Jace

I stare at my phone at those three taunting bubbles that say Nova’s typing something.

They linger and I hold my breath, but then they’re gone.

I blink, thinking I imagined it. I wait, hoping they’re going to come back but they don’t.

I throw my phone across the room. Where it lands I don’t know and don’t care.

I was going to finally break my silence. I hadn’t figured out what I was going to say yet but I knew I had to say something. While I was contemplating, that fucking bubble with dots popped up.

I wish I’d never picked up my phone, then I wouldn’t know she was contemplating sending me something and decided against it.

“Meow.”

I glance at Sasha beside me on the couch. She looks up at me with big eyes before climbing in my lap. 

I always thought people said cats were ornery, but not Sasha. She’s been glued to my side ever since I got her. She’s good company, and amusing. She likes to sit on the counter when I cook. She watches me almost like she’s judging me, which I think is hysterical.

I pet her behind the ears and she begins to purr. 

Nova should be here, with me, not all the way on the other side of the country. 

It’s not right.

Those dots continue to haunt me, though, and I imagine the worst.

I imagine her telling me it’s over and she’s not coming back.

A life without her, it’s too dark for me to even see.

I wake up and stare at the ceiling.

I will it to give me answers.

You know, answers to questions like, what the fuck are people put on this earth for? 

What is the right thing? Is there ever a right thing in any situation?

Does true love actually exist or is it only an illusion?

Do we delude ourselves into believing the impossible because it makes us feel better about how small we are?

Ceiling thoughts are a very serious venture.

I lie there for a good hour before I finally extract myself from bed. Sasha opens one eye and blinks at me. I’m sure she’s pissed at me for disturbing her beauty sleep. She sleeps twenty hours a day, I swear. 

I shove my fingers forcefully through my hair. It’s getting too long, but I can’t be bothered to cut it. I step into the bathroom and flick on the light.

My reflection in the mirror is of a stranger.

I haven’t shaved since Nova left, so I’m looking a little caveman-esque. My hair is a fucking mess, and my eyes are bloodshot from too much alcohol and too little sleep.

I always used to kick the girls I slept with out before we got to the actual falling asleep part, but with Nova, I can’t sleep without her. It’s like she’s my security blanket or something, and that fact makes me angry. I hate I’ve come to need her so much. I guess I naively never thought something like this would happen. 

What we have is special, it’s different, I fucking know it and I don’t know how she could abandon us so easily.

I miss her smile.

I miss her laugh.

I miss her touch.

I miss bantering with her.

I miss her stupid shirt with all the fucking sayings on them.

I miss her crap on the bathroom sink. 

I miss her smell on the pillows.

I miss her.

It’s as simple as that.

I grip the edges of the porcelain sink in my hands so hard my knuckles turn white.

I don’t know how to get her back when I don’t know how I pushed her away in the first place.

I let out a groan and lurch away from the mirror.

My anger weighs heavily on my shoulders.

In a matter of months I’ve lost everything that means anything to me. I can’t get Beckett back, but I can do something about Nova. 

I just have to figure out what first.

I turn the shower on so the water will be icy cold. I want something to snap my senses awake so I can think.

I slide my boxer-briefs down and kick them away. I step into the shower and the cold water pricks my skin like little pellets of ice beating down on me.

Goosebumps prickle across my skin and I shiver.

I step fully into the spray and it drenches my hair. I press my hand against the wall and bow my head, letting the water beat down on me.

I feel lost, like I’m floating down an ocean of hate and despair and sadness and anger and every fucking emotion that’s awful. 

I miss Nova so fucking much. I never thought it was possible to miss someone this much.

And Beckett?

Fuck.

It kills me I can’t see him, or hold him. 

I’m never going to watch him grow up—to see what he would have become.

It’s devastating. 

There’s an ache in my chest I don’t think is ever going to go away. 

Losing a child is something no person should ever have to go through. It fucking rips you to shreds and you don’t know what normal is anymore. You feel helpless and lost and alone.

My fists clench at my sides and I groan. 

I’m angry.

I’m angry for Beckett being taken away from us.

I’m angry for Nova pulling away.

I’m angry for her leaving.

But mostly, I’m really fucking angry for feeling like I can’t do anything about it.

I wash my hair quickly and get out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist.

I open the door and then step cautiously into the nursery.

My breathing is ragged—being in here is hard, knowing how much love and care we put into this room. Fuck, I poured literal blood into this when I cut my finger while putting the crib together. 

But it’s time for it to all go.

It being here isn’t helping me, and it definitely wasn’t helping Nova. I brought up taking it down the day she left, and after that, I was so shocked she was actually gone I didn’t bother with it.

I change into a pair of athletic shorts and grab my phone, texting Cade and Xander to help me.

Both guys reply within minutes saying they’ll be here.

I don’t rely on my friends often, I don’t like to rely on anyone if I’m honest—except Nova, and look where that’s got me since she left.

But she isn’t going to be gone for long. Not if I have anything to say about it.

There’s a knock on the door and I swing it open to find Cade filling the doorway. I’m not surprised he’s here first. His apartment with Rae close to us, whereas Xander and Thea live out in the suburbs.

“Thanks for coming, man, it means a lot you’d come,” I say, stepping back to let him in. “I know it was last minute.”

His brows furrow. “Of course I’d come. I’m glad you’re finally asking for help. You and Nova always think you have to face everything alone—excuse my bluntness, but you’re both fucking idiots.”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “We’re bad about that,” I agree. “When you grow up with no one it’s hard to trust.”

But I thought Nova could always trust me, and I could always trust her.

I close the door and Cade looks around. 

“Love what you’ve done with the place.” His lips rise in a smirk.

“Fucking asshole,” I mutter, but laugh.

The place is a fucking wreck, takeout boxes are piled everywhere since I haven’t felt like cooking, there are glasses and plates on the counter, the sink is full, and my clothes are strewn all over the place.

“I’ll clean it tonight,” I say, more for my benefit than his.

“When’s Nova coming back?” he asks, and I wince.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

“You haven’t heard from her at all?” I shake my head in reply. “And you haven’t contacted her?”

“She’s the one who left,” I defend.

“Fuck, Jace.” Cade looks at me like I’m an idiot. “Girls want you to go after them. To show them you care.”

I gape at him. 

He shakes his head. “You’re an idiot, I swear. This is what you get for not dating.” He claps me on the shoulder. “Trust me, man, go after her. Show her no matter what, no matter how much distance she puts between you, you’re always going to close it.”

Could it really be that simple?

“I don’t know,” I hedge.

He stares at me. “All I can tell you is, if that was Rae, I’d be on the first plane out of here.”

I swallow thickly and nod. “You’re right.”

I don’t know why I didn’t see it at first. I think I was so blinded by shock that she left and went to Owen of all people. Add in the fact I’m still grieving for my son and it’s a recipe for fucking disaster.

Cade looks at me like, “I fucking told you so.”

There’s another knock on the door, and I open it to let Xander in.

“All right, what do you need me to do?” he asks. “Your text just said you needed help. I have to say, I’m happy to see you’re standing upright. I was worried you got drunk and fell in the bathtub or something.”

“Yes, because that’s likely to happen.” I look at him like he’s crazy.

“Well, there was the time freshman year of college where you drank too much and streaked across the front lawn, so anything is possible.”

“That did not happen,” I defend.

Cade looks at me steadily. “Just because you don’t remember it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

I glare at my best friends. “Fucking liars, the both of you.”

“Then explain the fact I still have a scar from where you bit me when I tackled you so we could get you back to the dorms?” Cade holds out his forearm, pointing to the faint outline where it does in fact look like the imprint of someone’s teeth.

“I didn’t do that,” I say adamantly.

“Whatever you want to believe,” Xander sing-songs. He claps his hands together. “Seriously, though, what do we need to do? I don’t know how long I can leave a pregnant Thea with Xael. She might tape her to the wall or something. Xael’s teething really bad and it’s been hell.”

“It’s time to take apart the nursery,” I say.

Cade and Xander look at each other before looking at me. “Are you sure?” Cade asks.

“Abso-fucking-lutely. It’s doing nothing but torturing the both of us. It’s time for it to go.”

“Let’s get to it then.” Xander heads into the room, followed by Cade.

We start by clearing out the dresser drawers. I keep a few clothes and a couple blankets but set everything else is set aside to donate, since Xander and Thea don’t need it.

Shocker, they found out they’re having another girl. Nova and I didn’t even go to their reveal party. Don’t get me wrong, we’re happy for our friends to have a baby, but it’s hard to be around all the happiness when we feel so down.

We tackle the crib next, and it’s as much of a fucking beast to take down as it was to put up. 

With the three of us, at least there’s no blood shed this time.

We carry the chair out of the room and set it by the front door, piling the remains of the crib beside it, and the clothes and blankets. There’s a local thrift shop that offers pick up so I’m going to let them come get it.

I roll up the rug and it gets added to the pile.

By the time everything is out of the room we’ve been at it for a couple of hours.

My body is damp with sweat and so are the other guys.

I stand in the middle of the room, my hands on my hips, taking in the emptiness.

It’s as bad as it was before with all his stuff, especially with Nova’s mural glaring at me.

I know I’m going to have to do something with the room, turn it into something else, before I have any chance of getting Nova back here and feeling okay.

“I need a beer,” Cade declares, breaking the silence.

“Me too,” I agree with a sigh.

“Me three,” Xander pipes in.

I stifle a laugh. “I thought the she-beast wouldn’t let you drink when she’s pregnant?”

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” Xander argues.

I laugh, shaking my head. Those two amuse me.

I grab three beers from the refrigerator and hand one to Xander and then Cade.

We pop the tops and collapse on the couch together.

I take a swig of beer and Cade glances at me. “I’m surprised you haven’t booked a ticket to New York yet.”

I choke on my beer and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. “I can’t very well leave this place looking like this, can I?” I wave my hand to encompass the very messy apartment, now made worse by all the baby stuff piled by the door.

Cade chuckles. “I guess not.” He tips his beer to his lips.

Xander exhales beside me. “You know, I just want to say I’m really sorry, man. I know I haven’t said much, but with Thea pregnant, I didn’t want it to not seem genuine or something. But I really am sorry. You guys don’t deserve this.”

“No one does,” I correct him. “But it happened, and we have to move on from it. We’re doing nothing but hurting ourselves,” I whisper, picking at the label on my beer bottle.

Cade clears his throat. “I think it’s all right to admit maybe a part of you will never be okay, but you can’t abandon everything because you’re grieving. Life goes on, even if you stand still.”

I nod, bringing the beer to my lips. It sloshes down my throat, but I don’t taste it.

“I know.” I press my lips together and repeat, “I know.”

“Get her back, man.” Cade looks at me. “Show her you’re not letting go. Show her she can run but you’re always right behind her. Show her you love her, and nothing, not even this, can break that.”

“I will,” I vow.

And I know I’m going to do it.