Nova

I stare at the tiny spot of dirt my son is buried under. 

I stare at it, willing it to go away, to not be real.

This has to be an endless nightmare, right?

I refuse to think this is real, that this is actually happening.

But my logical self knows it is.

You can only deny what’s right in front of you for so long.

Jace’s hand finds mine. My hand is limp in his, but he tries to hold on. Eventually, he gives up.

He’s been trying to hold me close all week, but I avoid his touch like it’s fire and I’m ice and I’ll melt if he gets too close. 

That’s the way I feel, though, as if I’m melting, as if my being can’t be held together any longer.

I’ve thought I knew what it was like to be heartbroken, but nothing compares to this. This is hell on earth.

Our friends stand around with us, even Joel is here, solemn and quiet. I know they’re scared to say the wrong thing to me, but the sad thing is I’m too numb for anything else to hurt.

My body merely feels like a vessel and I’m along for the ride.

I don’t care to feel, to think, to do.

I’m only going through the motions.

“The sun’s setting,” Jace says beside me, breaking me from my reverie. “It’s time.”

I nod.

He breaks away from me and distributes the paper lanterns to everyone, including me, but he waits to give me mine until last.

Then he goes around and lights them.

He clears his throat. “I feel like I should say something, but there’s not much I feel I can say. No parent ever thinks this will happen to them. But sometimes, it does. I choose to cherish Beckett’s life while he was with us. He brought us so much joy, so much promise. I know one day, we’ll have more kids, and Beckett will always be there, looking down on us. I only hope my soul is pure enough for me to go where he goes.”

I look at Jace and his eyes meet mine. The pain and hurt I feel is echoed in his gaze. 

“I love you,” he murmurs.

I don’t say it back. Instead, I look away. 

His love is too much to bear along with my grief. The weight will kill me, I know it.

“Ready? One, two, three,” he counts and then we launch the paper lanterns into the air.

Mine swirls around my head before being carried away, and I like to think it’s Beckett telling me he’s okay.

Jace wraps his arm around me. Where I would normally lean into his body, seeking warmth and comfort, now I’m careful to keep distance between us.

The lanterns float through the air, getting farther and farther away. 

With them, they carry my heart.

I feel nothing now.

Day by day I go through the motions. A full month goes by, then another, every day the same.

I feed myself. I shower. I go to work at the record store and I even work with Joel. And then I ignore Jace.

He tries to talk to me, to get me to open up, but I can’t talk to him.

I know he’s going through this too, but my grief feels like mine, the only thing keeping me alive, and I don’t want to let it go.

I can feel Jace getting angry, his body radiating with intensity whenever I’m around.

I hate that I’m hurting him, but this is the way it has to be.

We ride silently together in his truck, heading to meet Sarah, her husband, and Greyson.

I don’t tell Sarah, but being around Greyson is hard now. He’s a reminder of everything I don’t have, everything I lost in the blink of an eye.

She’s been amazing, though, through this whole thing. She’s been a comforting presence, and someone I can confide in. 

My friends are hesitant to say the wrong thing, and especially with Thea, I don’t think she wants to hear it. She’s pregnant, and I’m a reminder of what can go wrong.

We arrive at the lake and Jace parks. He gets out, not saying anything to me.

I think he’s beginning to give up on me, or maybe he hopes I’ll come around on my own if he leaves me alone.

He grabs his fishing gear from the back of the truck and heads for the dock where Sarah, Jimmy, and Greyson already reside.

I sit for a moment longer, trying to get my wits together.

With a sigh, I open the door and slowly trek down to the dock.

It’s June and impossibly sunny and hot. I hate it.

I scuff my sneakers through the dirt and grass, taking my time joining the others.

When I get there, Greyson runs up and gives me a hug. I hold him close before he runs off and joins Jace at the end of the dock. Jace reaches down and ruffles his hair and Greyson’s laughter carries back to me.

“Come sit with me,” Sarah coaxes as she spreads out a blanket on the grass near the dock.

I help her smooth out the edges and sit down beside her. My legs are bare in a pair of cut off shorts. My legs too white and pale in my opinion. 

“How are you feeling?” Sarah asks. “You didn’t answer my last text.”

I shrug. “The same. Awful.” I pick a blade of grass and wrap it around my finger. “I keep thinking this will get easier, but it’s not. We haven’t even taken his nursery down. We barely talk, which is my fault. I don’t even want him to touch me, which I know hurts him.” 

“Oh, honey.” Sarah presses her lips together, thinking. “You need to be open with him, don’t shut him out.”

“I can’t help it. Jace … He wants to make everything right for me, and this is one thing he can’t. I don’t want to give him false hope.”

“He’s the man you love, though. Don’t push him away—if you push him too far you might never get him back.”

I swallow thickly. “Maybe that’s what we need, though. Maybe we’ve been thinking we’re it for each other and we’re not.”

“Don’t say that, Nova. You don’t mean it.”

I shrug. “He’s too good for me.”

At my words, Jace looks back at me, I know he can’t have heard them, but the smile he was wearing with Greyson vanishes and he looks at me intensely like I’m some complicated math problem he can’t solve.

“All I know,” I continue, “is he deserves to be happy, and I can’t make him happy. Not right now, maybe not ever.”

Sarah tilts her head. “Did you ever think maybe he feels the same as you? That he’s hurting and still mourning?”

I wince. I know he is, but … “It’s different.”

“No, it’s not. You’re being stupid,” she says sternly. “I see what you’re doing, you’re punishing yourself by trying to push him away. You’re only going to make yourself more miserable if you lose him too.”

“That’s not it at all,” I defend, though her words hit home and I think she’s right. 

She shakes her head and I swear she rolls her eyes. “Whatever you say.”

She doesn’t believe me any more than I believe myself.

“Whoa! Yeah, that’s it,” we hear Jace cheer. “Good job!” He holds up his hand for a high five from Greyson. Jimmy sits on the dock near them, his feet dangling over the water. In the water, Greyson’s line bobs. “You’re going to catch a fish in no time,” Jace tells him.

“Really?” Greyson asks. “A big one?”

“You bet.”

Jace bends, getting his own line ready before casting it. They stand side by side and I squish my eyes closed, fighting against the pain at the fact it’ll never be Beckett and Jace going fishing.

When I open them, the pain has lessened a little. Enough so I can’t help but take a picture of them. Even though this hurts right now, I know this isn’t a moment I ever want to forget. 

“He loves you fiercely,” Sarah murmurs quietly beside me, almost like she’s not sure she wants to say it. “Don’t throw it back in his face.”