Jace

I bring the bottle of beer to my lips and swallow it down.  I don’t even taste it.

There’s no color, no flavor, no feeling to my life with Nova gone.

I’ve had to stop myself ten times in the last hour from texting her and asking her if she’s okay. I wish she’d let me know she’s okay so I don’t worry, but I refuse to contact her. She left. She deserted us. She’s the one that doesn’t want to fight for us.

I thought we could get through anything as long as we had each other. I guess I was wrong.

I finish the beer and motion for another one. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve had, but I know enough that it’s too many and I should’ve stopped a long time ago.

But I don’t want to go home, back to the apartment and empty bed.

Last night was hell and it was only the first night without her. I have no fucking clue how long she might be gone. I’m scared if I knew, I wouldn’t like the answer.

The bartender exchanges my empty bottle for a full one. I thank him with a tip of my head.

I pick up my phone and call the one person I know won’t judge me for my current state.

“Hello?”

“Joooooel,” I draw out his name. “Heeeey, buddddy.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No.” I snort. “Only a little … Or a lot.”

He sighs. “Where are you?”

“Um …” I look around and spot a coaster. “Donnelly’s. It’s an Irish Pub.”

“I figured that from the name. I’m coming to get you. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I didn’t drive here,” I slur. “Can I stay at your place? Nova left me and I don’t want to be home.”

“What do you mean Nova left you? Did you guys break up?”

“Fuck if I know. But she left and she’s in New York City with Owen.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, sounds about right.”

“Hang tight. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Thanks, bud. You’re the real MVP.”

Joel chuckles. “And you’re obviously wasted.”

He hangs up and I let my phone drop to the bar top. My head feels heavy, like it weighs a hundred pounds on my shoulder. I lay my head on the bar, the surface cool against my heated cheek.

I watch the condensation form on my bottle of beer and wipe it off with my finger.

It feels like no time at all has passed when Joel appears.

“Come on, Jace. Help me out here.” He grabs my arm and loops it around his neck.

I slip from the chair. “I need to pay,” I mutter, reaching for my wallet. Joel sighs and waits for me to grab it and leave some bills on the bar top. 

He begins pulling me away and I lean against him heavily. My legs feel like noodles.

“Jesus, you’re heavy,” he groans. 

“Why doesn’t she love me?” I whimper quietly like I’m in pain. “Why’d she leave? Doesn’t she know I’m hurting too? Why would she do this? It’s cruel.”

Joel leads me outside and a nighttime breeze hits my cheeks. 

“I don’t know man,” Joel replies. “We can’t understand other people’s decisions, we’re not them, but we have to trust them.”

“What if she doesn’t come back?” My voice cracks on the last word.

“She will,” he says adamantly and opens the passenger door to his car.

I fall inside and he sighs. I get situated and he starts to buckle me in.

I push his hands away. “I got it.”

He makes a noise that clearly conveys his disbelief.

He closes the door and goes around the back of the car to get in the driver’s side.

I lean my head against the window and he pulls out.

If I’m honest with myself, I’m terrified Nova is going to spend time with Owen and decide she’d rather be with him than me.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle the heartbreak of losing her and Beckett permanently.

When we arrive at Joel’s place he helps me out of the car and I stumble against him.

I had way too much to drink—plus, add in the fact I haven’t felt the need to have more than two drinks at a time and I’m really feeling it.

It takes us a solid ten minutes to get into his apartment, and once we do, I trip over my feet and fall to the floor.

Joel sighs. “You owe me for this.” He bends down and grabs me under the arms. “Come on. Fuck, why are you so heavy? Help me out here.”

“I can’t feel my feet,” I mutter.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

Joel drags me over to the couch and heaves me onto it. He steps back with his hands on his hips, struggling to get enough air. 

“That’s my workout for the week,” he declares. Pointing at me, he says, “Don’t expect me to undress you.”

I lean my head back on the arm of the couch and cover my eyes with the crook of my arm. 

“Thanks, Joel.”

He sighs. “You’re welcome.” He starts to walk away and pauses. “I’ll get you some water and Advil to take. You’re going to feel like shit in the morning.”

“I already feel like shit,” I mutter.

He doesn’t comment. I hear him moving about the apartment and it isn’t long until he’s back in front of me. 

“Take them—and drink all the water.”

I lift my arm and crack my eyes at him. His hand is extended with two Advil and the other holds a glass of water. 

I take both and down the Advil. It takes a few gulps to empty the water.

“Thanks.” I set the glass down on the table. 

“I’m going to bed. If you need anything, let me know.”

I nod and watch him leave, his bedroom door closing behind him. 

I lie, staring up at the ceiling.

It reminds me of the times when I was kid and I’d lie in my room exactly like this. I used to wonder if things could possibly get worse.

The answer is yes. Yes, they can.

“Dude, you’ve been sleeping all day, get up.”

I groan and Joel kicks me into the back. I fall to the floor with a thump.

“What the fuck was that for?” I sit up and glare at him.

Afternoon sunlight streams through the windows and I blink rapidly from the glare.

“You’re hogging my couch.”

I chuckle. “You offered it.”

“No,” he corrects. “You asked to stay here and I said it was okay. I didn’t call you up and say, hey, Jace, want to have a slumber party?”

“Do you at least have some coffee?” I beg, rubbing my eyes. They’re burning from my contacts and I know my glasses are at home. 

He nods. “Coffee coming right up.”

I slowly stand up, my body stiff and sore from the contortions I had to perform in order to sleep on the couch. 

I sit back down and dig the heels of my hands into my eyes. 

I have a raging headache but I think it’s more to do with the emotional stress than the amount of alcohol I had to drink.

I’m tempted to get on a plane and go after her, but I’m terrified if I follow her I’ll only push her further away.

Joel hands me a steaming cup of coffee.

“You look like hell,” he observes.

I chuckle and take a sip of coffee. “I feel like it too.”

I run my fingers through my already mussed hair. 

“I’m more than a little pissed Nova didn’t tell me she was leaving,” Joel admits, sitting on the arm of the couch and tilting his head toward me. “We have a business we’re trying to build and she up and abandoned it.”

I sigh and set the mug on the coffee table. “I guess this is what she has to do.” I cross my arms over my chest and lean my back against the couch. “Doesn’t mean any of us have to be happy about it.”

“I’m not going to lie, I’m surprised she could bring herself to leave you here.”

My jaw clenches. “I guess I’m not what she needs right now.”

But she’s what I need. She always will be.

“I don’t believe that. Not for a minute.” Joel shakes his head. “I see the way she looks at you and the way you look at her. It’s … not something you see often, definitely not nowadays. It’s the kind of love epic poems are written about. You think it only exists in prose, but you guys are proof it’s out there. Something like that … You can’t give it up. You just can’t.”

I stand. “Well, she did.” I stand and head for the door. “Thanks for letting me crash here last night.”

“No problem. Do you need a ride?” he asks as I open the door.

I glance over my shoulder. “I need the walk.”

He nods and watches me go. 

When I step outside I reach for my pack of cigarettes. I tap one out and stick it between my lips. I groan and shake my head.

I’m not going there. I won’t.

I toss it away into a nearby bush, hunch my shoulders, and head home.

The people on the streets mean little to me. Each of them a blur of color and muted voices. I feel like I’m walking in slow motion while they’re on fast forward.

I start to feel sick and I duck through the first door I come to, needing the world to slow down for a minute.

I look around and realize I’m in a pet store and there’s a big sign proclaiming they’ve partnered up with the local shelter to help adopt pets.

I head down the aisle and in the back I find the cages. There are only five, three with dogs and two with cats.

A little wiener dog yaps, trying to get my attention. Beside it, an older golden retriever watches me as I pass. I keep walking, and at the end I finally stop, squatting down.

“Well, aren’t you cute?” I hold my finger out to the kitten. The kitten has a pattern that looks like a leopard with a pink nose and blue eyes.

The sign on the cage proclaims her as Sasha and it says she was found by the side of a road begging for food. 

She edges slowly toward my finger, like she’s wary.

She sniffs carefully and must deem me decent because she rubs her neck against my outstretched finger.

“Would you like to hold her?” I jolt and glance up at the store clerk. 

“N—” I start to say no, but then I think why the fuck not. “Sure.”

She smiles and I back out of her way so she can unlock the cage. The little kitten hops into her hands and meows. 

“Here you go.” She hands the kitten to me and I cradle her in my hands. 

The kitten looks up at me and meows. 

Looking into her eyes, I know there’s no way I can leave her here. Every life deserves to be loved—even animals, especially animals.

“Would you like to adopt her?” the clerk inquires.

I nod. “Yeah … Yeah, I would.”

Nova might not approve, but I highly doubt it. Besides, she’s not here and who the fuck knows when she’ll be back. At least now I won’t be so alone in the apartment.

“That’s great,” she says enthusiastically. “You hold on to her and bond some more and I’ll grab everything you need and you can meet me at checkout. You can pay the adoption fee with everything else.”

It doesn’t take her long to ring everything up and thankfully it all fits in one bag so I can carry Sasha and the stuff and make it back home without killing my arms. 

I’m sure I look like a fucking weirdo walking down the street with a kitten and bag of who knows what. But I’ve never cared about what people think of me, so why start now.

I make it back to the apartment and open the door—promptly shrieking like a four-year-old girl.

“Why the fuck are you in my apartment?”

Thea stands up from the couch. “Is that a cat?”

I glance down at Sasha and she looks at me like, “Is this lady crazy?”

Yes. Yes she is.

“Um, yeah.”

I close the door and set Sasha down. She scampers under the couch and stays there.

“Nova’s been gone a day and you already had to bring another pussy into this place. Why am I not surprised?”

I snort and then realization dawns on me. “How’d you know Nova was gone?”

“Joel called me and told me. He said you crashed at his place and had left. He was worried about you.”

“Fucking Joel the Mole,” I seethe. “He shouldn’t be telling you my business.”

“Why not? We’re practically family.”

I drop the bag on the floor. Ignoring her, I ask again, “How’d you get in here?”

“I picked the lock.”

“You picked the lock?” I repeat. “How the fuck do you know how to pick a lock?”

She looks at her nails. “Girl Scouts.”

“I highly doubt you were a Girl Scout.”

She grins. “No, I wasn’t,” she admits. “Let’s just say … I have my ways.”

I sigh. “Can you go now then?”

“No, I’m here to check on you.”

“And you have. See, I’m fine.” I motion to my intact body. “I’m all here in one piece. I haven’t fallen apart.”

“Maybe that’s what you need to do.” She stands up and I pray to God she’s going to leave.

“What do you mean?” I ask, despite wishing she’d hurry the fuck up and leave.

She shrugs. “Maybe you’ve spent so much time trying to be strong for Nova when she needed you to break down like her. It probably made her feel weak when you were seemingly so strong. If I were in her position, I’d want Xander and I on equal ground. But,” she sighs and hefts her purse onto her shoulder, “what do I know?”

She gives me a look as she goes. A look that says I need to get my shit together.

If only I knew what that actually entailed.