CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - CALEB
Tara and I didn’t speak until my PT session later that week. I thought about calling her a thousand times, but I refused to give in to that desire. She accused me of abusing my drugs. Again. I couldn’t just forgive that, not after everything we’d been through together. I felt certain that Tara, unlike everyone else, knew me well enough to know I would never do something like that. It wasn’t me. And yet, she flew off the handle. She even talked to Dr. McGee, which lead to an extremely awkward phone call later that day.
Dr. McGee insisted I go in to see a psychiatrist. He too was worried about my drug use. I swore at him and told him Tara was wrong. He didn’t believe me, so I told him to cancel the prescription. I wasn’t about to see some shrink on top of everything else. I wasn’t abusing my pills. I really did lose them. But that didn’t matter. The only thing I could do to prove myself was go off the painkillers completely. So I did. By the time my PT session rolled around, I’d been living off Tylenol for three days.
I walked through the doors of the PT building and immediately saw Tara waiting for me on the far side of the room. She was standing behind the weight bench with her clipboard in her hand. My stomach dropped when I saw her. She looked gorgeous. I was still angry with her, but God, I missed her so damn much. Her long, blonde hair fell loosely over her shoulders in soft waves, and when she lifted her eyes to meet my gaze, I forgot how to breathe. It had been three days since I was pierced with those pale blue eyes. I could barely control myself as I moved closer to her.
“Hey,” she said weakly. “I wasn’t sure you were going to make it.”
“I can’t miss PT sessions, remember?” My voice was tight.
“Yeah.” She nodded and cleared her throat. “Well, let’s get you started with some stretches, then we’ll move to the bench.”
“Okay.”
I got down on the mat table and stretched out my leg. Tara sat beside me and watched, making verbal adjustments. She never touched me. I saw her fingers twitch a few times, but she always stopped herself before she came too close.
“That’s great,” she said. “Do you want to try the fives today?”
“Tens,” I said with confidence. Tara looked at me nervously. “I’m ready.”
She nodded and loaded up the bench. I tucked my foot beneath the padded area and lifted. My leg tensed at first but after a few reps, it loosened up. I could feel myself strengthening as I breezed through the session. My leg ached when I was finished, but it was a good ache, the kind that told me I’d just kicked serious ass.
“That was great,” Tara said softly. “How’s your pain?”
Her eyes met mine, and I knew she was thinking about my pills. I felt my stomach tighten with anger as I stared at her. I hoped she would have realized her mistake by now, but that obviously wasn’t going to happen.
“I’m only taking Tylenol,” I said sharply. “I had Dr. McGee cancel the prescription.”
“Oh,” she said. “Why?”
“Because I wasn’t lying, Tara. I haven’t been abusing the damn pills and if going off them completely is what it takes for you to believe me, then that’s what I’ll do.”
She stared at me with wide eyes. I could see the emotions swimming behind them, but she didn’t say a word.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I demanded. “It’s been weeks, and you’re still distant. You’re picking fights about stupid shit. I’m not an idiot. I know there’s something you aren’t telling me.”
Tara stayed silent. Her eyes left my face, but she didn’t say a word. Tears pooled in her eyes, and I watched as the first one slid down her cheek. The sight softened me, but not enough to change my mind. Enough was enough. I wanted answers, and if I didn’t get them, then I was done.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said softly. “I’ve been trying to be patient with you, but if you won’t let me in, then what’s the point? Why even try to be together if you won’t talk to me?”
More tears fell down Tara’s face as I spoke. I stared at her, silently begging her to talk to me. She didn’t. She just kept staring at me, silently crying until I turned to walk away.
I didn’t want to. Everything inside of me was screaming to turn back around, but I couldn’t. If Tara couldn’t talk to me, then I couldn’t be with her. It was that simple. And that painful.
“I’m sick,” she said from behind me. Her voice was so soft that I barely heard it. I turned back around slowly. She was still staring at me, crying in earnest now.
“What did you say?” I asked.
“I’m sick.” She took a step toward me. “I have cancer, and I just found out a little while ago. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how.”
“Cancer,” I repeated flatly. “Cancer. What kind of cancer?”
“It’s a rare form of brain cancer,” she said quickly. “They caught it because I’ve been getting these terrible headaches for a couple months now. They come on suddenly and knock me on my ass. I wanted to ignore them, but after a while, I knew I couldn’t. I went in to see a neurosurgeon, and he diagnosed me. I’ve been working with a team of oncologists, but they aren’t sure how to begin my treatment. This cancer, it’s rare and aggressive.”
The words flew out of her mouth as if she couldn’t wait to be rid of them. I was in shock. I stared at her, taking in her words, but not able to say anything in response. I knew she’d been keeping something from me but this? This was crazy. This couldn’t possibly be true.
“How can you have cancer?” I stammered. “I mean, you’re young and healthy. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand how.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice weak. “I should have told you when I found out. You and my dad.”
“Darren doesn’t know?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No one does.”
“Tara, how the hell could you keep this a secret?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t know.”
She looked so fragile. Her eyes were red with tears, and her cheeks were flushed. Her shoulders were slumped forward, and she was shaking. I didn’t think. I just moved forward, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against my chest.
She sobbed into me, shaking and weeping uncontrollably. I knew this had been killing her. No one should have to face something like this alone, and yet, Tara had. She’d closed herself off from me, her father, and everyone else she loved. It wasn’t fair to any of us but most of all, it wasn’t fair to her.
“I’m right here,” I said. I kissed her hair. “I’m right here, okay? You aren’t going through this alone. I won’t let you.”
She nodded against my chest but just kept crying. I tightened my hold on her, and we stood there, in the middle of the PT building, locked in an endless embrace. I never wanted to let her go. Now that I knew the truth, I didn’t want to spend a single second away from her.
“I need you to promise me something,” she said, gently pulling away from me. She wiped her eyes and sniffed. “Don’t tell my dad or Cathy. Not yet.”
“Tara,” I began, but she shook her head.
“I’ll tell them,” she said. “I swear. Just, not yet. I’m not ready for them to know, okay? Once the doctors have a solid plan for my treatment, then I’ll tell them.”
I couldn’t deny her anything. Not now. I nodded, and she smiled gratefully, falling into my arms again. I felt my eyes burn with tears, but I pushed them away. Now wasn’t the time to break down. Tara needed me.
***
I wanted Tara to spend the night, but she insisted on going home. She was exhausted and just needed time to herself. So I walked into my apartment alone and fell on the couch. My head was spinning. I didn’t know what to do but I didn’t get long to think about it. There was a knock on the front door that drew me back to reality.
I hurried over, thinking it was Tara, but found my mother standing outside.
“Brought you some groceries,” she said, holding up two bags.
“Thanks,” I said. I forced a smile on my face and watched as she unloaded the bags in my kitchen.
While she put away the food, she cleaned off the counters. I wanted to tell her about Tara’s illness. The secret was burning a hole in my gut, but I kept my mouth shut. I promised Tara I wouldn’t say anything and I couldn’t break that promise.
Instead, I sighed and leaned against my kitchen counter, trying to think of something that might distract me. My mom threw away an old loaf of bread and shoved some old mail into my trashcan. While I watched her, a realization hit me.
“Hey,” I said. “You didn’t see my pain pills last time you were here, did you?”
“Pain pills?” she asked, frowning. “No, I didn’t see any prescription bottles.”
“They weren’t in the bottle,” I said. “I put them in my old matchbox container, so I wouldn’t lose them again.”
“Oh! Crap,” Mom said. “Yeah, I thought that was just junk. I tossed it a few days ago. I’m so sorry.”
I just shook my head and smiled. It didn’t matter. Not anymore. I was glad to know where the pills went but with Tara’s illness in mind, nothing else could upset me. I didn’t care about the painkillers anymore. My leg would survive. But, Tara—I wasn’t sure she would.