Jace

Nova falls asleep shortly after we get on the plane, her body relaxed, and her head on my shoulder. I, on the other hand, can’t sleep. I’m afraid if I close my eyes this will all disappear. I inhale the scent of her shampoo, and it comforts me a bit. 

After the guys helped me clear out the nursery, I called for everything to be taken away.

Then, I did my least favorite thing.

I shopped.

I spent the whole evening repainting the room and making it a space for Nova. I wanted it to be something she’d love and hopefully wouldn’t remind her of what we’ve lost.

By the time I finished with everything it was almost morning. I quickly booked a flight, which cost a shit ton to get at the last minute, showered, and slept for a few hours.

I tracked her phone and finally found where she was staying.

When she came out of the door it was like I could breathe again.

The plane finally touches down back home and Nova stirs against me.

She lifts her head and blinks rapidly. “Are we home?”

“Almost.”

She yawns and rubs her eyes. “I didn’t know I was so sleepy—I mean, I guess I should have. I haven’t been sleeping well.”

The plane taxis in and as soon as we can get off, we do.

We grab Nova’s suitcase and head to the parking garage where I parked my truck.

I can’t get home soon enough. I don’t think it’ll feel real to me, that she’s here, and back, until we’re home.

Nova holds my hand as I drive home, and I think maybe she’s afraid this is all a mirage too.

I park the truck, grab her bags, and she takes my hand once more, giving me a small, shy, smile.

Once we step into the elevator, I lean against the wall, sudden exhaustion taking over my body. 

The doors slide open and she steps out first, her hand tugging me along.

We stop outside the door and I grab the key from my pocket, unlocking it.

I swing it open and—

We’re attacked by a little puffball.

“Oh, my God,” Nova shrieks, trying to climb up my body. “What is that?”

I laugh at her reaction and let go of her bags so I can pick up Sasha before she escapes down the hall.

“This is Sasha.” I hold her up and she meows at Nova. 

“You got a cat?”

“Well, I kind of wandered into the pet store and they had some shelter pets, and this one—” I kiss the top of her head and she rubs against my scruff. “I couldn’t leave her behind.”

Nova smiles and reaches to pet her. “She’s awfully cute. Has she been alone while you were gone?”

I look at her like really. “I’m not a total idiot. I had Rae hang out with her some today.”

I hand Sasha to Nova and grab the bags once more, carrying them inside.

The door closes behind me and my shoulders sag with relief.

I’m home.

Nova’s home.

All is right with the world again.

I hook my fingers into the back of my shirt and pull it off.

“Let’s go to bed. I’m exhausted.”

She laughs. “I’m starving.”

I sigh. “Fine, snack first, then bed.” I head over to the refrigerator and peer inside. “What do you want?”

“How about an egg sandwich?” She suggests, sliding onto one of the barstools with Sasha still in her hands.

Sasha begins to wiggle and Nova struggles to hold on to her.

“She likes to sit on the counter while I cook,” I explain.

“Oh.” She smiles and sets the kitten on the counter.

Sasha comes over to me and sniffs my arm before sticking her nose up in the air like she’s disgusted by what she finds.

“What?” I ask her. “Do I smell bad?”

“I think she’s mad at you for leaving,” Nova surmises.

“Does that mean I should stick my nose up at you then?” I joke.

Nova frowns. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” I say softly, shaking my head. “It’s over now. We need to move forward, not look backward.”

She nods. “That sounds good.”

“But,” I add sternly, “when you feel down, or angry about things, talk to me. Got it?”

She laughs. “I got it.”

“Good.”

I make us both an egg sandwich and then we sit side by side eating, watching each other out of the corner of our eyes, which in turn makes us both keep laughing.

Nova leans over and presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth.

“What was that for?”

She grins. “Because I can.”

I grab her face between my hands and press a longer, more passionate kiss, to her soft lips. “Fuck yes you can.”

Nova laughs but her face quickly grows serious, her eyes clouding over.

“What is it?” I ask, slightly scared of the answer.

She ducks her head. “Owen kissed me.”

My fists clench at my sides and my jaw snaps shut. I breathe deeply, trying to calm myself. I don’t know why I’m so angry, I’m not surprised, not in the least. It’s been obvious to me all along he still has feelings for her, so, of course, if she suddenly flees into his arms he’s going to take advantage of it.

“Jace?” Nova worries, touching her fingers to my stiff forearm. “Are you okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” I stutter. “Just trying to convince myself to not get back on a plane and beat the shit out of him.”

Nova shakes her head. “Please, don’t be angry about it. It meant nothing to me. I … I feel bad for him,” she admits. “I wish he would let go and find his own love. I did.”

She looks at me and all the anger melts away. Her look says it all, she loves me and the rest, it doesn’t matter.

I wake up to Nova curled into my body and I can’t help but smile.

Even before she left, she wouldn’t touch me like this. She avoided me like my touch burned her.

But now she holds on like she’s never letting go.

I brush my fingers through her soft hair and she stirs against me, blinking her eyes open. Her freckles dance across her nose and I can’t help but kiss them.

“Hi,” she says sleepily.

“Morning.”

“Do you have to work tonight?” she asks.

I shake my head. “I took off.”

“Good.” She snuggles impossibly closer.

She yawns and looks at me, and I can see her thoughts flitting through her mind. Finally, she says, “I want to go see Beckett.” She swallows thickly. “His grave, I mean,” she adds, though I obviously knew what she meant.

I nod, continuing to brush my fingers through her hair. I think it calms me as much as it does her. “We can do that.”

We need to do that. Neither of us have been back since we buried him. 

I can see the fear in her eyes, the sadness and pain, and I wish I could take it away, but I know she sees the same in mine, so at least she knows she’s not alone.

We’re in this together.

“Maybe …” she starts and hesitates. “Maybe we could have a picnic with him.”

“Sounds good.” I cup her cheek, rubbing my thumb over her lip. 

I can feel my chest tightening with pain and worry, but I know we both need this. Beckett may be gone in the physical sense, but he’ll always be in our hearts and minds, and we have to acknowledge that. Trying to forget and push the pain aside doesn’t solve anything. Nova ignored her grief, and I set mine aside to be there for her.

Both weren’t healthy things to do.

When you’re feeling a certain way, there’s a reason, and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away. It makes it worse.

I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear and we lie there looking at each other.

“Remember,” I begin softly, “whatever you’re feeling is normal, and it’s okay.”

She nods. “I know. It just sucks.”

“It does,” I agree. “But we’re in this together.”

I know as long as we stick together we can get through anything, even this. Grief doesn’t go away overnight, it takes time, and we’ll have to be patient and trust each other.

“There’s something I want to show you,” I tell her suddenly, a grin breaking out over my face.

She looks at me like I’m crazy. “What did you do?”

I blink innocently. “What makes you think I did something?”

“You have a funny look in your eyes.” She eyes me warily.

“This is good … I think. Trust me,” I beg.

I get out of bed and reach for her, dragging her out since she’s not moving.

“Jace!” She laughs, kicking me away.

Having enough of her protests, I pick her up and carry her. She struggles to get out of my arms, but we both know she’s not going anywhere.

I set her down and open the door to the spare bedroom.

I see her body stiffen with fear before she finally braves a look.

“Jace,” she breathes softly. “You … This is amazing.”

She steps hesitantly inside and I follow.

I painted one wall a gray color and the rest white. I bought a small white desk and chair, and I put her laptop on it. There’s also a small futon and the main event, the easel, paint, and canvases.

I step up behind her and wrap my arms around her as she takes it all in.

“I know photography is your main passion, but I saw how happy painting the mural made you, so I thought, maybe you’d like a space to create.”

She turns around in my arms, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I don’t deserve you.”

I brush my nose against hers. “Don’t say that. You’re my other half. Saying you don’t deserve me is like saying I shouldn’t breathe.”

She lifts onto her tiptoes and kisses me. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She stole my heart the moment I met her. I knew it then, but I denied it to myself. I always tried to avoid love and attachments because they always bring heartbreak and pain, and fuck, look at all we’ve been through. But a life without love, isn’t one worth living.

Even with all the hurt and heartbreak we’ve been through recently, I’d go through it a thousand times more, as long as I had Nova.

“I can’t believe you did all this.” She pulls away from my arms and looks around. She goes to the desk and smiles at some of the Polaroids I stuck there. She glances back at me. “Y-You did keep some of his stuff, right?”

I nod. “I packed it away, it’s in the closet.”

“Thank you.” She moves over to the canvases, running her fingers along the one I stuck on the easel. “This is perfect.”

Her happiness makes all the work I put into this more than worth it. I’d do anything to make her happy. Maybe it sounds crazy, but it’s true.

With a smile, she says, “Let’s go get breakfast.”

She looks happy and peaceful, and not all plagued by sadness. I’ve missed seeing her like this, so carefree.

We get dressed, make sure Sasha has food and water, and go across the street to a café.

I sit down, stretching my legs out, and Nova peruses the menu. When her hair falls in her face, I push it away, wanting to see her. She glances at me, fighting a smile. 

“What can I get you guys?” Our waitress asks.

“I’ll have a coffee,” I tell her. “And scrambled eggs with toast and bacon.”

“And for you?” She turns to Nova.

“Coffee, and I’ll have French toast.”

“That shouldn’t be long.”

 The waitress leaves and Nova places her menu back on the holder in the center of the table.

I watch her movement, still not sure she’s actually here.

I never in a million years thought she’d leave, that she’d leave me, and there’s a part of me still fearful something could send her over the edge and she could take off again.

I don’t find it likely, and besides, if she does, I’ll chase her ass down.

Nova bends to her bag and when she sits back up she clasps her camera.

“Smile.”

I hold out my hand, trying to block her, but I can’t help but smile.

I haven’t seen her pick up her camera since we lost Beckett. This. This is good.

“Jace,” she laughs. “Come on.”

I drop my hand and give her my most brooding stare. 

She groans. “Don’t glare at me like you’re trying to kill me with your eyes.”

I laugh and she smiles triumphantly before her camera starts clicking. 

I steal the camera from her and turn it her way. She tries to hide and I cluck my tongue. “Oh, so you don’t like it when the tables are turned, huh?”

She shakes her head and reluctantly gives me a smile.

I stare at the image that pops up on the screen. “You look like an angry elementary school kid who missed out on pizza and has to eat leftover meatloaf.”

Then, like I did with her, she begins to laugh.

I take a picture and look at it. “Perfect,” I whisper, pleased.

She takes her camera back and tucks it away. “I quit my job at the record store,” she admits. “That was stupid, in hindsight.” She rests her elbow on the table and her hand on her fist, squishing her face.

I chuckle. “They love you there. I’m sure they’ll take you back.”

She nods. “I know. But maybe I should focus on my photography, and … get better.”

I appreciate she’s acknowledging the fact she’s not okay. She’s not faking. She’s not hiding. She’s being real.

“Whatever you think you need to do, you know I’m one-hundred percent for.”

“How have you managed to stay so normal through all this?” she asks, her voice curious. The waitress sets our coffees down and Nova smiles at her before she leaves.

“I wouldn’t say I’m normal, but I think when you shut down I decided I had to keep a level head. One of us had to keep our heads above water or everything would have fallen apart.”

She drops her chin, and I quickly reach for her, bringing her back to me.

“Don’t be ashamed. You were grieving. We lost a child. It isn’t an easy thing.”

A single tear falls down her cheeks.

“Sometimes, I worry, life will never feel normal again. Then I worry it will and it’ll be like he never existed.”

I shake my head adamantly. “That’s not true.”

“I know, but it’s the way I feel.”

I wish I could erase all those bad thoughts and doubts from her mind, but I know I can’t. All I can do is show her day by day that things will be okay.

And they will be. 

Sometimes it’ll be hard.

Sometimes it’ll be good.

But that’s life.

A motherfucking rollercoaster ride.

After our breakfast, we walked around the city for a while, hand in hand. Nova took pictures, and I watched her, a smile on my face the whole time. 

We eventually headed back home, and hung out there for a little while, before packing a lunch together to take to the cemetery. 

Nova’s quiet on the drive, and I worry she’s retreating into her mind, but as soon as I have the thought she looks at me and smiles. It’s not a forced smile, either, granted it’s small, but I’ll take it.

I park and we hop out. 

I grab the food and she gets the blanket.

Hand in hand, we walk along the trail. Even though we haven’t been here in months, we both still know the way by heart. It’s not something we can easily forget. 

When we make it to the plot we both stop. It’s like all the oxygen has been sucked from the air. Drawn forward, as if by an invisible force, we both step up to the tombstone. It wasn’t here yet the last time we were here, and something about it feels both good and bad. Good, because finally his name is marked and his existence feels concrete, not something we conjured in our imaginations, and bad, because it feels wrong that the birthday and death day are the same. It’s tragic.

Nova presses her hand to her lips and I look over at her as tears begin streaming down her cheeks. 

My hand tightens around hers and she squeezes back.

The pressure says I’m here, you’re not alone.

“T-The flowers,” she stutters, wiping at her tears with the back of her other hand. 

We picked up some flowers while we were out today and I stuck them in the cooler to get them here safely. 

I let go of her hand and set the cooler on the ground, bending down to get the flowers.

I hand them to her and she cradles them against her chest, her eyes closed as she breathes in. I watch her, the sun haloed behind her head, and I’m taken by her.

She is madness, she is frenzy, she is fire, she is beautiful.

When she opens her eyes, she looks at me. They’re clear, not happy, but not quite sad, either. Maybe more resigned than anything else.

She squats down, with both her knees in the grass, and places the flowers on the tombstone by his name.

I bend down beside her, placing my hand on her back.

“I miss him,” she whispers.

“Me too.”

“Do you think he knows how much we love him?” she looks up at me. “Do you think he’s happy wherever he is?”

I’ve never been one to believe in God, or some mythical force out there greater than we are, but with one look Nova manages to change everything.

“He knows we love him, believe me. Love is louder than words.” I kiss the side of her forehead, her hair blowing in the wind. “And I believe he’s happy. We’d know if he wasn’t. We’d feel it in here.” I tap my chest.

She cries and her tongue slides out to moisten her lips. “It’s so hard,” she chokes. “Missing him. Wishing things were different.”

“I know. I know. This isn’t meant to be easy. This is normal.”

She nods and wipes her eyes. Looking up at me, she says, “Confession: I still want a family with you. I want it all.”

I can’t help it. I grin at her and then tackle her, kissing her like I can’t get enough of her.

Which, I can’t, and I never will.

Her words make me happy, and I feel a weight I didn’t know I was carrying lift off my shoulders. I realize now a part of me was worried this would scare her too much to ever want to try to have a baby again.

Nova giggles against my kiss and pushes lightly as my shoulders.

I break away and stare down at her, her hair spread out over the grass.

“I take it you like that, huh?”

“More than you know,” I breathe.

“We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?” she asks with a slight smile.

I grin back at her. “We’re going to be better than okay.”