. She wants us to go for one last fitting before taking them.” When Trace asked me to be in his wedding, I went without him to be fitted, but that was months ago. I did anything to avoid human contact at that time.
“Sure, let me just grab my cell and we can go.”
“Sounds good. Natalee and Kate are waiting for us downstairs.” I freeze in my tracks. I was hoping to avoid her today.
“Oh…the girls are coming?”
“Yeah, Natalee wants to go to the flower shop afterward, so she thought we could all ride together.”
“Oh…okay. Cool.” I pinch the back of my neck, trying to sound calm, but I think he notices my discomfort.
Natalee and Kate are waiting for us at the end of the staircase. Natalee’s head pops up the moment she hears us coming down. “You weren’t hungry, Gabe?” she asks with concern.
“No, not really.” I chance a quick glance at Kate who’s successfully avoiding eye contact with me. “Didn’t really sleep well,” I say grimly. Although it’s a lie, the look on Natalee’s face tells me she believes it.
“Oh, no.” She sounds sincere. “Were the hemorrhoids acting up again?”
Kate chokes out a laugh, trying to cover it up as a cough as she finally turns her head to look up at me. “Yeah, do you need more cream?” The amusement in her tone is obvious, but I’m not about to let her get to me again.
I bite my lower lip to keep from spitting out what I really want to say. I’m not about to sink to her level of childish games. “No, it’s not that,” I assure. “I just didn’t have an appetite, that’s all.”
Natalee smiles and nods at me, leaving it alone thankfully. Trace ushers us to his black Denali, my mind just now realizing I’m going to have sit in the back with Kate.
Trace opens the door for Natalee in the passenger seat, helping her up to the seat. I grin, watching him as he carefully helps her in and plants a quick kiss on her cheek. He’s changed a lot since college and it’s obvious Natalee’s had an affect on him as well.
He then opens the back door and helps Kate up into her seat. I follow Trace around and get in behind him, praying I have the strength to get through the rest of this day.