CHAPTER 13
JOE
It was like I couldn’t help myself. Like someone said, ‘You can’t eat that cookie,’ and then suddenly, the only thing I could think about was eating the damn cookie. Doug had not been specific about crossing any sort of lines with Lana. If anything, when we’d first discussed this, he’d mentioned something about Lana being a ‘cold fish.’ So, I don’t think this possibility even occurred to him.
Well, as it happened, Lana was the furthest thing from a ‘cold fish.’ More like a little firecracker, when properly lit, that would go off in an instant, burning hot and brilliant. I had this feeling that if Doug ever found out I was messing around with her, he’d lose his shit. But what Doug didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. He hadn’t noticed anything weird from yesterday’s recording so I figured I could keep exploring this.
And right now, I wanted to explore the hell out of her in the shower. I hated that when I went to hug her, when I’d smelled her hair, that instead of smelling her normally sweet scent, I’d had a flashback of the woman I’d spent the last two years working to forget.
I needed to wash that smell off her.
I needed to keep her separate from the life I used to live. She was already tied into it because of Doug, but it was easy to pretend Doug didn’t exist each time I touched her. I wanted to touch her again. I wanted to forget again.
“Get in with me.”
I tugged at her hand, but something was holding her back. Insecurities, maybe. Doubt, maybe. I wasn’t sure. I dropped her hand because she needed some evidence. She needed to see the physical effect she had over me. I untucked my towel, letting it fall to the floor, leaving nothing but the air between my naked body and her clothed body.
Her eyes went wide and her cheeks flushed pink as she took in all of me. I was hard, and I was hung. I knew this. I’d gained a reputation for it in my old life. I used to be proud of it. But when I realized I was being used just for my cock—and not just by the woman who’d raped me, but by all the women I slept with—I developed a resentment toward it. One I lumped right in with all my other issues.
“Jesus, Joe,” she breathed out. “Um. That’s . . .. I’m . . .. Yeah.” Her eyes moved down my body and over my erection once more. “That’s impressive.” She bit down on her lip, her eyes moving back to mine. I could see I was terrifying her. Okay . . . that hadn’t been my intention, either.
“I’m not showing you this to intimidate you,” I said softly, wishing I’d kept my towel on. Why did I have to be so damn impulsive all the time? “I’m showing you so you know how hard the idea of seeing you wet and naked in my shower makes me. Lana, I have my issues—with alcohol, and I’m sure you’re starting to notice with sex too. Yesterday, when you asked me to be with you like that, I wanted to. You have no idea how fucking badly I wanted to strip off your clothes and bury my cock so deep inside you. I still want to. But I can’t. If you decide to get in the shower with me, know that I can’t. I can’t, and I won’t cross that line.”
I took in a deep breath.
“Joe Coffee. Twenty-four. Barista. Lover of life. Those things I tell myself that I am, the happiness and confidence I exuded, but it’s all bullshit.”
I stared at her, waiting to see what she might say. I think, once again, I’d dropped all my baggage at her feet to test how she’d react. To see if she’d run screaming in the opposite direction. Maybe it was my way of protecting her—from me and from Doug.
But she didn’t run. She stayed.
And, oh God. I swallowed hard when her response to my words was to silently take off her dress. I felt helpless, and paralyzed, and could only watch as the material slipped to the ground. She wore a white strapless bra and white underwear, which she removed each in turn.
“Lana . . .” I muttered. I was in physical pain, and it took everything in me not to touch myself or her as I took in the sight of her body. “You’re killing me, woman.”
On a ten-point scale, she was a twelve. Her tits were just the right size, round and perky, her nipples were screaming to be licked. She had a thin waist, and hips I wanted to dig my fingertips into.
“Give me a five-minute head start, and then you’re welcome to join me in the bathroom,” she said. “If you want . . ..”
I blew out a breath, tugging my hands through my hair. “I’m not sure I’ll still be sane in five minutes, but okay.”
“I think you’ll manage.”
She left me—she and her fine ass left me.
I paced my room, naked and aching, debating with myself over whether or not I was ready to have sex again and put the past behind me. I suddenly felt damn ready. I mean, my hands were shaking from how badly I wanted Lana, specifically to get off inside her.
I flopped down on my bed, closed my eyes, waited the five longest minutes of my life. Until I felt Lana softly nudge my shoulder.
“You never came,” she said, sounding disappointed and unsure.
I opened my eyes to her standing over me, wet and in one of my towels. Her hair was washed, and her pretty face stripped of makeup. I liked how naturally beautiful she was. I liked seeing her like this in my room. I liked that she was cracking all my barriers.
“Sometimes time moves differently for me. I think it’s part of my ADHD.”
She nodded, her eyes downcast.
“Seriously. I was going to come to you.”
“Okay. I believe you.”
I wasn’t entirely sure she did. I needed to show her otherwise. Swiftly, I moved to lift her at her waist, and I pulled her in place on top of me.
She let out a laugh at my sudden movement. But then her smile faded into something else entirely as she straddled my hips, my dick close to her center, pressing against her stomach. She stared down at me as her breath hitched. The look of desire on her face was something I’d never forget. I pushed away her towel so I could see all of her.
God, she was so fucking beautiful.
Unable to resist, I ran my fingers over her stomach and lower. This was dangerously close to the position I’d been violated in, but somehow I didn’t care.
“Just don’t touch me,” I told Lana.
She nodded.
I pressed my thumb to her clit. I was quickly falling in lust with her pussy. I moved in slow, lazy circles. There was no need for me to rush, we had all day. I wiggled a little under her, nudging my cock a little harder against her stomach. She brought her hands above her head briefly, awkwardly, then put them on her hips.
“On my chest,” I offered.
She placed them on my chest, leaning her weight against me. “Joe,” she moaned, closing her eyes, getting into it now, grinding against my hand. “Whoever hurt you. I will kill them with my bare hands if that opportunity ever comes.”
I paused.
Shocked.
Confused.
A little angry at myself for revealing so much to her. And a little surprised by her fierceness.
She opened her eyes. “Sorry. That was just a guess.”
An accurate guess.
Grunting, I rolled Lana onto her back. My momentum changed from slow to fast, from gentle to rough. I sucked one of her nipples into my mouth, dragging my teeth against her skin, before I broke away to ask, “Are you on any sort of birth control?”
“Yes,” she breathed, her chest moving up and down a little faster. “The pill.”
“Do I have your permission?”
“For what?”
“For anything.”
A second passed before she whispered, “Yes.”
Why did she have to be so perfectly accepting of all my weirdness? I kind of hated it. I kind of liked it.
I slammed my lips to her, kissing her with every bit of emotion I felt. Anger. Pain. Sadness. Hope. Excitement. It all rolled together, and I took it out on Lana’s mouth.
If I could have fucked her senseless, I would have. But I couldn’t, so I did the next best thing.
Taking my cock in my hand, I brought the head of my erection up against her entrance. Her pretty mouth dropped open, and she stared at me with wide, slightly frightened eyes, waiting for it.
I didn’t push inside.
I hovered there.
Then I slid myself against her, through her wet folds, over her clit, and I continued to move against her until she began to say my name, like a chant.
This almost-sex thing we were doing—it was the best high I’d had in a long time. I continued moving, working at driving her mad, loving how responsive I could make her. I had a feeling this woman didn’t go this crazy for just anyone.
Only when I knew she’d reached her climax, evident by the way her hands tightly gripped my biceps and her body quivered under me, did I allow myself to finish.
Coming right here, right now, with Lana was my safe place. I exploded against her, spilling my seed on her, euphoria rocking through me.
This was what I’d needed.
A small step in the right, healthy direction.
Lana had helped me get there.
Once I finished, I moved away and collapsed beside her on the bed.
She lay quiet and still while I relaxed for a few minutes, breathing in deep breaths, enjoying the serenity I felt. I liked that Lana didn’t feel the need to chat or cuddle after. I thoroughly enjoyed the calm until I remembered that I’d made a mess on her, so I sat up to find the towel she’d been wearing.
That was when I noticed Lana had fallen asleep. No lie, ‘out-like-a-light, stick-a-fork-in-me, dead-to-the-world’ asleep.
“Lana,” I whispered.
Nothing.
“Lana,” I said louder.
Still nothing.
Damn. The woman worked way too hard if she could fall asleep that easily. I took the towel and wiped the evidence of my orgasm off her, off my new best friend. She made a small noise as I touched her and rolled over in her sleep.
She looked peaceful. I didn’t want to wake her, so instead I pulled the covers up over her naked body, grabbed the book I’d been reading the night before from my nightstand, and figured I’d let her sleep for a little while.
A little while turned into four hours.